Building a ‘family’ as an adult only child

[Starfish89]

I am an adult (late 30s) only child and I was wondering if anyone else is in the same situation and feels the same about having little family or support network?

I have a lovely partner (which I feel very lucky for). We don’t have any children though and he is also an only child. I have one good friend (also an only child) and I get on well with my work colleagues. My parents are still alive, but obviously that sadly won’t be the case forever.

I just worry so much about the future. Our network feels so small. I dread anything happening to my partner and being on my own. Although hopefully I would still have my good friend. I dread getting older with nobody around us too.
Is there anything we can do? Without wishing to sound boastful or anything, I think I am quite a nice person. I’m kind and thoughtful, it’s just that I don’t have a lot of places to direct my love.

Is there any way I can build a ‘family’ for us? Maybe through voluntary work / getting involved with a charity. Something like that. I don’t want to have children because I don’t want them to be in the same position with very little family.

p.s May I kindly ask please that this thread isn’t taken over by parents of only children saying that I am making them feel bad for having only children. That’s not what I am setting out to do. My experience obviously doesn’t mean your children will feel the same when they are older. I am just looking for some advice or help regarding the situation I am in. It has a big impact on my life worrying about this. Thank you.

Big thanks again for everyone sharing their thoughts. Re Foster caring, it is something I have considered, but I think I probably am not mentally strong enough and I don't think it is something my partner would enjoy at all unfortunately.

I know it's ridiculous but I think my dream scenario is to be one of these people who give birth to a baby having had no idea they were pregnant. Then I wouldn't have had the chance to worry about anything, the baby would just arrive!

It sounds like you might have some anxiety. I recommend going to talk the GP about your fears and panic etc to see what they recommend.

Op if you want children then what is stopping you? At under 40 you're likely not too old. I'm an only child and im not close with my parents. I do get sad about not having much family and wish it was different, but I chose to make my own family. I have two DCs and love having my own little family. We also make a big effort with friendships and are very good friends with some couples with similar age children. No, not quite the same as aunts, uncles and cousins but close, we go on days out and holidays with them and share special occasions.

If it makes you feel any better my DH and I are both one of two siblings and we still feel the same as you. Both our siblings are very selfish and uninterested (and in one case lives abroad), we both have cousins and extended families who don’t seem to have any interest and we’re both quite introverted so have a very small circle of friends. It’s something I want to work on too, extending our network, but we’re going through a tough period (the latest over a number of years to do with work, health, death etc) and can’t seem to come up for air to make it happen. It’s hard.

I'm similar.

Very few biological relatives.

That's why I had DCs tbh.

If you are active in your community then friendships will follow. As an example at my child's school one of the mums is super close with an older lady who she met out dog walking after she relocated to the village. From hellos, to chats, to coffee and regular meet ups. This lady has become her children's "bonus granny" and picks them up from school every week. The friendship just bloomed out of two people connecting into real family ties. It's lovely

OP have you discussed these fears with your partner? How does he feel about having children?

It does feel like anxiety is the root cause stopping you from having children of your own? If so, please get some counselling on this. I can't pretend I haven't had similar worries about who would look after my children, but life is precious and short and you cannot let these fears stop you from living the life you want.

You say you would love to be pregnant without knowing, I think this is so telling and reflects that you do want it in your heart if you could just manage your anxiety appropriately. Have you read the book "feel the fear and do it anyway?"

If you really don't want to go down the children route, you need some counselling to accept and make peace with that. As for finding companionship and friends in religion, the vast majority of attendees at church, mosques, temples do so for the sense of belonging, they are not there preaching and talking about God 24/7. You are overthinking this part.

Thank you again everyone for the replies.

@nodogz That relationship sounds lovely. I would be delighted if I could have something like that in my life.

@Dreamsaregood No I haven't yet discussed these fears with my partner. I know I need to do it soon though. Thank you for your advice, I appreciate it.

Hello, would you like to DM me? I am in almost exactly your position, late thirties, only child, no parents or children and a partner. I do have cousins but they are not perfect relationships. I would love to have a 'family network'. I would be happy to chat, as we sound like we're in really similar situations. Hope you are feeling okay and take care.

Adult only child here. As well as making new friends, I also to keep in touch with my closest old friends, because your relationship is inevitably different when someone’s known you since you were 18, for example. If you’ve let some of your old friendships drift, perhaps it’s time to reconnect?
We use WhatsApp and SM to keep in touch as we’re scattered.

I’m 50 and the handful of old school and uni friends whom I’m in touch with are very supportive. I also have newer friends in my area, but the old ones are important.

I have a sibling who has pretty much estranged me. She has lived abroad for a decade now.

I can relate to this. It makes me sad because when we were younger (20's) we got on really well, partied together etc.. She married the wrong man and it has left her embittered.

I married and divorced too but don't blame him for it not working out. Just got on with my life. We both have adult kids.

Sibling relationships can be strange. She was the golden child, but I feel I ended up with a richer friendship group, which has made her jealous of me. I don't know.

Family dynamics, eh?!

Actually, you know that feeling of being lonely in a crowded room? That’s what it’s like having a difficult family. I have cried many a Christmas because my parents and siblings are rubbish. Quietly where no one can see, obviously! 😁

That's a good suggestion - I do have some people I was friends with at college who I would love to reconnect with - I just don't know how.

Look them up on social media? Ask anyone you do still have contacts for if they have contact details for your old friends?

I found a very old friend whom I’d lost touch with in the 1990s recently by finding her daughter (whom I’d never met, but whose very unusual name I remembered) on a professional website and asking her to pass on my email if her mother remembered me and would like to be in touch. She did and were having a drink next week.

What stands out from your OP for me is how much you are looking for other people to support you, to help you, to replace something you feel you haven’t got. I’m sure if you put your energy into hobbies, volunteering, helping others, noticing and making an effort to involve lonely or slightly socially awkward people and being the person who hosts you would find that happened organically.

I think the suggestion of counselling is a really good one and it’s great that you’re prepared to give church a try. Certainly at my church we provide lots of opportunities for people to help in ways that bring them together and close friendships are often made between unlikely people including different ages, backgrounds, income, race etc. Doing helpful things together takes the pressure off.

Our faith community fulfils this role for us. There are opportunities to serve and to be taken care of too. We enjoy social time together and have shared values.

We all bring children into the world to fulfill our own needs. Nobody has children altruistically!
Have children! Stop overthinking and have children. More than one.

I have two and have never made a will saying who will look after them.

You will not only make yourself happier but enhance your parents lives too.
You will meet other parents if children and expand your network that way.

Seriously, your reasons not to have children are silly.

It is hard, and you’re wise to think ahead. The only thing I’d add is that not all parents have their children near them as they get older, whether by choice or circumstances. Have you delved into Ageing Well Without Children? They can me a miseryfest at times, on Facebook, but are on the ball generally, for both men and women https://www.awwoc.org

We are actually still in contact via email but only once or twice a year. I just wish we were communicating more frequently, but I don't know how to initiate that.

You’re overthinking this - have a few kids - you still have time!
I’m an only child whose mum died when I was young - I had two kids in my late 20s and feel very much a family. My husband does have lots of siblings so my kids do have lots of cousins though - they do live a long way away though !

Thank you, I've had a look at them but you are right about their Facebook page being a miseryfest. I joined a few weeks ago but had to leave as it made me so depressed.

I see what you mean, but my life wouldn't be happier if I were to have a severely disabled child who I worried about for the rest of my life (as well as what would happen to them after I die).

Thank you @TheProvincialLady You make very good points there. I would love to give back to other people.