To be suspicious of DH .. CONT..

[JustMissNobody]

Hi all,
thank you for your replies, hints and tips. I’ve read them all and made notes. I’m doing ok at the moment, a bit anxious about solicitors app shortly. Had loads of work to catch up today, my heads been a bit foggy and not been able to focus fully.
managed to actually get a good nights sleep last night. Got in bed with a glass of wine and started reading your replies and just woke up this morning with my phone next to me. I don’t know what I’ve been running on but whatever it was must have run out last night!
To answer a few ppl we have 3 DD. 1 completely on dads side, 1 on the fence but thinks I’m acting a bit crazy and need to wait till dh is home to talk and if there is OW then agrees its over, 1 totally thinks he’s been an absolute arsehole and his actions are completely indefensible.
I’ve made a list of questions as suggested here and got all my paperwork together.
ive also found out that his family have been concerned about changes in his character for a while and suspicious of his behaviour and been asking him if he’s ok but he’s just been snappy with them and been avoiding them.
so maybe MH related or aware that his actions will disappoint his family breaking up a marriage of all these years for OW?

Is he even coming back early ir is it another of his games to keep you guessing

He knows you’ve seen a solicitor as does she. No doubt they know everything on here as well if you’ve had notifications on. This would explain him coming home early and her being so horrible tonight. She’s been called out for her appalling abuse of you too. I would bet on it - as would he by the sounds of it. You need to change everything now.

@DymaxionI can imagine her saying 'she seems really calm' , 'not that bothered' and he is wondering WTF ? I think you might have unnerved him into returning early !

I don't think it's as complicated as that, @JustMissNobody only had daughter's word of when he was coming back in the first place. The text message tonight was the first husband had contacted OP. It's possible he was always coming home tomorrow and whatever twisted game daughter seems to also be playing had her say it was Friday instead.

don’t respond to his text, change passwords as suggested here.And go to the spa 🖕

Could he have seen you on ring door bell app going out to his car? or at leaving the house at an unpredicted time which made him wonder what you’re up to? Or did your DD see and tell?

Well that's a bit daft op!

I understand that however they should not have access to your online banking. If your ever a victim of fraud it can cause all kind of issues if it comes to light different people had your logins. Also in this situation I would not want DH or youngest DD to be able to see your bank accounts. Please please please change the passwords

Did you reply to his text OP? Sorry if I've missed the post if you have

Remember the old saying about affixing your own breathing apparatus first. You can't save others unless you save yourself first.

If your feckless husband gets access to your money, there will nothing left for your girls.

Haha dad wouldn’t part with the steam off his piss, he’s always said go ask your mum.

Just stop discussing any of it with your daughter. It’s unhelpful and inappropriate.

If he knows your online banking log in...no doubt hes found out that youve paid a solicitor today and thats why the change of day hes coming back. And for him to mention about you starting an argument? Too effing right!. Hes a manipulator.
Arguments dont need to be had tbh...if you are quiet and say nothing he will wonder whats going off. Youve got your ducks in line. Let him sweat about your quietness.
And... change your passwords on your banking..emails...anything. Give the details of bank etc to the daughter you trust with instructions that its not to be shared, with anyone.

@JustMissNobody I love my children too, I just don't think it is sensible to give them my secure banking details when all it would take is a message or phone call and they could have what they need. Like you, two of mine are adults and I will always help, but you are putting yourself in a very difficult position if there is ever fraud on your account, when your entire family know the security details ! I think you would be on a sticky wicket making a claim ?

@JustMissNobody
If you haven't already changed your passwords please change them NOW

You sound like a good person. I'm sorry that's being thrown back in your face in several ways and from different people, who should appreciate you.

I haven’t discussed it with her, she volunteered information to me. I haven’t told her anything about what I’m doing or what’s going to happen when h returns. I’ve just said I’ve nothing more to say about the matter.

This!! 100% this!!

“Haha dad wouldn’t part with the steam off his piss, he’s always said go ask your mum.”

And this is why you need to put you first here! Protect your assets and your future, please. Your kindness and generosity must start with yourself first. Who’s going to look after you if (when?) things go pear shaped?

Love, like money in this situation, is something that you give, rather than be taken from you.

As other have said change this ASAP.

Do not cancel your Spa weekend you need it.

If it was me I would text him back and say you will not have an argument, but will be having a adult conversation about what he did, how he is hiding his income and assets from you where you have been open with yours. And the expectation that going forward the true cost of living expenses are and how much he will be paying going forward.

And as for your daughter I would find out how much a room in a shared house costs and that you expect her to pay that for rent in your house from the 1st October, and what housework, cooking she will be doing going forward on top of her looking after her space and washing. If she doesn't want too then she can have until end of October to find somewhere else to live.

You can chose to give her the money back when she leaves if you want too.

Although it is easy for me to say this when I'm not in your situation. But I do think you need to decide whether you are going to continue to live in house where no one respects you and you pay for everything for them, or if it has come to and end and you will be happier on your own in a smaller space just from you.

Haha dad wouldn’t part with the steam off his piss, he’s always said go ask your mum.

Ah ! shit Husband and shit Father, remind me again why you have stayed with this 'man' so long ?

This.

All it needs is for your husband to get the passwords from one of your daughters and that's it - all your money, all your daughters' security gone to pay off his debts.

If you won't think of yourself, think of your daughters. For their sake, at the moment, they can't have access to your information.

Very. I’m sorry but at this point Op you need to consider how you’ve made some very unwise decisions: as pp have said this isn’t recommended by banks and if there was fraud on your account it could be tricky making a claim. I’ve always been able to get money from family in emergencies without knowing their bank details. So unnecessary and OTT.

For people criticising the youngest daughter yeah her behaviour is very nasty but a pp said she’s the bigger issue and no, I don’t think she is more the problem than her father:

He is at the root of her bad behaviour and to some extent she’s a victim too because she’s been brought up in a household where a dysfunctional marriage has been normalised.

She didn’t just learn to be like this in the past 8 years as an adult. Awful abusive disrespectful behaviour from her Dad to her mum has been the norm all during her childhood.

That’s not to absolve her of all responsibility but there will probably be a mental block making it hard for her to open her eyes to how vile her Dad is and start to reframe her whole childhood.

As someone said she’s had to “monster” her mum to justify her beloved dads action. She needs to wise up and see the truth but it’s not always easy. He is the main problem.

Another one urging you to change your passwords. I don’t share mine with anyone, including my v v reliable DH and DC — and vice versa.

Does H have dash cam in his car? He could be viewing that remotely.

I love my children but there is no reason for them to have my PIN number. It’s time for you to put yourself first now.
Take care of yourself it can’t be easy.

Best way. Say nothing, just be cordial with daughter and superficial rather than be dragged into any drama with her nor get involved with discussions about dad and you. Its none of her business tbh. Theyll be relaying to each other anyway. If you say nothing..what can they say? Nothing that matters