To be suspicious of DH .. CONT..

[JustMissNobody]

Hi all,
thank you for your replies, hints and tips. I’ve read them all and made notes. I’m doing ok at the moment, a bit anxious about solicitors app shortly. Had loads of work to catch up today, my heads been a bit foggy and not been able to focus fully.
managed to actually get a good nights sleep last night. Got in bed with a glass of wine and started reading your replies and just woke up this morning with my phone next to me. I don’t know what I’ve been running on but whatever it was must have run out last night!
To answer a few ppl we have 3 DD. 1 completely on dads side, 1 on the fence but thinks I’m acting a bit crazy and need to wait till dh is home to talk and if there is OW then agrees its over, 1 totally thinks he’s been an absolute arsehole and his actions are completely indefensible.
I’ve made a list of questions as suggested here and got all my paperwork together.
ive also found out that his family have been concerned about changes in his character for a while and suspicious of his behaviour and been asking him if he’s ok but he’s just been snappy with them and been avoiding them.
so maybe MH related or aware that his actions will disappoint his family breaking up a marriage of all these years for OW?

Spot on. This is just the final nail in the coffin
, but he’s been taking the absolute piss for most of their marriage it seems.

Even if you ignore this holiday debacle, it was a very dysfunctional and imbalanced 34 year marriage where he hid his financial affairs from OP and contributed far less than her. I honestly think this was the wake up call Op needed because it’s bizarre it even went on for so long.

So whether he’s suffering from “poor mental health” or not right now (and I personally don’t think he is) is actually irrelevant.

No She won’t . If, for example, he has gambled away that money, or given it to an affair partner , or lost it in a bad business decision.

This must have been such a terrible time for you OP, such a rollercoaster of emotions and with no explanation for your Hs odd behaviour. I hope you do get an explanation.

I hope you do get an explanation.

I imagine the explanation will be that she unfortunately married a massive, entitled, Twat ! There might be variances on that theme, but the foundations will be the same !

Gambling debts are highly likely. I doubt he ever stopped.

I’ve had a txt from h, he said he knows he should have dealt with it better and he was wrong to just go away like that but he doesn’t want to walk back into an argument when he gets back. Apparently he’s coming home tomorrow not Friday has I was told.
that aside I’m seething with dd, she seems to be playing games with me this evening. Just asking questions for the sake of it so that she can tear down my answers and take a swipe at me. I’ve no idea what the hell is going on with her. She can be pretty shitty at times (time of the month etc) but this is just bewildering 🙈

He must be aware that you have been in the car. Please take time off work and after your daughter has left for work, finish the search in this car before he gets home.
Look after yourself, it’s for your future.

Good for you, OP. At best, he is a disrespectful asshat. Good luck with your future.

He wants to come home and have you act like nothing has happened.

You have made your decision. It's up to you when you tell him. You can take the control now.

Don't be forced into his timetable. If you want to blow it all up as soon as he gets home then do it. If you want to play it cool and let him believe that it's all fine then so that. You are in control now.

At least he finally contacted you, I hope you can both sit down and sort something out, whatever is best for you both.

IS there any chance you can get DD out of the way for a few days?

Honestly, just ignore until you’re ready to discuss it on your terms. Then make it clear that behaviour from both of them is unacceptable and it will no longer be tolerated

make it clear that behaviour from both of them is unacceptable and it will no longer be tolerated

Definitely agree. Your daughter playing games over this is pretty fucked up, honestly.

Oh OP, don't worry about workmen looking at you checking out a car on your own drive. It's a car on your own drive, who cares what they think? You can do whatever you want. For all they know you could be getting it ready to sell. What exactly are they going to do - report a woman for looking in a car that is on her own drive? And to whom exactly?

As others have said there is more to find in there. Take photos of how it looks before you disturb any docs so you can put them back where they were.

Take the vacuum out and pretend to clean the seats if the workmen bother you that much, but they really shouldn't.

Stand firm OP. The way you've been treated is absolutely disgusting. Your daughter deserves to be summarily booted out of the house. You shouldn't have to put up with her vile behaviour. She's a grown woman and you don't have to tolerate being bullied in your own home. As for your husband he has to know that his behaviour has been totally unacceptable and as a consequence you are considering ending the marriage. You don't have to live like this anymore and both your husband and daughter need a cold hard reality check.

I'd just be repeating to her that she's your daughter, you love her and that your relationship with her is separate to yours with her dad.

That's a positive step that he has at least admitted he was wrong. Timely manner since he's returning home tomorrow.

Glad you got into the car today.

You have taken such difficult steps in the last few days, it must be somewhat of a relief to receive that text.

Your head and heart must be going through absolute hell. Are you prepared to talk to him tomorrow? Can you not be there if you need space for yourself?

Your daughter is another nightmare to deal with, truly believe it is time for her to be leaving no matter what situation you and your husband are left to deal with following this.

Wishing you even more strength and support than ever 💐

Actually, I think this is put much better.

I know it will be ignored in the swathe of theories here, but I think a step back is needed here. I followed another thread recently where a lady was absolutely convinced by the various theorists on here that her husband was having an affair based on basically zero evidence. He wasn’t. It was all very innocent and she had got herself so stressed to point of illness because of how out of how worked up and thinking the absolute worst posters had made her. This is going this way. Please don’t let the catastrophising on here be the voice that outweighs the actual facts and what you knew of your own relationship before all these theories. Speak to your husband, find out what’s actually going on and why. Take it from there.

Nailed it.

I don’t want an argument when I get back = manipulative man code for “don’t you dare question me or be difficult with me, even though I have behaved apaulingly. I expect to walk back in to a friendly welcome tomorrow and pretend nothing has happened.”

he doesn’t want to walk back into an argument when he gets back = he doesn't want to face up to what he has done

What a twat. And sorry your daughter is being awful to you as well.

Well said @Goodluckanddontfitup . This is not a soap opera it’s people’s real lives.

oh he doesn't want to walk into an argument?? ie, he wants you to pretend nothing happened so he can stroll in like everything is hunky dory.

No she isn’t, she’s saving for her own place.