Affair - advice

[Senselesstime]

In a relationship with a man who is married.

His situation - I only have his word for it, of course.

No physical affection or sex for +/- 8years
No kindness
Very stressful and tense relationship at home
1 child - around 7/8
He planned to leave when child was independent - had a whole plan.

We met years ago, just in a saying hello kinda way.

Back in touch about a year and a half ago.

And we’ve been having an affair. Sex, yes. Also lots of fun and laughter. Contact, all the time, by text. If there’s an issue - health/family/work - we talk things through, as we would if this wasn’t an affair. He tells me how much he loves me, all the time.

He doesn’t want to leave right now because of his child. He does want to accelerate his original plan.

I love him.

All views welcome.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script?page=1

So cliched

Several people have suggested counselling- what sort do you mean?

Falling for unavailable men is almost always a result of unhealed trauma due to an emotionally and/or physically absent father.

so that’s where I’d start. In therapy.

Is it? Thats interesting. I hadn’t considered this.

Yes - so much of negative patterns in adulthood is just our inner child recreating the scenario and trying to create a different outcome.

loving someone who is unavailable and hoping they’ll choose you, is often what was done with one’s father.

I always wondered why he was never keen to go out with me anywhere locally but he was more than happy to travel to places with me and go out in other parts of the country. I assume now it was because he had pedalled some lie to OW about us leading separate lives. In reality, it was the exact opposite. Our lives were intertwined and we did most things together, and he would get petulant and possessive if I started to venture out doing things by myself.
An OW can be, I think, something like a compartmentalised object to men. It's something they want but OW cannot be integrated into their life so they create a fictitious life to fit OW into.

Mm. I have two very difficult parents.

Although that doesn’t make it ok.

Counselling may be helpful to work out why you believe this married man when you know he is a liar.
Why you are happy to accept his crumbs and lies?
What is it about what he saying that makes you feel he is a good partner? His ACTIONS show he is a terrible partner.

Another poster wrote ‘turn down the volume’ - such good advice. His words are meaningless - he stood in front of friends and family and told everyone he believes in fidelity. That he would be faithful and honest. He doesn’t believe in it. He would prefer to sneak about lying rather than being honest and divorcing (I assume you are in the U.K. where divorce is legal and very easy to do). So turn down the volume and watch his actions. Words are cheap - explore in counselling why you believe them.

There is another book called ‘cheating in a nutshell’ by Wayne and Tamara Mitchell - it explains feelings after betrayal and what it does to a victim. It may help you pull away from this situation as personally I couldn’t do that to another human being.

This thread is so useful. I’m really appreciative of all perspectives.

My STBX cheated on me and I kicked him out last year. It has been the most painful and horrible thing anyone has done to me in my living memory and that's saying something!
I'm begging you OP, please read this post back to yourself over and over again until you fully take on what your spirit is trying to tell you. You seem to be able to sense that this affair is draining what is good in your soul, and leaving some sort of darkness in it's place. I am a Catholic and see life in spiritual terms and you might not, but I also sense that you can sense your soul being darkened and the light in yourself diminishing because of your involvement with this man, and the harm you are colluding with inflicting on his poor wife, and eventually, his innocent child. Am I wrong?
I sense that you are not at all at peace with this? I BEG you, please , please end this affair and resolve to never, ever get involved with a man who is anything less than totally free- single or a widower and has reached the acceptance stage of grieving- ever again. Spend some time single as well and consider counselling or therapy to help you gain insight into why you got involved with a taken man in the first place, and explore ways to find fulfilment that not only do not risk harm to others,( because adultery does cause great harm and is now being considered a form of emotional, and even sexual, abuse that causes trauma and even changes in the brain!) but helps you be a light to others, in an increasingly darkening world!
I know I'm a minority in my spiritual beliefs, but I hope our posts helps you to free yourself from the dark, negative situation you have placed yourself in, including the ones who are chastising you, which if you're honest with yourself, are justified!
You can't stop him from betraying his wife, but you CAN stop yourself from colluding with him in it! Take control of yourself and your actions and finish with him for good; I would say that this time next year you would feel so much lighter, both in terms of a weight off your conscience ( I think you do have one and it's starting to bother you, hence you posting here! please listen to it!) and in yourself in general. Don't share in his fantasy that hides his real darkness anymore! He has too much badness in him, the sort that is contagious and we need to quarantine ourselves from.

I read this before work and now there are 9 pages of replies. My first thought is how sad this is, that people get themselves caught up in feelings for unavailable and inappropriate partners. Rather than judging you OP, I just feel so sad that you are in this pickle. Other posters have some excellent insight so I hope you get what you need from this thread and don't waste your life on Mr Unavailable, don't be the Fallback Girl for him.

Hi OP. I would extract yourself from this as quickly and carefully as possible. You sound like you've fallen for him hard, and, I might end up eating my words, but I don't think he is going to leave his wife. Obviously you can gauge better whether his promises towards you are genuine or not, but either way I'd suggest stepping back just to protect yourself.

He's not really "your person" though, not in the way that truly counts, because he isn't FREE to be your person! It's a delusion on your part because you have consented to live in his fantasy world.
His poor wife SHOULD be "his person" because she's the one he made vows to, built and home and family with and whom she's bonded to, legally, physically, financially and you can bet emotionally and spiritually. It seems unlikely to me that he ever truly bonded to HER though, seeing as he finds it so easy to keep lying to her and betraying her whilst sharing her home, life and child! I would postit that such a person does not ever truly bond with anyone, at least not deeply. I would posit that "his person" is HIMSELF and he will ultimately always put himself first, no matter the effect on others, even those who love him. He lacks good character, integrity, honesty and decency OP, you can't rely on nor trust him!
You need to detach from him and become your own person and also to focus on the welfare of your own child, who needs you and unlike that man, genuinely loves and is bonded to you!

Someone I know from work wasn’t happy that her partner was spending the night at his ex-wife’s because he wanted to watch a film with his teenage son and be there when his son went to bed. She felt something was off. So half an hour after he left, she turned up at his ex-wife’s house. It went like this:

Is Tom in?
Ex-wife: Who are you?
I’m his girlfriend.
Ex-wife shouted up the stairs: You just told me you love me, Tom.
That’s interesting because he told me that an hour ago when he brought me breakfast in bed.
Tom came downstairs and asked his girlfriend how she found out where he lived. She replied along the lines of it’s not rocket science. She blocked his number and found someone genuinely single.

OK. You are his mistress. Of course he loves you.

Do you want to be the mistress? If so, keep it secret and enjoy the attention.

If you want more, it's really important that you leave him with a kiss and tell him to get in touch when he's left his wife.

Then go on with your own life.

If he leaves his wife he'll have to be in sole care of his child for (probably) 50% if the time. He will likely lose half his assets and be much poorer.

This is why married men don't leave. It's a wholly rational choice.
I'm not so sure the sex will be similar to the sex with his wife. The dynamics of the triste are highly likely to make the sex completely enveloping for the affair partners. The wife doesn't stand a chance in the sex department.

Ultimately waiting 10 years is a gamble. It's doubtful he will leave his life or his wife.

Or after 10 years when the OP is pushing 60, he’ll trade her in for a younger model anyway

Op, you know is definitely having sex with wife don't you? He sends her messages through the day, he tells her he loves her and he holds her in his arms. And all the while he's lying to you both. While you're alone thinking about him he's at home with his cock inside his wife. When you're lonely, she's giving him a blow job. You're the starter, she's the main course.

I'm not saying this because I think you're some horrible harlot because I don't, I do however think you're beyond naive. You're not 'his person' and he's not yours. He would have left if that was the case. He might confide in you but he's confiding in her over the same things! Take the blinkers off. He doesn't love you.

Nor does he love his wife.

framing it like this makes it seem like a competition. It isn’t. Both women perform different functions for him. That’s it. He certainly isn’t a prize to be won. It isn’t a ‘who does he love more’ contest.

he has disrespect for them both.

This. I'm not sure what the purpose was of ramsaybolton's post other than to make the OP feel shitty. This isn't a good situation for anyone involved. (Except maybe the man!) A little bit of kindness and all that.

@PinkLemonade555 You've misunderstood, I don't believe he's a prize or that he loves his wife. He doesn't love OP either. But she has built it up in her head that they are loves young (middle aged) dream and his relationship with his wife is dead. It isn't and she needs to stop those delusions - he is absolutely fucking his wife, he is absolutely telling his wife he loves her, he isn't only there because of the child. He's there simply because he likes two women touching his penis, he likes two women fawning over him, he likes the attention that comes with OP and his wife being listening ears. In other words he's an over sexed prick and the OP needs to realise she's been played.

This sounds a lot like my former land lady.

He was in a terrible relationship with an awful woman and he couldn't leave because of the kids.

They all say the same thing. I know you think you know him and we don't. But believe us when we tell you- they are all the same. He won't leave. If she finds out tonight, he will stay with her and drop you like you are nothing.

Find a man who is at least single and stop this. Not only are you hurting his family, you are hurting yourself.

@MadeForFun She doesn't need kindness. She needs someone to tell her how it is. Stop op romanticising this 'relationship'. He isn't going to pick her. She is nothing but a vessel for his cock and hand to massage his ego. She needs to wake up and find a man who loves her and wants to be with her. I don't think she's a bad person, I think she's making bad choices FOR HERSELF. Kindness and beating around the bush with words won't help her.

There's a huge difference between "telling her how it is", and your nasty comments about her being a "vessel for his cock", and "You're the starter, she's the main course". You're just sticking the knife in, just for the sake of it.

OP will be fully aware of the choices she's made for herself, considering she's been the one making them for the past year and a half.