To be suspicious of DH .. CONT..

[JustMissNobody]

Hi all,
thank you for your replies, hints and tips. I’ve read them all and made notes. I’m doing ok at the moment, a bit anxious about solicitors app shortly. Had loads of work to catch up today, my heads been a bit foggy and not been able to focus fully.
managed to actually get a good nights sleep last night. Got in bed with a glass of wine and started reading your replies and just woke up this morning with my phone next to me. I don’t know what I’ve been running on but whatever it was must have run out last night!
To answer a few ppl we have 3 DD. 1 completely on dads side, 1 on the fence but thinks I’m acting a bit crazy and need to wait till dh is home to talk and if there is OW then agrees its over, 1 totally thinks he’s been an absolute arsehole and his actions are completely indefensible.
I’ve made a list of questions as suggested here and got all my paperwork together.
ive also found out that his family have been concerned about changes in his character for a while and suspicious of his behaviour and been asking him if he’s ok but he’s just been snappy with them and been avoiding them.
so maybe MH related or aware that his actions will disappoint his family breaking up a marriage of all these years for OW?

From the behaviour of your daughter, I’d want her out more than I’d want rid of him!

You need to change this, if they need money in an emergency then they should call you. I would never allow anyone to know my online banking details

OP please please please say you've taken the advice and are changing everything right now, please. As many people have said, something is off, trust your gut. Good luck xx

You must change all your codes now. You are not allowed to know his so, what is sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. You can do it online before he arrives home, leaving all the new numbers on a hidden paper or with your solicitor with your will.

I wonder if your lack of rising to your daughters best efforts to goad you, have filtered back to your DH ? I can imagine her saying 'she seems really calm' , 'not that bothered' and he is wondering WTF ? I think you might have unnerved him into returning early !

Absolutely change all passwords etc before his return, if anyone asks which they won't will they, no known need to ?, its because of a security issue highlighted at work. Then go to the Spa.

I’m really sorry you are going through this OP. First thing first change your banking app details. Your daughter could have checked what you have booked and paid for especially the solicitor if you paid using your card. Maybe giving your H a heads up that you saw a solicitor. Hence the txt with the gaslighting and half arsed apology. Also he is heading back early big red flag. May I say you are entirely too soft on your daughter there is no way I would allow her behaviour towards you. Yes she is an adult at 26 but you are still her mother respect is a two way street. I’m worried about you being bullied by the both of them when your H returns. Go on your spa trip and forget about him for 24 hours, easier said than done I know.

Heck, this is frightening! I mean, obviously not if you were in a mutually respectful and considerate family - but we now know that isn't the case 😢

As others are saying,

change your PINs and passwords!

I am sorry but I think you need to change your passwords now, esp the banking ones !!!

if dd colludes with h, which sadly is possible, she may start withdrawing your money to give to him for whatever reason.

If you do go down the divorce route
and if you do give notice on your current rental

you cannot afford for dd to siphon off your money to enable h to pay rent somewhere else.

right now we have no idea why he chose only to pay £100 for his share of the bills
and we don't know why he chose not to even pay that for 2 weeks

if he is in financial difficulty, then he can't afford the rent where you all are now - if he thought about asking to take over the tenancy
he also can't afford rent elsewhere / pay a deposit etc.

if he is in financial difficulty. we don't know.

I am sorry your youngest ? dd has let / is letting you down.

one day you may have the difficult choice of deciding if you are able/willing to provide a roof over her head.

one day tho she will have her eyes opened re h.

Only one of them having that information will be sufficient in case of an emergency. You have one daughter you can trust with these right now. Two perhaps if your neutral daughter remains neutral.

All of those can be easily changed before tomorrow. Especially before you go for a spa so you can actually relax.

OMG change all your passwords and pins.

I think you need to change all of these as soon as possible. Secure your accounts with new passwords / memorable words etc. Protect your finances and stop your husband and daughter from potentially emptying your accounts.

@JustMissNobody

Please, please change your passwords. You can tell your DC that you were notified of a 'security breach' and advised to change them and not give them out to anybody. Your DC don't need them. If they need funds there are plenty of ways online to move money from you to them without the need for them to log in to your account.

As far as 'him', if you're sure you're done with him there's no need for an argument when he gets home. Why? Because why argue about something that no longer matters? Say nothing, keep your plans to yourself, let him think he's 'won', and carry on until you're ready to go.

If you aren't done with him, then there needs to be a serious discussion of what needs to be changed in your marriage. But be aware that it probably won't do a bit of good.

Well he won’t be walking back into an argument because you’ll be off having a lively time. DO NOT CANCEL IT.

what he has done is revolting and utterly disrespectful. I truly don’t understand why he has behaved in this way and why he thinks that your response would be anything other than angry.

please remember you are worth so much more than this.

and as for your DD, I’m almost of the mindset that she is worse than your husband. Disgusting behaviour and I hope she never has a partner that treats her badly and expects you to listen to the fall out.

I wouldn't give the password to even the trustworthy daughter, lest the others try to browbeat it out of her.

always have if they ever needed money in an emergency or if anything happened to me and they needed to access funds.

But they have a Dad too ? if anything happened to you or they needed access to funds, they could ask their Dad for help ? Couldn't they ?

Agree. Now he knows, that's why he is flying back.

Well change everything! They can always ask if they have a problem. But they clearly can't be trusted.

I'm also wondering if it’s a good idea to be out the house giving him and DD unmonitored access to your stuff. Sorry if that sounds melodramatic - not the intention. But you are navigating a tricky situation and while you are questioning motives etc it might be better to keep your “enemies” close???

Gosh...I'd spend some time tonight changing all your details, if you do decide that you're going to stay in the marrage you can always change them back again

Is it possible that your H checked your bank account and now knows you went to see a solicitor as he can see the payment made?

Please change your passwords asap OP! Do not trust your DD, make sure she has no access to anything that can give away what you are doing. She is definitely the 'spy' in the camp.

Exactly this. Hes got some cheek

Change everything, asap, before he gets back.

And tx money from the joint account into your personal account.

I have been married a similar amount of time, nobody knows my banking passwords, neither DH or my children, if they need money I send it to them.Quick and simple.

I can see I’ve stirred up a hornets nest here haha. I didn’t think it was abnormal, they’re my dd’s I love them more than life itself. Since I’ve been able to afford to they’ve had whatever they’ve needed if they’ve been unable to afford it themselves. I’ve always done whatever I can for them, I spoilt them with love and attention when I had no money and now I can add money to the mix when they need it. My GC get the same. They are my world.