Building a ‘family’ as an adult only child

[Starfish89]

I am an adult (late 30s) only child and I was wondering if anyone else is in the same situation and feels the same about having little family or support network?

I have a lovely partner (which I feel very lucky for). We don’t have any children though and he is also an only child. I have one good friend (also an only child) and I get on well with my work colleagues. My parents are still alive, but obviously that sadly won’t be the case forever.

I just worry so much about the future. Our network feels so small. I dread anything happening to my partner and being on my own. Although hopefully I would still have my good friend. I dread getting older with nobody around us too.
Is there anything we can do? Without wishing to sound boastful or anything, I think I am quite a nice person. I’m kind and thoughtful, it’s just that I don’t have a lot of places to direct my love.

Is there any way I can build a ‘family’ for us? Maybe through voluntary work / getting involved with a charity. Something like that. I don’t want to have children because I don’t want them to be in the same position with very little family.

p.s May I kindly ask please that this thread isn’t taken over by parents of only children saying that I am making them feel bad for having only children. That’s not what I am setting out to do. My experience obviously doesn’t mean your children will feel the same when they are older. I am just looking for some advice or help regarding the situation I am in. It has a big impact on my life worrying about this. Thank you.

Thank you @Onlyonlyonly I think you are definitely right about people trivialising the issues involved. I too find it very hard. In fact it's almost paralysing some days. I feel very lost if I am honest and sometimes struggle to understand the point or purpose of my life or why things have turned out like this.

I will definitely focus on meeting people and being a good friend. I think perhaps I need to find more friends who are in a similar position regarding lack of family, as they are more likely to be looking for similar connections.

Yes, this. I have siblings, but we’re not at all close (two live on the other side of the world), and they’ve never featured strongly in my sense of my own social resources. I met some nice people through DS’s friends, but those were very much situational friendships which are fading somewhat now the boys are older. I am, however, someone who’s always worked on seeking out and building friendships — I’ve moved around a lot, so I need to be quite pro-active about it. I move to a new place, look around and think ‘What do I like doing/what are the opportunities offered by here that would be a good way to meet the kind of people I like?’ That has been anything from writing groups, to boatbuilding, litterpicking, a cinema club, hillwalking. Or just being open to chance encounters, or friends from elsewhere saying ‘You might like X, who lives in your city.’

Fine something you enjoy and participate or volunteer.

Mine is rowing, I had to move to a new area (no choice, didn't want to) and had to start from scratch.

Got involved in a club, joined the committee and have a rowing family. Some have become friends but there is always somewhere to go

I work in a service that the elderly access. Most of the people I see maybe see their kids once or twice a month and grandchildren even less. It's their activities and friendships that combat loneliness. Books, crafts, gardening, walking and social clubs. Lunches or a cup of tea in cafes. Shopping together.

There's no reason not to build up friendships but you have no idea what the future holds. Most of the elderly people I know made their friends post retirement.

I think you’re being over sensitive, you have a Mum, and a Dad and a partner. That’s a lot more than some people ever have. Are your parents particularly old? If you’re only late 30’s I’m guessing they’re late 60’s? But could be older at late 70s? My Mum is 77 and is my only emotional support. Whilst I have siblings and we get on, I would never confide or rely on them emotionally or practically.

If the only reason you’re not having children is because you don’t want them to be in the same position, then that’s bonkers. You sound like a lovely person and sounds like you want children. I had mine in my late 30s and that is the one thing that would give you a larger family or network. Don’t not have them because you worry about them being in their own. My Mum, DH and BFF are all only children and they’re the chattiest, most sociable people I know.

Thank you. I get what you mean, but there are some practical considerations. For example, if I had a child, I would have to, in my will, state who would look after that child should I die before they are 18. There isn't anyone. My parents are early 70s.

I also worry terribly about having a child with additional needs (the type that require life long care). I'd never cope with the guilt and fear of leaving them all alone in the world when I pass.

OP, you sound very thoughtful and sensitive. I think sometimes that can stop us from doing the things that we really want to do, whereas others just plunge in without thinking so much about all the what-ifs. It also sounds like it is stopping you enjoying the relationships you do have in your life (DP, DPs, DFriend) because you are worried about what might happen to them. I would really recommend seeing a therapist to talk through some of these feelings, especially about having kids. I think it would be a huge shame if you wanted kids and didn't have them because of what might happen.

I see what you mean. It's probably not having children which is my real issue. I do wish I had some.

What's the reason for you not having children? Is that something that can or will change?

I wouldn't fall into the trap of thinking children will help with loneliness though.

Thank you, Yes, I think you are right. Some people would just jump right in and not give it much thought. But I feel that bringing a new life into the world is such a huge decision. Life isn't easy for anyone, but if you are going to bring them into circumstances that may make their life even more challenging, is it really 'fair'.

Loneliness, feeling vulnerable without a family network are horrible feelings to experience. I know because it eats me up inside every single day. Would I want to create new life to possibly experience the same. I can't frame it in my mind as anything other than selfish.

The reasons are not having given it enough thought when I was younger and having only met a suitable partner later in life.

It's unlikely to change sadly. I can't bring a child into the world just to serve my own needs.

Church and hosting. Be the person to invite people over.

Fostering/mentoring. Plenty of young people need a family too. Lots of youngsters leave care without an older wiser family member to guide them along.

Many women with small children- twins and triplets especially- need support. There’s an organisation in my area that supports families to stay together, preempting social services support.

You want a family, so why not have a family? It’s not too late to have a child, or 2 even, perhaps, at late 30s. Why not give it a try?
It’s very unlikely both you and your DH would die before the child was 18, so worrying what to put on your will for that eventuality is not a good reason to deny yourself the joy of motherhood!

@Onlyonlyonly - just responding to this:

“I find the practicalities quite hard. I don't have a poa set up because I have nobody to act as poa. I am having some health concerns and there is nobody for me to put down as next of kin with the hospital. Previously I would have put a good friend down but now I understand my friends are not my family. In the 90s I was very much of the opinion that your friends are the family you choose.”

Are you sure none of your friends could do this for you? I hold POAs for a dear friend of mine who was unexpectedly widowed and has no family in the UK. You might have a friend who could fulfil this role perhaps?

I hope your health issues reach a good resolution ASAP.

I have two siblings, one who moved far enough away to never see regularly, and the other who lives nearby but we see far less than our friends. They are nice people, but I certainly wouldn't rely on either of them for any support in any circumstance.

Our "support network" locally comes from our friendship group.

Obviously this is stating the obvious but it sounds like you need some friends, not more family.

Oh OP, your post resonated with me. I'm an only, but I was lucky to meet my husband when I was quite young and we had what would now be considered a large family. This was very much a conscious decision on our part - I do understand your feelings of isolation.

As others have suggested, I think that therapy might help you to work through your feelings. You sound lovely, you say you'd like children, it might not be too late. The things you worry about in the future may never happen. Your parents might live very long lives, you could meet new friends if you had children. No one can predict the future.

Equally if you remain child free, have you considered where you live? I haven't read every post, so I'm
not sure where you are. However, I've lived everywhere from cities, to small towns to villages and I've found that the easiest setting in which to make friends is a larger village with lots of activities, walking groups, yoga, art classes etc. I also agree with others that it's easier to make friends this way in retirement, which is a long way off for you. I do also second church, volunteering and dog ownership for making friends at any age!

I'd like you to wish you all the very best: although there are many positives to being an only child ( I loved it as a child) the sense of isolation that you describe is very valid.

“SensibleSigma · Today 12:09
Church and hosting. Be the person to invite people over.

Fostering/mentoring. Plenty of young people need a family too. Lots of youngsters leave care without an older wiser family member to guide them along.

Many women with small children- twins and triplets especially- need support. There’s an organisation in my area that supports families to stay together, preempting social services support.”

Very good advice here.

Given the intensity of your grief, do you think it might be bound up with the decision not to have DCs and feeling that you may be reaching the point of no return on that? (I know many women who have had DCs in mid to late 30s (including myself) and early 40s but you seem very certain you aren’t going to have DCs).

I have various friends (some in couples, some not) who for different reasons have been unable to or have not wanted to have DCs. Some of them have done activities such as mentoring or other socially supportive activities and got a great deal from them.

Don't the vast, vast majority of people have children to serve their own needs, though? Nobody has a child for altruistic reasons

I think you’re worrying too much. If you died, your partner would have them. If you both died, I don’t know…but I have three brothers, so if me and my DH died I would have no idea who would have mine. One brother lives abroad, one wouldn’t step up in a million years, and one is an utter idiot.

My point is, siblings and large family aren’t the be all and end all. Even if you had them doesn’t mean you’d all be like the Waltons.

Again, don’t not have children based on ‘what if we both die’. Millions of mothers don’t have anyone who could swoop in and raise their children if a tragic accident should occur. All my friends had kids in their mid / late thirties and all their parents are either dead or in their 70s. I don’t think your scenario is any different to the average woman in her late 30s.

I think I blame myself for the situation I find myself in. I should have thought a lot more about this when I was younger, but for some reason I just didn't. I don't think I had much confidence to pursue relationships when I was younger. And now I feel I will pay the price for my stupidity until the day I die. I feel sad for what could have been. Although I do recognise that partnering up early and having children would have guaranteed happiness.

I suspect perhaps that I may to some degree be neurodivergent. I seem to find life a bit 'harder' than other people, although I of course appreciate that everyone faces challenges. I've felt a bit 'unusual' all my life in the sense that I seem to take longer than other people to embrace different stages and changes in life. I am not sure if I am explaining it well. Participating in a sexual relationship just wasn't something I could comprehend when I was younger and now the years have passed me by. I am also very squeamish. The thought of blood, operations, medical procedures (all the things associated with having a baby!) make me feel extreme panic. I had some blood tests recently and had a panic attack. The nurses were kind, but I could tell they were thinking I wasn't 'normal'.

So yeah, I can't imagine ever having a baby, but I don't want to be 'alone' in life either. I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I know what you mean. I think I filled that gap by having several children. I didn't want my children to be onlies and they do get on well to date.

I also had that fear of what would happen if I died when they were young, but fortunately now the eldest 2 are adults and the others soon to follow, so it's no longer an issue. And at least they would have had each other.

What about extended family? DH and I are expats here in the UK and when we arrived we were put in touch with one of his cousins who is living here as well - she is now godmother to our son and she is named to look after our DC if we were to die.

Sadly we have no extended family - neither of us have cousins.

I'm sad that I have been going along with my life for the last nearly 40 years working hard, trying to be a decent person, only be slapped in the face by this horrible realisation now. I don't know what it has all been for if I am honest.

You could consider joining a religion? Many people feel very connected and loved by the religious communities they are part of, marking those special religious occasions with massive get togethers and finding peace/acceptance