To be suspicious of DH .. CONT..

[JustMissNobody]

Hi all,
thank you for your replies, hints and tips. I’ve read them all and made notes. I’m doing ok at the moment, a bit anxious about solicitors app shortly. Had loads of work to catch up today, my heads been a bit foggy and not been able to focus fully.
managed to actually get a good nights sleep last night. Got in bed with a glass of wine and started reading your replies and just woke up this morning with my phone next to me. I don’t know what I’ve been running on but whatever it was must have run out last night!
To answer a few ppl we have 3 DD. 1 completely on dads side, 1 on the fence but thinks I’m acting a bit crazy and need to wait till dh is home to talk and if there is OW then agrees its over, 1 totally thinks he’s been an absolute arsehole and his actions are completely indefensible.
I’ve made a list of questions as suggested here and got all my paperwork together.
ive also found out that his family have been concerned about changes in his character for a while and suspicious of his behaviour and been asking him if he’s ok but he’s just been snappy with them and been avoiding them.
so maybe MH related or aware that his actions will disappoint his family breaking up a marriage of all these years for OW?

Gambling so.

Don’t bail him out again, or it will be bigger next time.

Absolutely

But my kids, even whilst saving still paid 'something'. If only for some of the food!

And whilst I was happy to do the washing (never makes sense to me for everyone to do their own) they dealt with it when it was dry, They cooked sometimes. They helped with housework. They cleaned up and cleared away, I was not Dobby the House Elf.

I’m sorry about this, huge drip feed.. but when I was young my mum treated me appallingly, I never got anything, men were always more important to her than me. We had a very strained relationship until the dc’s came along. She was a much better GM the DM. We became much closer from then on and rebuilt our relationship and I excepted her and her failings
due to this it made me put my family above all else in life. I’ve given everything to it, ended friendships to save my marriage and worked hard at supporting everyone with their needs and wants.
im not trying to make out I’m perfect (I’m far from it) but everything I’ve ever done is for my family and my love for them.
ive just seen a post on fb saying if someone has the power to destroy and break you, should you trust them to help in putting you back together.. it really hit me!

Her argument to that is I shouldn’t have had kids if I can’t afford them. She thinks it’s wrong to ‘make money off your children’ … I’m sick of hearing her arguments. She’ll make a good barrister!!

I'm sorry, this really angered me!
She is not a "KID", IS SHE?
You could afford KIDS, you cannot afford ADULTS

Which, BTW, you are "affording " TWO of, atm

She's an entiled madam. Unreal.

Her argument to that is I shouldn’t have had kids if I can’t afford them. She thinks it’s wrong to ‘make money off your children’ … I’m sick of hearing her arguments. She’ll make a good barrister!!

She is a self entitled brat.
I would stop doing anything for her. She can do her own washing and cooking, and so can your husband.

Being the youngest dd3 has had way too much and been spoilt. I’m guilty as charged on that point. There’s a larger age gap between other dds. That have commented on it at times and she gets very defensive about it and says she’s still the baby.

I'm not surprised your DD is close to her father OP.

Like gravitates to like.

OP, may be too late to say… but I 100% agree with lamnotalemming.

Be the dignified, mature, strong woman that you are and let him know you’re having a little break to give each other space. And you’ll talk to him when you’re back. Don’t be drawn in. Polite, bright, quick and confident. Preferably face-to-face, but if you can’t face it or he’s asleep, then by message.

It might help to pick up a really good book for your spa stay. Auto/biography or novel featuring a strong woman, who overcomes adversity and inspires. Then you can have your phone off, immerse yourself and enjoy the you-time. You’ve got this. And we’re here for you.

@JustMissNobody
Did you leave for the spa?
Did you H get out of the room at all?

Stop indulging her. She's being awful to you. She's also very much not a child, although she acts like one.

Bullies see kindness as weakness to be exploited.

So you've gone out of your way to not be like your mum op? It's really common for people to do the opposite of what their parents did but sometimes it can go too far. Time to put boundaries in place and reclaim yourself.

And yes it's heartbreaking that you can't trust your husband but he has shown you who he is and you must believe him and make yourself safe from him.

I'm not sure what you are planning on doing but your DD needs a wake up call. I wouldn't write her off though, she just needs to grow up a bit.

You could afford children. You can't afford to subsidise adults.

Well I’ve logged off work for the week now, feels like it’s been a very loooong week 😩
h is still in bed.
just got a couple of things to sort out then I’m off to the hotel.
dd should be home from work just after 6pm so will be gone by the time she gets home too.

I hope you didn't tell her you were going away. Switch off the camera so they can't see you leaving, and have a lovely break.

I'm sorry but at 26/27 she is NOT a baby. And she has not been a child for a long time. Im all for adult offspring living with parents, especially if its for savjng up the ££ for deposit, but they must pull their weight and contribute to bills! Sorry but she needs some tough love.
She's certainly a father's daughter.
Entitled adult-children are so annoying. Do they ever grow up?

If my dd at 27 said to me she’s still the baby, I’d laugh my head off, say well you’re definitely acting like one. Then refuse do do anything for her again. As obviously she has to learn!

What a horrible feeling to know that your d3 and your H have taken advantage of your kind nature and views towards a 'family unit'. They've just used you and run roughshod over your feelings, been dismissive and patronising.

I really hope that all the scales have dropped from your eyes and you can truly see them for what they really are.

I don't see how you can, but try and enjoy your 2 nights away. At least time away from them will help clear your thoughts but obviously they'll collude together whilst you're out of the house and be a strong force for when you return. I hope you have close friends IRL to help support you OP. 💐

Your daughter seems beyond entitled and it’s probably modelled after your husband’s example. He must really be jealous of your kindness and capability and honesty to be so cruel and to purposefully encourage your offspring together to treat you so badly is reprehensible. Children are taken away from a parent who try to alienate them from the other. He really is a nasty piece of work. This situation was only ever going to get worse for you by the sounds of things. I’m glad your eldest is more reasonable. Enjoy the spa!

I'd be spending it, legitimately, then!

Wait, what?? He's home? What happened? Has anything been said? By anyone?

How are you so calm, I'd be demanding an explanation and telling him to sod right back out the door