To be suspicious of DH .. CONT..

[JustMissNobody]

Hi all,
thank you for your replies, hints and tips. I’ve read them all and made notes. I’m doing ok at the moment, a bit anxious about solicitors app shortly. Had loads of work to catch up today, my heads been a bit foggy and not been able to focus fully.
managed to actually get a good nights sleep last night. Got in bed with a glass of wine and started reading your replies and just woke up this morning with my phone next to me. I don’t know what I’ve been running on but whatever it was must have run out last night!
To answer a few ppl we have 3 DD. 1 completely on dads side, 1 on the fence but thinks I’m acting a bit crazy and need to wait till dh is home to talk and if there is OW then agrees its over, 1 totally thinks he’s been an absolute arsehole and his actions are completely indefensible.
I’ve made a list of questions as suggested here and got all my paperwork together.
ive also found out that his family have been concerned about changes in his character for a while and suspicious of his behaviour and been asking him if he’s ok but he’s just been snappy with them and been avoiding them.
so maybe MH related or aware that his actions will disappoint his family breaking up a marriage of all these years for OW?

Your daughter is not healthy - she’s been triangulated into the marriage and acts as a surrogate wife to him.
You need to up your game op - have some self respect.

As in get a power of attorney in place for one of the kids to have POA in case of an emergency rather than them all just having open access to all the accounts. Reading back it was badly worded but fairly obvious what I meant 🙄

I didn’t mean for now, you can set them up so they’re triggered by a certain event. I’ve got one for my mum but it only kicks in if she becomes incapable of making decisions, it’s not valid now. I quite clearly didn’t mean get a POA for someone to make decisions now, but that there’s one in place should it be needed to avoid everyone having access to all OPs account. It’s pretty standard IME.

She literally said she gave her kids access in case of an emergency, I’m just saying if she gets one in place in case of an emergency she won’t “need” them to have access now. Not hysterical, just common sense. Most of my friends have something similar in place for our parents in case of emergency.

Well that makes it sound like she's game playing with him too - telling him wild stories about you having been losing the plot all week...

What strategy do you have in place for when he walks in the door or will you make sure you'll have left for your own 2 night break before he arrives?

And please tell me, you changed every single password on emails/phone/bank/social media/mumsnet!!

Best of luck to you. We're all rooting for you.

No daughters panicking as mum's not reacting as they thought, good on op, chin up big knickers and out that door you go for a few days away, keep them on there toes 😉

Seriously? So they can see all your private emails, messages, bank details, your credit card PIN , everything? You really have set yourself up to be stalked and abused OP.
Please change everything asap. No wonder your dd knows everything that’s going on 😵‍💫☹️

Just to say, I am so impressed with your clarity and strength. Sounds like DH likes to be in control of every situation and is now trying to control his return.
Whatever his reason, I think it's good that you now start a fresh chapter without him. He does not sound like he values you as a person at all, in all of his behaviour and also in encouraging your daughter to speak to you / treat you with less respect than you deserve too. She will realise one day...

Hold onto your strength and try to ignore his tactics OP! You deserve happiness.

Your kids should not be accessing your bank account. If they are desperate then they can ask you, not just help themselves. They have all really done such a number on you, they have eroded all of your boundaries.
hopefully you have changed all of your passwords now so no one can access anything.

I don't understand why it is good for OP to be out when he arrives today, and stay out for a couple of days?
I think I would prefer to be home, demand an explanation and tell him that this was no way to be treated and it wss appalling (I would also be preparing the divorce but wouldn't let him know for now... but this is just me)
Isn't she going out for 2 days just delaying the conversation and giving him ammunition for gaslighting her and the DD, about how "crazy" she is and how she overreacted by "abandoning" the house for 2 days?
When she goes back, things would have cooled down and any hard conversation to hVe with him would be treated with even more sense of entitlement as "water under the bridge", "why are you bring this up" "it's been so good these last days, here you come to ruin it again"...

I’m afraid your dd really needs to be pushed gently out the nest. She has involved herself in your marriage, she sounds incredibly immature and frankly you both have done her a disservice by babying her.
whatever happens next, this needs to change. It doesn’t stop your loving her but parenting is about often the tough decisions. Sadly I’m guessing when you do address this her reaction will be to double down and say what a horrible cruel mother you are and live with her father. That is also manipulation and control, you need to prepare for it!

I'm trying to put myself in your shoes op, what would I do if I were you?
I think I would do this ...

1. Change passwords/pins on everything
2. Tell DH I'm done, that there will be no arguments, divorce is happening.
3. Find myself a rental property
4. Give notice on rental property and advise DD and DH of end date
5. Serve divorce papers
6. Sit down with Dd and tell her how hurtful her behaviour has been and tell her the days of treating her like a child,d are over, she's to stand on her own two feet.
7. Stop doing any shopping/cleaning/cooking etc etc.
8. Syphon off money, including buying new wardrobe for new life
9. Temporarily you come out of pension (no point building it up to share)

10. Tell all daughters there will be no more money for now, until finances sorted out.

See think they are expecting this, so pull the rug and go missing for a few days , they will definitely be expecting op to be home, little taste of their own medicine, just me tho, husband will be fulming op not at home 😉

It makes me sad looking at your username that you’ve chosen…..I think this is how you feel in your own home.
Keep strong OP. Knowing that H will gaslight you and victimise himself will help.
Do not let his behaviour make you question yourself…..

OP I don't know what your plan is and apologies if you know this already but your H has set a boundary, i.e no arguments so do to set your own. Whether that is stop bullying you with DD or mediation know what you want from the initial conversation and don't budge from it. That way you cannot reasonably be accused of being hysterical.

It may not be your style however you've shown us all how strong and resilient you are, you have every right to set boundaries for the future with or without H.

I wish you all the very best for today, whatever you choose to do.

You have FAR bigger problems than this trip to France:

He gambles and has lost loads of money

You bailed him out, to your own disadvantage

He flirts with other women

You don't do anything together as a couple

He's financially abusive - who the FUCK gets to live on £400 spends a month?

He makes all the decisions and you just do what you're told (such as you're only getting £400 and you just accept that)

You pay for everything

He's secretive and hiding things from you

And I bet there's more. I bet you do most of the housework too, most of the cooking, shopping, cleaning etc

I mean, the trip to France might be the straw that broke the camels back, but fucking hell, all the rest of it is grim. You've been with him 34 years, iirc? Okay, sunk costs fallacy may be at play here, but honestly, having left a long marriage myself (20 years), I would get away from him and start over. You deserve so much more than this. And fwiw, I don't think for one second his trip to France was to chill out for a few days. There will be a reason it was France, and you'll never know what it was, because he's an absolute bell end who takes you for a fool. He's been secretly planning this trip, and you had no idea. Two separate lives really. What's the point of him?

I would get your finances in order, get your Solicitor to draw up a separation agreement laying out all the finances. A few things to think about : if his pension is bigger than yours, you can be financially compensated for that. If your career took a back seat to his, for raising children, you can be financially compensated for that too. I'd take him to the cleaners. How DARE he treat you like this!

@JustMissNobody

Of course your H doesn’t want to walk back into an argument, these types of men want to do whatever they like without someone querying their actions or expressing any kind of emotion about it. 🙄

I would tell him in no uncertain terms you are not arguing with him, you are telling him his actions really hurt you. Tell him this holiday came out of the blue for you and you’re hurt he didn’t discuss it or ask if you wanted to come. AND the fact after 34 years of no proper holidays he suddenly decided to take one now has hurt you.Tell him you have been worried sick about what’s going on with him.

He needs to know how much hurt and worry he’s caused you. Don’t let him off the hook or gaslight you into thinking you’re being unhinged - hundreds of comments on here show the majority think he’s in the wrong.

Hold your head high and don’t let him or your DD emotionally blackmail you.

I've been following your threads OP and am impressed by the way you're dealing with this very unhappy and stressful situation. I can imagine as the layers are peeled back and you see more and more of the way your H has been acting in bad faith, your daughter has been affected by the weird dynamic, and your own generosity and kindness have been warped into a loss of boundaries and personal sense of self, that it will be very upsetting and challenging - but hopefully all of your future relationships and quality of life will benefit from going through this.

One thing I would gently question is the spa plan. Not that you don't deserve a break and a treat. But it feels a bit tit for tat, going down to your H's level - and will you really relax and enjoy it?

The thing you've got going for you is your ability to behave with integrity and self control - I would be tempted to carry on doing that, sort out your future living and financial arrangements, and save a spa break as a celebration.

Wouldn’t mumsnet be setting notifications re this thread if they have access to your email they will see ?

Sending *

I just wanted to add, that my first H was a sleazy flirt. I would go mad at him, but didn't leave. The ONLY time he appeared to sit up and take notice, was when I told him I was done, and I was leaving. Anything else, just shows that you're accepting or overlooking bad behaviour. If you keep letting him treat you like shit, that's all he will ever do. Please make a stand this time.

I'm with previous poster here OP, your DH has given an order that he wants no arguments and it's a way of him saying nothing further will be discussed from him.

I'd have honestly just sent one message back saying
"fine with me it's best then that you avoid returning to the house, this will go some way for you to not have to listen to me asking you those questions you dont want to hear."

@JustMissNobody OP I think what people are trying to say is they can see your Dd can’t be trusted. You can’t yet!

Also they are spoilt and that’s why you get treated the way you do . Maybe time to stop it and let them grow up.
The more you give the more they take and treat you like crap

Reset all your bank stuff a say no more money.
From now ok the answer is “ask your dad” say nothing else just ask your dad . Let’s see how long they think dad is great for then when he says no all the time

As pp said I’d be looking for a rental just for you

The only fear he will have about OP leaving is that he will lose his domestic servant. That's all she is in his eyes, and sadly it sounds like one of the DD's has the same attitude.