Affair - advice

[Senselesstime]

In a relationship with a man who is married.

His situation - I only have his word for it, of course.

No physical affection or sex for +/- 8years
No kindness
Very stressful and tense relationship at home
1 child - around 7/8
He planned to leave when child was independent - had a whole plan.

We met years ago, just in a saying hello kinda way.

Back in touch about a year and a half ago.

And we’ve been having an affair. Sex, yes. Also lots of fun and laughter. Contact, all the time, by text. If there’s an issue - health/family/work - we talk things through, as we would if this wasn’t an affair. He tells me how much he loves me, all the time.

He doesn’t want to leave right now because of his child. He does want to accelerate his original plan.

I love him.

All views welcome.

Of course that’s not how it feels, it feels like it was meant to be doesn’t it? You wouldn’t be in it otherwise, as it’s clear you love him and I’m sure you wouldn’t be in this situation and struggling so much with it if you didn’t love him and believe all he’s said. So you’re blocking out the moral discomfort you feel, but you need to listen to it and detox from him. You’re in your own bubble with him, but he shares a real life with someone else and has said that will continue for at least a decade. I believe his wife doesn’t consider herself in a broken marriage although she may wonder about lots of his behaviours….. he hadn’t told her it’s over, has he? End it and build up your strength away from this mess. Feel compassion for his wife because undoubtedly it would break her heart.

I’ve name changed for this.

I’ve been you OP. I was younger though. I met him when I was 18 (he was 23), had a brief fling with him and then forgot all about him.

5 years later we ended up back in touch. My relationship had just broke down. He had a 3 year old and was miserable. We ended up having an affair. He spun me the usual script. They didn’t have sex. He was only there for the kid. He actually had an older child from another relationship and he told me how horrible he felt that he left that child’s Mother when he was young and he didn’t want to do that this time.

He promised he was going to leave when the kid was older. They’d have arguments and she’d kick him out and he’d go back because he said she threatened to stop him seeing the kid. It was only for the kid though he swore. He made her out to be an awful person. I believed him, but I know now any messages he showed me from her were just her reacting to his gaslighting. I loved him. He said he loved me. We went on dates, he met my family, attended a wedding as a plus one with me! He lived a complete double life. He was my boyfriend (I was delusional). This went on for the best part of two years.

I ended up pregnant and had an early miscarriage and went through it all alone because I was single. He wasn’t my boyfriend. He was someone else’s. He couldn’t get out to see me that night because he was home with his family. I found out a few months later she was pregnant. He didn’t tell me but I found out through a friend of a friend. He tried to hide it. Of course they were having sex he was just spinning me the script. From what I learnt they had a happy relationship and went on date nights all the time.

I got my karma. Don’t be me.

I understand why you'd feel this way but you're not his person. She is.

You're his person in the small gaps that he concede to you amidst his real life. With her.

He has no plan to leave 'within a year or so' but if he did - what is it that he thinks will happen within the next year that will suddenly make it a more suitable or appropriate time? He's just kicking the can down the road.

You mention that he's the primary carer and that she has a better job than him. So at the very least, he's staying for the money. Which adds another layer to how gross he is - he wants to shag around but doesn't want the poorer lifestyle he knows is coming if they split, so he's happy to let her keep on bankrolling the lifestyle he enjoys.

You also mention 'blended families' - sorry but it's just not going to happen. Kids hate step parents at the best of times. An affair partner step parent is a figure of extreme hatred in pretty much every situation I've ever heard of. And how's your child going to feel when they find out what you did? What example will that set for your child? How will they feel to see you being completely hated and shunned as a homewrecking slag (that's the kind of way they'll see you) by your 'new' family?

This has misery written all over it for you. And in the meantime he's probably curled up next to his loving wife right now and where are you? Alone. Tomorrow they'll have breakfast and chat and text during the day and plan dinner and all the things couples do, and you'll be alone, happy to get the little slices of his life that he doles out to you (and all balancing on the back of lies he's telling to someone he made vows to). It can't feel good, no matter how you try to shut it out. Come on - life should be so much more than this.

Next time a man pursues you and tells you how miserably seperated he is while living with his wife, say, sorry to hear that, hope it improves. Then block him

Things I learnt when it was discovered and he disappeared:

she was devestated- so he wasn’t seperated
she was angry- so he wasn’t seperated
she kicked him out
he was suicidal and said he had “lost everything”
she found messages from other women also
”she was always paranoid he was cheating with female friends so it just made him act out” (from a mutual guy friend)
He’s desperately trying to get back into her good books and wants to move back in
He lost his job through stress
He cut me off after a slow fade
He has his support network around him and is acting like the brave little soldier through all his trials, I’ve seen his emoji laden texts to some of them
He’s a creep, and a liar.

This is a man who said he was properly separated, they just had to share a home as no ability to get seperate places, they hadn’t had sex in over a decade, she didn’t care what he did and vice Versa but neither of them would want to know about it. They never did anything together just like passing strangers, the set up worked for them. He lived in the extension off the main house. They married too young and things went wrong very early on. They never really connected, he had cold feet on their wedding day. The sex was shit and he never missed it when it ended. He had loved her once, but just nothing like what he felt for me. They don’t get on as people, they had nothing in common etc etc. The passion with me was amazing, I was the love of his life, special songs and poetry he wrote for me, heart pouring love bombing, absolute passion, deep care, always in touch, always planning things together. His kids were a lot older and he just wanted them to leave home and be settled. His kids knew that he and his wife were living separate lives and it was all above board. I could go on. Don’t believe him please.

yes I was stupid, but knew the guy for years and he said the exact same when we were just friends- not good friends, just saw each other at events and had mutual friends. I trusted him, he seemed like a really good, caring, loving person. Very funny and handsome and gentlemanly. He pursued me- I didn’t give it a second thought to be with someone in that kind of tricky set up so was nothing more than cordial to him. I developed true and deep feelings for him, and should never have allowed any one to one friendship for it to escalate to that point.

Just understand that your situation is not the exception. It is not the one and only special relationship of all the affairs in the world. Most people who have been there have a story to share, and many have felt that the connection they have with this person is the most meaningful love story in the world. In the cold light of day, if it ever dawns for you, you will understand the flaws in that thinking. We’d video call and text into the early hours from his extension, they clearly didn’t share a bedroom space- still doesn’t mean he was separated!

Honestly why would you do this to yourself, or someone else.

He’s got you on the side, and his wife and child at home.

Why on earth would he accelerate his plan to leave, if indeed he has one? He’s got everything right now.

The chances are however, that he and his wife do have a sexual relationship and he has no plans to leave at all. You are just lapping up the story men tell to their mistresses.

Go and find someone available and get some self respect.

Leave him alone. If he wants to leave his marriage he will. Once all that’s done and dusted in a year he can come and find you. Don’t hold your breath.

You need to talk to an independent therapist. You are putting your mental health and his wife's and his child's at risk. Be kind to all three of you and get some therapy. You may find why you are doing this.

That's what I felt. He became the person I talked to. I got a new job and went straight for a celebratory lunch with him, and didn't tell my husband until hours later.

I got really worried when he started to feel like home.

It's taken me a long time for that not to be the case, but you have to start somewhere.

I think you are missing some major red flags here. Individually they might not all necessarily be red flags but as a cluster they spell serious trouble in my opinion.

He’s early 50s and has a child who is 7/8. It’s quite unusual for a man who genuinely wants children to have his first child in his mid 40s. In my experience they have been too selfish to have children before or couldn’t find someone prepared to have children with them because the women realised there was something off with them.

You say he’s the main carer because of his schedule but is this in fact because he is the lower earner? Is he one of these guys who never made it career wise so uses becoming a dad as an excuse to decrease his financial responsibility?

He brought a child into a relationship that was already rocky. This is an extremely bad sign and shows he lacks a healthy perspective on both parenthood and partnership.

He then has proceeded to stay in an apparently miserable and loveless relationship for almost a decade and was seemingly quite content to continue to do so. Again, why? Is he freeloading off his wife? It isnt for the child, as no child is served well by growing up in a home where their parents do not love each other. Most human beings with any real depth of feeling could not bring themselves to do this. Going without having your emotional needs fulfilled is incredibly taxing. If he wasn’t looking to leave it either isn’t as bad as he says or he doesn’t feel things very deeply.

If he sees you several times a week without his wife knowing, he is clearly a very practiced liar. There is some kind of chip missing in people who can lie repeatedly over the long term and not become eaten up inside by it.

Thank you, for this. It’s so helpful hearing other experiences- I’m sorry you had to deal with a miscarriage on your own.

This is horrible. I say this as the child of a broken home - my dad had an affair and left when I was very young, but it's had a big impact on my life. My mum has remarried and is happy now, but I saw the impact it had on her for years. It's the lying, deceit and betrayal - being made to feel like a cool. I don't know how anyone could ever do that to someone - and I certainly couldn't imagine being with them.

Honestly, men who have affairs are weak, spineless and cruel. If he can do it to her, he'll just as easily do it to you. If he wanted to leave her he would. The child is an easy excuse, and tbh it sounds like they'd both be better off without such a waste of space in their lives. And also - he says they have no sex, that it's loveless marriage etc. - may be true, may not. Do you have children? Because the thing is, a lot of men turn out to be pretty useless after kids - they don't pull their weight, they expect their wives to do everything, and unsurprisingly the wives become exhausted and resentful and the relationship suffers... So you might also want to think about that before you end up having a family with this guy.

Seriously, if I was you, I would work on developing a bit more self respect, get rid of this loser and find someone decent.

I could have written big chunks of this.

@Senselesstime i think the problem is, apart from anything else, even if he does leave and you try and build a life together, won’t you always have a niggle in the back of your mind that he is the kind of person who can cheat on his wife for years?
im not sure you’ll ever be able to totally trust him

You forgot to mention that his wife doesn't understand him; and they're more like brother and sister; and they live completely separate lives.....it suits you to believe his lies.

You'll be devastating the lives of another woman and little boy when they find out. You're a selfish bitch.

He’s reading you the script like a cheap actor. If he wanted to leave his wife he’d leave her. Men aren’t that complicated. He’s just telling you the words you want to hear so he can have sex with you.

These type of men do indeed have a “chip missing” as a previous poster said. The kind who can carry on long term affairs have narcissistic tendencies or are full blown narcissists. They have to be to be able to do this kind of thing long term. And if you are a vulnerable person who happens upon a narcissist and gets in a relationship like this, then it is VERY difficult to leave. They basically groom you and rewire your brain in such a way that you believe all they say and this kind of thing then goes on for years. Love bombing, gas lighting, future faking, valuation and discard, all things you don’t see when you are “in it”.

That isn’t excusing women (I was one) in these relationships but a lot of people haven’t dealt with this kind of manipulation. Saying to just end it, when someone feels that person is their best friend and they can’t cope without them, is a terrifying thought. (Of course the notion they are a best friend has been planted too, all smoke and mirrors!). They make people love them just to get “supply”, they never feel love themselves. So they won’t feel guilt at anything they do to anyone.

The best advice I stumbled on, long after I needed it, was to turn down the volume. So to stop listening to all the lovely words and watch the actions. Narcissists paint a picture but never actually do anything towards it. Look at their behaviour and judge them that way.

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. You absolutely deserve each other.

Why are you happy to justify behaving like a cunt?

You don't need outside perspective, you know what you are doing is shitty but you just don't care.

He's your person - oh please 🤣🤣🤣🤣.

I hope his wife finds out and kicks him out - I think you'll find he won't be desperate to be with you... oh no, he'll be desperately trying to get back with her.

Get some self respect ffs.

Ffs you fell for the wife doesn't understand me and we don't have sex lie. Get some dignity and some morals and end the relationship.

Knew a man who had repeatedly cheated on his wife for their entire marriage and even before it.

she found out eventually and stayed… he said they were only together for the ‘kids’ and that he would ‘die for them’.

asked if she knew about this arrangement, and if they were still having sex then given how he’d portrayed it as a transactional agreement. And he laughed and said of course. ‘Even I know a sexless marriage wouldn’t work’. Then said that it had been hard for his wife having sex with him again. Said he regretted marrying her.

even after ‘reconciliation’ he was still lying and choosing who got to know what and when to suit himself. Then has the audacity to pretend it’s for his children because he’s a great guy.

literally just using her for domestic chores, access to his children and no compromises for him sexually. Though I’m sure he didn’t see it that way.

they stay for themselves. That’s it.

That's blatantly false, though. He may be your person, but you're not his. Otherwise, he'd be with you 'day to day'. He's using you for sex and an ego boost. If you're OK with that, that's your lookout. But don't confuse and romanticise your affair to feel more justified in keeping it going.

You’re not his person.

You’re delusional.

Tale as old as time.

Of course he’s lying. He’s shagging both of you, if not more.

Please wise up.

If the marriage is dead and they are only together for the kids then why doesn’t he tell her and she can have her bit on the side too? Surely she would understand?

I think he is a ten a penny cheat. Instead of being honest and speaking to his wife about counselling or divorce he seeks a lady (ladies) to blow smoke up his arse and shag him. He has a but in his fidelity ‘I’m faithful but not if a lady flirts with me’ ‘I’m faithful but not if my wife won’t find out about it’ ‘I’m faithful but not if my wife doesn’t meet my needs’.

If he gets caught he’ll say to his wife ‘I didn’t dare end it as I was afraid she would tell you’. ‘I didn’t dare end it as she was suicidal/crazy/psychotic’. ‘She didnt mean anything’.

The good thing is you 100% know that he is a liar with no integrity.
You know he doesn’t believe in fidelity.
You know he is prepared to sneak about for his own gains.
You know he can sit next to his loved ones and lie night after night after night
and you know he’s good at hiding what he’s up to.

It’s not Romeo and Juliet it’s more Titania and Bottom. Affairs aren’t great love stories they are entered into by people who are happy to be a liar.

The script does exist I’ll try and find you it.

Read not just friends by Shirley glass.
Research PISD (ptsd caused by a cheating spouse.

Think about why you are faithful. Why do you choose to be faithful to someone (I assume you are faithful). I found by defining why I choose to be faithful (I could cheat it’s easy to find someone to cheat with) I realised I am faithful for me. So my word means something to me. I like being honest. My word matters to me. My self esteem matters to me. No man in this world is worth losing my integrity for.

Then when you realise why you choose to be faithful you look at cheats differently.

What values matter to you Op? Personally and in a partner?

That's because it's a script. There is a pattern with these men. There will be lots of others bits of crossover if you read some of the affair threads.

Generally the man paints that he's separated from his wife but is staying for the kids. Probably says they don't sleep in the same bed. They're like brother and sister. She's probably got mental health problems so he feels he has to stay. He'll blow hot and cold with you - when he's gone cold it means he's on holiday with her or she's currently suspicious and he's laying low or they're just having a lot of sex at that time so he doesn't need you. He will 'future fake' you - so he'll paint you pictures of the life you're going to have together in the future, stuff like 'I was thinking we could get a flat in X town that we both loved, and go to the theatre a lot' (or whatever) so that you feel - without him doing a single damn thing - that he's planning your future together. He'll say they got married too young/too fast and he never really loved her - not the way he feels about you, that's for sure. He loves her but he's not IN love with her. Quite possibly she trapped him with the child (though in truth he'll have actively tried for it). He'll probably make negative comments about the wife's attractiveness - nothing that makes him look too much like the bad guy, but just comments about how he's perhaps not into blondes, or she used to go to the gym a lot but has given up or how he's worried about how much weight she's gained.