Feel that Dh friendship with woman is destroying our marriage

[gruffalo5]

Dh and I happily married for over 15 years, 3 dc. 2 years ago a woman joins dh workplace and they gradually become very good friends. She has Dh and dc. Last year I asked to borrow his phone for a number and saw her name (he hadn’t mentioned her at that point) to my shame I looked and saw their messages and there were so, so many, day and late into the evening. They weren’t particularly flirty but what hit me like a punch to the stomach was the obvious closeness and fondness they have for each other. Things they were both interested in going to see. My dh and I have always had that great friends kind of relationship as well as being married so I think it especially hurt. I owned up and asked him about it and he was really angry I’d looked and accused me of coercive control when I asked him to reduce the messaging. They see each other at work so why she has to send him photos on a Friday night and of what’s she’s up to at the weekend I don’t really understand.
He has other female friends which I’ve never thought twice about but there’s something about her that feels as though she’s pushing the boundaries and it’s creating such a wedge between us. Admittedly I’ve been very upset and over emotional and it was suggested I go on ADs which has helped me a bit but I still feel really upset as though she’s always there now, in the background. He says I’m destroying the marriage by being like this and nothing is happening with them, they are just mates. Just don’t know what to do, it all just makes me feel very sad and that maybe I’m not enough anymore.

But you are not his friend you’re his wife and you hold a very special position as his wife and mother of his children and him saying that is really disrespectful of your love and that special place.

I’ve been in tears before and he has left me like that to go spend the evening with a few of his mates out in at a music gig last month (her included) when he knows how upset this makes me knowing she’s with him and drinking

There is def a power struggle here I think. The more you press the more he gets defensive. Honestly your best tactic now is to cool your jets. Just quietly back off compose yourself, and live your life. Be polite and calm and he can no longer paint you as crazy. Act as though it’s not bothering you. Then quietly if you can, gather any undeniable evidence so he can’t gaslight you any more. Give it a try. Try not to mention it for a month. I did that. He got the shock of his life. Penny soon dropped that his fun little text banter with little miss ‘needy I’m so fun look what I’m up to this weekend’ isn’t worth risking his family for

Sorry if I’ve missed this but Are you still together? @KaleQueen

The crux of it is what does he value more, his relationship with his wife, or the need to be “friends” with this woman.

I do not believe any man would be okay with their wife messaging another man late at night or frequently, even if it seemed completely platonic.

Ultimately it’s disrespectful and there is always that problem that if you have issues or an argument he will turn to a “friend” as a shoulder to cry on or sounding board instead of talking to you and doing the work to resolve the issue.

What he is doing is not appropriate and it lacks maturity that he is trying to say you are just jealous, controlling etc etc. Poor behaviour on his part.

Are there any other women when they go out or is it just her? How does her husband feel about their friendship…does he know?

I don't see why you need to accept this far too close for comfort friendship. He wouldn't like it if it was you and a male friend.

Just to let you know -

He.gets.it.

He absolutely knows his conduct is unacceptable.

He is just gaslighting you. He wants you to think you are crazy/wrong to have a problem with it so he pretends not to get it.

If you want to confirm this then say to him 'you get it, you know this relationship with this woman is not appropriate'. And just you watch his face for the first split second. It'll clearly say either 'I agree, but I need to pretend not to' or, worse, he'll smirk. Because he knows he's hurting you and frankly, he enjoys it.

He knows it's not ok. He's just a narcissistic pig who is trying trying to convince you your perfectly valid feelings are not normal.

Fuck people like that. Who cares if he's shagging her. The main issue is actually that he treats you with contempt.

Kick his arse out the door.

Sorry, you've given him too much rope so far and it hasn't made a blind bit of difference.

I wouldn't be having any more conversations with him about it. It's clear he isn't going to change. You decide what YOU WANT.

Op he would rather you be medicated and go through all of that when he could simply respect his marriage and stop putting this woman before you. What a despicable man, he knows exactly what he's doing and is gaslighting you. Believe in yourself op, trust that you know what's happening.

Thankfully my DH wouldn't dream of disrespecting me by cavorting about with another woman under the 'just a friend' umbrella or send random texts unless it was work related or to pass on vital information. I in turn offer him the same degree of respect.

What on earth? He has multiple female friends and leaves you to go out drinking with them, while you're crying?!!

I can tell you my DH has zero female friends and I'm happy not being a "cool girl" about that. It's a slippery fucking slope.

But even if they were male friends he was going out with, totally unacceptable.

I can't believe he's convinced you to go on ADs. Insanity. He sounds like he is controlling you. I hope you can access more support. He sounds awful.

Excellent

its mad hearing that people think he’s gaslighting and controlling because he is a totally relaxed person and the last person who would be described as that by anyone who knows him.

And enlightening too

Married men and women who become close with a member of the opposite sex tend not to care about how the spouse feels. They believe it's OK to nurture a close bond because really they are 'just friends'

I’ve asked him to choose her or me and he refuses saying I’m being erratic and off my head and he won’t be told who he can be mates with.

There are two things you are doing wrong OP.

1. Giving him an ultimatum without following through. Empty threats just backfire on you and reinforce in his mind that you will not end the relationship over this. By asking him to chose, he has called your bluff. He has chosen her and he knows you will do nothing about it.

2. You have started to focus attention on her. Why is she doing this. Should you try and meet with her. Should you contact her. No! Really this is nothing to do with her, it's your DH that is the problem. By focusing your attention on her you can continue to keep your head in the sand over him.

He is horrible to you. You are choosing to stay with him. He treats you like this because you let him. Talk to him about possible separation. Ask him whether he would expect to have the children 50/50. Just in a casual way. Say to him, just in case, we should start talking about it.

If that isn't enough to shock him then nothing will.

Op you need to gather strength.
Tell him he can’t have his cake and eat it; he can’t have a lovely wife and family and gallivant around with another woman. That’s just the way it is.
He made a promise to be faithful to you. That includes emotional monogamy, not just physical. In prioritizing his friend over you he’s betraying you.
Every time he texts, meets her, phones, he’s disrespecting you. This is not an old childhood friend; this new friend is dating under the guise of friendship.
He’s making a fool of himself and of you.
I had a similar situation with DH; told him the above on repeat for weeks and he stopped all contact with his special friend; our marriage is now stronger than before. Just try it.
The alternative doesn’t bear thinking about. Watching your husband having a lovely time getting closer to another woman. I’d rather separate, and this is after 3 children and a very long marriage.

I feel so sorry for you @gruffalo5.

What he is doing is beyond disrespectful and if they haven't been sexually intimate then he is still very much crossing a line by being intimate with her and essentially having an emotional affair.

You are not being at all unreasonable. His behaviour isn't just disrespectful but he is being cruelly dismissive of your feelings and your marriage.

I know you said in a previous post he lied to you when he went to a comedy gig with the OW and some other people.
In this post you are saying he went to a music festival with her and other people, even though you were so upset.

Are you totally certain that these other people were actually with your Dh and this woman? He lied to you about the comedy gig evening. So perhaps he was lying about them going on this evening with other people.
The fact hewas so desperate to go to the music festival even though you were upset suggests he would have been standing her up if he hadn't gone and he didn't want to do that.
In your OP it seemed like their contact was primarily work and messaging. But in your updates there seems to be a lot of actual physical socialising going on between them as well.

I think you are coming across as controlling over this demanding he choose when there’s no evidence of an affair. How are you going to manage if he chooses to end your marriage when you’re a SAHM? Sharing custody 50-50 potentially, all for a friendship you didn’t like. There’s no evidence at all this is anything more than a friendship and I don’t blame him for not wanting to be told who he can be friends with. I think that’s crossing a boundary. I guess you need to think carefully if you’re willing to end your marriage over this, though sounds like a lot of damage has already been done

Are you OP's DH?
You are giving her the same script as him.

It’s not about evidence of an affair though is it. It’s about him choosing to message other women late at night etc and disrespecting his wife doing so. Affairs and cheating aren’t always about physical sex, it’s about emotional connections with others etc. If he is feeling the need to message another woman frequently and late at night etc that crosses a line.

Anyone in a relationship has to decide if their partner is of value to them, and if so ensure their behaviours etc align with demonstrating that. If the relationship is such that both parties are happy to frequently message other people etc and leave their partner at home upset to go out, then fine. However I very much doubt he would be okay with this type of behaviour if it was the other way around.

People have friends of the opposite sex. OP has read every message and seen nothing concerning, she’s just jealous that her DH is close to another female, but giving him ultimations is going to get his back up if he feels he’s doing nothing wrong. On here it’s just going to be a load of women saying he’s out of order but ultimately it’s OP who will be raising her kids alone as her marriage will be destroyed by this non affair. Either way I think the marriage is dead in the water now anyway. I guess OP needs to get a job, and get ducks in a row. Seems mad to me over a friendship, but if OP genuinely believes it’s more then the only thing is to follow through with the threats, it’s her or me, he’s chosen her friendship.

Don’t forget Op that had you not looked at the messages you would be non the wiser and he would be doing this without your knowledge. Would he have told you that he has made this great new female friend and that you get on so well that you contact them all day and night. I doubt it.

No one would be happy with this so don’t pussy foot around him.