To be suspicious of DH .. CONT..

[JustMissNobody]

Hi all,
thank you for your replies, hints and tips. I’ve read them all and made notes. I’m doing ok at the moment, a bit anxious about solicitors app shortly. Had loads of work to catch up today, my heads been a bit foggy and not been able to focus fully.
managed to actually get a good nights sleep last night. Got in bed with a glass of wine and started reading your replies and just woke up this morning with my phone next to me. I don’t know what I’ve been running on but whatever it was must have run out last night!
To answer a few ppl we have 3 DD. 1 completely on dads side, 1 on the fence but thinks I’m acting a bit crazy and need to wait till dh is home to talk and if there is OW then agrees its over, 1 totally thinks he’s been an absolute arsehole and his actions are completely indefensible.
I’ve made a list of questions as suggested here and got all my paperwork together.
ive also found out that his family have been concerned about changes in his character for a while and suspicious of his behaviour and been asking him if he’s ok but he’s just been snappy with them and been avoiding them.
so maybe MH related or aware that his actions will disappoint his family breaking up a marriage of all these years for OW?

I agree with @redtrain123 . He is not going to suddenly come clean. You need to look in the car and take pictures of any paperwork you find. People can be good at hiding money. You need to know how much he is making, how much is in his accounts and if he has a pension. Nothing is totally paperless. I get as much as possible paperless but still receive paper correspondence at times. If the papers aren't in the house, it sounds like the only other option is the car.

Please send a trusted friend or relative if you can’t. I fear it will haunt you if you can’t get in it at a later date and you’ll never know. I personally think it’s highly unlikely there will be anything to do with another woman in the car. It’s financial info I’m hoping you’ll find x

I dropped those 2 when they were little 😂 x

This could well be at the route of his recent change and odd behaviour. Working longer hours may have been an attempt to pay off debts that were building. It could also explain the change noticed by his family and him avoiding them - if he's lapsed into old habits, he's probably not exactly feeling proud of himself.

I think you're more likely to find a pile of unpaid bills then frilly knickers if you do search the car OP.

Has he been in touch with anyone since he's been away. You may not be expecting him to contact you, but has he checked in with anyone else since he left?

I don't want to pressurise you but tomorrow is Wednesday and he is due back on Friday. You really need find out what is in that car while you can x

I believe you did say you had eventually been told his destination ?

He's not gone to Monaco to gamble at the casinos there to try and win big time ? to try and win back any huge gambling debts he has incurred !

@JustMissNobody you really need to cast your ownheadspace aside for now and look for the truth in the car. You will regret this down the line if you don't and wonder why you didnt just suck it up at the time. Getting your ducks in a row is absolutely vital in cases like these.

On a lesser note, you will never get true closure and move on if you turn a blind eye now. Put your big girl pants on and be brave.

Have to say this a weird story.

H and DD’s all know I use MN and although they won’t know this is the username I’ve chosen if they’re reading this I’m now going to out myself even further, but what the hell 😩
for everyone who clearly needs to know where h has gone 😂 he’s gone to France, nothing exciting as far as I’m aware, not Paris nothing that romantic haha, so if it is OW she’s not even worth that either!
he’s been in daily contact with dd while he’s been away. Apparently updating her on what he’s been doing. He’s annoyed with me for not trusting him and worried there’s going to be an argument when he gets home and he doesn’t think I have the right to be angry with him!
I’ve not heard anything from him, no text or anything, this is all second hand from dd.

i will check the car tomorrow too

I know, I’m living it and I can’t work it out 🙈

OP I agree with others, that's your answer. This is money related.
An addiction is easy to reappear again. It's likely that he is planing an scape because he got into some kind of debt. And you have no access to information like his earnings, saving etc.
Please please sort this out and divorce him no matter what. You sound like a really considerate, responsible and lovely person. You deserve so much more OP.
Please make aware your solicitor of your H past gambling history.
All the best OP x

Welll if you are reading this DH, good luck with the pension 😀

Something not quite right about all this.

And he should be bloody worried! He has been utterly cruel and dismissive of you. How on earth can he reasonably think he will come home and it will all be roses. You'd like to think no one can be that self centred and oblivious.

It would be over for me, if I can't trust someone I can't be in a relationship with them, but that's a decision you will need to make.

I've been lurking here but thought from the start that this was gambling related OP! You don't know who he banks with or any financial details, he's been reluctant to go on the tenancy/buy a property, working more hours and hasn't given you any money for two weeks. You mentioned that he always has his phone on him too and you don't know passwords - to hide the gambling sites? Family have noticed a change and not a positive, taking better care of himself change as you would think with OW. He's gone to France? Is it Nice, by any chance, the airport for travelling to Monaco? Addictions never go away. I'm surprised this wasn't your first thought given you have just said he previously had an addiction. Everything you have said fits it.

Isn't Monaco in France I mean it's separate technically but it's south France really. So he could be gambling as addictions are a hard thing and if he got into alot of debt before it means he's prob an addict. So is he texting your daughter but ignoring your texts? If so could you text him if get yiyr daughter to text I know you r gambling etc just let me know that's all I want to know is you r safe and see if he responds. I mean yes he might be having affair of course but this way this might make him confess etc.
Either way just wanted to say chin up

He just sounds really manipulative, all this work on your DD whilst radio silence for you after being so dismissive of you when he upped and left? He's not 'worried' about an argument cos that implies he cares & if he truly cared he wouldn't have put you in this situation in the first place.

There are so many things he could have done once he'd left to put your mind at ease. But he hasn't. He's not worried at all, he's can't be fucked with an argument when he gets home. One entirely of his making! That's some gaslighting bullshit right there. Urgh, I'm repulsed on your behalf

I guess you need to have clear in your head the only ways in which he can repair this situation. No ifs, no buts. Decide what you'll accept as his reasoning & don't give him the opportunity to back-out of explaining by losing your cool. He'll just use that as an excuse 'you're too unreasonable & DD agrees'.

Your head must be all over the place! I really hope DD is not delighting in telling you all this :(

I'm no expert but I wouldn't have thought the casino at Monte Carlo is an obvious choice for a gambling addict. The point of Monte Carlo is to dress up, drink expensive cocktails and enjoy the luxury ambience. I can't think that's what a hardcore gambler is after at all.

Equally, it's hard to imagine France is a great choice if you're hoping to evade the law or the UK taxman long-term.

So maybe it is an OW after all.

I hope they're in a shitty campsite somewhere either wet or intolerably hot and that they get campylobacter from undercooked chicken and have no GHIC cards.

Neighbours curtain twitching - I can understand the OP not wanting to forensically search the car in full view, different if it was in a garage. It must be very anxiety-provoking for the OP to check the car or she would have done it by now.

@JustMissNobody
Before you look in his car switch off the router so the Ring doorbell doesn't give you away.

Please do sweetheart, rooting for you here xx

@Harvesthome

No the neighbours will just think she is looking for an earring of hers or something like that.

Could you hide an air tag in his car so you can track him when he comes home? I know it is frowned on, but it may just give you answers.

You beat me to it. We went on holiday to Nice some years ago and had a day trip to Monaco. Apparently a lot of people head there for the casino.