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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

To be suspicious of DH .. CONT..

1000 replies

JustMissNobody · 20/08/2024 14:59

Hi all,
thank you for your replies, hints and tips. I’ve read them all and made notes. I’m doing ok at the moment, a bit anxious about solicitors app shortly. Had loads of work to catch up today, my heads been a bit foggy and not been able to focus fully.
managed to actually get a good nights sleep last night. Got in bed with a glass of wine and started reading your replies and just woke up this morning with my phone next to me. I don’t know what I’ve been running on but whatever it was must have run out last night!
To answer a few ppl we have 3 DD. 1 completely on dads side, 1 on the fence but thinks I’m acting a bit crazy and need to wait till dh is home to talk and if there is OW then agrees its over, 1 totally thinks he’s been an absolute arsehole and his actions are completely indefensible.
I’ve made a list of questions as suggested here and got all my paperwork together.
ive also found out that his family have been concerned about changes in his character for a while and suspicious of his behaviour and been asking him if he’s ok but he’s just been snappy with them and been avoiding them.
so maybe MH related or aware that his actions will disappoint his family breaking up a marriage of all these years for OW?

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 22/08/2024 17:41

@OldCrocks

h arrived home this morning, and went straight to bed where it appears he has stayed all day !
I am surprised he didn't come down expecting lunch...

Mercurysinretrograde · 22/08/2024 17:41

OldCrocks · 22/08/2024 17:36

Wait, what?? He's home? What happened? Has anything been said? By anyone?

No, by all accounts he snuck in and he’s hiding in the bedroom like a scaredy-pants until DD comes home to protect him and gang up on OP. What a douchebag. Enjoy the Spa OP!

Baileysandcream · 22/08/2024 17:42

JustMissNobody · 22/08/2024 17:17

Being the youngest dd3 has had way too much and been spoilt. I’m guilty as charged on that point. There’s a larger age gap between other dds. That have commented on it at times and she gets very defensive about it and says she’s still the baby.

Might explain in part why she seems to want win "the best present competition"?

Also seems that she doesn't see herself as a fully grown up adult capable of being independent and starting a family of her own, given this and the comment that you shouldn't have had kids if you can't support them. As so many others have commented, she's not a kid anymore !

CrunchyCarrot · 22/08/2024 17:46

Mercurysinretrograde · 22/08/2024 17:41

No, by all accounts he snuck in and he’s hiding in the bedroom like a scaredy-pants until DD comes home to protect him and gang up on OP. What a douchebag. Enjoy the Spa OP!

Yep that's exactly what's going on! They will get quite the surprise when they find out OP has gone!

mommatoone · 22/08/2024 17:48

Have a great time at the Spa OP. . Put your phone on silent or Turn it off. Do something for you for a change. 🥂

Otterspotterspocket · 22/08/2024 17:49

JustMissNobody · 22/08/2024 17:24

Well I’ve logged off work for the week now, feels like it’s been a very loooong week 😩
h is still in bed.
just got a couple of things to sort out then I’m off to the hotel.
dd should be home from work just after 6pm so will be gone by the time she gets home too.

I have been following your posts with incredulity and horror at how you have been treated but am now in utter admiration of how you are handling the situation with grace and dignity .. in fact you have just become my new personal hero! Try to enjoy your time at the spa at least to keep your head focussed on the bigger picture. I sense there will be a lot of whining and gaslight when the shit hits the fan but you have a core of strength that will keep you on the right path. You have a lot of people rooting for you! Well done, you are amazing; I wish I had had your strength when I needed it! Flowers

OldCrocks · 22/08/2024 17:51

Can't believe I missed that update! Thanks @OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon @Mercurysinretrograde

Delphiniumandlupins · 22/08/2024 17:51

Enjoy your spa break. Ignore updating here.

Fannyfiggs · 22/08/2024 17:56

Bloody hell, you're a better woman than me @JustMissNobody I'd have dragged both your daughter and husband right out of the house, told them both to fuck off and changed the locks.

But your way is much more dignified. I take my hat off to you, you've been a queen all the way through this ❤️

GuessingGownaGoGo · 22/08/2024 17:59

Hoping you've left already, but if you haven't and either your daughter or partner question where you are going, please just say 'my turn now', with a smile and a twinkle in your eye and just close the door behind you and zoom off.

Get to the spa, have a big glass of wine and a lovely relaxing evening with your phone switched to silent.

TwinklyAmberOrca · 22/08/2024 18:01

Have a lovely time @JustMissNobody !! I would turn your phone off for a bit so you can enjoy some peace and relaxation!

KievLoverTwo · 22/08/2024 18:01

JustMissNobody · 22/08/2024 17:11

Her argument to that is I shouldn’t have had kids if I can’t afford them. She thinks it’s wrong to ‘make money off your children’ … I’m sick of hearing her arguments. She’ll make a good barrister!!

DD: Oh, do piss off.

I got my first job aged 15, started a week after my 16th birthday, and paid my mum £200 rent from my £550 take home. My mum had a lot of money at this point in time, it had nothing to do with money, it had to do with taking responsibility.

It taught me that rent was a financial responsibility that I always had to factor in. I couldn't party away £550 a month - which I very much WOULD have done.

Oh, and to the pp who hilariously said 'I should think you'd be grateful to be washing your children's clothes when they're home from uni' - that's how you get entitled brats, and kids who don't know how to survive on their own. My OH is 42 and because his mum never taught him how to do anything, still can't be trusted not to shrink a clothes wash.

My mum, however, had me hand washing my school jumper every Saturday from the age of 14, doing my own clothes washing at the age of 16, and on the few occasions when I was pre-14 and didn't take her seriously, and didn't remove all my clothes from my bedroom floor, I DID come home to find she'd chucked them all out of the window, just as she had promised. The humiliation of the neighbours seeing that meant I thought twice before not listening to her. Every Saturday, her, me and stepdad all cleaned the house from top to bottom, from the age of about 12. No excuses, everyone mucked in. During school holidays aged 14 and 15, I spent weeks going to work with her and doing a boring menial job at her work place whilst she was somewhere busy being important. It was absolutely, utterly exhausting (getting up at 5.30am! teenagers really do need more sleep) but I earned money and I learned the value of earning your own money.

Now I'm as neat as a shiny new pin and wouldn't dream of living with someone rent-free unless I was in real dire straights and they offered it.

I should think you'd be grateful to do your kid's washing. Christ. Anyone would think it's 1950.

Scottishskifun · 22/08/2024 18:05

JustMissNobody · 22/08/2024 17:24

Well I’ve logged off work for the week now, feels like it’s been a very loooong week 😩
h is still in bed.
just got a couple of things to sort out then I’m off to the hotel.
dd should be home from work just after 6pm so will be gone by the time she gets home too.

Honestly OP enjoy your time away block your "D"H and DD3 on your phone for the next 2 nights and enjoy yourself!

The two of them can fend for themselves and you can have an overdue rest!
Tell DD2 (is that the sensible one not on the fence?) where you are on the basis of emergency only to contact you

OhcantthInkofaname · 22/08/2024 18:05

When you get home ask DD3 if she has enough saved for her own place! And quit doing for her or him.

CowTown · 22/08/2024 18:06

JustMissNobody · 22/08/2024 17:11

Her argument to that is I shouldn’t have had kids if I can’t afford them. She thinks it’s wrong to ‘make money off your children’ … I’m sick of hearing her arguments. She’ll make a good barrister!!

Is she thinking you should “afford” her until she’s 40? 50? I would have thought it was until she finished education. Once she’s done with education and is employed, the free ride is over.

TheHouseElf · 22/08/2024 18:07

Have a great break OP - spoil yourself and try and relax. Its about time you started prioritising yourself. You've put others before yourself for far too long and they are just expecting it. Good luck OP.

Wantitalltogoaway · 22/08/2024 18:07

GuessingGownaGoGo · 22/08/2024 17:59

Hoping you've left already, but if you haven't and either your daughter or partner question where you are going, please just say 'my turn now', with a smile and a twinkle in your eye and just close the door behind you and zoom off.

Get to the spa, have a big glass of wine and a lovely relaxing evening with your phone switched to silent.

OP’s 34-year marriage (and possibly her relationship with one of her daughters) is imploding. This isn’t a game.

Which planet are YOU on?

RainbowColouredRainbows · 22/08/2024 18:09

JustMissNobody · 22/08/2024 17:24

Well I’ve logged off work for the week now, feels like it’s been a very loooong week 😩
h is still in bed.
just got a couple of things to sort out then I’m off to the hotel.
dd should be home from work just after 6pm so will be gone by the time she gets home too.

I hope you have a really lovely time. Don't worry about him - you copes, and so will he! But you've had a stressful week and you deserve a treatment before all hell breaks lose!

Isometimeswonder · 22/08/2024 18:16

JustMissNobody · 22/08/2024 17:24

Well I’ve logged off work for the week now, feels like it’s been a very loooong week 😩
h is still in bed.
just got a couple of things to sort out then I’m off to the hotel.
dd should be home from work just after 6pm so will be gone by the time she gets home too.

I hope you have a nice relax @JustMissNobody .
Remember, you have lots of virtual friends here!

endofthelinefinally · 22/08/2024 18:16

Cookie19 · 22/08/2024 02:58

Also, one thing I wondered.... Will he be able to see notification emails from mumsnet relating to your post.... if he has access to your email?

OP, I really hope you have changed all the passwords etc. If they can get into your email they have probably read this thread.
Please do it all now if you haven't already.

LozzaChops101 · 22/08/2024 18:17

I really hope you have a lovely, stress-free, weekend, if you can! ENJOY!

Crikeyalmighty · 22/08/2024 18:17

@KievLoverTwo yep me too , and at 16 I not only had a full time job in a bank I worked Saturday and Sunday morning from 7 to 11 breakfast waitressing in a hotel- was bringing home £42 a week ( this was the late 70s) and paying parents £14

KievLoverTwo · 22/08/2024 18:24

Crikeyalmighty · 22/08/2024 18:17

@KievLoverTwo yep me too , and at 16 I not only had a full time job in a bank I worked Saturday and Sunday morning from 7 to 11 breakfast waitressing in a hotel- was bringing home £42 a week ( this was the late 70s) and paying parents £14

My mum and sister made me write 200 letters asking for any job openings in London when I was 15, before I was able to get on the train to pick up the newspapers with adverts.

Had I not got a job, it would have been another 200, and then another. It was literally 'here's a book with the companies and addresses, start at A.'

Not having employment was absolutely not an option.

justjurate · 22/08/2024 18:25

AgathaSultana · 22/08/2024 17:38

How are you so calm, I'd be demanding an explanation and telling him to sod right back out the door

Going by what OP said in previous posts it's pointless for her to ask anything from him. He was gaslight her before, she's been on eggshells before this "spontaneous trip".

justjurate · 22/08/2024 18:26

KievLoverTwo · 22/08/2024 18:24

My mum and sister made me write 200 letters asking for any job openings in London when I was 15, before I was able to get on the train to pick up the newspapers with adverts.

Had I not got a job, it would have been another 200, and then another. It was literally 'here's a book with the companies and addresses, start at A.'

Not having employment was absolutely not an option.

But OPs DD3 is employed. I bet she has a good income too.

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