To be suspicious of DH .. CONT..

[JustMissNobody]

Hi all,
thank you for your replies, hints and tips. I’ve read them all and made notes. I’m doing ok at the moment, a bit anxious about solicitors app shortly. Had loads of work to catch up today, my heads been a bit foggy and not been able to focus fully.
managed to actually get a good nights sleep last night. Got in bed with a glass of wine and started reading your replies and just woke up this morning with my phone next to me. I don’t know what I’ve been running on but whatever it was must have run out last night!
To answer a few ppl we have 3 DD. 1 completely on dads side, 1 on the fence but thinks I’m acting a bit crazy and need to wait till dh is home to talk and if there is OW then agrees its over, 1 totally thinks he’s been an absolute arsehole and his actions are completely indefensible.
I’ve made a list of questions as suggested here and got all my paperwork together.
ive also found out that his family have been concerned about changes in his character for a while and suspicious of his behaviour and been asking him if he’s ok but he’s just been snappy with them and been avoiding them.
so maybe MH related or aware that his actions will disappoint his family breaking up a marriage of all these years for OW?

Have you thought of .. Turn off Location on your phone.
He or DD could be tracking your every move.
None of their business where you are.
sending you best wishes.

Hi sorry, not had chance to read replies, had to get up this morning really early and get cracking at work. Got so much to do since I’ve booked tomorrow off and got a back log (my own fault not been fully focused).
anyway, just grabbing a quick lunch break,
h got back this morning, I was in the office working so didn’t see him just heard him come in. He’s gone straight up to bed and been there since. Not spoken to him, I’ve got too much to do tbh and I really don’t know what TO say at this point.
I don’t know if he’s just avoiding me, the situation, or waiting for dd to get home from work for back up?
reading my own posts back now I can’t even believe this is actual rl 😢

OP just completely ignore him until you leave. I’d make sure there’s no food in the house too. Fucking cheek of him just getting home from a holiday and pissing off straight to bed. Leave a note too for his missing money being put in the account TODAY!

OP, I hope you're enjoying your spa time. I too have huge admiration for how you're handling this. He's a sneaky, underhand little shit at best, and you deserve SO much more. I hope, too, that much needed boundaries can be put in place with your daughter - and anyone else in your life who tries to take the piss out of you again. X

OP send him an email or text about the missing money so you have an evidence trail, he could claim he’d not seen a note.

Hes playing avoidance tactics, he's already sent a message via his flying monkey he doesn't want questioned. Let him fester in bed. Meanwhile you take off for your break and disregard the pair of them. They deserve each other. Good luck. 💐.

Even better!

@DesparatePragmatist i do understand your thinking on the tit-for-tat, I hadn’t really thought about it in that respect tbf, I was just not wanting to be home on his return to face him. I’m honestly not sure if I’ll be able to relax when I’m there. At the moment at home I’m feeling calmer and stronger but who knows how I’ll feel later, tomorrow, next week? I’m honestly just getting by hour by hour right now x

I imagine you not flying through the door in a rage at him has thrown him off and he’s hiding out wondering when you’re going to come and find him for an explanation.

i would just carry on your day as normal as if he’s not in. Then get yourself sorted for the spa and just leave.
if he doesn’t come and find you to talk to and apologise/ explain then leave him too it.

if he does come to you and says “do you want to talk?” Say yes ok, go ahead and wait for him to start talking. You’re not the one with explaining to do so you remind him of that and you’re there to listen to him talk.

gosh I wonder if it sounds like he's gambling again with new credit cards etc & it's got to a point where he has to confess to you so has run away to think for a week

@JustMissNobody , you’ve been through an emotional rollercoaster in the last 6 days and you’ve been handling it brilliantly.

I’m sure this whole experience together with all the responses you’ve received on both threads has been eye-opening for you and there is a lot for you to process.

I hope you don’t feel that you need to rush into making major decisions this weekend. Please don’t let yourself be pressured – either by your DH, DD or by posters here – you get to decide what’s next for you, what changes you want to make and when you want to make them.

Maybe a few nights away will give you some space alone away from the house to do some thinking?

Spa break puts the "power" back in your court, as it were. You're not there as he would expect you to be. You're not going to argue / demand explanations / sulk as he would expect you to. You just aren't - there! Get some headspace. Turn off phone.

A trip to the shops to fill empty fridge will be eye opening for him with his £100 a week ... The fact he didn't pay the £100 for the last two weeks - say nothing, see what he will do (and I'm betting he won't be paying for the few days he's been away as, bloke mindset, he hasn't been there).

I'd suggest - no demanding, no argument, no nothing. See what his reactions are when you get back - fury or rage, get out. If he want's to explain or justify his actions - get your notes from this week to refer to. Make notes of what he says but try and keep a blank expression (poker face, if you will ... ). I think, from your posts, you are done with this man, this situation.

Man, I wish I was there to buy you a cocktail!

@JustMissNobody

do you share the bedroom with him, does this mean you have to enter the bedroom to pack for your mini break or have you already packed

or do you now feel you are not going ?

He was only actually away for 4 nights though. I think he’s well aware that @JustMissNobody has seen a solicitor and has the photos of the letters etc. @JustMissNobody if you have a Facebook account, upload the letters to an album and set the privacy to “only me” making sure you have a new Facebook password. It’s completely reasonable for you to go away for a couple of nights without explanation and turn your location off. Your husband and daughter decided that’s normal reasonable behaviour, so they can’t really say anything - take your important documents and jewellery though.

He is home now. I would go and have a talk with him, not an argument just set boundaries. Don't give it a chance for DD to get home first.
I would tell him you've been married for 34 Yrs, you understand an argument will not achieve anything right now but you are hurt, sad and angry at the way he behaved and how inconsiderate it is to simply walk away from your spouse "for a break" like that. If he wants to explain why, I would be all ears (wouldn't change the fact I would still want to leave the marriage), but if he does not want to explain (most likely scenario), set you boundaries clearly: not more bullying, so you will NOT discuss with him or DD how they think YOU are unreasonable for reacting to this situation; you will need more financial support as you are ALSO feeling stressed and burned out but haVe NOT had a chance to leve on holiday by yourself... whatever other boundaries you need.
I would also be saying I need some space and for him (or myself) to sleep in the spare room.
I would also not be doing H or DDs laudry, cooking or abuthung any longer and if they ask then again say you are really stressed and burned out and there are 3 adults in the house who can share these responsibilities (or each can do their own "life admin")
ETA: And I would then proceed to my lovely spa break later today and continue to prepare for divirce papers!

PLEASE don't let him talk you out of your spa break. You need to be out of the house for a while for the sake of your own MH.

Firstly, have you ever been happy? It seems to me that all your family have not an ounce of respect for you and you have noone else to blame but yourself. Your DD is treating you like shit and you are letting her. You say you love her to bits but she obviously dosnt love you. I would throw her and your husband out. I dont think this is real though no one is such a carpet to be walked over as much as you make out.

I’ve just been reading through some of your posts and you’ve all been so lovely and supportive 💐
It’s really sad to read as I didn’t marry this man, the man I married was kind, loving, considerate and generous. I don’t know where that man went or when he left? It wasn’t suddenly or I would have noticed. This has been a gradual thing over many yrs that I’ve barely even noticed at all or I’ve just gotten used to as the new norm.

@Devilsadvocat

of course dd loves her mother, however it does appear she is a daddy's girl
and she may have no idea she too is being played

however she is living ' at home ' in a property in her mother's name that her mother pays for whilst she saves up for her own place - i think her finding her own place is now coming sooner than she thought.

as i don't see dad paying for somewhere large enough to house dd as well as him...

that's if they do break up, and Mum gives up the tenancy
mum might just tell h to leave

then it would be up to dd to decide if she were leaving with him

Yes, we used to be a really happy family unit. Lots of family days out when dcs were growing up, spent lots of time with extending family all very close (my parents, GP & h GP all sadly died now). H and I got on like the best of friends always laughing, wanted the same things in life. This is not how it’s always been. I’m trying to think back to when it all seemed to change 🤷‍♀️

I really feel for you @JustMissNobody your husband is treating you appallingly, all the secrecy, the silent treatment and blaming you. Marriage is a partnership and he is not being a partner to you he is behaving as an individual and a very selfish one at that.

If he wants to discuss in front of your DD I would suggest saying you want to talk just the two of you as a couple. Otherwise I have a feeling they will gaslight you.

ppl Wondering why the tenancy is in my name - h was in debt up to his eyeballs due to gambling previously with several CCJ’s on his credit file.

@JustMissNobody if you're trying to work out when the change started, a suggestion might be to look over any old photos or videos you have of him. It might be worth a try? I didn't notice my partner changing either until something major happened and then I was like you are now, trying to work out when he changed. I found a video which clearly showed him treated me with disregard if not some sort of contempt. It was surprising how many years ago it was.

He clearly doesn’t care. He’s not stupid, he will already know that he’s a dick…but he’s justified it by telling himself that he deserves to be selfish and that his wife is a whinging, stress head and that’s the part that’s really unfair.

Think of the way he decided that £400 a month is a satisfactory contribution to the home?! This man is horrible. He’ll know this is unacceptable too, but it’s about control and his own narcissistic view of himself being the only one who deserves not to have to struggle.

IF he even listened to op after his trip, he’ll be doing it for a quiet life, but I doubt it’ll go that way. By the sound of it, he’ll argue her down, make her feel like she’s in the wrong and involve the DD who will take his side.

I’d go off to my spa trip early, after all, he’s set the precedent for being able to take trips without having the decency to arrange that with others.

Id have a bloody relaxing time and book myself an abroad trip.

I wouldn’t answer any texts, with the exception of a thumbs up to confirm safety of necessary and I would leave them fend for themselves.

I sincerely hope that any enjoyment he felt on his trip quickly vanishes and is replaced by the stress he inflicted on others.