Page 7 | To be suspicious of DH .. CONT..

JustMissNobody · 2024-08-20T13:59:20+00:00

Hi all, thank you for your replies, hints and tips. I’ve read them all and made notes. I’m doing ok at the moment, a bit anxious about solicitors app shortly. Had loads of work to catch up today, my heads been a bit foggy and not been able to focus fully. managed to actually get a good nights sleep last night. Got in bed with a glass of wine and started reading your replies and just woke up this morning with my phone next to me. I don’t know what I’ve been running on but whatever it was must have run out last night! To answer a few ppl we have 3 DD. 1 completely on dads side, 1 on the fence but thinks I’m acting a bit crazy and need to wait till dh is home to talk and if there is OW then agrees its over, 1 totally thinks he’s been an absolute arsehole and his actions are completely indefensible. I’ve made a list of questions as suggested here and got all my paperwork together. ive also found out that his family have been concerned about changes in his character for a while and suspicious of his behaviour and been asking him if he’s ok but he’s just been snappy with them and been avoiding them. so maybe MH related or aware that his actions will disappoint his family breaking up a marriage of all these years for OW?

Xmasxrackers · 20/08/2024 21:54

OP I hope are ok xx

tinklingchimes · 20/08/2024 22:14

I hope all goes well OP. I would get my ducks in a row but I also think your DH needs medical checks. Sometimes medical conditions can cause big character changes, and his family have also been concerned. Obviously if it turns out there's a medical issue you can change tack then, but I'd continue to make sure you're secure in case it goes another way.

Original poster

JustMissNobody · 20/08/2024 22:15

Oh hell, sorry took myself off to the cinema to destress. So many posts to read thank you all 💐

OP posts:

StripyPanda · 20/08/2024 22:16

What i don’t understand is IF DH has been working more and for longer hours and getting away with only contributing £100 p/w towards household costs he is obvs raking in the cash???
If you were well off by raking in this cash why would this make you more miserable / snappy / withdrawn / tight as a ducks ass ?
He has no need to work these long hours as it seems he has got along just fine on the pittance he got away with contributing ?
I don’t think he has been working when he says he has.
Could it be an addiction or could he be involved in some sort of criminal activity
Why obtain a passport a year ago when he doesn’t like travelling but at the drop of a hat take of like a greyhound when it suits him.
His family have also noticed a change and as for him being evasive when anyone questions him definitely seems to raise red flags.
At the end of the day for whatever reason DH is acting like this I totally understand why OP has decided the relationship is over and i know you won’t think this atm but you will look back in a few months and feel freedom and self worth ❤️ OP you seem to be a lovely woman who has acted very dignified on here, you can hold your head up high …. I wish you all the best for what the future has in store for you.

he has obvs planned to go away at some point by obtaining a passport (don’t believe the ID scenario) this could have been for a ‘get out’ option ?
he has very little mail delivered (could have it sent elsewhere) but why?
seems to think £100 p/w is an acceptable amount to contribute (Joker) obvs spending it somewhere
working longer and more hours but has nothing to show for it (think this is a guise)
no paper trail of documents, letters, forms (for a self employed person) but takes car keys with him when he took a taxi to the airport (must be some sort of evidence somewhere in that car)

Lougle · 20/08/2024 22:18

I hope the answer isn't as sinister as people are thinking and that you get some answers soon @JustMissNobody.

SugarSage · 20/08/2024 22:21

DefyingGravitas · 20/08/2024 17:19

I think there’s a huge amount of sympathy and awareness for mental health issues now. But, he hasn’t gone wandering off in the middle of the night, he’s pretty callously gone on a holiday while trying to hide where he’s going from the OP and making life really difficult for her.

also, he’s not really covered himself in glory with his general, long-term behavior, from the further posts OP has provided.

Edited

Show quote history

My mother had a serious mental health breakdown when I was 12 years old. Her behaviour was bizarre, completely out of character & her thoughts and actions would be deemed selfish and cruel to anyone on the outside, looking in. She was seriously ill, & took off for 3 weeks in the middle of the night with none of us knowing whether she was safe. She was found and sectioned, & made an excellent recovery back to my loving, kind mother & wife to my dad. When someone is having a crisis they won't be rational and consider other people's feelings, they can and will be cold and also tell lies. I do feel for OP, I've lived it. Like I said, it will have to be talked about to resolve whatever is going on. We're only getting OP's side of the story. I remain impartial but not uncaring. Whatever the outcome, as long as OP finds happiness that's all that matters.

AcrossthePond55 · 20/08/2024 22:25

@JustMissNobody

I certainly understand the need to de-stress! I hope your solicitor visit was informative and helpful.

Did you get a chance to look through the car for financial info (not for OW info)? I know you were wavering on this, but I still think it would be a good idea.

As far as his family goes, it will be well to remember that they are HIS family, no matter how understanding or shocked they're feeling now. I know it's hard after so many years of them being 'your family' too, but you really can't trust them. Not that they are necessarily 'untrustworthy' in the normal sense, just that they may 'switch sides' at any point because 'blood is thicker than water or someone may let something slip. So just don't tell them anything that you wouldn't be happy to have passed along to your NDH (not dear husband). The same goes for your DD that's siding with him. Tell her nothing. So awful to have to have doubts about one's own child, but at this point you don't need her acting as a conduit of info to him.

Tiredofallthis101 · 20/08/2024 22:35

I second looking in the car for info, if a split is imminent you don't want yo be left high and dry. Suspect it's very unlikely there would be anything to do with OW, if there is one, in there.

Original poster

JustMissNobody · 20/08/2024 22:36

@rochenut 1 daughter witnessed something yrs ago the other dd’s did not and they are not aware of. I would never make their dad out to be a bad guy to them. They can make up their own minds and have their own relationships with him. I’m not that kind of mum x

OP posts:

Original poster

JustMissNobody · 20/08/2024 22:52

I’m sorry I haven’t read everyone’s posts yet but wanted to update. The solicitors went well (well as well as can be expected under the circumstances). Quite emotional, but he was lovely and very patient with me. He gave me loads of advice and avenues I could go down to get all h’s information I needed.
since ppl keep suggesting this could be a MH crisis, I don’t think it is, but I will not brush the idea aside. I’ve suffered with MH issues myself in the past so aware how it can affect ppl in diligent ways. I will wait until Friday and contact the solicitor again on Monday to go ahead with divorce proceedings if I am satisfied there is no MH concerns and he is indeed just a complete arsehole.

OP posts:

HallidayJones6779 · 20/08/2024 22:54

thanks for the update op. Glad it went well. Sounds like you have a good plan (well, as good as it can be in the situation). You are coping amazingly well.

DefyingGravitas · 20/08/2024 22:55

SugarSage · 20/08/2024 22:21

My mother had a serious mental health breakdown when I was 12 years old. Her behaviour was bizarre, completely out of character & her thoughts and actions would be deemed selfish and cruel to anyone on the outside, looking in. She was seriously ill, & took off for 3 weeks in the middle of the night with none of us knowing whether she was safe. She was found and sectioned, & made an excellent recovery back to my loving, kind mother & wife to my dad. When someone is having a crisis they won't be rational and consider other people's feelings, they can and will be cold and also tell lies. I do feel for OP, I've lived it. Like I said, it will have to be talked about to resolve whatever is going on. We're only getting OP's side of the story. I remain impartial but not uncaring. Whatever the outcome, as long as OP finds happiness that's all that matters.

Show quote history

I’m sorry that happened to you and thank you for sharing. It does sound as though OP’s DH hasn’t been the best H for a long time however.

Original poster

JustMissNobody · 20/08/2024 22:57

StripyPanda · 20/08/2024 22:16

What i don’t understand is IF DH has been working more and for longer hours and getting away with only contributing £100 p/w towards household costs he is obvs raking in the cash???
If you were well off by raking in this cash why would this make you more miserable / snappy / withdrawn / tight as a ducks ass ?
He has no need to work these long hours as it seems he has got along just fine on the pittance he got away with contributing ?
I don’t think he has been working when he says he has.
Could it be an addiction or could he be involved in some sort of criminal activity
Why obtain a passport a year ago when he doesn’t like travelling but at the drop of a hat take of like a greyhound when it suits him.
His family have also noticed a change and as for him being evasive when anyone questions him definitely seems to raise red flags.
At the end of the day for whatever reason DH is acting like this I totally understand why OP has decided the relationship is over and i know you won’t think this atm but you will look back in a few months and feel freedom and self worth ❤️ OP you seem to be a lovely woman who has acted very dignified on here, you can hold your head up high …. I wish you all the best for what the future has in store for you.

he has obvs planned to go away at some point by obtaining a passport (don’t believe the ID scenario) this could have been for a ‘get out’ option ?
he has very little mail delivered (could have it sent elsewhere) but why?
seems to think £100 p/w is an acceptable amount to contribute (Joker) obvs spending it somewhere
working longer and more hours but has nothing to show for it (think this is a guise)
no paper trail of documents, letters, forms (for a self employed person) but takes car keys with him when he took a taxi to the airport (must be some sort of evidence somewhere in that car)

There was an issue with an addiction to gambling many yrs ago. Not something he’s done, or I’m aware of since we cleared the debt though. It took some time and he wasn’t able to get any credit / credit cards for a long time after.

OP posts:

BettyBardMacDonald · 20/08/2024 22:57

Thank you for the update; so glad you are getting professional advice. 💐

redtrain123 · 20/08/2024 23:00

I’m curious, what makes you think dh will reveal all, when he said nothing about this trip but just upped and went.

StripyPanda · 20/08/2024 23:01

JustMissNobody · 20/08/2024 22:57

There was an issue with an addiction to gambling many yrs ago. Not something he’s done, or I’m aware of since we cleared the debt though. It took some time and he wasn’t able to get any credit / credit cards for a long time after.

Show quote history

I think you have found your answer??

localnotail · 20/08/2024 23:02

OP, please answer regarding the car!!! You said you have the keys, and its full of STUFF. Why haven't you opened it yet???

Original poster

JustMissNobody · 20/08/2024 23:05

localnotail · 20/08/2024 20:07

OP, hope your solicitor app went well.

Why are you not getting into his car though? I find it really strange, as obviously there could be something in there that might explain his weird behaviour. Are you afraid of what you may find?

Yes, I’ve got to a point were my blood is no longer at boiling point and the fog is lifting. I’m seeing things much clearer and I’m afraid if I do find something to prove OW with absolute certainty I will lose it and I really don’t want to. I feel I need to remain calm and motivated or I won’t cope and get through this.

OP posts:

Original poster

JustMissNobody · 20/08/2024 23:06

redtrain123 · 20/08/2024 23:00

I’m curious, what makes you think dh will reveal all, when he said nothing about this trip but just upped and went.

I’m sorry, what do you mean? x

OP posts:

BettyBardMacDonald · 20/08/2024 23:08

Did the solicitor have any advice about ascertaining what your husband's income actually is?

Fannyfiggs · 20/08/2024 23:09

rochenut · 20/08/2024 19:17

not at all
not in the slightest

and fact that one is fully unsupportive of the op and the other is on the fence simply made me wonder whether perhaps… there was a different interpretation of events

Show quote history

Give it a rest. Every thread I see you on you're deliberately being goady and trying to wind people up. You're a pita.

Then you'll disappear for a few days and reappear with a new name.

I don't understand what you get from it 🤷

Namechangeofcours · 20/08/2024 23:10

JustMissNobody · 20/08/2024 22:57

There was an issue with an addiction to gambling many yrs ago. Not something he’s done, or I’m aware of since we cleared the debt though. It took some time and he wasn’t able to get any credit / credit cards for a long time after.

Show quote history

Isn't this by far the most likely explanation? It explains only giving £100, the weird distant behaviour, and the running away. He's in huge amounts of gambling debt and he is panicking. Did you tell the solicitor he used to have a gambling addiction?

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 20/08/2024 23:11

So today is/was Tuesday, yesterday you found the car keys.
you were preparing mentally and making notes for your solicitor appointment

Please tomorrow, go check out the car.
for your own peace of mind !

you may find nothing at all, it may be a habit he takes his car keys with him esp as he didn't take the spare - maybe it is fate you did manage to find them.

you may find a ow underwear, tho I doubt it.

however you may find some type of paperwork, whether that be business related or bank statements or tax invoices
or gambling slips.

what have you to lose ? if you do check the car out
of course not doing it when daughter is at home, and turning off any ring door bell etc.

3luckystars · 20/08/2024 23:12

I agree he is probably running away. none of it is adding up.

Even if he comes home next week, he is not going to suddenly be honest about everything.

I wish you all the best x

Mum5net · 20/08/2024 23:13

OP, respecting your position on the car, could you at least locate the spare keys and be aware of the clone code if you ever wanted to get a copy set in the far off future?
I think it is unlikely you would enter the car once you separate, particularly if you and he are living in different households, but there's no harm having it.