To be suspicious of DH .. CONT..

[JustMissNobody]

Hi all,
thank you for your replies, hints and tips. I’ve read them all and made notes. I’m doing ok at the moment, a bit anxious about solicitors app shortly. Had loads of work to catch up today, my heads been a bit foggy and not been able to focus fully.
managed to actually get a good nights sleep last night. Got in bed with a glass of wine and started reading your replies and just woke up this morning with my phone next to me. I don’t know what I’ve been running on but whatever it was must have run out last night!
To answer a few ppl we have 3 DD. 1 completely on dads side, 1 on the fence but thinks I’m acting a bit crazy and need to wait till dh is home to talk and if there is OW then agrees its over, 1 totally thinks he’s been an absolute arsehole and his actions are completely indefensible.
I’ve made a list of questions as suggested here and got all my paperwork together.
ive also found out that his family have been concerned about changes in his character for a while and suspicious of his behaviour and been asking him if he’s ok but he’s just been snappy with them and been avoiding them.
so maybe MH related or aware that his actions will disappoint his family breaking up a marriage of all these years for OW?

Blimey OP, toughen up!!!! I feel stressed reading this.

Sorry to clarity h knows passwords etc to my phone, laptop, email accounts, anything that I use the same passwords for. He doesn’t know my banking info.
i will however start changing all that tonight.
i did turn off door camera and alerts so wasn’t caught on camera. So unless he has a secret camera in his car I don’t think he knows.
someone asked when he got prepayment travel card, that was picked up and loaded on the 17th. I googled to check if you had to preorder but you don’t, then I found a receipt for the pre loaded amount on it and date.
i don’t think he knows I’ve seen a solicitor. I’ve not spoken to dd about anything regarding the situation since he went.

Of course they are your world, but right now you are setting yourself up to be betrayed by dd.

whether she does it deliberately or thru a misguided love for her dad - doesn't matter.

right now, and until further notice, you need to put yourself first and protect yourself !!!

OP - Go systemically with the changes.
Consider everything you would have to update with a new phone.

• Email
• Bank
• Premium Bonds?
• Lottery
• Amazon
• Shopping sites e.g. Next, Argos, Very, Boots etc.
• Insurance companies

Also what about your laptop, is that due a password update (and I can't really talk as I just change the number on my work one).

Even if you think it's not worth it, people can be devious around money. If they think they could buy something and sell it, especially if they aren't paying for it in the first place.

With insurance companies, you don't want anything changed without you knowing.

I am sure in my phone, when I put things like a pop up for if my credit card was used, I could limit it to one phone. Might be worth seeing if that is possible, just in case the password change on its own doesn't stop them seeing what you have paid for.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this but hopefully tomorrow you can relax at the spa!

Sorry to clarity h knows passwords etc to my phone, laptop, email accounts, anything that I use the same passwords for. He doesn’t know my banking info.
i will however start changing all that tonight.

But DD does ? Think of her as a flying monkey, she probably isn't aware of the damage she is doing on his behalf, she is just trying to keep on side. She does know your banking details which is why you need to change them, to protect you and her in the long run, especially as he is as tight as a gnats chuff when it comes to his children !
Also how did you arrange to see the Solicitor ? phone or email ?

@JustMissNobody he doesn’t want to walk back into an argument when he gets back. So when do you make your appointment to have this argument which is well overdue??? also, with everyone else, get all your passwords changed for everything! email, phone , social media, all bank accounts etc etc/ At this time, no one needs them apart from you! and take half the money from any joint account you may have!! make sure you are out of the house early so you dont meet him in the hallway! dont want you throwing the nearest flower vase at him, even though he deserves it!! please come back and let us know you are alright in a few days/

By phone

So he could have asked DD to check your phone ? Unusual numbers are easy enough to google.

So I assume you have a different email account connected to Mumsnet? Or do you not get notifications? Otherwise he can see your username from your email.

Please don't use the same password for multiple accounts (you implied you did) and make sure your passwords are but saved on your laptop for extra security.

Your Dd (living at home) sounds majorly disrespectful. I'd be sitting her down for a serious chat and asking her why she thinks it's ok to treat you like she does. She is disrespectful, rude and hurtful. I'd let her know that, from now on, she is expected to behave like an adult which includes pulling her weight around the house - cooking and cleaning, and doing a larger percentage of those as she's living there for free.

She's in her late 20s, not a teenager, and should know how to interact with people respectfully. If she can't be respectful, she can go.

You need to prioritise this - change everything. Your daughter is an adult and needs to learn to rely on herself in an emergency - this won’t happen with freedom of access to your accounts. Your husband seems to be in financial trouble he has tried to conceal, but that’s not your responsibility now you have evidence of the secret credit card applications. Safeguard your personal finances now and deal with the family dynamics later.

If your DDs and H know that you're on here, they don't need to know your username or password, they can just follow the thread as it's on the 'trending' list.

OP, echoing pp, please change all passwords immediately!! Not later, now! Your daughter is on her father’s side. Are you sure she won’t go into your phone and delete all the pictures you have taken whilst in his car? You need to wake up!

It's fine to share passwords but goes both ways. My DH and I share money, take money from one joint account. Both have access to it, both sensible with it. Same with CC, savings etc. But that's not the same in your case. They are taking advantage.

This!

She’s not been near my phone, I’ve been careful

I have NC for this. I used to tell my mum off for always using the same passwords haha and now I’m doing it, I do have a few different ones but they are shared on some things.

It’s not like dd hasn’t been away from home, she was away at uni. She did however still want picking up with her laundry and came home as often as she could ‘for the home comforts’.i know I’ve been a real soft touch with her, dad too.

I'd be changing that right now.

Of course. He has his phone and his iPad and access to the OP’s account details. He can see the payment to the solicitor. From now on he and DD won’t be able to see any transactions because the OP will have changed all her passwords.

OP for the love of god, change your passwords. Take control of your life.

Hey OP, it’s so impressive how you’re dealing with this.

Well done for checking the car. Sounded nerve-wracking! Don’t feel you’ve done anything wrong. Given you’re his wife and share a home and your finances with him, it’s hardly an unreasonable thing to do. And it appears he’s been emotionally/financially abusing you for years.

Don’t give him the satisfaction of the expected argument. Remain calm and aloof. Let him explain himself, then say you want to think about what he’s said and remove yourself.

Reading your threads, it seems your DD’s equally disdainful and disrespectful behaviour is likely learnt behaviour from her father. Did it get worse when the other DDs moved out and the three of you were left? With her increasingly ‘siding’ and joining in with your DH?

No doubt, her behaviour towards you is appalling. Especially while living rent free and being looked after like a child in your own home. But try not to think too badly of her. The blame lies solely with your DH for setting her such a poor example in how to treat/disrespect you, and encouraging her to be his ‘ally’.

His behaviour is likely so normal to her that she’s at risk of similarly unhealthy relationships, including choosing a partner who treats her badly. Because she’s witnessed that happening to you as her female role model.

By remaining calm, while making it clear you won’t tolerate any more disrespect, you’ll start to undo the damage. It’s the best way to teach her women shouldn’t be (and shouldn’t tolerate being) treated like that. Show her lots of love and there’s far more chance when you divorce (as it seems you must) she’ll become closer to you and you can both heal together.

But for now set boundaries (don’t be her slave) and don’t trust her. Change your passwords immediately and don’t leave anything in the house while you’re at the spa that your DH could use in a divorce. It’s still possible there’s an OW and there appear to be debts (credit cards).

I strongly suggest you read about emotional abuse and seek some counselling via a local domestic abuse agency to help you process everything. I still struggle to admit that’s what I experienced. But being told that’s what it was, along with the support/counselling I received, certainly made me realise the behaviour was unacceptable and I should expect better. So I left.

Your husband thinks he can walk back in and all will be normal. After treating you this way, I hope you tell him where to go. Did you reply?

£100 per week contribution and he didn’t invite you on holiday! not to mention a possible debt issue based on the docs in the car.

there’s no excuse for treating someone like this. MH, debt, gambling or otherwise.

stay strong op! You’re far better off without him.

I think any mother would be glad to do her daughter’s laundry and cook for her when she was home from uni. Having full access to your financial transactions is a separate matter altogether. Your daughter needs to know that you love her but she is an adult and needs to make her own plans. Your husband needs to know you aren’t financing anyone but yourself, starting today.

They can login from different devices. You are being horribly naive.
I got back in touch with my best friend after a long stint of not seeing her, mainly due to me suspecting her husband was an abusive prat , so I was sidelined.
Anyway, after reestablishing contact, her husband was being so very , very nice, driving her and I to and the pub and anywhere we wanted to go. Being super personable, encouraging us to hang out etc. My friend eventually confided that she was scared of him and we began plotting how she could leave him. Turns out he had been reading our every text, Facebook message, email, everything. He was into her everything and she didnt realise the extent of how surveiled she was.
Never be so naive as to let anyone have any of your passwords to anything.