To be suspicious of DH .. CONT..

[JustMissNobody]

Hi all,
thank you for your replies, hints and tips. I’ve read them all and made notes. I’m doing ok at the moment, a bit anxious about solicitors app shortly. Had loads of work to catch up today, my heads been a bit foggy and not been able to focus fully.
managed to actually get a good nights sleep last night. Got in bed with a glass of wine and started reading your replies and just woke up this morning with my phone next to me. I don’t know what I’ve been running on but whatever it was must have run out last night!
To answer a few ppl we have 3 DD. 1 completely on dads side, 1 on the fence but thinks I’m acting a bit crazy and need to wait till dh is home to talk and if there is OW then agrees its over, 1 totally thinks he’s been an absolute arsehole and his actions are completely indefensible.
I’ve made a list of questions as suggested here and got all my paperwork together.
ive also found out that his family have been concerned about changes in his character for a while and suspicious of his behaviour and been asking him if he’s ok but he’s just been snappy with them and been avoiding them.
so maybe MH related or aware that his actions will disappoint his family breaking up a marriage of all these years for OW?

If you get time pop into The Freedom Programme online to add further info to support you.

I knew violence was abuse but had no understanding of financial or emotional abuse until I did the course myself. It completely changed my mindset.

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Usually your gut instincts are right. Something definitely a miss. I’m so invested in this now I almost can’t wait until Friday when he comes home!!
also couldn’t help notice you still do everything for your 26 yr old daughter - is she paying towards living there? I’d definitely try to cut down on what you do for her or she will probably never leave and live in the real world!

OP ive jumped over from other thread. YOU ARE AMAZING!. No messing. I love your tenacity, determination and.... Not putting up with his selfish BS anymore. If it is another woman....he will be a lazy, arrogant, gaslighting, stonewalling, abusing bastard with her too..with time. Youll be well shut. Tbf if he hasnt had an affair, if it was me , the treatment youve been subjected to, the fact that hes gone on holiday on his own whilst you haven't been together or as a family , forever...and his attitude to this holiday is grounds for divorce
You go OP! ✊

At the very least I would be making it clear to the nasty daughter that she now needs to move out in the very near future. Why on earth should the OP put up with her nasty daughter living in her house and bullying her any longer.

It does sound finance-related, especially if he stopped his palty contribution to the household.

Sooner or later the adult daughters are going to want to run credit checks, too, in case he's been borrowing in their names.

What a nightmare. I'd be back on the phone to the solicitor asking about my liability if he has big debt.

So sorry you are dealing with this!!

What responsibilities does he actually have though? 100 quid a week towards household bills?

@Alli88 I've also been self employed whilst raising 3 kids and I can absolutely assure you that I didn't swan off by myself without so much as a by your leave to my partner, and expect them to just put up with it without a moment's notice! If you'd treat people so shabbily then that says more about you than the OP!

Re the unusual cable, if he's self employed it's likely that the simplest explanation is that it's for a card reader he has to take payments from customers.

Glad there wasn't anything massively untoward in the car, other than the undated credit card stuff, which is a bit of a concern if you could potentially be liable for half of any debts he has.

Still makes him taking the car keys away with him very strange behaviour though!

As you say, his bizarre behaviour has given you the perfect opportunity to assess your relationship and come to the realisation that not only can you do without him, but there's a good chance you'll be happier without him also.

Unfortunately I suspect breaking up with him when he comes back is only going to turn him into a martyr as far as him and your daughter are concerned.

"I go away for ONE holiday and she dumps me - what an ungrateful cow after all I've done for her over the years..."

I'd be very grateful for the rental property if I were you. Had you said when your tenancy is up or whether you can give notice? I've missed it if you have - sorry.

I'd be planning for a life away from him in a new rental of your own. At 26/27 your daughter has the option of living with one of you (him preferably!) or finding her own place or a house share.

It is totally irrelevant what anyone outside of this marriage thinks or feels about her husband's entitlement to a holiday.

OP has clearly found out she's not in a team anymore. Whether it's because of gambling debts or another woman it's all betrayal.

I have been following this for a few days now and just wanted to say that you are acting with grace and dignity.
If it helps, when I had to go through my ex’s car, I took the hoover out with me and acted like I was cleaning it. I did mine at the same time. No idea why I did that, but I felt guilty snooping. I, like you, had good reason to.
I wish you well with your future, so sound like a lovely, patient and generous person to me and I think that you will just thrive if you chose to be single and divorce your H.

I have never posted before but wanted to say your doing amazingly well…I cannot imagine how hard this must be, stay strong and remain calm. I feel your youngest daughter deserves compassion as she is unlikely to be aware of the full extent of your dh’s deceptions and perhaps when this all comes to light she may feel differently. For now keep your cards firmly close to your chest, find out as much as you can and stay safe. Sending you lots of love 🥰

Have you seen the name of who you are replying to? I wouldn’t bother. 🤢

Good for you!

At long last you get to do what you want 🥰

OP, well done for searching the car. Please go back and go through rest of documents to find out more financial information. I wouldn't necessarily worry about them put back in the same place. He is your husband, you have decided to surprise him with a clean car upon a return 😉.
(just kidding).
The reason for finding out more is to do with your safety. I will explain (Police husband assisting).
If he has gambling debts and hasn't paid them, they will likely be with a shadey, unsavoury characters.
Not to worry you but if the above is the case, they will stop by and intimidate people living there.
Whatever happens I would pack a bag with all the important things (passport, cards, sentimental items, jewellery) and keep it somewhere else until he is back or until you find out what you are dealing with.
I would also start looking for a new place. Don't stay in that one as gambling debts don't just dissapear.
One thing husband always says is how many really horrible people are out there, ready to cause damage etc.

Not aware that I was 'gagging' for there to be an OW, in fact I have said several times, it doesn't matter if there is or not, his behaviour is atrocious regardless of the reason why!

You could withdraw all your savings in cash and go on a mad one and spend it all in an imaginary casino.

File for divorce.
If you have proof that marital money was used to set up his business, go for a fair chunk of that back.
If he's getting secret new credit cards, he's racking up marital debt potentially.
Protect yourself.

the youngest daughter is nearly 27 so fully grown woman

It does very much sound like he has financial problems going on again, from the extra credit cards and letter. Maybe has gone back to gambling. Certainly not something you want to be caught up in again, OP. You are doing incredibly well, you go girl!!

@JustMissNobody

Glad you looked in the car. Now you know it's 'something', whether it's financial/gambling or OW. But at this point you may not really give a shit because even if it were 'nothing' you're done simply based on how terribly he treats you. I know I would be.

And I'd be done with doing everything for a disrespectful adult child, too. You may want to think about that once you've settled everything in your mind about your NOT-DH. She's an adult, she needs to start taking care of her own shit; laundry, cleaning, etc.

You are showing that you have real steel ovaries. Just keep on doing what you're doing.

If you're worried about moving his stuff in the boot of his car why not take a photo beforehand and then you can put it all back in the right place? Hope you blocked the ring doorbell view of that if it applies and DD was out. This espionage lark is nerve wracking but might reap some useful info.

No matter what he says on his return (and I expect from what you've said about him that he will gaslight you further!) then this has been a wake up call. You now see your marriage with clearer eyes. Think about a brighter future without him, OP.

OP I understand it must've been nerve racking searching the car however you need to get as much info as you can whilst he is away.

Think of it like this - he knows what you have as you have been honest, he appears to be hiding stuff/wont discuss however you are married so assets are joint so you are not doing anything wrong.

Also picture yourself next week, when's he's back and you find out it's another woman/gambling or he just says it's over. He will then shut down even more and you will realise that you have lost your chance as there's no way you'll get access to the car (unless of course you go and get another key which might be a good idea?).

Please do what you can now whilst you have the chance, put yourself in as strong position as possible. It sounds as though it could get quite nasty 🙁.

It’s even more of a kick in the nuts that OP has gone without the last 2 weekly contributions which in effect means she has paid for his holiday 😬🤬
I’d be worried he is wracking up even more credit card debt as we speak and the poor OP has to give half her assets after divorce… meanwhile she will gain half of his debts 🤯😭

My sister was a daddys girl and agreed he was right about everything, even as a 30 year old woman, even after seeing him hit her because she asked for it because his dinner wasn't cooked properly. Some people just are like that, she only stopped when he turned on her.

The other one on the fence probably doesn't want to get involved.

how come your dad was awarded full custody of all three children? and you say he was “decent” 😕