To be suspicious of DH .. CONT..

[JustMissNobody]

Hi all,
thank you for your replies, hints and tips. I’ve read them all and made notes. I’m doing ok at the moment, a bit anxious about solicitors app shortly. Had loads of work to catch up today, my heads been a bit foggy and not been able to focus fully.
managed to actually get a good nights sleep last night. Got in bed with a glass of wine and started reading your replies and just woke up this morning with my phone next to me. I don’t know what I’ve been running on but whatever it was must have run out last night!
To answer a few ppl we have 3 DD. 1 completely on dads side, 1 on the fence but thinks I’m acting a bit crazy and need to wait till dh is home to talk and if there is OW then agrees its over, 1 totally thinks he’s been an absolute arsehole and his actions are completely indefensible.
I’ve made a list of questions as suggested here and got all my paperwork together.
ive also found out that his family have been concerned about changes in his character for a while and suspicious of his behaviour and been asking him if he’s ok but he’s just been snappy with them and been avoiding them.
so maybe MH related or aware that his actions will disappoint his family breaking up a marriage of all these years for OW?

Hugs to you OP. Your H is being very cowardly, feeding information to your daughter. It's leaning a but more towards gambling rather than an OW from my reading of the thread here. Hopefully your daughter is heading out today and won't see you checking out the car. She'd report that to her Dad for sure

Of course he continues to do it, because you let him get away with it. He will not change. No one really changes as much as we want them to. You need to decide whether you are happy with their behaviour and continue the relationship, or admit it's overcrossed a boundary, in which case you end the relationship

It’s really sad that your DD is siding with him.

I would start running a parallel life without him whilst this gets sorted either way. Treat him as someone living in the house, renting a room. Tell him from now on all bills are 50/50 and mean it. Tell him this is not a marriage, it’s a house share, so that is how it has to be from now on, with chores divided too. Don’t do anything for him.

Keep your solicitor to hand, and keep getting your ducks in order. Don’t renew your house rental.

Start building a new life for yourself, hobbies, travel and nice things. He’ll see you are better off without him, and either buck his ideas up, or by that time you’ll be in such a better place that you’ll be glad to be free of him.

Can you run a credit check on yourself, just in case he's taken out any loans in your name?

OP you are strong! And definitely not miss nobody. I really feel for you being in this situation and I think you’re handling it very well.
At first I thought it was mh issues or an affair but after seeing he had gambling problems I think this might be it.
He doesn’t sound like a nice man anyway so I think you’re right in contacting a solicitor for advice. If he is in lots of debt you’ll not want him to get half of your worth when you divorce.

I’m sorry you’re being treated this way OP. I don’t understand why he isn’t contacting you attempting to reassure you. His behaviour is bizarre.

Personally, I'd be tempted to give in notice on the rented accommodation and get yourself an interim rental flat on your own, move your stuff out and leave him and DD to it. If they like it more when you're not there, let them try dealing with running the house without you.
And keep looking for that new place to buy, just for you in your new, single life. No need to think about pleasing anybody else now

I'm another thinking it's money. And, to be honest, for me that would be worse than another woman. So I am incredibly sorry OP. I'm actually hoping it's another woman, for your sake.

Do search his car, not that I'm sure it will help. Don't switch off the ring camera. So what if he sees you? You've been married for decades. Apparently he has the right to walk in and out of your home and you have no right to lock him out. Married rights flow both ways. So by all means look wherever you need to. It wouldn't even enter my head that I had no right to look in my husband's car.

And if he had nothing to hide he wouldn't behave as if he had everything to hide. I think he's possibly run away to try re-group and figure out how to tell you and the rest of the family. He knows a shit-storm is coming.

You do know that many western men go solo to Thailand because there are impoverished prostitutes and under age children for sale? You need to check his hard drive.

This! My (now ex) husband started behaving oddly, and wouldn't tell me why despite my efforts to get him to talk. He then decided he wanted to separate. He insisted there was no one else,but to this day I don't know why he behaved the way he did. You owe it to yourself to get to the bottom of it.

@Aduvetday He's in France.

When you think there is another woman because your DH is treating you with disrespect, not being honest with you and acting like you are worthless to him does it actually matter in the end of there is another woman? All signs that it's time to get shot of him.

Just a quick reminder of a suggestion I made on the other thread, If you have a ring doorbell, switch the wifi off before you search his cat, so he doesn't see you doing it.

Just caught your updates and saw that H is in contact with DD daily, and I must say, that even IF this was the most innocent trip ever, he certainly actioned it in the most suspicious way possible. Even IF there’s no OW, MH crisis or dodgy financial/business dealings, why oh why couldn’t he have been more open and more transparent with you before he left?

THAT, imo is the problem here and the reason you’ve apparently been so accusatory and “ruined his vacation” 🙄

If nothing else, it highlights the fact that he’s been treating you poorly for some time, and also keeping you in the dark about certain (important) things for a huge portion of your marriage to him.

OW or not, it’s clear he thinks it’s ok to treat you this way - and I think we’re all in agreement that he’s very much mistaken there. Don’t let him (and dd) gaslight you into thinking this is your problem, your overreaction, your paranoia etc. He’s a nasty bastard, plain and simple, and you are well within your rights to finally stand up to him about it. He’s acted horribly. This holiday should absolutely be the final chance he has to treat you like a mug.

Sending hugs and strength to you, OP - you seem to be holding it down, and maintaining your composure…you should be proud of how you’ve dealt with this tbh. Strong, dignified, no-BS… I like your style! He’s coming home to a big surprise when he recognises you aren’t going to let him walk over you any longer. Good for you, girl! 🙌🏼💗🏆💪🏼

I wasn’t replying to op.

This !

The family relationships so remind me of my friend and her family situation. She admits she and her sister favoured their father because he was charismatic and 'fun', and chose to ignore how badly he treated their mother. As they got older, she started supporting her mother more and helped her get a divorce. But her younger sister is still totally on his 'side' and has hardly anything to do with her mother.
But it has badly screwed up both of them- having a parent triangulate like that,

Good luck @JustMissNobody one day at a time and the idiot will surely get what’s coming to him

Just read all your updates OP, and what a bastard. It’s gonna be hard but try to show as little emotion as you can towards him, just let him know you’re divorcing when he’s home.
Can you hide any of your money? He doesn’t deserve a penny!

You mentioned he used to gamble.

No paperwork at the house?
He never stopped gambling
He has spent all his money.
He is now in a hole.

Is there an oW? Maybe but maybe not.
Does it matter? He has been horrid to you for too long.
Reclaim your life now.
File for divorce before he gets back.
Give notice on the house before he gets back.
Get yourself a smaller rental near your GC

Search the car this morning. Take photos and send them to your solicitor for safekeeping from a new email address.

Tell you DD what you have done and that you need some space but her dad can support her from now on as you have been taken for a mug.

Before he returns Remove all your important papers and photos and sentimental items to a safe place - storage unit or your GC house.

Take up yoga or walking or another activity to have some "me" time

Enjoy life without this loser.

@JustMissNobody I'm impressed with how you are handling all this. It sounds really hard at times.

There is so much power in silence.

Ignore the posts that don't help in any way.

Morning @JustMissNobody -
As someone who has also been through a "very weird" relationship issue (involving a double life, an other woman, and severe mental illness diagnosed as a result), I wanted to send you some reassurance. The mental gymnastics you're going through right now are exhausting, and it’s not that you’re “not coping”—it’s the situation itself that’s overwhelming.

I found that keeping a diary, taking screenshots or photos of what I discovered, and sharing my “game plan” with a very small, trusted group helped a lot. Counseling has been a godsend. In the short term, if you can rest, please do—adrenaline in these situations can be unreal, and keeping your wits about you is key. I used to set a 90-minute timer just to remind myself to drink water.

Also, ironically, as I’m offering unsolicited advice here, I always recommend treating advice and suggestions from others like clouds: let them float over you, pausing only at the ones that interest you. It’s very easy for people to offer advice when they don’t have to follow it themselves. The pressure from others "telling you what to do" can feel as suffocating as the situation itself.

JustMissNobody
Glad you have seen a solicitor, this is definitely to your advantage and the first step to your new life. Knowledge and being proactive is definitely power.

I posted early on in your previous thread about getting legal advice, getting ducks in a row and keeping your next steps private. Again this is your super power right now.

You have been using this valuable time (while he is away) wisely.
Really, really well done.

Remember to look after yourself too, so you are strong and determined in your actions.
Take your planned trip away for his return to show that you give not one tiny fuck about him. The power of indifference is a mighty thing.

You are NOT Miss Nobody, you are bloody awesome x

Ok genius. Don't just say 'something odd about all this' Tell us what's odd about all this? You must know or you wouldn't have shared your infinite wisdom with us in this infuriatingly cryptic way.

Blimey hun, he isn't going there to play golf 😳