To be suspicious of DH .. CONT..

[JustMissNobody]

Hi all,
thank you for your replies, hints and tips. I’ve read them all and made notes. I’m doing ok at the moment, a bit anxious about solicitors app shortly. Had loads of work to catch up today, my heads been a bit foggy and not been able to focus fully.
managed to actually get a good nights sleep last night. Got in bed with a glass of wine and started reading your replies and just woke up this morning with my phone next to me. I don’t know what I’ve been running on but whatever it was must have run out last night!
To answer a few ppl we have 3 DD. 1 completely on dads side, 1 on the fence but thinks I’m acting a bit crazy and need to wait till dh is home to talk and if there is OW then agrees its over, 1 totally thinks he’s been an absolute arsehole and his actions are completely indefensible.
I’ve made a list of questions as suggested here and got all my paperwork together.
ive also found out that his family have been concerned about changes in his character for a while and suspicious of his behaviour and been asking him if he’s ok but he’s just been snappy with them and been avoiding them.
so maybe MH related or aware that his actions will disappoint his family breaking up a marriage of all these years for OW?

This is really good advice! If he's running up debt for himself, it's quite easy to do it in your name too. An ex of mine who I loved with ran up loads of debt and the first I knew was when the. Debt collectors came as he'd fielded every letter etc. it was horrific.

This is a gambling problem and he’s in debt. He’s gone away to either do some big gamble or some other crisis oriented big action. The passport was to apply for more loans. If I were you I’d take all his paperwork and let him ask for it back. His secrecy has forced you into protective and drastic measures. You’re responding, he started this crap

I thinks is money trouble, not an OW! Doesn't make it better though.

Have you spoken to solicitor what would happen if he amassed debt? Would your savings be part of 'joint' assets which will need to be distributed as part of a settlement? What would happen if he has only debt...

I know OP feels there's a low risk of this thread being viewed by her family, but it's turning into a bit of a circus on a public forum. Much as she needs support, I think it would be safer to lean on friends and family IRL and delete the whole thing in case it takes on a life of its own.

I tried to change my username using a temp email address but unfortunately MN closed it down before I got the chance to post, must have thought I was a BOT or something 😳😂 oh well, them’s the breaks or so they say (or something like that) haha

I do, I can afford it and prefer the weather

I have yes, my credit file is clean. No credit checks on file and no debt taken out. Thank you for bringing that up x

I'm glad you went through his car OP.

It would be a shame if his pre-paid holiday card got reported as stolen wouldn't it 😉

Well done for photographing everything. You'll need as much evidence as you can.
Did you check under the floor of the boot?

It does sound more like it's got something to do with gambling/running up debt. There is still obviously the possibility of OW but it's starting to make more sense with the previous with gambling, credit cards etc

Without saying too much, OP, assuming your DH's "holiday" is owing to gambling and / or financial issues, I have a relative who had those exact issues - his wife eventually divorced him as a result and, even though I'm related to him, I completely understood why she did it. He was [is] irresponsible and was [is] only ever interested in protecting himself.

Well done for copying all that. It doesn't matter that you don’t know what it all means, it’s more pieces of the jigsaw that you will need during your divorce.

have you thought of doing a credit reference check on yourself to see if he's taken out loans or credit cards in your name ?

Going away in the summer holidays I agree is more expensive and something I’d probably avoid if possible due to the increased cost. Only because I think it’s a rip off haha.
it is however the quietest time for his business when ppl generally take their summer break away.

@JustMissNobody when you found about his gambling problem previously - was he acting in the same way he is now?

OP I’m not sure if he’s an addict but he’s certainly behaving like one. Without being remotely aware, your financial set up has enabled him to get himself into
a mess.
Addicts have little empathy or sense of responsibility - he’s playing to the DD who is in his corner because he needs an easy fan base.
Glad you went into the car, that must have been tough, but knowledge is power.
This man has run off to wherever, behaved like a naughty child, leaving you to try and work it all out.
He has underestimated you on every level.
He may come home and play the MH/breakdown card - do not let him. He’s been messaging your DD as if nothing has happened.
Like PP have said it’s a wake up call even though not a welcome one. This man has treated you terribly.
You have your own life and career and you can build on that. You have been bankrolling your husband for too long and with nothing to show for it.
Get a new place and start again. Nothing will be as bad as you felt when all of this began.

Don’t let him cajole you when he returns. He will treat you like you’ve gone nuts, and he was just having a relaxing break as he works so hard. He’ll play the victim for sure and make DD and you feel like you’re the one who’s lost your mind and behaving unreasonably.

OW, debt, MH or gambling whatever it is, the pressure has got to him and he’s gone and treated himself to a break away with no consideration for you. It’s so hurtful he didn’t include you and he’s only contacted your DD.

Its also hurtful a 26 year old daughter thinks it’s acceptable for her dad to bugger off on holiday with no discussion when he’s refused family holidays all these years.

Don't mention the solicitor either, I made that mistake and my ex H made out I was really heartless for contacting one ‘so quickly’ after he walked out. He kept making out he might come back. He had no intention of coming back, just wanted to hedge his bets in case the OW didn’t work out.

I’m glad you’ve been in the car and found some evidence. Like you, I felt massively anxious looking for evidence, but he’s put you in that position by being secretive and hiding his income etc from you. Keep all the info very safe, you’ll need it at some point.

No unfortunately there was a lot of stuff in there for work that I’d need to pull out and have to put back. Was afraid I wouldn’t put it back right and he’d notice. There was also two workmen at a house nearby that a felt were watching my every move. I felt dodgy as hell 🙈 I don’t know how ppl can be so casual about this shit. My heart was in my mouth all the time and I felt sick.

@JustMissNobody if I remember correctly in your previous thread you said you had some savings. You need to try and protect them as if you do decide to divorce he can claim half.

I wouldn't usually agree with hiding your assets but given you have already paid his debts off once along with his past and current treatment of you I would do that as a matter of urgency.

Good Luck. Hope you can resolve this with a positive outcome for you. 🍀

Open the boot and photo it. Then take the stuff out, check underneath, and put back as per photo. Or don’t bother with making it look like it hasn’t been disturbed and say ‘yeah I looked in your car - you’re being a weird secretive bastard and I want to know what the fuck is going on’.

Bless you lass, that's because you're decent.

Similar in that he was very protective of his iPad, and his phone, however, he seemed happier, he was chatting and flirting with other women at the same time as well. So I think it just started out as a bit of fun that grew out of control. I didn’t find out about the women till I eventually got the old iPad and accessed all the chat logs.
we got rid of it, sorted out the debt and said it was just a laugh and nothing in it ( just banter). As far as I’m aware that was the last time gambling as been an issue. It was a long time ago and took a long time to deal with.

I don’t think hiding them anywhere will make any difference. He’s fully aware of what I have. I’ve always been honest and open about everything, plus, his solicitor would find that stuff out anyway.
savings were used to set up his business / vehicle purchase etc etc. that’s just what you do in a marriage, or so I thought 🤔

I'm sorry, you didn't deserve any of that and you don't deserve it now. He was so lucky that you stayed with him and helped him and now he's thrown it straight back in your face.

He also has got history flirting with other women, my ex was like this but it wasn't gambling, it was drinking and flirting with other women but apparently it meant nothing and was harmless. It brought me down and I've honestly never been so happy since I left him. I've met a new man and realise I shouldn't have put up with all the things I did.

Whatever is going on with him, you don't deserve to be treated like this. Don't let him drag you down with him.

I'm pretty sure he will come back and say absolutely nothing - just try to carry on 'as normal'. When you try to start a conversation, he will do as he always does, and turn it back on you or try to start a fight.

I would try to practice what you want to say, how you want to approach it and what result you want.

It might be as simple as 'Our marriage is over, we should go our separate ways, I am giving notice on this flat and I will be petitioning for divorce'.

I'm not sure you are independently going to be able to get a lot of detail on his earnings, debts etc, so just insist that all outgoings are split 50/50 until the end of your tenancy.

Would you let any man treat your daughters like this? Show them a good example of how women should be taking control of her own life not letting some uncaring excuse for a husband treat their mum so poorly (if you don't show them they will end up with someone treating them the same and think it's normal coz thats how dad treated mum and she let him) Your girls are watching ! Why are you worried/care about what he knows/thinks of you being in his car ? He is clearly not worried/cares about you. Now take charge/control of your own life (hes not going too) and get all the evidence you need (about his business/OW if she exists she will get it all including your half share) get all financial evidence before he comes back and destroys all evidence of his earnings.