Do you think once a man hits you once he’ll do it again?

[Missmaria95]

I’m 28 and he’s 37, we’ve been together nearly 3 years. I’ve always knew he had a temper, not necessarily towards me, just no patients. He is an ex body builder, so for the first few months of our relationship he was taking steroids, admittedly he treated me really bad during those times. But last week, he punched me in the face, not hard enough for me to be in pain but all the same he punched me, he then spat in my face twice. This happed because I was moody due to us travelling 2 hours with his friend to end up just driving back home because his friends girlfriend didn’t want to participate, but I ‘ruined’ it by being moody. He apologised and said how much he hates himself. Like I say, this is the first time in the whole relationship he actually hit me. Do you think because I ‘forgave’ him he’ll do it again?

Good God. Get away!

Good luck today OP. Thinking of you.

Well done for having the self awareness to realise what’s going on👍

So glad you have the self respect and strength to leave this nasty little abusive Scrote.

I don’t blame you for being cross about the waterfall trip-
But you being grumpy is NO excuse for punching you and spitting.

Stay strong!

Well done @Missmaria95 👍

Why would you give him the chance? One hit and he's out.

i think there are some that won't. My ex hit me once, i walked out, we had counselling and i gave it another go.

While he certainly NEVER laid hands on me again, he definitely intimidated me, made threats, and made it clear if he wanted to, he could. He ruled by the fear of a repeat.. which i kind of think was almost worse.

Glad you're getting out, good luck with your future, be strong <3

Oh, my heart.

I'm so glad you're getting out.

By the time he hits you he will in all likelihood have been abusing you for a very long time.

It will take time to recover, and it may not be easy, but you can do it.

Wishing you all my very best, and strength, and

Well said.
It takes bravery to walk away from a doomed abusive relationship-Maybe your mum just didn’t have the strength.

I can’t understand why people stay, either.
Think there is now more help for women leaving abusive men.
”The freedom programme “ gets mentioned a lot as being very helpful.

Anyting is better than walking on eggshells waiting for a parent or partner to violently erupt.

It creates long term stress and anxiety in children, too.

He’s crossed a line.
He will likely do so again.

Have you left yet?

Yes - excellent, well done, block him on all media.

No - WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? GET THE FUCK OUT NOW

Very relieved to read you are leaving. The spitting shows utter contempt, the punching is opening the door to endless violence. The hating himself is emotional manipulation to make you pity him and give him more opportunity to abuse you. Block, run, get some help as what you've gone through is traumatic and you need guidance on how to avoid abusive relationships in the future.

Why people stay?

Because by the time it gets to punching, you don't know up from down, or black from white, and are probably convinced its largely your fault, and only he can save you from the problems he creates. The physical abuse is just the visible tip of a huge and horrible iceberg of gaslighting, coercion, bullying, threats, control, abuse, dehumanisation and destabilising bullshit.

In some ways, it's easier to deal with physical abuse, because it's so clearly wrong.

OP; what advice would you give your friend, mother or daughter if this was them?

@Missmaria95 This did NOT happen because you were moody due to you travelling 2 hours with his friend to end up just driving back home because his friends girlfriend didn’t want to participate etc…

This happened because he is a highly abusive male. Statistics show that if you stay with him it will escalate. The best predictor of future behaviour is past relevant behaviour. You need a plan to be safe going forward. Please get help from your local domestic violence agency as leaving a relationship like this is the most dangerous time of all.

How delightfully empathetic you are 🙄

Yes, mine did. It started 2 years in, to my shame I stayed for 9. It continued and escalated. I hid the bruises or he did by where he chose to hit me. When he tried to stab me the knife slipped through his hand and cut his nerve, he had to have an operation. I lied for him. The night before i finally saw the light he tried to strangle me. I lied to him to get out of it.

Please leave this man.

My life now is completely the opposite, loving husband, 2 lovely kids. Please leave now.

@Missmaria95
Your posts are heartbreaking, if you were my daughter I would do everything I could to get you away from this man.
The fact that you have to ask us tells me that you are under his spell.
Please leave as soon as you can, as soon as it is safe to do so. You must get away from him, we are all very worried about you 🙏💔

He will 100% do it again, unfortunately.

That early behaviour while he was on steroids doesn't stand alone - it's linked to him hitting you. Once he has ramped to physical attack, things will only worsen.

Think about it, OP. He PUNCHED and SPAT at you because you were a bit moody?!!

That is a CRIME - not something to forgive him for because he's sad and supposedly disappointed in himself (more like he's being emotionally manipulative to get his way) - it is literal assault, for which he should be reported and arrested.

You need to take this as an ENORMOUS red flag with 'RUN! NOW!' written on it, get yourself to the Police and leave the bastard.

Yes.
Why do you stay with him?
OK don't answer that -
just think about it!

So glad you're getting out.

Just a side note op, you mentioned he treated you badly even early on but you stayed. So I think it would be wise to consider why. Because otherwise, what is to stop you getting and staying with another asshole? Maybe one who may not seem 'as bad'. Be on guard as many people fall from on abuser to the next. Be wary too of any guy sniffing around right now/soon who knows your circumstances.

I recommend doing the freedom programme and taking at least 18 months single. During which, read up on narcissistic abuse and how to spot it.
Never stop learning about it infact, throughout life.

Get comfortable with being in your own company. So that you don't accept men in your life in future who ruin that peace.

And when you do date again, do not mention your past abuse early on. As abusers take that as a green flag that you would stay with them too.
It's OK to just say 'exs are exs for a reason, let's not talk about that'.

If i were you I'd repost his assault to the police. It should be in record so other women can run a Claires law check on him. And incase he further means you harm.

Not necessarily.

But that doesn't mean you should stay in the relationship.

This is all true.
When you live in constant fear your ability to make rational decisions, to think clearly ... that ability is gone.
You live in a state of shock where your conscious mind isn't properly operating and your unconscious does what it can to keep you safe in the moment.
Mostly that consists of placating your abuser, he is all that you can focus on because he is such a huge threat to your safety. Trying to keep him calm and stop him from getting angry gives you a sense of control which feels slightly better than the fear you feel when he is angry with you.

why do people stay? In my case I had young children, my exH was the main earner, I had a job but part time and was dependent on him financially. I felt I couldn’t report him to the police as, ironically, he is a lawyer (as am I) and a conviction for assault would mean he would lose his practicing certificate and be unable to work. We had a big mortgage. My family were no help to me - they never even offered me a room to stay when I ended the marriage. My parents witnessed him screaming abuse at me and knew I was afraid and literally walked out of the house as they “felt awkward”.

When I ended the marriage I did it all by myself. He cleared out our joint accounts ($35,000 nz in savings) and I had to threaten the police to get it back. He refused to leave the house until I proposed a nesting arrangement, found and leased an appropriate property and furnished it single handedly down to the duvet on his bed, carrying in the oak dining table by myself. I go to ever parent teacher interview alone, he has the kids every second weekend (I won’t allow any more than that) and I pack a bag with everything they need as he refuses to set up his house for them. I am santa, the tooth fairy, the easter bunny, I host the birthday parties and the play dates, I go to the doctor and the dentist, I take the sick days, I take the kids to therapy to process what we have been though. I also work in a full time corporate job heading up the the legal team for a large company, which is how I could afford to leave him, to buy out the family home and to give my kids the stable life that many women feel they can’t offer alone so they stay with their abuser.

No one wants to be hit, berated, spat at. But it’s not difficult to figure out why women stay.

Totally. And it will get worse too.
Get out NOW and don't hesitate.

Yes. And he spat on you - twice.

He had no respect for you and even more so: he wanted to degrade you.

it may be the first time he’s done this to you but I would bet it’s lot his first rodeo. Next time he’ll strangle you or leave marks. Leave and don’t look back.

Yes and it will get worse. Please seek some support from women’s aid who can help you ❤️