To be suspicious of DH .. CONT..

[JustMissNobody]

Hi all,
thank you for your replies, hints and tips. I’ve read them all and made notes. I’m doing ok at the moment, a bit anxious about solicitors app shortly. Had loads of work to catch up today, my heads been a bit foggy and not been able to focus fully.
managed to actually get a good nights sleep last night. Got in bed with a glass of wine and started reading your replies and just woke up this morning with my phone next to me. I don’t know what I’ve been running on but whatever it was must have run out last night!
To answer a few ppl we have 3 DD. 1 completely on dads side, 1 on the fence but thinks I’m acting a bit crazy and need to wait till dh is home to talk and if there is OW then agrees its over, 1 totally thinks he’s been an absolute arsehole and his actions are completely indefensible.
I’ve made a list of questions as suggested here and got all my paperwork together.
ive also found out that his family have been concerned about changes in his character for a while and suspicious of his behaviour and been asking him if he’s ok but he’s just been snappy with them and been avoiding them.
so maybe MH related or aware that his actions will disappoint his family breaking up a marriage of all these years for OW?

It can’t be changed on the same thread - OP would need to change her username and start a different thread.

@JustMissNobody Wow just wow I have nothing but admiration for you. You have handled this impeccably. The ball is in your court, you are the one who is completely in control. As everyone has said change all your passwords I would do that as a matter of urgency. You are on your own ( well not strictly true you have several hundred of us behind you) and you are calmly dealing with what can only be described as a very traumatic experience. You have learned very quickly how life can change at the drop of a hat and you’re in there battling away. For me there is no reason to get into it with the feeble pathetic bozo you used to call a husband. He is expecting that but the way you have carried yourself thus far don’t lower your standards. Maintain that dignity. As for the so called darling daughter she needs to be paying rent or she should be made to sling her hook. Winding you up and playing pathetic mind games is disrespectful and downright cruel something else you really don’t deserve. Focus on yourself, you are the one who is important. You have been doing masses of deep thinking and you will have made your mind up about what your future holds. Stay strong you are going to have your weak moments, have a good cry but do it privately. In those weak moments you are going to feel extremely angry, control that anger you are an incredible woman who deserves so much more and it’s out there for the taking. I should add I’m a man and I seriously mean every single word Ive said. BE STRONG.

Will be interesting to see how DD’s tune changes when she’s doing dad’s fucking laundry at his house.

…

I’m glad you are changing your passwords asap. I agree your problem dd will find life with dad completely different once mum isn’t there facilitating.

There is so much wrong with this post, I don't know where to start!!!!

Speak for yourself, when my children are home from uni we take it turns to cook for each other and they do their own laundry. Why should a woman be expected to be a skivvy for another grown up? That is not love that is teaching your children to have no respect for you and to feel entitled to have people (a woman) wait on them.
Op's daughter is giving me rage, she's a grown up and is responsible for her own behaviour

Regarding passwords. As well as changing them, please make sure none are automatically saved on your devices in browsers: chrome, safari. When you go to “clear cookies” it will give you the option to clear everything, do that.

Start doing your internet browsing in an incognito tab and change all of your devices to set to automatically lock after the shortest possible time of use.

Think of one, long, complicated password you will always remember, eg, somewhere you always wanted to travel to, but never told the OH about, the date your mother died, then the name of your best mate at school’s dog. Put in capitals and question mark in odd places:

Montenegro?2006scruffY

Then get Bitwarden, and use the generate password function to generate and save long, complicated passwords for each important account. That way if your OH gets desperate enough to run password hacking software on your computer, it will take weeks for it to break them, and you would need to not be there.

I saw someone give a list of places to change passwords, I would like to add: your local council and HMRC to that list.

Is he authorised to speak on your behalf to anyone, e.gm utility companies? Get him off.

Personally I would set up a brand new email account to deal with all divorce issues. Then when you are done you can just abandon it when necessary, and you don’t have to come across shitty emails when searching for old emails from friends, etc.

If you have finger print passwords on any devices, remove them. I believe they can be “hacked” with sellotape. Or maybe I just watch too many spy films.

Got any important paperwork you can’t afford to lose if he decides he wants to make your life hard? Scan it NOW, and upload it to the cloud (we use PCloud). Or just take it into your office if he’s never likely to gain access to it.

In the event that you still get important paperwork posted to you, contact them immediately and ask to go paperless (payslips, credit cards etc).

Oh and start using DuckDuckGo instead of google: they do not track you like google do and you won’t suddenly get adverts for Monte Carlo gambling and divorce lawyers pop up in your Facebook newsfeed when he happens to be standing next to you.

Lock down your FB so absolutely nobody can see your friends list. Then add him as someone blocked from seeing your newsfeed.

I am proud of you OP!

I agree, I just miss my own very independent-minded DD age 26 who had done her fair share of cooking and laundry before she was 18 and went to uni.

OP’s daughter will soon appreciate how easy her life has been when OP moves out and leaves her daughter to live with her favoured parent, currently her father.

i was married with a baby by 26 and no one has done my laundry since I left home at 18. It’s about time for OP’s daughter to clean up after herself, or not - let her live in a mess, not OPs responsibility now.

Op, I love my son more than life itself, but I would NEVER give him that sort of access to my personal and financial life. Not because I don’t trust him, but because he has to be responsible for himself. I want him to love AND respect me, I want to be treated like a human being with feelings and I want him to do his fair share. And whilst he can sometimes be a lazy, sullen 19 year old, he’s also a really good boy, and I’m proud of him.

I’m not saying your girls are bad, they sound (for the most part) lovely, but sharing your personal information and passwords with them like this, could make them treat you more like a cash cow than a respected mum. Not out of malice, but habit.

As for your husband…what an absolute prick to be honest. You deserve a lot better than how you’ve been treated. And now he’s had his holiday he’s priming you, trying to avoid the discussion when he gets home. What a coward. I feel incredibly angry on your behalf.

I really hope you send him packing and book yourself a lovely holiday abroad to celebrate!

So invested in this. Thanks OP for sticking with us! Incredible that if he hadn't done this, you might never have left.

@JustMissNobody

I dont normally post, but just wanted to say, well done for keeping calm and not crumbling at this point. What he's done is despicable and now he clearly thinks he can come back and gaslight you into brushing it all under the carpet.

Keep strong and don't let him or your daughter/s manipulate you into giving him any more chances, you need to look out for yourself now and forget him. It doesn't sound like he's ever really been any great help to you in life, you will be better off without him for sure, especially given how much debt he's potentially in that you know nothing of. What a selfish man.

Please do as everyone else has said and change the passwords to everything and your online bank details.... its so important. Also change the secondary email address and memorable details on your email accounts if you can - you don't what him doing a 'forgot your password' to try to get back into your email and lock you out. Gather up all items of importance to you inc passport, other important docs and sentimental items and put them somewhere he won't find them (just in case he tries to take them / destroy them in spite).

Good luck! Please keep us updated, we're all invested now.

Also, one thing I wondered.... Will he be able to see notification emails from mumsnet relating to your post.... if he has access to your email?

OP’s children are her world, we all understand this, and the reality is that her relationships with her children and grandchildren are going to be most important in her future than her. current husband.

This week she hasn’t known it’s New York or New Year because she’s been bailing her husband out financially for years and enabling him, to keep the peace. He’s only been away for four nights, during which she’s realised he’s in serious financial trouble again because he’s taken out new credit cards and there is evidence he’s behind on repayments. He’s not paid his share of household expenses and he has added to his debts by disappearing for a few days.

He doesn’t want to come home to an argument and that’s OK because the OP has had professional legal advice, so there’s no need for an argument. Her solicitor and his solicitor can deal with the argument. Her findings from his hiding place - the car - are a good start to divorcing him for financial abuse and unreasonable behaviour. More will be released during divorce proceedings when both parties have to show their finances transparently. It might be best if the OP gives notice on the rental and starts a new life, but it’s been less than a week for her to process all this new information.

This in spades

I meant the passwords and all the details H and the Ds have. No point changing a name they don't know!

That text wasn't even an apology, was it? Not even an attempt at a really shit apology. He acknowledges he did wrong and if you put in any repercussions, then you are going to be the bad guy.
I would leave him on read and not respond. Normally, not every time but certainly a lot of the time, the flight goes out and then brings back. So if he left at 6am, you are probably looking at an early afternoon return. I would perhaps leave for the spa hotel earlier than planned, take a book and have a relaxing lunch and a glass of wine somewhere before you check in.

Please do not be there when he arrives home, guessing daughter will turn up at sane time, sit and chat with him about his lovely time away, while your cooking tea and doing his washing, op Please treat yourself to a couple of days in a nice hotel, spar, wine, Netflix a good book, chocolates, go before they arrive home, tell you what we can join you, wouldn't that be great, sod them , tell them nothing, 😀

If you’re booked in today, you should be able to check in around 2pm. Maybe pack this morning and head out early, having a bit of a shop and a lunch on the way and hopefully avoiding H’s return. You could call the hotel and ask if you can get an early check in. Even if you’re working today, just go work from the hotel.

Hope you’ve changed the banking password now - if your youngest DD has it you can be sure her father has it. And take any critical documentation with you. Have a wonderful mini break! You really deserve this 💐

Sounds like a toxic environment at home with DD taking sides - does she have a DP? I wonder what she would do if they treated her like your DH has treated you?
Financially abused for years - £100 per week is a fucking insult. What a cock he is.
Gambling issues
Credit cards being taken out
Not being allowed in his car.
No holidays at all then he fucks off to France by himself

There are so many red flags here. I really hope you get transparency on all of this. If you get divorced, you need to go for the tens of thousands of £££££ he owes you for essentially giving you pocket money over the decades

Check airport arrivals today, who told you he was returning Friday? Now it's Thursday, and guessing it may never have been France anyway, keeping you in the dark, just go this morning have a lovely day out lunch shopping sod them both

I just checked in again this am to see what progress - I know I’m behind the pace now but WELL DONE @JustMissNobody for finally braving The Car. Good going: keep it up!

Did you reply to txt? Leave note asking for moneys owning to be transferred into account, 3 weeks worth this week, not else, have a wonderful few days knowing you have the upper hand here 😀

@KievLoverTwo thanks! I learned a lot from that advice.

@JustMissNobody just reading through y’days posts and in big agreement with the majority here re finances & DH and DD’s sense of entitlement. Sounds like a toxic brew that’s been stewing for a long time: what you’re coming to terms with is so tough. He’s entirely in the wrong so please remember that when he comes home and starts gaslighting you for all he’s worth (which sounds like not much). Wishing you all strength