Feel that Dh friendship with woman is destroying our marriage

[gruffalo5]

Dh and I happily married for over 15 years, 3 dc. 2 years ago a woman joins dh workplace and they gradually become very good friends. She has Dh and dc. Last year I asked to borrow his phone for a number and saw her name (he hadn’t mentioned her at that point) to my shame I looked and saw their messages and there were so, so many, day and late into the evening. They weren’t particularly flirty but what hit me like a punch to the stomach was the obvious closeness and fondness they have for each other. Things they were both interested in going to see. My dh and I have always had that great friends kind of relationship as well as being married so I think it especially hurt. I owned up and asked him about it and he was really angry I’d looked and accused me of coercive control when I asked him to reduce the messaging. They see each other at work so why she has to send him photos on a Friday night and of what’s she’s up to at the weekend I don’t really understand.
He has other female friends which I’ve never thought twice about but there’s something about her that feels as though she’s pushing the boundaries and it’s creating such a wedge between us. Admittedly I’ve been very upset and over emotional and it was suggested I go on ADs which has helped me a bit but I still feel really upset as though she’s always there now, in the background. He says I’m destroying the marriage by being like this and nothing is happening with them, they are just mates. Just don’t know what to do, it all just makes me feel very sad and that maybe I’m not enough anymore.

Agree it's time to stop begging him only for him to disregard your feelings.

I would calmly point out that in 15 years you have never questioned any of his female friendships. You have never felt uncomfortable or paranoid and you have never asked him to dial anything back. Now you have. And he is disregarding you. Tell him that you are not a fool and you know an emotional affair when you see one and that it's now up to him what he does. You aren't going to nag/test/beg but you are going to have to rethink your whole marriage and so the ball is in his court.

And then remove yourself emotionally and watch.

And cool and breezy for the next couple of weeks to see how it plays out.

OP I'd say when it gets to the stage you're at, it's time to cut your losses. Don't beg for attention, he wants time to message other women? Give him all the time in the world and you go find peace 💗

I'm sorry OP but I really fail to see why by now you have not gathered your self respect and anger and called it a day with your DH.
He has shown clearly he does not love or respect you. That he is clearly enjoying tormenting you. He has ruthlessly destroyed your mental health.That he prioritises the OW.
Even if by some chance he decided to finish his relationship with the OW how could you possibly trust him again? How could you have any respect or love for a man who has enjoyed abusing you in the way he clearly has?
Surely your life would be happier if you split from him and were in charge of your own life instead of continually begging for him to be a decent and loving husband because he is clearly neither of these things.

Agreed.

He will end up saying its yor that pushed him into it. When my ex eventually disclosed he was in a relationship with the "friend" he said I'd pushed them together by my behaviour. I mean you couldn't make it up could you. You need to preserve you own sanity cos my situation nearly stripped me of mine. Men like this end up convinced of their own bullshit. Because they are so weak and guilty at the damage they are doing they can't bare to admit it. And who wants a "man" like that!!!!

I’m a similar person to you. My husband has a job where it’s a small industry and everyone knows each other so it’s very social and speaks to a lot of people, I don’t have a problem with it. I think my husband is similar to yours in personality. I don’t get from your replies the cruelty, I get that he’s stubborn and maybe a bit selfish.

There was a woman who sought my husband out for chats. It made me really uncomfortable for some reason, spidy sense maybe, and it got to the point where I actually said he needed to stop speaking to her, that it made me uncomfortable was enough and I’d never asked him to do that before in all our years together. He was very reluctant but nothing to do with her, just the fact I was insisting. He does not like being controlled and I get it, but affairs happen and this is how they start. I even said I knew I was being mental, but that it was upsetting me a lot and that should take precedence over some woman he’s spoken to a few times. He did.

The pushback would have been massive in the situation you describe, but he would understand I think as there have been situations around us that have started from a similar place to ruining families forever…

The truth is, starting a new female friendship with texting on down time crosses a line for you. You are clearly not in an upward swing at the moment and he’s enjoying his work life, she’s part of it, but it doesn’t sound like the actions of a married man with kids.

We have a line now, talk to who you want but don’t ever swap numbers or text chats with new people of opposite sex. People are skanky and the truth is some people don’t care if they or the other person is married and to pretend it doesn’t happen is insanity. It’s happening all the time, every day and people you know are doing it. I’ll get slagged off for this and told my poor husband needs to leave me…. Don’t care. Maybe he will? Who knows. But these are the rules.

And these women who have trust and trust their partners implicitly, I envy you, truly. But if you were me (dad, step-dad, granddad, all unfaithful) maybe you would have a different point of view.

I think the OP has self-esteem issues and I was the same when my kids were super small. His world is the same but your world is him and the kids. Therefore anything like this is everything, all consuming. I can see why he’d not like it either, no one wants their wings clipped and he’s enjoying the attention. But it’s crossed a line for you and that’s the only thing that counts to me. If that’s not important to him, you being miserable, then that’s a huge problem. AD’s are a short term fix. You need to have him send you texts to make you laugh, not her.

The grass is greener where it’s watered, and he’s pouring his can over someone else at the moment and that’s not cool.

Adding to this, I think you miss the relationship you had before the kids and that’s the bit of him she is now getting. And if they talk in a similar way to how you used to, of course that feels inappropriate. And he’s not doing it with you any more, I’d imagine.

Hope you are doing ok OP and getting some support in real life .