Building a ‘family’ as an adult only child

[Starfish89]

I am an adult (late 30s) only child and I was wondering if anyone else is in the same situation and feels the same about having little family or support network?

I have a lovely partner (which I feel very lucky for). We don’t have any children though and he is also an only child. I have one good friend (also an only child) and I get on well with my work colleagues. My parents are still alive, but obviously that sadly won’t be the case forever.

I just worry so much about the future. Our network feels so small. I dread anything happening to my partner and being on my own. Although hopefully I would still have my good friend. I dread getting older with nobody around us too.
Is there anything we can do? Without wishing to sound boastful or anything, I think I am quite a nice person. I’m kind and thoughtful, it’s just that I don’t have a lot of places to direct my love.

Is there any way I can build a ‘family’ for us? Maybe through voluntary work / getting involved with a charity. Something like that. I don’t want to have children because I don’t want them to be in the same position with very little family.

p.s May I kindly ask please that this thread isn’t taken over by parents of only children saying that I am making them feel bad for having only children. That’s not what I am setting out to do. My experience obviously doesn’t mean your children will feel the same when they are older. I am just looking for some advice or help regarding the situation I am in. It has a big impact on my life worrying about this. Thank you.

Anyone have any advice please?

(Caveat: I do have siblings and children)

The best activities for finding a social group, in my experience, have been regular, often outdoor things -- volunteering to lay hedges, or going jogging (slowly enough to chat), or volunteering at Brownies. Local drama or choir or scratch orchestra groups are good too.

You need something with the same people turning up week after week, and gradually you can find out about their lives and become invested in them.

I do also volunteer with animals (kitten fostering) but that's less sociable. You do get a rush of willing visitors for a couple of weeks each time!

I'm not an only child but my brother emigrated to New Zealand ten years ago.

I'm now building my network in the village I moved to a year ago. My kids are both grown and moved out so although I have them I don't see them much.

I began by taking in parcels etc for any neighbours. When dropping off/accepting I made sure to say I was new to the village and start some conversations.

This has paid off a bit as one neighbour recently was ill and found a great handyman whose details she gave me and he's done some great jobs for me.

I also went to a few coffee mornings and things locally and made a point of going round saying I'm new to the village what's good to do. I've met a lot of people, and had recommendations for exercise classes (yoga in the village hall etc) and the local choir which I've joined.

I wouldn't say I have a "family" but I am starting to have a "network" which is better than nothing.

That's sad you feel this way, I have a sibling but rarely see each other. My other half has a sibling who he only speaks to once or twice a year. I try and see parents once a week, life is busy with child, dog, hobbies and a few friends, rarely have time to think about future etc. sounds like you could do with some extra hobbies maybe?!

I am an only child. I have half siblings, but I’m no closer to them than I am the Evri delivery driver. Once our joint parent has passed, I will never see them again.
I very occasionally see one of my cousins, the others I never see.
I have children, but they are grown and I rarely see them, sadly. They are busy with work and partners.
Id like to split with my DH, but don’t for fear of being alone.
It’s hard when you try to meet up with people, but they are always too busy. I think hobbies and volunteering is the way forward.

I’m an only child and I know what you mean. Parents are also only children (one had a sister who died when she was very young) and it is very isolating. You can make good friends and cherish those friendships, but I don’t think you can create a family in that sense, no. (People will say they have friends who are family; I have some very good friends, but they have their own family ties etc). I think it’s best not to dwell on it and just focus on the positive relationships and friendships that you do have. (And remember that not all families are sweetness and light! My DH comes from a big family and never sees any of them as they have absolute nothing at all in common.)

Perhaps I’m a bit literal, but I think it would be better to refer to it as building a network rather than building a family because you will be putting a lot of pressure on social connections if you’re trying to turn them into family and that could become an obstacle to things growing organically.

Also if you look at it as building a network, you may realise you’re already better connected than you realised.

But I agree it’s always good to keep building relationships and shared hobbies and volunteering (perhaps particularly the latter) are a good way to do this.

Adult only child here. I'm a bit older than you. I have friends, plenty of people around me, but I am not their family. What has been transformative for me is accepting I don't have siblings and can't replicate that.

The very good friends I do have all have their own family of origin. I get duty invitations for Christmas etc but I understand now that they are duty invitations.

I have a couple of friends who are only children and they understand what it is like but they are in no way closer to me than my other friends. I made a good friend recently who I had assumed was an only child for various reasons but it turns out he has a sibling he is very close to.

I find the practicalities quite hard. I don't have a poa set up because I have nobody to act as poa. I am having some health concerns and there is nobody for me to put down as next of kin with the hospital. Previously I would have put a good friend down but now I understand my friends are not my family. In the 90s I was very much of the opinion that your friends are the family you choose.

You can build a strong support network but accepting that you don't have an equivalent to a family network is truly transformative.

You can have as many hobbies and volunteer roles as you like. People may feel like family but they are not.

I think that posters saying they have a sibling but never see them don't understand. Same with parents of only children who say they make sure their children have lots of friends. As though the difficulties of being an only child I have brought upon myself thanks to my poor social skills.

I have a good friend I made through volunteering a decade ago, we meet for lunch every week so it can be done. I also have other friends from volunteering but this chap does feel like family. Think about what you have an interest in for starters and then go from there. I have done a lot of voluntary work in my life. I retired and have tried four organisations so far. Two have lasted and now in second year of volunteering for both.

One lasted almost a year but effort to get there versus enjoyment wasn’t enough. The last one wasn’t for me. It was a very worthwhile charity assisting low income families with clothes, food and advice. But it was very badly run, I could tell as soon as I had been there for a session.

I have DCs and a DH, but my parents are no longer alive. I don't have any other family outside of my household as my F was also an only child and DM only had one much older sister who died long before I was born. I understand your feelings as it can feel incredibly lonely if I allow myself to dwell on having no (blood) family in the world except DCs, who are obviously dependent on me and it wouldn't be right to seek support from.

I have a solid group of friends, most of whom either emigrated so also don't have wider family outside their household here, they've moved so are a very long drive from family, or have also lost parents. We all really understand the value of a 'chosen family', and even though we struggle to meet up as often since all having DCs, when we do it is like we've never been apart. We know we can rely on each other for help, get advice, have a moan or share happy news when we need to. The latter is a particularly wonderful thing, as it is sad when you feel so proud of something and want to share it with others, but to do so outside of family is seen as OTT/bragging etc. I love hearing their happy news, and I can feel how genuinely pleased they are for me when I share mine/DCs.
My DM left me 2 Godmothers and her close friend, who I have good relationships with. They provide a link to my past and excellent advice from a different and more experienced perspective.
I get involved in my local community, building a strong network of friends and acquaintances, which in turn has helped my work (I'm self-employed). I have had various volunteer roles over the years, which are enjoyable in themselves but also give a feeling of belonging within your community. Volunteering often throws you together with others who are in a similar boat WRT a lack of family IME.

I have a sibling who has pretty much estranged me. She has lived abroad for a decade now.

I have a cousin who is an only child of a similar age she is the daughter of my mum's sister. My mother similarly estranged her sister, my aunt.

My aunt & cousin are both lovely and loving people they are now my preferred family over my sister and mother.

Was out of touch with my cousin for around 20 years but her and my life circumstances collided over the past 2 years. I was worried about her mum and reached out to my cousin.

She's been to visit us last weekend we had a brilliant time. It was somewhat bittersweet as I have incurable cancer so it might be the last time we spend happy times together.

OP find your tribe. I have some relatively new (2 years) but solid friends who have really been there for me, whereas other longstanding friends haven't

Rather than thinking of building a family, maybe think about building a rich and rewarding life - the friendships will follow.

Thank you everyone.

I think I do need to think of it more as building a network rather than a family. I think perhaps I am trying to think of it as 'family' because I feel so deficient in not having something that most people have. 😢 I feel really sad, because I think I am a kind, thoughtful and caring person, but I don't have a lot of places I can direct those qualities, if you see what I mean.

@PaulaTrilloe I am so sorry to hear about your cancer. May I send my good wishes to you.

OP, I feel you need to ask yourself why you think you need a "family" and why you are so scared of being alone. We all need to develop independence and resilience, because none of us can assume that we'll always have people around to look after us/bail us out. Yes, it's nice to have the company of good friends, but we all need to plan for life alone, at some stage - and realise that that could be fun too.

I know what you mean. My and DH are quite isolated in many ways. We do each have a couple of friends and I do have some family in the same city. But my cousin's are all men, 15 to 20 years older than me. They have no interest in my life, partly as they've got their own wives and grown up kids/step kids. Also I think because they are men! If they were women, having a family wouldn't have stopped them including me in things I'm sure of it!
Volunteering is a really nice idea. Also if there are any vulnerable or elderly neighbours, make an effort to offer them help, bring them a hot meal, do some shopping? You could set up your own hobby group or do a film night or something locally if there are a few gaps in local activities?
If there isn't one already could you organise a local pub quiz for example?
It's great you want to expand your friendships and help people as well. Lots of people I think would like to make new friends as adults but it can be difficult now with everyone glued to their phone!

Thank you, you make good points.

I think what I am missing from not having family is anywhere to turn for emotional or practical support. It's like @Onlyonlyonly says about having nobody as next of kin or to be able to set up a POA (although I appreciate I have my partner which I am very grateful for). But what would happen if my partner died. Who would I turn to in my grief? There are some things that are just too tough to face alone.

May I ask you please @Onlyonlyonly do you feel happy in life despite the lack of family? I am worried that I will never feel happy again. I want to be happy, but I feel I can't allow myself to be because of what I am missing. If that makes any sense at all!

I’m older than you but have made a conscious effort as an adult to stay in touch with school and university friends even though I now live hours from them. I also have a good network of friends who are the parents of my children’s friends. I volunteer at my kids activities and make the effort to chat to everyone and anyone!

I'm an only child too. I have a huge extended family but they all live (literally) on the other side of the world and we never see each other. I wouldn't recognise most of them if they walked past me in the street.

I have to say being lonely isn't something I've ever worried about - while I see my parents regularly, my social life and close relationships aren't really anything to do with them or with me being an only.

I found dog ownership to be a great way to meet like minded people and have made some wonderful friends that way. It also forces you to get out of the house and people always talk to you if you have a dog.

It's probably unhelpful but I would try and get out of the mindset that it's being an only child that's the issue - I know so many people who have nothing to do with their siblings and having them is certainly no guarantee that you won't be lonely.

Everyone is responsible for building their own support systems - whether that's nurturing existing family relationships or building new friendships. You just have to get yourself out there and make it happen - ideally by doing something you enjoy in the process.

I see what you mean. It's probably not having children which is my real issue. I do wish I had some.

Only child, parents both deceased.
I have a DH, 2 DC and 2 DSC.
DH is one of 7 but there are sibling related issues with some.My in laws are considerably older than me so don’t have lots in common (other reasons as well).

I think it’s inevitable that you will spend a certain amount of time alone if you have limited family especially thinking about potentially being widowed and DC having their own lives etc.

One strategy is coming to terms with this and developing coping strategies, as opposed to trying to make friendships out of nowhere or trying to find the answers in a hobby or activity. Not saying that anyone shouldn’t try these things but be aware that they may not be the answer.

I think we should make most of the here and now, for example my DH is retired and I work pt so we have several holidays a year which we couldn’t do when the DC were young as had no money and were tied to factory shutdown weeks. This may stop any time due to health issues or anything really, so we make the most of it.

I would say I was fairly independent, which is part of being an only child, also I don’t mind my own company which helps. I supposed there isn’t really a solution!

Mostly I do feel happy. I have the odd moment. I have struggled with this for many years. I remember as a child wishing a childless family member would have some children because that would have meant close family for me.

Times when people are with their families are hard. I have a huge dining table but I've recently decided not to bother replacing my falling-to-bits kitchen because the huge family gatherings I would be catering for in my head don't exist.

I can't say I am happy all the time but I am most of the time. I think people on here trivialise this issue and make out that if you had better social skills you would not struggle as an adult only child and that's not really understanding the issues involved.

It's important to try to be positive and not let it get you down. Focus on meeting people and being a good friend. Keep yourself busy but don't be afraid to take a moment to reflect and feel sad if you need to.

It is very hard and nobody really acknowledges that.

I'm an only but I've had kids. I've made a real effort to make close friends through activities but mostly it's the parents of my kids friends.

What do you do in your spare time? What do you enjoy? Are you sociable?
IME tapping into your interests provides people who share your hobbies and can develop into good friendships and networks. I have communities that I could definitely grow into stronger relationships if I'd time. Theatre groups (being in an am drama play is very bonding), sports teams, church, volunteering. I do all these things and have my people in each. I've also a bunch of kids and school mum friends who are my primary support. I do have family, but they're further away.