To be suspicious of DH .. CONT..

[JustMissNobody]

Hi all,
thank you for your replies, hints and tips. I’ve read them all and made notes. I’m doing ok at the moment, a bit anxious about solicitors app shortly. Had loads of work to catch up today, my heads been a bit foggy and not been able to focus fully.
managed to actually get a good nights sleep last night. Got in bed with a glass of wine and started reading your replies and just woke up this morning with my phone next to me. I don’t know what I’ve been running on but whatever it was must have run out last night!
To answer a few ppl we have 3 DD. 1 completely on dads side, 1 on the fence but thinks I’m acting a bit crazy and need to wait till dh is home to talk and if there is OW then agrees its over, 1 totally thinks he’s been an absolute arsehole and his actions are completely indefensible.
I’ve made a list of questions as suggested here and got all my paperwork together.
ive also found out that his family have been concerned about changes in his character for a while and suspicious of his behaviour and been asking him if he’s ok but he’s just been snappy with them and been avoiding them.
so maybe MH related or aware that his actions will disappoint his family breaking up a marriage of all these years for OW?

And you're allowing that since you're paying the bills, maybe remind her who is paying the bills and allowing her to save for her own place and if she really doesn't like you as much as she's making out then maybe she should go and get her own place.

Imagine living for free as a grown woman and then behaving like that. Shame on her.

@Goodluckanddontfitup This hasn't been about an affair. It's been about 30 plus years of a husband treating his wife badly and a final straw of him swanning off alone on a holiday after years of refusing to go with his wife, without telling her anything.

Timely indeed. He’s admitted he was wrong but then shut down any attempt from her to discuss it. He knows he’s been a shit, knows he now has to face the music, but doesn’t really care about the impact on her, he is now just trying to avoid an uncomfortable conversation because he doesn’t want it. He’s manipulative.

THIS. Don’t be fooled OP. He is clearly a very good manipulator.

Well, at least you know he is coming and it won't just be that he walks through the front door when you are in the middle of work

I agree that it is man code, "I've had a lovely few days away and don't you dare question me".

However, the daughter needs to go. There is no legal requirement for you to allow her to live with you (that I'm aware of). She is a grown woman, with a job, so she can afford to get somewhere else to live.

I only hope she never has to go through what you have been dealing with for the last week, because she will not appreciate being treated in the same way she has treated you.

I hope you still do your few nights away. As your husband said before "it's nice when you're not there".

Whatever you decide is your choice. I doubt that either of them can change their behaviour in the long term as whilst I know, as a parent, the idea of not having a relationship with a child is almost impossible to think about, do whatever is right for you! Xx

Thank you, I think that’s what it’s for. The damn card reader! Why the hell didn’t I think of that. You’re amazing x

This. You’re expected to now brush it under the carpet and not ask questions. If you (reasonably) do, it’ll be your fault for “starting arguments”.

OP, change all of your passwords and pin codes on all of your devices and dnail accounts and social media. Log out across all devices. You know nothing about him, but guys like this read all of your everything. My friend went through this.

I better be a good wife and keep my mouth shut then 😕

I’m pretty sure OP said that he doesn’t have access to it, so it’s fine. She doesn’t need to hide it, as long as he can’t access it.

your daughter is 26, almost 27, lives at home while not contributing anything because she's saving for a place, and you still do everything for her? first of all, if i were you, i would stop doing anything for her and then hand her an eviction notice. the bloody cheek of it all

Deal with it in your way. But take control, don’t be bullied into what s not right for you any more.

This.

Had he actually apologised or is he just trying to force you into behaving in a way that’s convenient for him?

Your daughter needs to remember who pays for the roof above her head and the food on the table because it sure as hell isn’t her father. I think you’ll enjoy living without the pair of them in their little ‘be mean to mummy club’.

Didn't you book Thurs and Fri at the Spa ?
Did he say what time he was due home
and if you did book 2 nights away, when were you planing on leaving to get there ?

h and dc’s know all my passwords, PIN codes to everything. DC’s all have my online banking details of accounts etc. always have if they ever needed money in an emergency or if anything happened to me and they needed to access funds.
only secret I have is this user name on here.

As you pay the rent, you could say that you have to economize and downsize, so daughter will have to find her own place.

Well, you can change everything!

They are quite the pair of manipulators. I suspect as you get away from them you will find life so much better. His comment about not wanting an atmosphere is classic. ‘I can behave anyway I want and you need to be nice to me.’
Nasty piece of work.

Nope. The days of gritting your teeth and keeping quiet to,pacify him are over. He needs to have it spelt out to him in excruciating detail that the status quo is no longer acceptable. He's kept you in the dark about his finances and income and has treated you with such disgusting disrespect and bullies you alongside your ungrateful daughter. He needs to be made to squirm and needs it explained to him that his behaviour will be resulting in a divorce. I would be sitting him down and making it very clear what his future is going to look like. As for the daughter, it's time to make it clear that she can now make her own way in the world and stand on her own 2 feet because you're sick of being abused in your own home.

Yes, I’m booked on Thursday Eve, spa day Friday and overnight Friday. I’ve no idea what time he’s due back, he didn’t say.

I think he knows you have seen a lawyer.

Change all of these as a matter of urgency.

As an amateur psychologist (!) I suspect your daughter's been made to consider another viewpoint - perhaps by her sisters - and is struggling to re-establish her faith in her father's narrative. She's 'monstering' you, so as to prove to herself that you are indeed a foolish, dumb nobody deserving of nothing but contempt and ridicule.

She's so deep into this Take The Piss Out Of Mum game with her dad, she can't contemplate anything different. She's trying to reboot it and get you back in your 'place' before the sainted wanderer returns.

It's upsetting, but I have absolute faith in your ability now to go your own sweet way, disregarding the nonsense being acted out by these two.

DD3's flawed belief system may want some attention in due course, but the time is not now.

Please change your passwords and Pins OP. If nothing else, you need to secure your finances regardless of what happens next.