Affair - advice

[Senselesstime]

In a relationship with a man who is married.

His situation - I only have his word for it, of course.

No physical affection or sex for +/- 8years
No kindness
Very stressful and tense relationship at home
1 child - around 7/8
He planned to leave when child was independent - had a whole plan.

We met years ago, just in a saying hello kinda way.

Back in touch about a year and a half ago.

And we’ve been having an affair. Sex, yes. Also lots of fun and laughter. Contact, all the time, by text. If there’s an issue - health/family/work - we talk things through, as we would if this wasn’t an affair. He tells me how much he loves me, all the time.

He doesn’t want to leave right now because of his child. He does want to accelerate his original plan.

I love him.

All views welcome.

Have you read about the psychology of affairs? The dopamine hits, the internalised belief that you are 'more than' because he is 'risking' it all to be with you, talk to you, fck you.

It literally creates alot of the same issues as addiction. The highs, the crash, the fear, the anxiety.

When you get down into addiction and what has caused your own, and why you are taking part in destructive type behaviours there is usually a shit load of unresolved crap you haven't dealt with.

If your serious about figuring it out, get a good therapist and do a shit load of internal work.

Edit: He isn't actually risking it all. If you were worth it you wouldn't be hidden by the way. Especially after 18 months.

The sudden extreme withdrawal is what I meant by the hot and cold. That’s how it was for me also. Months of lovebombing, then sudden extreme withdrawal and saying we shouldn’t do it anymore, but with my guy false accusations, paranoia and gaslighting. Then he’d been back again, all apologetic for being “cynical”, “very hurt in the past” etc. No reason to ever feel paranoid besides the fact that he was telling me a pack of lies. The withdrawals are a major red flag and most likely due to intimacy he’s had at home, and rethinking what he is doing.

This 100%.

@Whatado absolutely - and the affair partner usually brings something to the table that feels lacking in your life- be it sex, intellectual stimulation, laughter, company -

This is interesting. Thank you.

Are you for real..the child is 8 and the plan to leave when child is 18.
So you'd hang around for another decade of deceit and lies!!!???.
Wise up.!!!

All views welcome:

You sound like a pair of cunts.

How you could help a man break up his family is beyond me.

Well you know what they say, what goes around comes around.
Let's hope that one day when you're married with children, your DH doesn't break your heart by running into the arms of another woman.

I think the bit I find most difficult when I think about leaving this isn’t the sex.

He’s become my person. And I his. For day to day stuff and bigger things.

it’s that going.

Loads of things scream out in this....

1. You want a man who doesn't love you enough to leave an unhappy marriage to be with you!
2. I use unhappy lightly because how unhappy can he really be if he's planning on staying put for the next 10 years of his life, taking him into his 60s.
3. No kindness or sex for 8+ - really, would Mrs really be sticking around if that was really the case? Maybe the withdrawal on his part is when things start looking up at home....
4. Why would you want to be with a man who is clearly showing you how he treats his partners?
5. The reality - even if he leaves her tonight, it doesn't just suddenly become you and him together in harmony forevermore - there are real life logistics to resolve first.
6. He's not leaving because he doesn't want to lose half his marital assets or have to pay cms!! That's not changing any time soon.
7. Why would you want to put your life on hold for 10 years to wait for him to leave her (he's not going to) and then find out you wasted a decade waiting for something that isn't coming and potentially missed out on other, more realistic opportunities of happiness.
8. The older his son gets, the more he'll hate you (both) for what you're doing to his mum. He's 8 now, but he won't always be 8 and he'll know.

OFFS Just listen yourself.

You're sneaking around having sex somewhere hidden around your wife.

How clever is that?

That’s understandable OP. You likely wouldn’t have got involved in this tricky situation if he hadn’t pursued you, painted everything a certain way, and if you weren’t deeply emotionally attached to him. He isn’t an honourable man though. No matter what he tells you, if he was, he would either divorce before pursuing another woman, or “stay for the kids” and actually stay single until he was free. I don’t believe it will end well for you if you continue

But he isn't your person.

At all.

If you died tomorrow he wouldn't even be able to publicly grieve you. And if he drops dead you won't even be a foot note mentioned in the fabric of his life.

And actually affairs aren't generally about the person your having the affair with.

So no the unmet needs theory of it's the magical aura, life changing sex and stimulating conversation of the affair partner that makes them happen. It's actually about the projection of who you pretend to be in an affair, that makes them happen. The gaps internally that people chose to file up in hidden from everyone around them.

You're extremely self-serving, you know that he is married with a child. You have agency over what you do.

You're very silly if you believe a word that comes out of his mouth. But you don't, do you, hence this thread? If you were sure of his 'love' for you, you wouldn't need to post.

You're not the first, won't be the last but oh what a phenomenal waste of your time and energy.

Nope you’re not his person, his wife is. You’re second best

To be fair, so is the wife. HE is his Number 1 person. King Twat himself.

"He’s become my person. And I his. For day to day stuff and bigger things"

Get a friend.

You think he's your person but I can guarantee you're not his person!

So, your plan is to wait for him for 10 years and then he will just leave his wife and come and live with you? Come on op, he's a liar and a scumbug, he's using you and you are wasting your life on him

He’s using both. Men like this are a certain type. When affair threads come up, lots of angry women write lots of messages about the wife being number one/the preference/ the one he truly loves etc. for those who are married and fear their husband straying, or who have stayed with a husband who has had an affair, it is understandable why you would want to believe this. The evidence though, speaks for itself. You cannot be in love with someone and lie to them and have sex with someone else, romance someone else on a daily basis. You can’t lie about the state of the marriage, and love your wife, in the moments when those things are happening with the other woman, it is the other woman who is coming first. When he’s in bed with his wife saying he loves her, in that moment the wife comes first. Men like this don’t have any woman as “first”, it is the man himself who is first. Generally the women in his life play different roles and fulfil needs he has physically/ emotionally/ sexually, and as he is devoid of conscience (takes a certain type of individual) only on occassion will it kick in how duplicitous and vile he is, and he may withdraw- from both relationships at different times. It’s better to see things as they truly are. Situations can be different in that sometimes a man is just using another woman for sex, but to have a full blown affair usually it runs deeper than that. Sometimes there is nothing left for him at home, and he doesn’t love his wife, but has a comfortable life that he’s not eager to split. It’s better to face the reality that emotional statements like “you’re second best” aren’t really true of narcissistic men- everyone is second best to them, and if other offers come along, they will consider them if it brings some benefit to their table, because in their world, they are king, their needs come first, and everyone else is collateral damage that serves some purpose. When it comes crashing down for this type of person they may grieve and be forced to choose, and often choose what disrupts their lives the least, but they don’t genuinely understand what true love is, and that it’s rooted in honesty and respect, and exclusive faithfulness. Some men literally cannot be with just one woman either and will tell whatever lies they need to to set up the situation how they want it to be. Others lack communication skills and cheating is a diversion from their issues. But just because he happened to marry one of those women first is not indication of who he truly desires the most. What he truly desires the most is self fulfilment and to deceive the woman around him enough that he can take the supply he needs from them.

My ex had an affair behind my back two years ago. I am still not over all the pain and heartache it caused. It was only when he was caught out he literally flipped a switch. Then all the “I was unhappy” “you was not meeting my needs” ” etc etc started to come out. This was all news to me as we was discussing moving house and planning to have another child literally weeks before he was caught. i honestly do not know if I could ever trust another man again after the hell I have been put through.

The OW knew he had young kids and didn’t care and I see her as lacking in morals too. They are still together but do not live together and live in different countries so I can only imagine ex is likely cheating on her too. I will never understand how a women can believe the awful nonsense these men spout. I can’t get over just how much ex has rewritten history to justify his guilt and his girlfriend believes every word of it. I am now the abusive crazy women. It’s cruel. I feel like I have been completely abused.

Let’s think logically about a good and honourable man. They honour their vows and work their utmost to invest in their marriage, if they are tempted they cut off anything that would progress the furthering of that illicit attachment. They know marriage will go through trials and they are ready to defend their marriage. If a woman approaches them, they will not give her the slightest indication of interest, they will cut it off. They won’t pursue any other woman. They will be an open book with their wife and she will be their best friend even when times are tough. If a marriage is over, it will be fully over, all cards on the table before he would consider himself single and available. That’s a strong and good man that’s worthy of a long term relationship. This situation will never be that, please understand that OP, he is at the very least a weak man. My guess is that he is also manipulative, duplicitous, and has things how he wants them to be. He most likely doesn’t want to lose either of you, but if push came to shove, he’d go for the option that causes the least disruption and that’s not you. If it was any other way, he wouldn’t still be married.

He's a liar and you need some self respect.

Don’t wait for the painful cut off and the revelation of all his lies (if you are lucky enough to even have those lies revealed) the likelyhood is you will just be in a limbo as he fights to make work what he told you was already dead and buried. He’s not staying for the kids, he’s staying for himself. The kids may come into it in that he doesn’t want to do the 50/50 thing and live more economically, but my bet is that there are benefits he is reaping from his wife that he would not want to lose either. You are trusting him so much, you believe every lie. You’ve convinced yourself his wife wouldn’t even care because his marriage is dead, but if that was the case he 100% would come clean to her, and he would happily sail off into the sunset with you. The question is, would he be worth having, if he truly was living a separate life from her but put you both through all of that? That’s the best case scenario and it’s still a bad bet from your end.

It’s so funny how every cliche thinks their affair is different.

Hes a liar, you’re an easy distraction. He’s not leaving his wife.

You’ll convince yourself otherwise though, until you realise years down the line that you’re another sad cliche. Sorry

Completely deluded 🙄