To be suspicious of DH .. CONT..

[JustMissNobody]

Hi all,
thank you for your replies, hints and tips. I’ve read them all and made notes. I’m doing ok at the moment, a bit anxious about solicitors app shortly. Had loads of work to catch up today, my heads been a bit foggy and not been able to focus fully.
managed to actually get a good nights sleep last night. Got in bed with a glass of wine and started reading your replies and just woke up this morning with my phone next to me. I don’t know what I’ve been running on but whatever it was must have run out last night!
To answer a few ppl we have 3 DD. 1 completely on dads side, 1 on the fence but thinks I’m acting a bit crazy and need to wait till dh is home to talk and if there is OW then agrees its over, 1 totally thinks he’s been an absolute arsehole and his actions are completely indefensible.
I’ve made a list of questions as suggested here and got all my paperwork together.
ive also found out that his family have been concerned about changes in his character for a while and suspicious of his behaviour and been asking him if he’s ok but he’s just been snappy with them and been avoiding them.
so maybe MH related or aware that his actions will disappoint his family breaking up a marriage of all these years for OW?

Well long story short my mother was (I guess you can say is even though she's in recovery) bi polar and an alcoholic so it was fairly easy to get custody tbh and yes, he was decent to us, not to her though.

so if we’d asked your sister why she sided with her father, she no doubt would have her hrr mother’s extreme and dangerous alcohol and drug addiction and mental health issues of her mother as to why she sided with her mother

in not saying that is why this woman is siding with her father but it surely warrants at least a “why?”

Does this man have any redeeming features?

He’s had a gambling addiction, flirted with other women online (and probably then some), withheld information on his finances from you whilst contributing virtually zilch… which almost sounds like financial abuse tbh…

I’m just wondering why you’ve stayed married to him for all this time?

Hmm see I'm not too sure about that, it's a tough one because she was a lot younger than me and my brother who saw a lot more than her.

I think if you asked her now knowing what she does now she would say he was definitely wrong and caused a lot of her issues (I'm not sure if that's right either but he didn't help). A lot has come out since because there is always more to things than people know. My dad definitely manipulated her which she will admit to now but wouldn't have at the time because she didn't see it which could be the case with OP's daughter.

I think you're definitely right that it deserves a 'why', I was just trying to give an example of it can happen. Maybe there is a reason why but it might not be down to the OP and what she's done.

@JustMissNobody

I am so pleased you did check out the car, even if your heart was beating fast !

at least now you know more i.e. no female underwear ( I never thought there would be )
and hopefully you will be able to make some use of the paperwork you did find.

Did DD move out at some point then return home ?

BEST update ever

Your DD does sound manipulative and extremely childish. I thought she was going to be 18 not almost 27. I wouldn’t trust she is telling you the truth and she is probably making up lies to tell your DH.

Following because I’m curious to how it all ends.

I don’t think you do need to be careful putting things back properly in his car. Who cares if he thinks you went through it.

Feeling sick because you are looking at things in your husband's car is not normal. That he's made you feel you can't even look in his car is not normal. You cannot keep living like this whatever he says. After all you've been through you owe him nothing.

Thanks for the updates, OP.

You said on the other thread he was going to somewhere in Europe, and he'd browsed destinations with DD, now told by DD he's in France - but is there anything to tie that to? He could be in Portugal and saying he's in France, he could be anywhere, really - saying it don't make it so. Just on the "knowledge is power" thought process. Don't just assume he's in France.

I'm naive about gambling, but for info went to a Casino in Sanremo, Italy a few years ago (flew into Nice, it's a short trip over the French border) - they needed to see / scan a passport before they'd let us in.
I still think there's another OW; my thinking - this holiday is around school hols when maybe her ex has her kids / he's splashing ££ on her to be the big man (late hours, secretive with phone). But this OW is wise enough not to allow a new bloke into her home with her kids, so he's playing safe for the time being and keeping you, OP, in the wings.

I've witnessed seeing an ex-boyfriends Dad and sister taking the piss out of his Mum, the Dad was a dreadful bully and the daughter would indulge him from fear rather than have the same hateful comments coming at her. Awful to see it first hand.

Again, so glad you posted OP, and have seen a solicitor.

When is the holiday money sheet dated? I am wondering how long he was actually planning this trip.

I would have another go through the car. Photograph how everything is, so you can put it back just so.

The workmen are not taking any particular interest, ignore them. And if yours or joint savings were used for his car it’s just as much your property.

How dare he bully you with snide comments and draw your Dd in. Nasty nasty. Neither of them have any respect for you and it is obvious where she has learned that you are to be viewed with contempt.

Even without this current behaviour your marriage does not sound at all good for you.

He is stonewalling you by not explaining himself and even he has to realise how unusual this is and why you would jump to wholly rational conclusions because he is being really harsh and inconsiderate of your feelings and sadly, I think your daughter knows more than she is saying. Why wouldn't he have put your money in the bank for two weeks....because he was planning this, its not spur of the moment. Its cruel. However what is behind it is by no means certain. There could be an OW but he could also be having some type of mid life crisis.

However, I do have to say that you have been very trusting as you clearly had no idea of what he was going to do as everything financially seems to be inaccessible to you.

Do your kids know you have seen a solicitor? I would keep quiet about it until you know what is behind this.

Could you “gift” them asap now to your trusted DC (who supports you) to be given back later? Doing it now and then maybe hold out to see if he files for divorce down the line, so it won’t appear like hiding assets, you were helping DC with X?

Was afraid I wouldn’t put it back right and he’d notice ... I felt dodgy as hell ... My heart was in my mouth all the time and I felt sick.

@JustMissNobody, one thing that's become painfully clear is that you have an UNDER-developed sense of entitlement. The delightful individual who married you has managed to undermine you to the point where you accepted financial responsibility for him, open about your own business yet denied all knowledge of his, and acting as domestic servant.

The only thing that rescues this from being heartbreaking is that you're now finding your self-worth! Good for you!

You ARE entitled to go through his stuff, to know what's what, and to stand up for your self.

You're NOT liable for debts taken out in his name, only debts in joint names.
https://www.equifax.co.uk/resources/debt-management/marriage-and-bad-debt.html

It's important to inform your solicitor of the funds you put into his earlier debt sink, his vehicles and his business, as well as the household costs.

I second a PP's referral to the Freedom Programme once this watershed moment is over. It'll help you on your way. https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Strength to you Remember to eat and sleep! x

Golfing in Thailand : )

Be done with this sort of thing. A life of calm and serenity awaits.

you can gamble anywhere, it doesn't need to be a city known for gambling.

met a professional gambler recently who was staying in our city a few months even though cities 2 hours away are much better known for gambling. he was happy doing local tournaments.

You aren’t in a minority of one as I agree and think yours is one of the most rational posts on here.

She doesn’t need to hide assets. Everything will be considered part of the family pot and money she has invested in her DH’s business etc will be considered.

Why would she need to hide it?

@Alli88 and @maverickfox Would you honestly be happy with your wife or husband, fucking off on a holiday, without telling you where they were going and then ghosting you whilst they were there ? That would be considered perfectly normal and reasonable behaviour ?

Well done getting in the car and doing some copies. I know exactly hoe you felt as remember gaining access to my husbands van to looks fot receipts etc. I was shaking like a leaf. Strange isn't it. No one else is probably batting an eyelid but as everything is so heightened it makes you so nervous. I also remember gaining access to his phone and dropping it about 3 times as I was so nervous.

I do also remember regretting not being able to copy more though. So if you are feeling braver another time later or tomorrow I do recommend pulling those bits out. He won't notice a slight paper out of place. Just turn them over in order and shove back once you've copied anything relevant. Just speaking from my experience. No workmen or neighbours would think anything even if it feels like all eyes are on you.

You are doing amazingly with this all. Classy doesn't cover it

@Alli88, @maverickfox 😂😂😂I fully get why he'd want to go away for some peace especially if this is the way the OP usually acts.

I know! What self-employed man wouldn't feel the need to get away from a wife who does everything for him and his kids while paying off his gambling debts, helping him out with business costs and covering all the household expenses, accepting just a £100 weekly contribution from him?

The poor guy, I can see why he's refused to go away on holiday with her for 34 years. Don't know how he's coped with all that support 🙄

Of course I wouldn’t be happy but I would be very concerned. Another poster had asked what the OP would do if he was having a mental health crisis and that does seem a possibility that needs to be explored before going ahead with divorce proceedings, IMHO.

@Garlicfest absolutely on the nail-

@maverickfox it may well be a mental health crisis- but I'm pretty sure it's one with a dodgy reason behind it- if he was a good husband in every other way I would agree with you and be concerned and want to get to the bottom of it- but he isn't- he doesn't contribute, ( well absolute minimum) tells his daughter it's nicer without the OP there, has had a gambling and debt habit that OP had to clear and won't go on a family or couples holiday in 30 years! The guy isa first class twat and the OP is a saint