Building a ‘family’ as an adult only child

[Starfish89]

I am an adult (late 30s) only child and I was wondering if anyone else is in the same situation and feels the same about having little family or support network?

I have a lovely partner (which I feel very lucky for). We don’t have any children though and he is also an only child. I have one good friend (also an only child) and I get on well with my work colleagues. My parents are still alive, but obviously that sadly won’t be the case forever.

I just worry so much about the future. Our network feels so small. I dread anything happening to my partner and being on my own. Although hopefully I would still have my good friend. I dread getting older with nobody around us too.
Is there anything we can do? Without wishing to sound boastful or anything, I think I am quite a nice person. I’m kind and thoughtful, it’s just that I don’t have a lot of places to direct my love.

Is there any way I can build a ‘family’ for us? Maybe through voluntary work / getting involved with a charity. Something like that. I don’t want to have children because I don’t want them to be in the same position with very little family.

p.s May I kindly ask please that this thread isn’t taken over by parents of only children saying that I am making them feel bad for having only children. That’s not what I am setting out to do. My experience obviously doesn’t mean your children will feel the same when they are older. I am just looking for some advice or help regarding the situation I am in. It has a big impact on my life worrying about this. Thank you.

I'm sorry you feel so low, there are no easy answers. 💐you could consider counselling

I have considered this, but would I be a 'fraud' if I was doing it for the wrong reasons? i.e to have a community round me rather than because of any beliefs as such?

Thank you, that's kind. I am feeling incredibly low. Counselling is probably something I should consider.

No. A middle of the road CofE church generally very much accepts its role in the community. We welcome people who just want community, we serve the community. Faith conversation is always available if you want to know more, but everyone is welcome- you can spend the next fifty years pondering what you believe and no one will worry.

Your average Christian will have days when they wonder what they believe. For us, going to church anyway is part of faith.

Go to a few, see what feels comfortable, what they offer to get involved with. You’ll run from some and want to revisit others. You’ll gradually choose! If somewhere feels almost right, give it another go. You could have picked a bad day. We have a team of leaders and some days are cheerful, some days are academically interesting, others are challenging. It all depends what combination of leaders and theme you get.

Churches are also very good with grief. It’s a place that acknowledges life can difficult.

You're not the only one in this position. When I had my DC I swore that they wouldn't have the same insular upbringing I'd had but it's hard. All you can do is cultivate what relationships you can.

It might not be a bad idea to look at counselling if it's really getting you down.

I think you can build a network certainly. Both dh and I are only children. 3 of 4 parents still alive but 2 are abroad. We do have children and I really struggled when they were young with no family support. We have build up a great network of friends but it's not family. For example we would have loved to have been able to build up a babysitting circle but everyone we know has family to do it so they aren't interested in that and will offer to babysit our children but then never want the favour reciprocated as they don't need it so I feel guilty to ask.

I find christmas hard as I am so grateful for our little family but I am jealous of everybody else's seemingly big family gatherings over Christmas, birthdays, new year, Easter etc.

I'm so incredibly sad. I think I would have been a good family member if I had had the chance.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts all. I will take them and try to decide what I am going to do with my life.

I'm an only child and a bit of a loner. I've made an effort to join in stuff locally, book group, church. Have made friends in both and the church people especially are lovely. It was them who helped me after a recent operation, even people I don't know very well. Working in a local shop has meant I meet a lot of local people. I've never been close to family (both location and emotionally), but accept this and have found alternatives.

Thank you @Pocketfullofdogtreats That sounds a bit more positive! I think maybe a church is the way forward for me. I am just worried it will be really family orientated. What I dream of is belonging to a nice network of people who I can offer my help, love and care to when they require assistance, and also to have a network I can fall back on should the need arise.

Like a family in a sense, without being an actual family.

p.s @Pocketfullofdogtreats Your username is very cute!

My church is like this.
On Mothering Sunday we acknowledge those who have never had children, have lost children, or have difficulty with their relationships with their mother, for example.

Obviously there will be times when it hits a sore point, but that is inevitable everywhere perhaps.

As someone with the more usual complements of extended family that carries with it a lot of difficulty, I don’t have the freedom to invest in the friendships and networks I would like to.

I can’t host friends/neighbours at Christmas because I’m accommodating my exceptionally demanding mother. I can’t go on holiday with friends without getting extended grief from my mother about spending my time with other people while she feels like she has no family [because I’m so neglectful…]

I know you mentioned earlier about knowing families are no guarantee, but it’s more than that. Family can be an obstacle to other relationships.

@Starfish89 - I mean this kindly, but it sounds as though you are writing off some of the suggestions without actually trying them. There isn't any quick fix here, it's probably going to take a bit of a mindset change and some years of trying things, whether that is some different churches, some hobbies, interests, community groups. Please don't write off your life, you are not yet 40!

I see what you mean @SensibleSigma Thank you for sharing and I am sorry to hear of your difficulties with your mother.

Ah I am sorry if I am coming across that way. I certainly don't meant to and am grateful for all the responses I have received. I think somewhere within me, I do feel as though I can work my way though all this and find some happiness again. It's just that, as you say, it will take time and work.

Hi op! I’m a fellow only married to an only with basically no extended family.

I have also wrangled with the thoughts you are having, I’ve had a great, people filled life generally though.its only since turning 40 it’s hit me what older life may be like. Also struggled on if to have kids or not, and chose not to, but had a last roll of the dice and miscarried recently. I’m 42 now so that is likely that. On the kids front, it sounds like you are more certain so I’d recommend trying and see what happens, you’ve certainly time to have a couple if that’s what you want?

I’ve always found joining sports things a good way to make friends - running clubs and the gym have both given me lots of great friendships and also continue to give me new people to meet. Are you sporty at all?

the other thing is a good local pub, I’ve made lots of friends simply by going to the pub!

I think what you need is a really good set of friends, and how you find those people depends on what you enjoy, how you like to spend your time etc. I am not an only child and feel very lucky to have a huge family, but I also have an amazing group of friends who truly are like family to me. I turn to them for advice/support etc just as much as I turn to my sister or my mum for example, we’re incredibly close and see each other all the time, always in contact, all pitch in whenever one of us is in trouble, I genuinely feel like I have 11 other sisters and now 9 other brothers as well as they most are married/with partners (and feel very lucky for this). Some of them I’ve known since I was a child but others I’ve met along the way at things like running club and baby group. Then we have DH’s friends which are basically what we call “his side of the family” because his actual family is very small and not close at all, so then on that side we have another 7 people who do truly feel like family, see our child all the time, ask after us, we go for food/coffees/walks etc with them all the time. All of those people do genuinely feel like family to us, so it is possible to replicate something similar for yourself if you just know where to look to find them. Good luck x

Thank you @ConfusedCrab It's good to find someone in the same situation. I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriage.

Have you and your partner chatted about the future and being quite alone in terms of family? Do you have a lot of anxiety around it, or is it something you manage to control?

I am not particularly sporty, but neither am I absolutely against sports (if that makes sense). I probably could take a sport up.

I think I would have been a good family member if I had had the chance.

I do mean this kindly - but you are making the assumption that you’d have liked the members of this family. That you’d have wanted to spend time together. And it doesn’t always work like that. Whenever I get wistful about not having siblings, I’m told firmly by both my DH and a good friend that I could - like them - have had siblings I disliked and chose to avoid. In the same way that I could have had a brilliant relationship with my mother….if we’d been different people….

That is very true. It could go both ways. I just find it hard watching some people I know from school etc having children who are around the same age as their sibling's children and sharing nice family days out with the cousins. That's the sort of thing I wish I could have been part of.

I had my one child in a different country to all my family, and after I’d moved away from all my friends. I think you need to think separately about whether you want a child, assuming that this child isn’t born into a scenario of idyllic ‘nice family days out’. If you have a child you will have to build him or her an environment to grow up in. It’s perfectly possible, but it takes work.

It sounds to me like you’ve got a bit stuck in this mindset OP & it’s really holding you back. You seem to really beat yourself up & seem quite paralysed by regret. I think counselling would be really beneficial for you to help you to get what you want out of life. As another poster said, don’t write yourself off yet!

I have family but I also have close friends who are as close as sisters. Families aren't always people you want to be around. Mine is but you hear about so much drama.

I definitely agree with finding your people. There's so many opportunities to build a social network.

I don't suppose you've ever considered fostering? I would have now dcs have grown but dh wouldn't.

Are you on Facebook? There's lots of social groups on there. I run a few myself. I'm mega sociable though 🙂

Helping neighbours can build a network. Many older people don’t have family nearby but have neighbours who look out for them. Maybe in future buy a house where you can rent out part of it or have lodgers. There are schemes where elderly people let a room at a reduced rate in return for care and companionship so there are options even when you are older and even if they are based partly on a financial relationship. Maybe live in a big city centre with lots going on and not somewhere which is suburban and family orientated. It doesn’t have to be church or sport it could be volunteering for a charity or theatre. many places depend on a community of volunteers. there are also ND women’s groups online and increasingly in person where you may feel you fit in.

I'm an only child, of older parents, who were only children. I do have an adult son who is in the forces, so we don't see each other often.
I have been single for a long time, 10+ yrs.. I feel that growing up as an only child helped me be happy in my own company, something I relish. I have a handful of close friends and wfh. I don't feel that I missed out. I am happy at social events, but also happy doing my own thing - some people have large families, lots of drama, fallings out etc.
I'm more than happy with how my life within an exceedingly small family has been