Building a ‘family’ as an adult only child

[Starfish89]

I am an adult (late 30s) only child and I was wondering if anyone else is in the same situation and feels the same about having little family or support network?

I have a lovely partner (which I feel very lucky for). We don’t have any children though and he is also an only child. I have one good friend (also an only child) and I get on well with my work colleagues. My parents are still alive, but obviously that sadly won’t be the case forever.

I just worry so much about the future. Our network feels so small. I dread anything happening to my partner and being on my own. Although hopefully I would still have my good friend. I dread getting older with nobody around us too.
Is there anything we can do? Without wishing to sound boastful or anything, I think I am quite a nice person. I’m kind and thoughtful, it’s just that I don’t have a lot of places to direct my love.

Is there any way I can build a ‘family’ for us? Maybe through voluntary work / getting involved with a charity. Something like that. I don’t want to have children because I don’t want them to be in the same position with very little family.

p.s May I kindly ask please that this thread isn’t taken over by parents of only children saying that I am making them feel bad for having only children. That’s not what I am setting out to do. My experience obviously doesn’t mean your children will feel the same when they are older. I am just looking for some advice or help regarding the situation I am in. It has a big impact on my life worrying about this. Thank you.

Family isn't everything.
You can be happy.
But I don't think volunteering and things like that can replicate having blood relatives

It was only me and my dad until I had DC (overcompensated and had 4). I wouldn't let your small family size be a factor in whether to have kids or not. DH has siblings with children but we only see them a couple of times a year so they really don't really add much in the way of strong connections.

I think you’re consciously or unconsciously looking for ‘family is everything’ messages, though. It’s like the difference between the often messy realities of real Christmases and the ‘jolly multigenerational laughing round a turkey’ images in advertising. Most people’s lives aren’t like that. The reason advertising works is that it makes us feel our lives should be like that. So we buy Waitrose mince pies.

When I look around me, I see people dealing with all kinds of families, and none.

One of my closest friends is longterm estranged from both her parents and sibling, both parents were only children, so no cousins; her DH’s parents were older, and are long dead, and his siblings live on the other side of the world. They have children, but they are young adults, off making their own way in other countries. It’s her friends who are her close posse.

Another friend is lifelong single and childfree, and has suffered in close succession an aggressive cancer (now in remission) and a bad car accident that left her with significant injuries — but she has a genius for friendship, which isn’t to say she doesn’t also work at it. She moved to a new part of the country recently, and set up a mini version of one of those street parties for the people on her new terrace, is involved in various environmental initiatives, and is setting up a local Park Run. And has picked up old friendships, while maintaining the ones from where she used to live, by going back to visit and having them to stay.

What I’m trying to say is family isn’t always an automatic ‘network’, and it’s never too late to start making friends. But I think you shoul have some therapeutic help for your catastrophising, which will help.

If you wish for kids then having them in any way you can is the obvious answer. All of my friends had 2-5 kids from 38 to 44. Some had them naturally, ivf, adoption, most fostered.

Thank you for sharing those two inspirational examples. I think therapy would also help me, but I am unsure what kind. Need to do some research.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Maybe-You-Should-Talk-Someone/dp/1911617044?pd_rd_w=J95nf&content-id=amzn1.sym.98a3380d-28bf-4331-b97e-3cb6f35d811c&pf_rd_p=98a3380d-28bf-4331-b97e-3cb6f35d811c&pf_rd_r=TPFW4PTSC6DMNPK1FC95&pd_rd_wg=028xN&pd_rd_r=bd9db541-ebf6-4b46-b2aa-ab41d3d93c5e&pd_rd_i=1911617044&psc=1&ref_=pd_basp_m_rpt_ba_s_1_sc I would recommend this book, it's easy to listen to on audio if you aren't into reading. It is a therapist exploring various examples of therapy herself, and just a fantastic, gentle and easy listen that highlights why therapy can be transformative for everyone.
I think you are wise to ponder this all if/before having children, many people don't deal with bigger issues first then have less/no time to if they have children.
One of the case studies in her book is an older lady (grandma) who transforms her life into one filled with purposeful community, I thought of her when reading these posts. I hope it helps.

making big changes is hard and can be overwhelming, but could you think of one concrete thing to change in your life from today that would bring you joy? E.g. go for a ten min walk every day and take a photo on your phone of something beautiful?
You say you have a lot of kindness to give, you could also, whilst working on bigger things, sponsor a child abroad or write letters as part of amnesty international campaigns. These things can have a massive impact, and are concrete, positive things you can hold onto?
All the best 💐

Thank you, this sounds wonderful. Will definitely check it out.

Just coming back to say thank you because I have finally read this book and the part about the Grandmother and her 'art' family was really positive and inspiring.

Got half way through the thread, but at this point I have to say that what people who have siblings miss is that at some point there was a peer who knew what home life was like. Even if you grow apart later and have no more contact, there is something about having grown up with someone who knows what your mum was like, how your dad reacted when he let his hair down (good or bad); what your mum's personal scent was like when you were up close. The atmosphere at home. Any pets that were around.

Shared experience.

Some only children don't miss it, some do very much. Even knowing that someone else knew what Home was like, good or bad, is valuable.

OP, if you ever want to chat just message.