Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do you think once a man hits you once he’ll do it again?

361 replies

Missmaria95 · 17/08/2024 08:00

I’m 28 and he’s 37, we’ve been together nearly 3 years. I’ve always knew he had a temper, not necessarily towards me, just no patients. He is an ex body builder, so for the first few months of our relationship he was taking steroids, admittedly he treated me really bad during those times. But last week, he punched me in the face, not hard enough for me to be in pain but all the same he punched me, he then spat in my face twice. This happed because I was moody due to us travelling 2 hours with his friend to end up just driving back home because his friends girlfriend didn’t want to participate, but I ‘ruined’ it by being moody. He apologised and said how much he hates himself. Like I say, this is the first time in the whole relationship he actually hit me. Do you think because I ‘forgave’ him he’ll do it again?

OP posts:
LifeofBrienne · 17/08/2024 08:58

Missmaria95 · 17/08/2024 08:39

Sorry I haven’t replied to everyone, there’s so many responses. To answer a few questions..

Yes I’m leaving today, I have lots of family etc so I’ll be safe and tbh I don’t think he’ll be too bothered I’ve left.

I stayed with him when he treated me like shit in the beginning because I guess I just want to be loved, the thought of being on my own makes me sad. I’m insecure, I know that, pathetic really. I give my all to him, I try to be a good woman, a good girlfriend.

no I don’t have any children

it’s crazy, I’m more hurt that he spat in my face, i hate spitting, so for someone to spit in my face is just the most degrading thing

Oh love, I would feel the same about the spitting. It’s not only disgusting, but it shows such contempt. Remember this is what he really thinks of you and stay strong.
And also to say be careful when you get into another relationship. I’ve seen the Freedom Programme recommended on here for women breaking free of abusive / unhealthy relationships.

gardenmusic · 17/08/2024 09:00

It's great that you are leaving while he is out, you don't need any drama.
This is the part of your post that worries me:
I stayed with him when he treated me like shit in the beginning because I guess I just want to be loved, the thought of being on my own makes me sad. I’m insecure, I know that, pathetic really. I give my all to him, I try to be a good woman, a good girlfriend.
This needs addressing sooner rather than later, because it makes you vulnerable and you do not need more abuse in your life.
Perhaps some of the readers here know how to work on this problem?
Good luck.

BumpyaDaisyevna · 17/08/2024 09:00

Leave him.

Do not have children with him.

He's treated you badly in general and then has punched you in the face and spat on you.

Will you be safe if you do leave him? He sounds a dangerous and disturbing man.

ButterOllocks · 17/08/2024 09:01

Absolutely - end it as soon as you can and someone you deserve will enter your life - hugs OP

ElaineMBenes · 17/08/2024 09:02

I'm glad you're leaving and I can understand why you think you'll be safe/he won't be bothered BUT statistics show that this is the most dangerous time for women in abusive relationships.

Please take some additional precautions. Also, you should report him to the police.

GremlinDolphin4 · 17/08/2024 09:02

Yes100%.

He has made you believe that this happened “because..I was moody” no this happened because he is a twat.

Dont be me - I hung around too long, you have recognised it, a whole thread of women are saying it to you - leave him now.

AndThatsItReally · 17/08/2024 09:04

So glad you've made the decision OP. One more woman who won't become a statistic. Good for you - it is so bloody hard. But you will be ok.......

ChipsCheeseAndGravey · 17/08/2024 09:07

He might not hit you. My ex didn’t start by hitting me. He picked me up from a night out when I was 19 and dragged me into the taxi leaving bruises. Then one night when he was “helping me get in” when I was drunk he “accidentally” knocked me down the concrete stairs outside our house. He actually only smacked me once and punched me two times but I left after he almost strangled me unconscious at 21. I didn’t realise it, but I had been being physically abused for a long time, and verbally abused a lot longer. It rarely starts with hitting. Look back and you might find more instances. He convinced me I was a ranging alcoholic while plying me with alcohol, convinced me I was abusive when I was drunk and he had to restrain me. He was also older than me (27 when I was 19). Age difference doesn’t always mean bad like MN sometimes seems to think, but it should mean take care. Look back over the three years and ask yourself is this really the first time he has harmed you?

Henbags · 17/08/2024 09:07

alldayeveryday247 · 17/08/2024 08:03

He punched you. If a man you didn't know punched you in the face, what kind of man would you think he was? He is that kind of man. And worse, because he is supposed to love you.

He spat at you. Twice. Spitting shows complete and utter disdain for another human.

He is dangerous.

Be honest - do you have or want children?

100% this.

Busywithsomething · 17/08/2024 09:07

Yes. You, your children, someone close to you, anyone. He can't control his emotions.

Oh my God, just seen the updates, there is no hope for him. Sorry OP.

NippyCrab · 17/08/2024 09:07

Good luck today, when you are feeling up to it try and think about reporting him and it could save someone else's life. It will also protect you in the future should things escalate with him after he finds out you have left today.
I totally get what you mean with spitting being worse than the physical. My ex husband poured half of a pint of lager over my head then threw the rest in my face. I just sat there frozen, and humiliated. I still stayed with him for years afterwards, there was physical and mental and financial abuse but that incident stuck with me and how shite I felt. Xx

femfemlicious · 17/08/2024 09:09

@Missmaria95 Why do you have absolutely NO LOVE for yourself. Please seek intensive therapy before you get into a relationship. This is crazy.

FizzingAda · 17/08/2024 09:09

I've been married 50 years - I said to my then fiancé, you only ever have to hit me once and that's the end. He's actually a gentle man, so has never even come close to any sort of violence. But yes, one blow, go. If it happens once, it'll happen again.

user1492757084 · 17/08/2024 09:10

Don't waste another year with this man.
He is not a gentleman, not father material and he doesn't cherish you.

It is not hard to treat one's partner with respect.
Most people are not violent to their partners, LOVE being gentle and positive and are proud to be committed.

Leave.

PolaroidPrincess · 17/08/2024 09:12

And you being moody isn't a reason to hit you. I'm moody all of the bloody time at the moment thanks to the Menopause. Had a really bad day at work on Wednesday. Can home pretty much grumpy and moody. Do you know what my DS did. He took me out for tea and listened to me moan then took me for a little walk and held my hand.

Normal regular behaviour when you love and respect one another.

MasterBeth · 17/08/2024 09:13

No, once he's hit you once, he's got it out of his system, so he'll never do it again.

I mean, yes. He'll do it again.

Dery · 17/08/2024 09:14

Yes - he will do it again. But it doesn’t matter whether or not he does. He punched you in the face once and spat at you twice. He thinks that’s okay. Walk away. He’s vile and very dangerous.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 17/08/2024 09:14

'he treated me really bad during those times'
why did you even stay with him in the first few months

yes of course he will hit you again, and will continue to do so

did you report the assault to the police - you would if it had been a stranger so why protect this bully

Marsh212 · 17/08/2024 09:15

Please leave this man.

AlleycatMarie · 17/08/2024 09:15

@Missmaria95 I think it is incredibly likely he will do this again. But, even if he doesn’t, why do you think so little of yourself that you would choose to stay with a man who has previously treated you badly and has now punched you in the face? You deserve way better than to be living with the constant fear of upsetting him. Please, please leave. You will be ok.

AngelusBell · 17/08/2024 09:16

After you are out of the house, report what’s happened to the police so there is a record of what’s happened and will respond quickly to a 999 call. When his next victim does a Clare’s Law they will know he has previously been violent. But get out with all your belongings before he gets home.

Planesmistakenforstars · 17/08/2024 09:16

Well done for leaving, it isn't easy. But please be careful. Even though you say he won't be bothered that you've left, he will be bothered that you dared to. Leaving an abusive man (or any man really) is one of the most dangerous times for a woman. Let the people you are staying with know what he's done and report him to the police if you can. And don't block him on your phone - give it to someone else if you don't want to see his messages, but you might need a record if he becomes threatening and it's useful to know if he starts going off the deep end so you can stay safe.

Lovelysummerdays · 17/08/2024 09:17

Of course he will. He is contrite and sorry now so you don’t leave. Then he will do it again and again. The aggression increases the contritness decreases. It’s always going to be your fault btw.

Dump him. Do not waste years if your life on this loser.

RickyGervaislovesdogs · 17/08/2024 09:18

Jesus…. would you allow a friend to do that to you? Ring the police, report it and get out. Why on Earth stay with him after the first few weeks… yes he will do it again.

You’ve stayed, your now the available punch bag every time he loses his shit you’ll be there to take it out on, if there’s no beating there’ll be the emotional abuse, you’ll probably end up preferring him to hit you at least then it’ll be over and he can be “sorry” for awhile.

He’s a piece of shit, scum. Get out.