Building a ‘family’ as an adult only child

[Starfish89]

I am an adult (late 30s) only child and I was wondering if anyone else is in the same situation and feels the same about having little family or support network?

I have a lovely partner (which I feel very lucky for). We don’t have any children though and he is also an only child. I have one good friend (also an only child) and I get on well with my work colleagues. My parents are still alive, but obviously that sadly won’t be the case forever.

I just worry so much about the future. Our network feels so small. I dread anything happening to my partner and being on my own. Although hopefully I would still have my good friend. I dread getting older with nobody around us too.
Is there anything we can do? Without wishing to sound boastful or anything, I think I am quite a nice person. I’m kind and thoughtful, it’s just that I don’t have a lot of places to direct my love.

Is there any way I can build a ‘family’ for us? Maybe through voluntary work / getting involved with a charity. Something like that. I don’t want to have children because I don’t want them to be in the same position with very little family.

p.s May I kindly ask please that this thread isn’t taken over by parents of only children saying that I am making them feel bad for having only children. That’s not what I am setting out to do. My experience obviously doesn’t mean your children will feel the same when they are older. I am just looking for some advice or help regarding the situation I am in. It has a big impact on my life worrying about this. Thank you.

But the chances of that are really tiny! The fact that it figures in your decision making shows that the problem isn't lack of family, it is a deeper general anxiety.

I hope I am not coming across harshly- if you were here if be putting my arm around you and giving you a hug.

You are massively over thinking everything.

I have a disabled child. It’s far from easy but I would have him again. The joy outweighs the challenges (which are largely about the dire state of the NHS and education system rather than my child himself).

This sounds wonderful - definitely the sort of community I'd like.

That's nice to hear. I think I would just constantly worry about my child's future though.

Thank you and I agree that I am anxiety ridden. Possibly having children would make my anxiety even worse, even if they were entirely healthy.

Agree with this. What would (if you had one) that family do. How often would you see them and what for and what role would you see them as performing for you? What role would you perform for them. It’s interesting as I’m an only married to an only and I’ve never thought that way.

I think it's both practical and existential (meaning belonging and connection).

Do you have children, may I ask?

Just to add another layer to your ‘things to worry about’ list…

I have DC and have been a foster carer to four other DC. Despite my best efforts, and having given them really good grounding, I don’t think any of them will have children. So I’ve still not managed to avoid the ‘wishing I had a bigger family’ fear!

The family I do have (older sibs, in-laws and parents) are awful. My sons are amazing but almost certainly permanently single. I’m sad about that.

I’m gonna need a lot more pot plants and pets.

I think this is so wrong.

OP I understand exactly what you mean about not having anywhere to direct your qualities. Most of us are built for family. Most of us cannot feel OK in isolation. It's natural, and you have built your little family with your partner.
Traditionally those without blood relatives would have found community and family in a plave of worship and that's still available.
If that is not for you, then would you consider moving to a place with a strong sense of community? We live in a lovely village, such a contrast with London. Our neighbours are great.

If not have you thought of joining a choir? They ate great for community.

Thank you @Commonsense22 I do like the idea of being part of a church especially if it had volunteering opportunities and trips I could go away on, that kind of thing. It is as much about wanting somewhere to direct my qualities (kindness, thoughtfulness etc - I hope I don't sound like I am blowing my own trumpet!) as much as it is wishing for some security and belonging for myself.

A choir does appeal too. I love singing. I am not great, but probably not entirely terrible either!

I am currently sat by myself in a park doing some reflection. Families with children are walking past me all the time. I don't currently feel sad though, just different. It's a funny place to be.

Yes, she is an only child.

I am slightly different to you though to be fair, I was a mistake and my parents hated each other , my mum treated me as her surrogate partner so my view of family is a bit skewed. I do have loads and loads of cousins, don't have or want anything to do with them as they aren't very nice. So perhaps I equate family with shitty people and why would I want more of them!

Quite a few people have given thanks to my original post. Does that mean there are more of us in this position than I might think?

I’m single with one child I have 50:50 with my ex.

I don’t have any family, well some are alive but they’re unpleasant and dysfunctional and wouldn’t add anything nice to my life. It does worry me a bit and I find Xmas and other occasions hard but it’s out of my control so I try not to let it bother me.

Marking for later.

I just have an elderly mother left , I have family but I haven't seen them in 30yrs due to an estrangement and living abroad ( them )

I have friends but I can't lie I find the lack of connection to a proper family really tough , when my friends go home it's to family , for me it's alone .

I'd love to meet others in the same situation .

It really sounds to me like you would love to be a Mum. I understand your fears about your child being isolated and about disability but try to remember that none of use know what's around the corner and you cannot plan all of your life on what ifs.

I think part of the issue is that I don't know if I want to be a Mum as such or whether it's just a way to feel connection and try to avoid lonliness.

Hi @Starfish89 I'm an only and married. No kids (not by choice, I wasn't able to conceive). My brother in law has special needs so my husband is more like an only in some ways. My closest friend is a childless only too. I do have cousins but they are distant, have their own families and I rarely see them. I'm worried about the future too. I'm older than you and my plan is to find a community to settle and grow old in, make connections there - and hope for the best. There are more of us than we might think. All the best to you.

The problem you have is everyone will always put their own flesh and blood first, the vast majority of the time.

Thank you. You sound very similar to me. I wish I could manage my anxiety around this. I hope to move to some kind of retirement community when I am older, however they cost a fortune and I am worried about not having enough money.

I wish you all the best too.

I know. Deep down I recognise that my life is basically screwed and there are no solutions.

Wouldn't go that far.

And yet you’re a healthy, solvent 40 year old with a partner you’re happy with, parents, and a good friend and some less close ones. That’s a lot.

Honestly, OP, I think your attitude is your only problem here, and that’s fixable, with therapy and work. Your beliefs about family coming before all, and your own family-less status being some kind of lifelong curse that casts you out of networks are limiting you, as is your anxiety and catastrophising. Once you work on dealing with those limiting beliefs and your negative thought processes, you’ll be in a better position to decide on having a child and growing your network.

I do agree to be honest, and feel ungrateful at times. It's just hard when those 'family is everything' type messages get forced upon you by society. When you don't have that (or don't have much family at least) you can feel sort of on the outside.

Sometimes I think maybe I am just immature / haven't seen enough of life to be able to break out of my own head.