Page 29 | To be suspicious of DH .. CONT..

JustMissNobody · 2024-08-20T13:59:20+00:00

Hi all, thank you for your replies, hints and tips. I’ve read them all and made notes. I’m doing ok at the moment, a bit anxious about solicitors app shortly. Had loads of work to catch up today, my heads been a bit foggy and not been able to focus fully. managed to actually get a good nights sleep last night. Got in bed with a glass of wine and started reading your replies and just woke up this morning with my phone next to me. I don’t know what I’ve been running on but whatever it was must have run out last night! To answer a few ppl we have 3 DD. 1 completely on dads side, 1 on the fence but thinks I’m acting a bit crazy and need to wait till dh is home to talk and if there is OW then agrees its over, 1 totally thinks he’s been an absolute arsehole and his actions are completely indefensible. I’ve made a list of questions as suggested here and got all my paperwork together. ive also found out that his family have been concerned about changes in his character for a while and suspicious of his behaviour and been asking him if he’s ok but he’s just been snappy with them and been avoiding them. so maybe MH related or aware that his actions will disappoint his family breaking up a marriage of all these years for OW?

EatCrow · 22/08/2024 10:11

When you looked in his car and found the papers did you take them inside to photograph them? You said you felt uncomfortable because of builders nearby so wouldn’t that be the obvious solution?

Crumpleton · 22/08/2024 10:12

As pp said I’d be looking for a rental just for you

Preferably a nice one bed with room only for yourself.
Sometime to be alone, really alone and gather your thoughts without having to look over your shoulder and be bullied by your DD/DH.
Take time to decide what you want your future to be like.
Be heard.

You really are a lot more than your user name.
Look after yourself, your family are old enough now to cater for their own needs.

endofthelinefinally · 22/08/2024 10:18

JustMissNobody · 21/08/2024 21:58

h and dc’s know all my passwords, PIN codes to everything. DC’s all have my online banking details of accounts etc. always have if they ever needed money in an emergency or if anything happened to me and they needed to access funds.
only secret I have is this user name on here.

Wow. You need to change all that immediately!

endofthelinefinally · 22/08/2024 10:20

Haribo22 · 22/08/2024 09:51

Wouldn’t mumsnet be setting notifications re this thread if they have access to your email they will see ?

Yes. The email notifications click straight through to the thread.

BettyBardMacDonald · 22/08/2024 10:24

DesparatePragmatist · 22/08/2024 09:50

I've been following your threads OP and am impressed by the way you're dealing with this very unhappy and stressful situation. I can imagine as the layers are peeled back and you see more and more of the way your H has been acting in bad faith, your daughter has been affected by the weird dynamic, and your own generosity and kindness have been warped into a loss of boundaries and personal sense of self, that it will be very upsetting and challenging - but hopefully all of your future relationships and quality of life will benefit from going through this.

One thing I would gently question is the spa plan. Not that you don't deserve a break and a treat. But it feels a bit tit for tat, going down to your H's level - and will you really relax and enjoy it?

The thing you've got going for you is your ability to behave with integrity and self control - I would be tempted to carry on doing that, sort out your future living and financial arrangements, and save a spa break as a celebration.

What?!

OP is not behaving "tit for tat" in some childish manner. She has done nothing untoward to her husband or daughter but they have been treating her like shit.

She deserves these days away to relax and clear her head, and be pampered.

Enjoy your break, @JustMissNobody !!

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 22/08/2024 10:26

Regarding emails for notifications for Mumsnet - I turned that function off months ago, as i was getting far too many emails. The only emails i get now from here are if I have reported a post or a thread.

holrosea · 22/08/2024 10:26

EdithBond · 21/08/2024 23:40

Hey OP, it’s so impressive how you’re dealing with this.

Well done for checking the car. Sounded nerve-wracking! Don’t feel you’ve done anything wrong. Given you’re his wife and share a home and your finances with him, it’s hardly an unreasonable thing to do. And it appears he’s been emotionally/financially abusing you for years.

Don’t give him the satisfaction of the expected argument. Remain calm and aloof. Let him explain himself, then say you want to think about what he’s said and remove yourself.

Reading your threads, it seems your DD’s equally disdainful and disrespectful behaviour is likely learnt behaviour from her father. Did it get worse when the other DDs moved out and the three of you were left? With her increasingly ‘siding’ and joining in with your DH?

No doubt, her behaviour towards you is appalling. Especially while living rent free and being looked after like a child in your own home. But try not to think too badly of her. The blame lies solely with your DH for setting her such a poor example in how to treat/disrespect you, and encouraging her to be his ‘ally’.

His behaviour is likely so normal to her that she’s at risk of similarly unhealthy relationships, including choosing a partner who treats her badly. Because she’s witnessed that happening to you as her female role model.

By remaining calm, while making it clear you won’t tolerate any more disrespect, you’ll start to undo the damage. It’s the best way to teach her women shouldn’t be (and shouldn’t tolerate being) treated like that. Show her lots of love and there’s far more chance when you divorce (as it seems you must) she’ll become closer to you and you can both heal together.

But for now set boundaries (don’t be her slave) and don’t trust her. Change your passwords immediately and don’t leave anything in the house while you’re at the spa that your DH could use in a divorce. It’s still possible there’s an OW and there appear to be debts (credit cards).

I strongly suggest you read about emotional abuse and seek some counselling via a local domestic abuse agency to help you process everything. I still struggle to admit that’s what I experienced. But being told that’s what it was, along with the support/counselling I received, certainly made me realise the behaviour was unacceptable and I should expect better. So I left.

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Hi OP,

I've been following your thread and am silently cheering you on from afar. It must be painful to have the scales fall from your eyes, so to speak, but I am so impressed by the way that you have made your decision and sprung to action.

As other PP have said, CHANGE YOUR PASSWORDS. EVERY SINGLE ONE. Get a password manager app - you can download one on your phone and access it by fingerprint or by a PIN code. It can suggest a different secure password for every service you use and save them for you. If your PIN is a birthday/wedding date/significant date, pick one that only you will know like when you started a job, or pick a random official date like the Queen's birthday or the start of the tax year.

What I really wanted to add was that I read an article on "Daddy's Girl Misogyny". I cannot find the link but in short, it said that many daughters, especially in households where the domestic load is not equally shared, recognise that being The Wife and The Mother and The Nag is boring, labour-intensive and thankless. To avoid the same fate as their mother, they often buddy up with the father in the hope of escaping that identity. They mock/belittle/criticise the mother and her work, often as a team, and the daughter hopes that this behaviour will pull her onboard the patriarchal raft and spare her from the same misogyny.

It is unlikely she started doing it deliberately but it is self-preserving behaviour learned in an environment where the dynamic of power/work is imbalanced. As an adult, she should know better but maybe she's seen that being kind, generous and "sucking it up" as you seem to have done for decades gets you nowhere. I hope that you regaining your independence and no longer taking this shit is a wakeup call for her too.

coffeenootropics · 22/08/2024 10:27

Nottodaythankyou123 · 22/08/2024 08:56

As in get a power of attorney in place for one of the kids to have POA in case of an emergency rather than them all just having open access to all the accounts. Reading back it was badly worded but fairly obvious what I meant 🙄

Show quote history

it wasn’t

coffeenootropics · 22/08/2024 10:29

and no need for the op to “get power of attorney” for one of her daughters anyway

coffeenootropics · 22/08/2024 10:31

I quite clearly didn’t mean get a POA for someone to make decisions now

Given a number of posters have been confused by your post and you have had to say “I meant” twice in follow up posts… it really was not clear

and no point anyway

Nottodaythankyou123 · 22/08/2024 10:34

coffeenootropics · 22/08/2024 10:31

I quite clearly didn’t mean get a POA for someone to make decisions now

Given a number of posters have been confused by your post and you have had to say “I meant” twice in follow up posts… it really was not clear

and no point anyway

Ok 👍🏼 just a suggestion based on what I’ve done with my own parents to ensure I can make decisions if they lack capacity, but not before then.

Nottodaythankyou123 · 22/08/2024 10:35

coffeenootropics · 22/08/2024 10:29

and no need for the op to “get power of attorney” for one of her daughters anyway

Grant a POA in case of emergency (and emergency only not just general day to day). I thought this was common, but clearly not!

LivelyMintViper · 22/08/2024 10:44

I think you should put some boundaries in place with DD. She doesn't get to pile in on you with her father, she needs to be more self sufficient and contribute to the household. Dp needs to.up his payment. You are currently a grossly underpaid skivvy. You deserve better. Demand it in a calm dispassionate way. It wouldn't hurt him to do all his own housekeeping. Entitled so-and-so. Wishing you a better tomorrow

Wheresthebeach · 22/08/2024 10:53

Well done for going to the solicitor. The hard reality is that your DH has been treating you appallingly for years, and he's roped your DD into the abusive cycle. You've had 34 years of this, it's incredibly hard to break free, and stand up to them. They will blame you, say your crazy etc all so they can continue to take advantage of you. Your DH using DD to ferry messages is classic abusive behaviour. Don't wait to listen to his latest excuses, pleas and begging or threats that will follow. File for divorce and start a new, happier, life.

daisychain01 · 22/08/2024 10:59

Wantitalltogoaway · 22/08/2024 08:42

Power of Attorney is granted to a trusted person, or it could be a solicitor. I can't see why it would be necessary to do that, just to control access to online accounts. Sledgehammer to crack a nut.

Because people on this thread are hysterical!

The trouble is that saying random shit as "fact" when someone is going through this dreadful situation is not being supportive or responsible.

people shouldn't be living out the drama inside their head on the OPs thread but they always do

TinyGingerCat · 22/08/2024 11:25

This thread and the other one had blown my mind. it is not normal or acceptable for the following,

Partners randomly fucking off on holiday
Children having all passwords and PINs for mum's bank accounts
Partners keeping all paperwork in their cars and hiding the spare key
Partner having no clue how much other partner earns (especially when said partner had had problematic gambling issues)
Parents involving adult children in their relationship issues
Partner on the recieving end of this being incredibly passive and allowing themselves to be treated this badly.

OP find your bloody anger and stop trying to keep the bloody peace

Wantitalltogoaway · 22/08/2024 11:25

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 22/08/2024 09:23

I'm trying to put myself in your shoes op, what would I do if I were you?
I think I would do this ...

Change passwords/pins on everything
Tell DH I'm done, that there will be no arguments, divorce is happening.
Find myself a rental property
Give notice on rental property and advise DD and DH of end date
Serve divorce papers
Sit down with Dd and tell her how hurtful her behaviour has been and tell her the days of treating her like a child,d are over, she's to stand on her own two feet.
Stop doing any shopping/cleaning/cooking etc etc.
Syphon off money, including buying new wardrobe for new life
Temporarily you come out of pension (no point building it up to share)

10. Tell all daughters there will be no more money for now, until finances sorted out.

Edited

You’re not allowed to do no. 8.

This would be looked on very unfavourably by a court.

Nottodaythankyou123 · 22/08/2024 11:25

daisychain01 · 22/08/2024 10:59

The trouble is that saying random shit as "fact" when someone is going through this dreadful situation is not being supportive or responsible.

people shouldn't be living out the drama inside their head on the OPs thread but they always do

Show quote history

I’m not living out the drama! It was genuinely an attempt to be helpful - as I’ve said upthread, me and most of my friends have POA for our parents that only kicks in in an emergency which means we could access accounts and make decisions in an emergency without needing their actual passwords etc (which is what OP said she gave them the passwords for!!). I didn’t realise it wasn’t that common, and it’s a bit of a tangent from the main issue but it was an attempt to provide a helpful solution to her wanting them to have access in an emergency.

Wantitalltogoaway · 22/08/2024 11:29

Nottodaythankyou123 · 22/08/2024 11:25

I’m not living out the drama! It was genuinely an attempt to be helpful - as I’ve said upthread, me and most of my friends have POA for our parents that only kicks in in an emergency which means we could access accounts and make decisions in an emergency without needing their actual passwords etc (which is what OP said she gave them the passwords for!!). I didn’t realise it wasn’t that common, and it’s a bit of a tangent from the main issue but it was an attempt to provide a helpful solution to her wanting them to have access in an emergency.

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That’s not what OP meant when she said they have access to her accounts. They have access to her banking so that if they need money in an emergency (eg stranded abroad) they can just get some. A bit different to what you’d need POA for.

POA is common, sure, but it’s usually set up for when someone becomes incapacitated (usually permanently) and a relative needs to take control of their affairs.

That’s not what OP was talking about. In this case setting up a POA in case they need to get money from her day to day would be ridiculous.

Crumpleton · 22/08/2024 11:30

AmandaHoldensLips · 22/08/2024 10:09

The only fear he will have about OP leaving is that he will lose his domestic servant. That's all she is in his eyes, and sadly it sounds like one of the DD's has the same attitude.

He'll also find out just how laughable his £100 weekly contribution to the household finances is.

Nottodaythankyou123 · 22/08/2024 11:33

Wantitalltogoaway · 22/08/2024 11:29

That’s not what OP meant when she said they have access to her accounts. They have access to her banking so that if they need money in an emergency (eg stranded abroad) they can just get some. A bit different to what you’d need POA for.

POA is common, sure, but it’s usually set up for when someone becomes incapacitated (usually permanently) and a relative needs to take control of their affairs.

That’s not what OP was talking about. In this case setting up a POA in case they need to get money from her day to day would be ridiculous.

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Right, I thought she meant emergency eg she was incapacitated, not just emergency e.g stranded abroad etc, hence why I suggested having one set up as a backup, not just for everyday spending, that would clearly be ridiculous.

Must have just misinterpreted what she meant by emergency - not sure it’s warranted the pile on 😂

anothernewstart9 · 22/08/2024 11:46

Blondiebeachbabe · 22/08/2024 09:49

You have FAR bigger problems than this trip to France:

He gambles and has lost loads of money

You bailed him out, to your own disadvantage

He flirts with other women

You don't do anything together as a couple

He's financially abusive - who the FUCK gets to live on £400 spends a month?

He makes all the decisions and you just do what you're told (such as you're only getting £400 and you just accept that)

You pay for everything

He's secretive and hiding things from you

And I bet there's more. I bet you do most of the housework too, most of the cooking, shopping, cleaning etc

I mean, the trip to France might be the straw that broke the camels back, but fucking hell, all the rest of it is grim. You've been with him 34 years, iirc? Okay, sunk costs fallacy may be at play here, but honestly, having left a long marriage myself (20 years), I would get away from him and start over. You deserve so much more than this. And fwiw, I don't think for one second his trip to France was to chill out for a few days. There will be a reason it was France, and you'll never know what it was, because he's an absolute bell end who takes you for a fool. He's been secretly planning this trip, and you had no idea. Two separate lives really. What's the point of him?

I would get your finances in order, get your Solicitor to draw up a separation agreement laying out all the finances. A few things to think about : if his pension is bigger than yours, you can be financially compensated for that. If your career took a back seat to his, for raising children, you can be financially compensated for that too. I'd take him to the cleaners. How DARE he treat you like this!

This!

RareLemur · 22/08/2024 12:09

So basically he wants to swan off to an undisclosed holiday, you weren't allowed to ask any questions and are now being told to shut up about it because you are ruining his free time and he doesn't want to come back to an argument? that fills me with rage on your behalf.
I am glad you are divorcing him because that man is treating you appallingly, you deserve so much better.
Trust me, you will be so much happier and more peaceful once you get rid of him. Not having him, his sarky remarks and put downs, having to do things for him,.... will be like a ten tonne weight lifted from you.

Geosmin · 22/08/2024 12:17

Nottodaythankyou123 · 22/08/2024 11:25

I’m not living out the drama! It was genuinely an attempt to be helpful - as I’ve said upthread, me and most of my friends have POA for our parents that only kicks in in an emergency which means we could access accounts and make decisions in an emergency without needing their actual passwords etc (which is what OP said she gave them the passwords for!!). I didn’t realise it wasn’t that common, and it’s a bit of a tangent from the main issue but it was an attempt to provide a helpful solution to her wanting them to have access in an emergency.

Show quote history

I may be wrong, but I think OP implied that she had given account access to her adult children in case they had an emergency need for funds - not her.

Eyesopenwideawake · 22/08/2024 12:19

Have only read the OP's replies on both threads and don't think I've seen anything about if this couple love, or even like, each other. Maybe that's something they could have a chat about when this has all cooled down a bit.