To be suspicious of DH .. CONT..

[JustMissNobody]

Hi all,
thank you for your replies, hints and tips. I’ve read them all and made notes. I’m doing ok at the moment, a bit anxious about solicitors app shortly. Had loads of work to catch up today, my heads been a bit foggy and not been able to focus fully.
managed to actually get a good nights sleep last night. Got in bed with a glass of wine and started reading your replies and just woke up this morning with my phone next to me. I don’t know what I’ve been running on but whatever it was must have run out last night!
To answer a few ppl we have 3 DD. 1 completely on dads side, 1 on the fence but thinks I’m acting a bit crazy and need to wait till dh is home to talk and if there is OW then agrees its over, 1 totally thinks he’s been an absolute arsehole and his actions are completely indefensible.
I’ve made a list of questions as suggested here and got all my paperwork together.
ive also found out that his family have been concerned about changes in his character for a while and suspicious of his behaviour and been asking him if he’s ok but he’s just been snappy with them and been avoiding them.
so maybe MH related or aware that his actions will disappoint his family breaking up a marriage of all these years for OW?

Hope you've changed all those passwords now.
Can you leave early for the spa? Can you book into an AirB&B or extend at the hotel for a few more days? No need to tell either of them what you're up to, leave them hanging. I reckon after a few days of just the two of them with you not being there to bully, they'll turn on each other like rats in a sack.
Go no contact with any of them, aside maybe from the supportive daughter, and only tell her that you've decided you need a break too.
If you need to work then find a place near there to stay for a bit, and treat yourself to a peaceful pampering every night you're away.
If you can take a break, then why not just find a last minute holiday of the kind you've wanted for years, why shouldn't you? He did, and he's insolvent, you're not, you should treat yourself, it's what money is for

As a parent of adult DC who I love with my life and are very close to, you have poor boundaries.

I am aghast that they have your passwords!!

They do not need access. And you are setting yourself up for serious trouble.

He sounds awful. Entitled and an inconsiderate arse. I could write a list of swear words actually.

You will be better off without him. I can’t believe he has done this to you.

Change your passwords like others have said. It doesn’t matter what he says now the way he has treated you has shown you who he is.

Now you show him who you are.

Brave. Strong. Resilient.

We’ve got your back OP.

OP, before you leave for the spa today, I would really consider going through the other bits you found in the car but didn’t want to move. As others have said, the more information you have before a divorce, the better. If you’re worried about not putting things back correctly, take photos of how he’s arranged things before you move anything; alternatively, just do your best to put things back correctly but f it if he notices things aren’t where they’re supposed to be - what’s he going to do about it (particularly if you deny going in the car)?

i really do think it’s important to see the depth and breadth of any potential problems he might have so you know exactly how to fight if you proceed with the divorce. We’re all talking about him being in financial difficulties but what if he’s actually sat on a few grand in cash/assets that he subsequently tries to hide from you? You’ve done so much for him over the years - you deserve your share now!

Have a lovely time at the spa, OP - you deserve it!

I really hope you're doing ok OP? You have been incredible with your response to your husband's behaviour, and walking with dignity. I imagine being told your boundaries aren't good with your children is another thing altogether, but please do listen. This sounds like years of being treated poorly and you sound quite isolated in real life, so things that seem normal and signs of love are honestly not healthy. I saw you say that you share everything and do everything for your DDs because you love them, but keeping personal boundaries is NOT a sign of lack of love. They will know you're there for them but you absolutely need your own finances, email privacy and more. If you can talk to your GP or afford a private therapist, please explore how to get support. The freedom programme recommended before would be a good start. You sound like an awesome woman, mum and granny, good luck!

How much longer is left on the tenancy, and how much notice would you have to give?
I'd seriously consider doing this right away. No need to tell 'D'H&S till you feel like it, it's liable to be a few weeks

@Harvesthome I'd be happy to do DD's laundry and cooking if she had been away fighting on the front line in some far away land, not if she had been away at university.

I wondered if it was the DH or DD 🤨

@EdithBond me too!

I thought it might be DD. This thread is very easily identifiable to them - they don’t need her username if they keep an eye on mumsnet they’ll have seen it.

OP, get a Power of Attorney sorted for yourself - if there’s emergency the person with power of attorney can access your bank accounts. There’s simply no need for them to have your passwords etc. I’m not much older than your youngest DD, my parents have always been very generous but there’s no way they’d just give me access to their accounts. It’s a recipe for disaster.

How does one get a Power of Attorney for oneself? Surely by definition we all have POA over our own affairs unless we lose capacity.

You go to a solicitor and set one up

Re: the photos you took in the car - do you have shared photo accounts anywhere? My Google photos has all my family's pics from their devices, and I know that Apple devices can do the same. Just wondering if it's possible he saw the pics when they were backed up.

As in you grant someone else power of attorney, triggered in certain situations, so they can make decisions for you. The original post might have been badly worded sorry.

OP you are doing so well, keep going.

If you haven't already considered it, I would think about getting anything of value to you out of the house.

I left my ex with the clothes on my back, and my handbag, but I'd gradually taken important paperwork, jewellery, sentimental bits and pieces, etc to work and locked them in my cupboard.

You never know how petty and spiteful people can be, so if it's important to you, get it out of your house.

Also, please please change your passwords, PIN numbers, memorable words, email address so that you (and only you) are able to access your online presence.

prior to this, your relationship with her has been generally quite difficult?

sorry if i missed

but all three daughters ranging from 27 upwards all live still with parents?

I always run down the contents of my fridge before I go away. I hope yours is fairly empty! Let them provide for themselves.
Re: your unpleasant daughter. You may love her deeply but you do not have to like her! I hope you have already stopped the cooking and skivvyng for her. If not, your break away provides a natural re-set opportunity when you get back.
In your shoes, as a renter, I would be very obviously checking out one-bedroomed flats for the immediate future when your tenancy is up.Put the wind up them even if your choice is to stay where you are by yourself!
Wishing you a very restorative break to gird you for what comes next.🍷🍮

This is so sad to read, even without the Husband who just randomly went off on a holiday after deeming it not important enough to take time to have a holiday with you in 30 odd years.

But the fact you are basically used by Husband and Daughter, you do everything for everyone whilst being treated awfully and dont see it as a problem and have been stuck in this for so so long.

He contributes minimally whilst his own life is full of secrets, yours is an open book. Your adult Daughter sounds like a horror and again has got away with acting hideously towards you for years all whilst living on your money and with you waiting on her and doing everything for her.

I really hope these threads have opened your eyes a little that this is not normal or right and I hope you get out of this situation because no one should waste their lives being treated so badly. Even without the actions of the last week, this situation is just sad.

@KievLoverTwo thats outstanding information on personal security I’ll be using that myself. Thanks for posting.

OP, get a Power of Attorney sorted for yourself

huh? @Nottodaythankyou123

Only the 27 year old

Power of Attorney is granted to a trusted person, or it could be a solicitor. I can't see why it would be necessary to do that, just to control access to online accounts. Sledgehammer to crack a nut.

Set strong passwords, lockdown your access for the foreseeable future until you've completed the divorce then decide where to go from there. Make sure you have a current will in place, to ensure in the event of your demise, your estate is passed to whomever you want. The divorce process is there to ensure your financial settlement on divorce is fair and reasonable, according to the legal guidelines. You don't have school age children so the divorce is not complicated by wrangling over childcare / access rights.

Power of Attorney is granted to a trusted person, or it could be a solicitor. I can't see why it would be necessary to do that, just to control access to online accounts. Sledgehammer to crack a nut.

Because people on this thread are hysterical!