To be suspicious of DH .. CONT..

[JustMissNobody]

Hi all,
thank you for your replies, hints and tips. I’ve read them all and made notes. I’m doing ok at the moment, a bit anxious about solicitors app shortly. Had loads of work to catch up today, my heads been a bit foggy and not been able to focus fully.
managed to actually get a good nights sleep last night. Got in bed with a glass of wine and started reading your replies and just woke up this morning with my phone next to me. I don’t know what I’ve been running on but whatever it was must have run out last night!
To answer a few ppl we have 3 DD. 1 completely on dads side, 1 on the fence but thinks I’m acting a bit crazy and need to wait till dh is home to talk and if there is OW then agrees its over, 1 totally thinks he’s been an absolute arsehole and his actions are completely indefensible.
I’ve made a list of questions as suggested here and got all my paperwork together.
ive also found out that his family have been concerned about changes in his character for a while and suspicious of his behaviour and been asking him if he’s ok but he’s just been snappy with them and been avoiding them.
so maybe MH related or aware that his actions will disappoint his family breaking up a marriage of all these years for OW?

100% this!

As for the 'jokes' between them, if they don't like it when you're there then they can fuck off and get their own place!!

I can't add to anything that's already been said,there's a good mix of advice and support from mumsnetters on your thread.
I'm sure you have a gut feeling about what has happened, trust it ,it'll all come out in the wash .

No what do they do please enlighten us? Actually there are many excellent golf courses in Thailand with world class golfers not very informed are you?

I agree 100%

Perhaps he's just done you the best favour ever & you can look forward to a more peaceful life moving forward. Time to do exactly what you really want to do.

@JustMissNobody your dh and dd behaviour are just off. You should send them the link to both posts so that they can see the the responses and that most rational people believe your husband has acted APPALLINGLY

The only guys I've known that go to Thailand on their own (I've known 2 who do this frequently), are creepy perverts in their normal life.

Going on your own, secretly, or lying about where they have gone, even more of a red flag. I'm sure they probably enjoy the golf while they are out there though, raping children won't take up all their time.

h and dd are like a little tag team when they get going, one of them will have a little jokey snipe at me and the other joins in. Laughing and adding to it and if I say anything they just say they’re just joking or having a laugh and tell me to stop being so sensitive or ‘god can’t you take a joke’.

So they're both bullies?

@JustMissNobody FWIW I don't think there's another woman. I just think he's an arrogant prick who is making a point that he can do what he likes and couldn't care less about your feelings or opinion.

He clearly doesn't respect you. Any normal human being would say that they needed some time away and discuss it.

What he has done is shocking. What's just as bad is your daughters attitude. The two of them are treating you like crap.

Are you the daughter? Whoever you are, you’re a nasty piece of work!

been in the car found receipts and documents re business. Photographed as much as possible I was so on edge. Felt I was being watched!! So strange never done anything like this before 😳.
also found collection bags from local pick up points of deliveries of recent purchases he must have made stuffed under the seats. A charging cable for something that I don’t know what it’s for? Not for his phone or iPad!.
sheets from banks for new credit cards not sure when they were taken out, not dates on them. (2 of them). 1 letter saying he needs to increase his payments on a credit to clear debt by xxxx. And a prepayment travel card paper sheet to use on holiday.

So he did take the keys for a reason. None of that is good, and he can try to deflect when he gets home, but you have evidence. I'm afraid I'd be divorcing, it's all too much.

For those saying somethings not adding up here, this is weird, bizarre etc .. I agree with you. It’s getting fucking weirder by the minute 😳😳

If they are married or in a relationship and put up this veil of secrecy by going to Thailand alone then I completely agree that’s not right and I certainly don’t condone it. They would easily be found out once they get back to their home country as Thailand stamps all passports. If however, they are single ( being creepy) aside they can go where they want. As for raping children( your words) where do you get that little gem from? The world is full of gutter filth and that horrendous stuff goes on worldwide. Yes Thailand is known for its sex industry but do not assume that everyone indulges in that behaviour.

My husband is a retired professional golfer, so I like to think I am somewhat informed. I also play weekly myself.

Now I’m sure Thailand has several lovely golf courses, though I’ve never played myself. I have however been on golf holidays in countless other countries, spent half my life surrounded by golfers and I’ve never once heard of someone going on a golf holiday in Thailand 😂 Especially not twice.

The new credit cards papers and the bank letter seem to show money issues, so probably the new cards were taken our...
I still don't think it sounds like OW, is it possible he is gambling on like poker circles or something like that, and they have an "event" in France where he is sure to win big to pay his debts back? In any case, to me this is even worse than OW...

OP you've bailed him out once. He repaid that with financial secrecy and control. Don't be conned into bailing him out again.

In a way, it's a good thing that his holiday has brought this to a head, because it has given you a chance to re-evaluate your life and see things with fresh eyes.

It sounds as if he brings absolutely nothing to the marriage. He doesn't contribute significantly financially, despite "working" all the hours under the sun. He doesn't contribute at home: you do everything. He's too busy to go on holiday with you, but can find time to go without you. He mocks and belittles you and encourages your DD to do the same. He won't discuss issues and shuts you down when you want a meaningful conversation.

I suspected originally that he was having an affair but, the more you've written, the more I think that it really doesn't matter whether he is or not. He's a dead weight dragging you down and you don't deserve to be treated like this.

Good luck. Wishing you strength.

@Bertgotkinky interesting user name 🤔

He’s up to his neck in debt, hence the new credit cards.

Well done OP! This whole experience is shit (understatement) but you’re being so strong and you’re going kick this arsehole into touch. You’ve got the support of so many MN-ers behind you.

Did DD say where in France your husband has gone? Can you have a Google to see if there are any gambling/poker events going on given his history?

Im not sure it sounds like an OW but based on what you’ve found it could be money/gambling related (either he’s had to leave the country quickly as he’s in trouble here, or he’s gone to gamble abroad as a PP said).

Funny that because I have lived here (Thailand) for 8 years now and I attempt to play when I can. I say attempt because I find it frustratingly difficult that said I have seen various players return year after year. It’s fantastic socially in this part of the world.

Thank you.

I think so too, this ties up with the not payig £100 in anymore and also with being on Ipad/ phone all the time (as this is what he did before when gambling).

I have to say, I thought that too.