Dumped after two great dates...

[TriPopz]

My very first dating experience since separating from my emotionally neglectful exH and it's fucking broken me.

We'd messaged every day on a dating app for a week or so. Great banter. He asked me out for a coffee. We met up and it was lovely, lots of chatting and laughing, no awkward silences, seemed like we had loads in common. We hugged at the end and swapped numbers. He WhatsApped me that same evening to say he'd had a great time with me. More messaging. He asked me out for a second time. We met again a week later. Same again. He held my hand, stroked my arm, put his arm round me, we kissed goodbye... WhatsApped me again the same evening to say he'd had fun. Nothing for 24 hours. Then this:

Hey, I've been thinking about this a lot, and I wanted to be honest with you. I've had a great time getting to know you, but I don't feel like this is going to work for me going forward. I wish you all the best in the future.

"All the best for the future" like I've been rejected from a fucking job interview!? Then:

I understand you are disappointed. I just feel like we are looking for different things and it wouldn't be fair to you to carry on seeing each other when I can't see a future. This wasn't an easy decision, but I feel it is the right one.I am sorry.

I'm gutted. I stupidly fell hard and fast but I thought it was mutual. I certainly wouldn't have bloody kissed him if I'd known I was never going to see him again! He thinks it's too early days for me apparently and doesn't want to be a part of my divorce process. I wasn't expecting him to be! I feel like he's giving up on something potentially great because of something bad that might happen. I naively thought that it was pretty rare to have genuine chemistry with someone you met OLD and so this just seems like a waste.

I don't know why I'm posting other than to stop myself messaging him to ask him to reconsider. Which definitely isn't going to help is it.

He's also now blocked me on WhatsApp and unmatched me on Hinge. Which makes me feel like I've done something really wrong 😔

@TriPopz i have a strong hunch this guy will be back but please don’t go there

Yes, I am sure he has just gone to more dates. As should you in about a year.

If he wanted to message you or anything then he would.

He's online but not for you.

It's hard and everyone has experienced it. And you will too date people and then send a clinical rejection message. Hopefully you won't ghost.

You will get there but just enjoy being single.

Blimey OP, you had some nasty replies from some posters who seem keen to make you sound as bad as possible. You are understandably feeling disappointed and wanted a vent. That's fair enough and understandable. The only thing you've been unreasonable about is posting about it on Mumsnet 😅. Some posters get their kicks from being spiteful like the posters suggesting that there is something wrong with you. You've done nothing wrong and he's done nothing wrong. I thought him saying that 'he knows you are disappointed' was him being a shit but I see that was in response to you saying you were disappointed. So fair enough.

You need to reframe your thinking, using the word “dumped” for example, you were not dumped because you need to be in a relationship to be dumped, you met him twice! It’s probably fairer to say he rejected you and yes, that’s shit of course but don’t let a virtual stranger wreck your hopes … and don’t get super invested super early next time … best of luck

I must admit I wouldn’t want to be in the middle of it. It can work sometimes, my brother met someone while he was in the process of a messy divorce and they’re still happily together years later but it’s definitely not easy for someone to get in the middle of.

The alternative to his perfectly acceptable communication was him carrying on and pretending he wanted to date you, when really his heart wasn't in it. Truly, that's not what you want is it?

You aren't ready to date. You acknowledge this yourself. Enjoy your hobbies, friends, work and family. Fill up your life with things that will boost your joy and self esteem. Navigate the divorce positively.

When you're ready, you'll enter the dating market with something to offer, rather than looking for somebody to shore up the bits that are hurting right now. If he managed to hurt you this much with rational, acceptable behaviour then you're too vulnerable to be dating.

I took things to heart when first started old and even felt bad stopping messaging men that I didn't even want to msg, which was ridiculous but when you've been in a long term relationships that pre dates old it's difficult to get your head round it at first

You just need to develop a thicker skin if you're going to carry on with this otherwise it will challenge your mental health.

You will encounter lots of strange and disappointing men and situations if you old for a period of time. You will find a few decent ones where you might not be interested and vice versa, it's just the nature of it and you have to accept it or don't do it!

I remember meeting someone once (not online, at a party he was having in his house share) and we got on really well, he flirted with me, paid me a lot of attention all evening, we did a lot of ‘snogging’ (and he proudly showed me videos of him flying an aeroplane?). I rather fancied him and he gave me his number. A couple of days later I very nervously rang him (this was before smartphones so no texting) and he was so cold to me! He made it quite clear he wasn’t the slightest bit interested. Gosh it was mortifying as it took all my nerve to ring him lol. These things happen 🤷‍♀️

@ShowOfHands has nailed it with this:

“ShowOfHands · Today 12:34
The alternative to his perfectly acceptable communication was him carrying on and pretending he wanted to date you, when really his heart wasn't in it. Truly, that's not what you want is it?

You aren't ready to date. You acknowledge this yourself. Enjoy your hobbies, friends, work and family. Fill up your life with things that will boost your joy and self esteem. Navigate the divorce positively.

When you're ready, you'll enter the dating market with something to offer, rather than looking for somebody to shore up the bits that are hurting right now. If he managed to hurt you this much with rational, acceptable behaviour then you're too vulnerable to be dating.”

And why are you offended by the suggestion you might need therapy? Pretty much anyone would benefit from therapy at some point in their lives. I’ve had it on many occasions as has my DH. It would help you to unpick why you’re trying to rush into another relationship; why you aren’t taking this time to focus on yourself; how to make the most of your new-found freedom.

This is an opportunity to completely please yourself. Why do you even want another relationship right now where you have to accommodate someone else’s needs and wants? You’ve just come out of one; and it was a bad one to boot. Find your interests. Do the things you enjoy. Find yourself.

Well I don't think I did drag my fiance into it! In any case I was ready and my fiance saw that and we are getting married in 4 weeks. Hurray for us.

Yes someone else mentioned she asked, I obviously missed that part.

It's not in any way normal to 'fall hard' for somebody you've met twice. At least he did the decent thing and told you that he's not feeling it, instead of stringing you along and telling you after sex.

When I was dating I would frequently go on two or three dates with someone before deciding whether or not we were a good match, and usually, I would be chatting to/dating other men at the same time. It takes time to decide whether or not you want to be in a relationship with someone that you've only just met.

It sounds to me like you're not yet emotionally resilient enough to date following the end of your last relationship.

I'm not offended, and I am having therapy. It just came across a little harsh to read.

I divorced and then dated a lot, had a similar experience, two great dates, lots of chemistry and then a message saying thanks but no thanks. A little disappointed, and a little bruised but the reality is (and I've felt this too) sometimes you meet someone who you might like and be attracted to, but realise a relationship wouldn't work. There were men who I fancied but couldn't imagine being in my life with my children.

If you felt 'chemistry' that quickly, it might well have been the case that he was looking to use you for a one night, but his conscience got the better of him when he realised that you were emotionally vulnerable.

I would just be grateful that he told you before it went any further.

'One night stand' that should say

This

OLD is a tough scene.

Perfectly put

I think sometimes people rush into new relationships because it’s just so hard to re-start things after a divorce, particularly if all your friends are married/partnered. Weekends and Bank Holidays can be quite difficult.

OP, I think you need to accept that you don’t actually know what this man was feeling. You don’t even really know who he is what his circumstances are, because you have only met him twice. He wasn’t your boyfriend; he was a man you met twice.

There could be all sorts of reasons he didn’t want to continue seeing you. For all you know he might actually be married and just got cold feet about having an affair. Or he might be perfectly single but just realised he’s not actually ready for a relationship with anyone yet. Or - although you might not want to believe this - it’s perfectly possible that he didn’t feel the same intensity that you did.

It’s normal to be a bit disappointed but I think you need to ask yourself why this is such a huge thing for you and whether you can work on being a bit more resilient and proportionate about things.

@TriPopz - understood. It’s great to hear you’re having therapy. Sorry it sounded harsh.

By wanting different things he could have meant he wanted a one night stand and you wanted a relationship which he gathered by you not taking things further by date 2. I may be wrong but that could be it. He also may just think you aren’t ready. Try not to let it knock your confidence. Plenty of others out there.

It doesn't sound like the messages were personal to you - he likely trots them out when he can't be bothered moving ahead. Perhaps he found someone else who was willing to sleep with him and therefore he doesn't need anyone else right now.

Pls don't be broken or heartbroken, or give him (or anyone) the power to define how you feel about yourself. At the end of the day, he was someone you went on two dates with and kissed. Why give him more importance than that?

💐

Excellent advice from @MzHz

And whilst we may seem a little mean, I don't think any of the messages are. We don't know you so can be more honest.

This.

I guess I'm not a trusting person but I wouldn't be hugging and kissing that early on, any more than I'd hug and kiss a new neighbour or coworker on short acquaintance.

You have to look at dates as potential friends who may or may not become romantic partners down the road, rather than instant lover material. To protect yourself. Don't rush into intense involvement.