To be suspicious of DH .. CONT..

[JustMissNobody]

Hi all,
thank you for your replies, hints and tips. I’ve read them all and made notes. I’m doing ok at the moment, a bit anxious about solicitors app shortly. Had loads of work to catch up today, my heads been a bit foggy and not been able to focus fully.
managed to actually get a good nights sleep last night. Got in bed with a glass of wine and started reading your replies and just woke up this morning with my phone next to me. I don’t know what I’ve been running on but whatever it was must have run out last night!
To answer a few ppl we have 3 DD. 1 completely on dads side, 1 on the fence but thinks I’m acting a bit crazy and need to wait till dh is home to talk and if there is OW then agrees its over, 1 totally thinks he’s been an absolute arsehole and his actions are completely indefensible.
I’ve made a list of questions as suggested here and got all my paperwork together.
ive also found out that his family have been concerned about changes in his character for a while and suspicious of his behaviour and been asking him if he’s ok but he’s just been snappy with them and been avoiding them.
so maybe MH related or aware that his actions will disappoint his family breaking up a marriage of all these years for OW?

My guess is that he's in (serious) debt and still has a gambling problem.

You've done so many difficult things in the last few days, it is going to take some time to get your head around what ever on earth it is that is actually going on.

You have amazing strength 💪

If it's really weird, Netflix documentary! 🤣

Have you done a credit check, @JustMissNobody - certainly on yourself, in case anything has been taken out in your name, but not sure whether other issues would show on your account or not if you have any joint finance agreements with him.

Could it be he is in debt and has had enough and needs to get away?

OP the new update doesn't sound good at all. His financial position sounds troubling to say the least. Not contributing to the household, working, extra hours,m and finding credit card details you weren't aware of definitely screams financial concerns. Nothing suggests another woman, just a man that is trying to escape his problems IMO. I'm not sure how you've lived like this for so many years, you deserve so much better. I'd be going to buy DD a laundry bin and letting her do her own laundry. Start protecting yourself and put yourself first. You need to look after yourself and stop pandering to those who don't appreciate you. Be ready to harden your heart and kick H to the kerb, his financial position isn't your concern moving forward.

Money trouble from gambling or business trouble.
Check your credit file to make sure he hasn't borrowed money under your name.

He's not got another woman, he's in serious debt.

Your daughter needs to grow up too, she's fuelling a fire that she clearly has no understanding of.

“Often father and daughter look down on mother (woman) together. They exchange meaningful glances when she misses a point. They agree that she is not bright as they are, cannot reason as they do. This collusion does not save the daughter from the mother’s fate.”
― Bonnie Burstow

I think you need to extricate yourself from this asap. I would leave rude adult daughter with her dad.

Personally I would let on that you've seen a solicitor while he's away. Shock him and put a dampener on the holiday. It's shocking he's went without talking to you or even inviting you. Whether or not there's another woman (I think there is) this shows a total lack of respect

The needing to borrow money also explains the random passport application a year ago. They may have been asking for 2 forms of ID and he is self employed and his name isn't on the rental agreement.

Oh dear, your update is very concerning. Please run a credit check ASAP. Other woman would be heartbreaking but if he's running debts, this could ruin your life. Extricate yourself from this marriage, I'd call the solicitor again and ask for advice in light of this info.

DD is the least of your concerns. She's been manipulated her whole life. You can't expect her to wake up to what a shitbag her dad is when 1) she doesn't have the info and 2) you yourself are only just seeing it.

@JustMissNobody doesn't have to provide us with anything. This is her life. Her actual, real life.

Very good point. This is a long con. Not a spur of the moment madness.

@JustMissNobody it would appear that a lot of the signs now prevalent are those of financial issues rather than the OW. Either way he has treated you very badly and you don’t deserve any of this. It is also clear he may well be gambling again and has debts. You have taken some very brave steps over the last day or two by going to a solicitor and getting all your ducks in a row. If you decide you still want him out of your life dont falter be strong and move on. You have bailed him out once does he really deserve another chance knowing what you are currently going through? Only you know the answer. Whatever you decide you most certainly deserve peace and happiness. In my view you are on the right road to finding that without him.

And OP sorry to say that some of the debts you might be responsible for. Business for example as that's one disadvantage of being a sole trader. You risk losing personal money.

I hear that if you know enough detail you could hypothetically run a credit report on a spouse. So a friend told me.

@JustMissNobody sadly I think this is gambling related too- explains why he gives you so little as well- and why he's been accessing credit. He probably is well in over his head and trying to get some space in his head to decide whether to come clean - either way I think you are best out of it

Myself and my family and friends gave my 1st husband a lot of concern etc and the benefit of the doubt when he left me out of the blue. Everyone thought he was having a breakdown as it was so out of character and came out of nowhere as we were expecting a baby and everything seemed fine.

He’s been married to that ‘breakdown’ now for 15 years. I hope the OP’s husband has legitimate reasons for his bizarre actions - although I wouldn’t wish MH or financial issues on anyone else, it’s preferable to an affair which is final.

I ran one in my now ex-husband as I suspected fraud. Set up a Gmail in his name it's easy to do. He had, as I suspected remortgaged the house fraudulently. Left me in over 50k if debt. Ducker

how did you manage to find out all this from simply creating a gmail account in his name?

This is something I hadn’t considered. You don’t go away in school holidays unless you’re working in education or have children.

Maybe he has a second family.
If there’s an affair maybe she has kids.
Maybe he’s discovered a child from a previous relationship and is spending time with them.

indeed

but without more information, it will naturally lead to speculation.

"Maybe he has a second family.
If there’s an affair maybe she has kids."

If this was the case why would he sit down on Friday night with his daughter and browse potential destinations. The OW theory makes no sense.

This is a financial crisis. He hasn't been gardening or plastering or whatever his business is until 11pm, he's been in the bookies. Sounds like things started getting out of hand a year ago when he needed more robust ID to borrow more money. He's in debt up to his eyeballs, lying to his wife and potentially taking money in her name too.

Go on Clearscore OP and get yourself a free credit check. It'll show any debts and will also give you an idea of the questions they ask. If you think you can reliably answer the questions on your DHs behalf then run one on him too. It'll be an eye opener and stand you in better stead for a divorce if you know what he owes.

I think he’s just needed a break, many of us do when we have MH problems. I presume he’s worried about money and/or his business so has gone for a week away before it goes under etc.