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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do you think once a man hits you once he’ll do it again?

361 replies

Missmaria95 · 17/08/2024 08:00

I’m 28 and he’s 37, we’ve been together nearly 3 years. I’ve always knew he had a temper, not necessarily towards me, just no patients. He is an ex body builder, so for the first few months of our relationship he was taking steroids, admittedly he treated me really bad during those times. But last week, he punched me in the face, not hard enough for me to be in pain but all the same he punched me, he then spat in my face twice. This happed because I was moody due to us travelling 2 hours with his friend to end up just driving back home because his friends girlfriend didn’t want to participate, but I ‘ruined’ it by being moody. He apologised and said how much he hates himself. Like I say, this is the first time in the whole relationship he actually hit me. Do you think because I ‘forgave’ him he’ll do it again?

OP posts:
TheSoundOfTheSky · 17/08/2024 08:16

He won't do it again because you 'forgave' him. He will do it again because that is who he is. This time was NOT your fault, and when he does it again it will NOT be your fault, and if you stay no matter how many times he does it, how much he agonises and apologises and makes excuses afterwards, and no matter how much he blames your, and deflects, and turns things around in you, and messes with your head, it will still NEVER be your fault.
Never ever ever.

You must, right now, ask yourself. Do you want this? Do you want to spend your time with a man, knowing that he is capable of hitting you, at any time, for any reason or none? Do you want to walk on eggshells, hoping daily that today won't be the day?
Don't want to continue to put up with the other abusive shit that comes with it, because I know that if you're honest with yourself you will know that he was already not treating you right before he hit you. I KNOW this.

I urge you to call up the national domestic abuse helpline today. Go somewhere safe and far from him to do it, because there will likely be a wait, but do not hang up. Talk to them, they will help you to make a plan and leave.

I have been where you are, and I did not have the self esteem to make the right decision. I suffered for years before I realised that it was wrong, and I had done nothing to deserve this treatment, and found the strength to leave.

I left with 4 children, and I've brought them up alone. I am a lioness, and you are too. You just need to believe in yourself. I believe in you. You CAN do this. FlowersFlowersFlowers

Firenzeflower · 17/08/2024 08:17

Yes.
Please leave.

eotchs · 17/08/2024 08:20

Jees, get out of there. He punched you in the face because he thought you were ‘moody’???? He’s unhinged and even if he never did it again (he will), he has already trampled over any respect, decency and normal boundaries between you. He’s seriously assaulted you; this isn’t a red flag, this is what the flags are there to warn you of. Please don’t downplay this as a shortcut to feeling better.

StoatofDisarray · 17/08/2024 08:21

Yes.

Temporaryname158 · 17/08/2024 08:21

100% he will do it again, and it will become more violet. You need to disappear out of his life and out of the relationship asap, like today. He will hurt you, and possibly even kill you. It’s no joke

fuckingbastard · 17/08/2024 08:21

Yes. He will. He did break you emotionally first did he not ? Yes he will do it again. It will get worst. There might not be another opportunity to escape apart from now, and today. This "did not happen because" whatever your explanation is. He did it. He thinks he can do it again. And he will. IMO he's an animal walking on two legs and portraying itself as a man. This kind feeds on humankind. Run for your life quietly. When a lion looks at you, it sees food. You can always kid yourself that you have tamed it. But the first time he has a taste of your blood, it's only a matter of time before he turns you into his next meal. You're in such a dangerous position. He's a lion. You're dead meat. Until you decide you're not. RUN. FOR. YOUR. LIFE.

Hillrunning · 17/08/2024 08:22

It doesn't matter if he never does it again. Isn't once terrible enough? Don't you want to spend your time with someone who has no urge to hit you at all?

Relationships aren't supposed to be this hard, come on!

Would you still hang our with a friend who hit you? What about a boss, would you stay in the job if they punched you?

You really need to rethink why this even became a relationship given he treated you badly from the start. Ask yourself why you didn't just end things the very first time he was unkind to you.

Original poster
Missmaria95 · 17/08/2024 08:22

Thank you for all your advice I know what I need to do

OP posts:
alldayeveryday247 · 17/08/2024 08:23

Do you have or want children OP?

Original poster
Missmaria95 · 17/08/2024 08:24

Twizzletoe · 17/08/2024 08:07

OMG yes of course he will do it again and it will likely escalate to worse as well. As a man he will be much stronger than you even without the steroids.
You said the other girlfriend “wouldn’t participate” do you mind me asking in what? Was meant to be a sex swap type thing? Even if that had increased his anger levels it is still a massive massive red flag.

No it sounds stupid now but we went to a water fall and was meant to go swimming but the friends girlfriend wouldn’t climb over a little gate to get to it so we can home, I was moody because we travelled all that way for nothing

OP posts:
GalacticalFarce · 17/08/2024 08:24

Not only will he do it again, but it'll get worse.
There'll always be an excuse and it will always be your fault.
You shouldn't have been moody, you shouldn't have made him angry, you shouldn't have your own emotions and will.
Leave now for your own safety and mental well-being.

alldayeveryday247 · 17/08/2024 08:24

You haven't responded to the dozens of posters answering your question and have only come back to explain why you were 'moody' before he punched and spat at you.

What are your thoughts on the fact people have unanimously told you he is dangerous and not a safe partner?

WimpoleHat · 17/08/2024 08:24

But last week, he punched me in the face, not hard enough for me to be in pain but all the same he punched me, he then spat in my face twice.

Dear God. The answer to your question is yes, of course he will do it again. Please, please don’t give him the chance to. Leave and don’t look back.

cockscockseverywhere · 17/08/2024 08:25

Please leave, and get therapy - you need to know your worth. It makes me sad that you've even asked this 😞

itsgettingweird · 17/08/2024 08:26

Missmaria95 · 17/08/2024 08:22

Thank you for all your advice I know what I need to do

Edited

Hopefully that means you're leaving.

It's not really about if they did it once will they do it again.

NO-ONE decent punches you and spits in your face EVER.

Changingplace · 17/08/2024 08:27

Missmaria95 · 17/08/2024 08:24

No it sounds stupid now but we went to a water fall and was meant to go swimming but the friends girlfriend wouldn’t climb over a little gate to get to it so we can home, I was moody because we travelled all that way for nothing

Show quote history

I think anyone would naturally be annoyed at this!

But anyway, yes you 100% need to leave this relationship, it will only escalate from here on in, please make sure you’re safe and get away from this abusive man :(

silverhamster · 17/08/2024 08:27

alldayeveryday247 · 17/08/2024 08:24

You haven't responded to the dozens of posters answering your question and have only come back to explain why you were 'moody' before he punched and spat at you.

What are your thoughts on the fact people have unanimously told you he is dangerous and not a safe partner?

She responded to that because the poster had asked if it was going to be a sex swap and she wanted to make clear it wasn't!

She had already replied to say thanks to the replies and she now knows what to do.

fuckingbastard · 17/08/2024 08:27

DO you have a place to go today OP ? If he is not around, are you packing your thing OP ?

SaveTheWeek · 17/08/2024 08:28

In the 3 years you have been together, has he ever been moody?
If so, did it make you punch him in the face and spit on him?

I'm sorry op but he will most likely do it again. Probably worse next time too.

LighthouseCat · 17/08/2024 08:28

Yes, he will do it again. But he's already blown it by doing it once. Unless he's prepared to get some professional help, you should leave him. You deserve better xx
And none of this is remotely your fault (for being moody) or the friend's girlfriend's fault for ruining the trip. It's entirely on him.

fuckingbastard · 17/08/2024 08:28

Plan your escape route carefully. The key is to go no contact until you are of no interest for him. You have to contact the police. He is a danger to any woman he fancies.

SmythSergio · 17/08/2024 08:29

He is an ex body builder, so for the first few months of our relationship he was taking steroids, admittedly he treated me really bad during those times

I'm sorry but why did you continue this relationship? Why do so many women have such low expectations of men? I truly despair at the sheer amount of shit so many women are prepared to tolerate just to keep a man.

Draw a line now, get the hell away from him and do the Freedom Programme before dating again.

alldayeveryday247 · 17/08/2024 08:29

Sorry OP I missed your post saying you know what you need to do - rubbish of me xx

Do you have children? I think people's advice on how best to safely leave this man will depend on that as your route to safely leaving needs to take any children into account.

Haroldwilson · 17/08/2024 08:29

If abusive men were horrible the whole time, they'd never get a woman to stay with them long enough for abuse to happen.

KnittingKnewbie · 17/08/2024 08:29

Furthermore, he's extremely strong so has even more of a "duty" not to hit you. Obviously nobody should, but an ex- body builder... he could kill you with one punch