To be suspicious of DH .. CONT..

[JustMissNobody]

Hi all,
thank you for your replies, hints and tips. I’ve read them all and made notes. I’m doing ok at the moment, a bit anxious about solicitors app shortly. Had loads of work to catch up today, my heads been a bit foggy and not been able to focus fully.
managed to actually get a good nights sleep last night. Got in bed with a glass of wine and started reading your replies and just woke up this morning with my phone next to me. I don’t know what I’ve been running on but whatever it was must have run out last night!
To answer a few ppl we have 3 DD. 1 completely on dads side, 1 on the fence but thinks I’m acting a bit crazy and need to wait till dh is home to talk and if there is OW then agrees its over, 1 totally thinks he’s been an absolute arsehole and his actions are completely indefensible.
I’ve made a list of questions as suggested here and got all my paperwork together.
ive also found out that his family have been concerned about changes in his character for a while and suspicious of his behaviour and been asking him if he’s ok but he’s just been snappy with them and been avoiding them.
so maybe MH related or aware that his actions will disappoint his family breaking up a marriage of all these years for OW?

My gut feeling is that there is no OW. I think that his annoyance is genuine over that. I also understand him not wanting anyone to know where he has gone (although it's weird that he told his daughter). As a mum with responsibilities I often fantasise about going away for a few days and no one being able to contact me. The sense of only you knowing where you are and not having to explain yourself must feel extremely liberating.
However, i don't think that I could ever witness someone else get distressed by my actions. He could have tried to reassure you and at least say goodbye. That said, I do think that he was trying to avoid a confrontation by doing that. If he is wanting a break alone, to me it indicates that he's trying to escape something that he has been avoiding for a while. It doesn't sound like a mental breakdown to me. It does sound like his business is struggling or that he has been gambling and is now in debt and rather than face it, he's running away from it. I think that he just can't face telling you this after his previous credit issues, lest you leave him. Either way, it shows that he doesn't feel able to talk to you about it, either to avoid rows or because he's too proud. The lack of communication would be a real problem for me because it's hard to trust anyone if they are not open. Also, the lack of holidays together and then going away by himself (particularly if in debt) would show that this is someone who is irresponsible. I suspect that he will try to play the mental breakdown card or blame you for his inability to be able to discuss any problems with you. I don't think that he's having a full on mental breakdown. People overplay that term. But he's definitely got issues and is keeping things from you. What basis for a partnership is that?

P.s. charging cable could be for a battery charger for his phone. They're useful to have if traveling and you can't always recharge easily.

I don't think the Op's DD is being manipulated, I think she is manipulative and is enjoying the drama. She is winding up her father and her mother with these little inside bullying jokes designed to undermine OPs confidence. This is divide and conquer tactics, not that of a groomed woman. My own DF was an ace emotional blackmailer and triangulator. He once sent me off with a message to my DM that I didn't realise then was a veiled threat of DV, I saw the look on her face and never ever passed on anything he said to me ever again. Broke my heart to have upset her so, I was 8, not 26. DD is old enough to realise that impact on her family, it gives her great control over the household.

I'm self employed sole trader and 2 new credit cards are a sign of extra borrowing needed. Without a doubt there are financial issues from what the OP has said from her findings. It doesn't necessarily mean the man is gambling again, raw materials and equipment prices have gone through the roof. Also stilted cash flow can kill even a good business, the cards could be to tied it over. Been there done that. The same with summer hols, normally I'm running at breakneck speed but July Aug is the quietest time of the year for me, it's the only time I could actually take a week off, normally I don't get a full weekend.

I don't think the holiday alone is especially strange or suspicious, it's the manner in which it was conducted, could DD have had a hand in this as well? Some daughters are just as jealous of their DM's position with DF as DM can be of their DD's youth. Again this never excuses H, he should be more grown up and tell DD to be more respectful to her DM and refuse to join in the bullying.

@MarkingBad

I don't think the Op's DD is being manipulated, I think she is manipulative and is enjoying the dram

unfair

we don’t know how old these daughters are

and they’re hardly in a happy and supportive family home…. that is going to have negatively impacted them very much

I wonder if he’s gone to Vegas to try to win big….I knew of a guy who was in so much debt he tried to do that, it didn’t work.
Sending hugs OP, he’s treated you appallingly.

I don't see that financial problems are a reason to rule out OW or a series of affairs/one night stands etc.

People who are getting themselves into bother tend to want to escape reality - cheating on their wife in any way, whether thats another longer term relationship or its a string of hook ups or even using prostitutes, is VERY much escapist behaviour...

As is pissing off on a holiday in the manner he has just done...

We do though. The youngest is 26! The other two are older

Be prepared for more shocks as you delve deeper OP. I found out about many different financial lies once I split from my husband. It turned out he was a compulsive liar in general, lying over the most stupid of things as well as major financial lies.

You do need to get back into his car and photograph absolutely everything financial or work related you find. Knowledge is definitely power in a divorce. If you are definitely divorcing it really doesn’t matter if he notices you’ve been in his car.

Just go into settings. You can choose a new username in there.

Glad you’ve gone through his car. It does sound like he’s racked up debt. It may have been going on a while based on his refusal to pay anything more than £100 per week into family finances (and zero of late). There could be OW but tbh that’s the least of your problems. Good luck to her if there is one. He’s a nasty piece of work who is out for all he can get and ungrateful for it! Stay strong. I guess your nerves will be ramping up the closer it gets to his return. We are all thinking of you.

Just because you are gagging for there to be another woman, doesn't mean there has to be one.

Not unfair, she is 26 according to the op and old enough to know.

I wonder if he owes money to someone/somewhere and is doing something in France to make the money to pay that back.

Where in France is he OP? Big casino in Houlgate operating an event on 21.08.24. There’s a big casino in Deauville and Lyon too.

If he hasn’t sought professional help for this addiction then I very much suspect it’s this. Addicts are fantastic liars. You need a financial order asap - divorce is not enough.

I agree with you, I really hope he’s enjoyed his break and his peace. He can have as much of it as he wants now. I’ve finally found mine whilst he’s been away, so I suppose it’s been good for both of us in the long run.
i wouldn’t want him to continue to think me an unsupportive wife as I have felt so unsupported all these yrs, it’s not pleasant. So now we both get to live our peace and best lives x

ok so one is firmly with her father and the other is on the fence

unless he’s been a hollywood actor for the last three decades, is the Op not keen to find out why they aren’t supporting her.

And “she’s a daddy’s girl” really isn’t an answer when we’re talking about a 30 year old woman

OP what is your rel like with the daughter supporting her father and the daughter on the fence?

I'm so sorry OP, it does look as if it's definitely financial issues, whether gambling or debt. I'm so proud of you though for overcoming your anxiety and seeing a solicitor and looking in the car. I can only imagine the knot you must have in your stomach right now. It seems to me that your husband thrives on control, and it is only now with hindsight you can look back and see how much control he has had over your life. His alliance with your youngest daughter only serves in his favour to amplify that control over you, by undervaluing you physically, mentally and emotionally. I am sure the scales would fall from your daughter's eyes pretty quickly if you found your own place and she lived with him. They would soon discover how much you contributed to the household in so many ways.

I echo the responses to grey rock your daughter when she passes on information from him. This is more evidence of control over you, he is feeding you the information he wants you to have, but indirectly from a source he trusts to join in with his behaviour and not question it.

You sound so calm and strong, but I am sure inside you must be a mess of incredible emotions. It is such a stressful time for you, but dig deep. This cannot continue, and a better life lies just ahead for you. Stay strong.

It sounds increasingly like the bizarre behaviour of the husband might be due to him being in a sticky financial situation. Regardless of this he and your spiteful daughter are as bad as each other. I think it's time to mull over the advice the solicitor has given you and start making plans to extricate yourself from the marriage. Detach from them both emotionally. I would be asking the daughter to make arrangements to move out immediately and making clear to him that the marriage is over.

Well said.

@JustMissNobody @WearyAuldWumman
I concur!!

Here is your crown 👑

"ok so one is firmly with her father and the other is on the fence"

Why are you conveniently ignoring the third daughter who is firmly with her mother? Doesn't suit your narrative whilst you're trying to suggest it's the OPs fault her 26 year old DD behaves nastily towards her alongside her husband?

The point being that he hasn't tried to talk to the op. Just announced that he's going away and then fucked off without even a goodbye.
Op has had 30 years of being belittled and then supporting him with the debt he got himself into. When is it ops turn to come first? My DH had what used to be called a nervous breakdown and yes he got very selfish but when we realised what was happening he was very open to the help that was offered he didn't vanish to France without a word.
Good luck op 💐

i’m not ignoring
but i don’t have any questions about why
she supports her mother given what the OP outlines - it would be insane not to support her

hence me asking about… the other two daughter