Feel that Dh friendship with woman is destroying our marriage

[gruffalo5]

Dh and I happily married for over 15 years, 3 dc. 2 years ago a woman joins dh workplace and they gradually become very good friends. She has Dh and dc. Last year I asked to borrow his phone for a number and saw her name (he hadn’t mentioned her at that point) to my shame I looked and saw their messages and there were so, so many, day and late into the evening. They weren’t particularly flirty but what hit me like a punch to the stomach was the obvious closeness and fondness they have for each other. Things they were both interested in going to see. My dh and I have always had that great friends kind of relationship as well as being married so I think it especially hurt. I owned up and asked him about it and he was really angry I’d looked and accused me of coercive control when I asked him to reduce the messaging. They see each other at work so why she has to send him photos on a Friday night and of what’s she’s up to at the weekend I don’t really understand.
He has other female friends which I’ve never thought twice about but there’s something about her that feels as though she’s pushing the boundaries and it’s creating such a wedge between us. Admittedly I’ve been very upset and over emotional and it was suggested I go on ADs which has helped me a bit but I still feel really upset as though she’s always there now, in the background. He says I’m destroying the marriage by being like this and nothing is happening with them, they are just mates. Just don’t know what to do, it all just makes me feel very sad and that maybe I’m not enough anymore.

I understand your point but I think I would really struggle with seeing her. I guess on some level I feel a bit of a fool. I also feel quite angry with her.
I did meet once before I saw the messages. She was very friendly with me and I was fine with her but I also sensed a slight weirdness to our meeting if that makes sense?

Stop for a second. The what's and what ifs don't matter right now. What matters is that something your dh has done has caused you to feel so low, so anxious, that you have started taking ADs. Enough is enough.
Ultimatum time. It's you or her. And mean it. At the moment, he's getting the best of both worlds, you have expressed your discomfort and he's ignored it.
We make boundaries, and women, by a long chalk, have set the bar far too low for themselves and how they let others make them feel. Set your boundaries firmly moving forward. Give him that ultimatum. No further conversation required. His response will tell you everything you need to know. Then move forward with or without him.

YANBU. You're not concerned about other female friends because his relationships with them seem 'normal'.

With this colleague he appears to be talking all day at work and then sending and receiving several messages daily in the evenings and weekends. To me that is beyond normal. I wouldn't expect standard friendships to involve constant messaging to and fro. This sounds like something more, something closer.

His response to your concern about it seems worrying. Almost gaslighting. How many of his other friends does he message several times a day?

Have you ever met her, or gone out with her and your DH?

If a man was doing this to a woman we would see it as coercive control. Of course if it’s a deal breaker for op she should break up but I don’t think her partner is being unreasonable for having a friend

Again, yes to this.

if my DH was contacting ANYONE with this frequency, I’d find it weird. His primary relationship is me and our DC. He has lots of friends and sees lots of people, cycles, runs, but no one has that kind of position in his life, except me.

I’d not be happy that he’s made a bestie elsewhere. Not happy at all, in fact it would stop, or we would be in trouble. If you need to spell that out, you’re already in trouble.

What I'd not be happy with is not the obvious fondness and volume of messages, but the fact he hid his relationship with her by omission. If it was a man I'd bet my bottom dollar he'd have told you. He didn't tell you because he knows he's wrong. It's no coercive control to ask him to limit his interactions with another woman who he has a fondness for.

This sort of thing is why men struggle to maintain friendships!

He's entitled to social contact with other people.

It can be weird seeing our partners ' private correspondence with other people but the answer is not to look.

It’s not more important than their marriage though is it? What he’s saying is he won’t be controlled by his wife.

What is clear is that one way or another this can't carry on. People can say 'he can have his own friends' all they like but until that rings true for you you can't live with it. Your DH needs to know this. If he thinks you are being too controlling and refuses to talk about it or change anything, then you have to decide between feeling like this and being with him (as things are, not how you would like them to be) or not feeling like this and not being with him.

For what it's worth, I doubt your gut is wrong. That's not to say they're having an affair but if you know their friendship has changed your relationship you'd be the one to know about it - trust yourself. Antidepressants are meant to curb feelings of depression not make you behave like a good little wifey and they are certainly NOT an indication of you being irrational. I can't actually believe some in here are suggesting that.

When I told my DH that I was uncomfortable with his relationship with a female colleague, he didn't try to deflect or defend, he assured me that nothing untoward was going on, an immediately altered his interactions with her.

He says I’m destroying the marriage by being like this and nothing is happening with them, they are just mates.

If he thinks this is destroying the marriage, why doesn't he stop it? He is going to deny it til the cows come home but you know and he both know that this one particular friendship is different. It is impacting your marriage.

I would be asking why he is making that choice. Is it because he has feelings for her that he wants to explore more or is it because he doesn't care how upsetting it is for you.

Does he like blaming you for the stress caused by his actions? Very odd to suggest you take medication to cope with his choices.

I would be making plans to separate and really see where his priorities lie.

Honestly having been there I initially blamed ‘her’ - why is she constantly texting my husband on evenings and weekends. But then I realised he’s allowing her to. We argued so much about it and of course I was blamed - all the usual - paranoid, irrational, mental, insane, they’re just friends, what’s my issue etc etc etc but I KNEW I just knew by the tone of her messages and the pattern that a connection was growing. I stood my ground. I said it makes me feel sad and very uncomfortable. I didn’t tell him don’t text her, I told him how their communication made me feel. Regularly. It eventually dwindled and stopped. And he made a significant effort to focus on me again. First thing first, you’re not crazy, your feelings are valid. That’s your starting point in any future discussions. It helped me a lot to stay calm and non accusatory but also firm and rational in repeating the impact it was having on me. That did seem to work. Eventually.

This ⬆️ this is what happens in a healthy relationship when a man has nothing to hide.

@User6874356 asking for respect isn't coercive control. OP openly admits he has other female friends which she has no issue with. The issue is with the frequency and content of said messages/calls/conversations, which over step her boundaries.
There is no need for 2 married people to be pursuing a friendship which is this close and so time consuming. I for one wouldn't be happy either..regardless to how innocent the friendship may be, his wife should come first, no questions asked.

I’d think it was a bit weird if I discovered my DH was sending very frequent messages all day to someone he never mentioned. Any friends who have that degree of significance in his life I would expect them to have come up in the conversation.

And who suggested the antidepressants?

Agree with @FlowerBee62

Willing to bet he would not be at all happy if OP was messaging a male college late into the evening and going out for drinks with him, either with or without other colleagues.

And I’m willing to bet that the evening meet up was organised by him or her, with a few others invited for cover.

Looks like he won’t give this up OP and he isn’t exactly going out of his way to reassure you. I would trust your gut. There is more to this and they are deluding no one, except maybe themselves, by pretending there isn’t. Doesn’t mean they will go further, but in my opinion they have an attraction/connection they are so wrapped up in that they can’t see how obvious it looks from the outside.

I would likely start planning to leave because having been there and done the ‘pick me’ stuff I CBA with that ever again.

Sorry that your DH is being a prat. You deserve better.

💐

I agree, It doesn't sound like you're the sort of person who is controlling.. He has other female friends and that doesn't bother you.
Seems like this is different, I wouldn't like it either.

He was messaging this woman and didn't even tell OP any thing about her. So it was a secret friendship.
He is working with this woman and yet he is sending multiple messages outside work including late at night.
The messages show an emotional closeness.
This is not appropriate behaviour for a married man whose primary relationship is supposed to be his wife.
OP is quite right to be concerned about this relationship. It is not controlling of her to ask her DH to pull back from an inappropriate friendship with another woman.

You are perfectly within your rights to expect your DH to refrain from overly familiar friendships with other women,especially if it's not a mutual friend. If there are women who are comfortable and happy with their husband cavorting about with other female 'friends' and they constantly message each other I say each to their own boundaries. I definitely wouldn't accept this behaviour and if its causing you anxiety neither should you OP.

It's curious that these men never develop such intense friendships with 62 year old Keith from Accounts which include texting into the night and over the weekend and sending each other photos having already spent the whole day together.

It's always another women.

it was suggested I go on ADs by who? Your husband?

My thoughts exactly.!

I actually missed OP's update about the going for drinks with the OW and lying about it.
If he lied about that what else has he lied about?
And again he has turned this back on to being OP's fault: he lied because it was her fault for being upset at his behaviour.
Just as he is blaming OP. for breaking the marriage up when it's actually his behaviour with this OW that is doing that.

The fact is that if you need to take anti-depressants to cope with your marriage, you should end the marriage.

He is messaging this woman and meeting up with her, while telling you that you're the one exerting coercive control. Honestly, get rid of him and tell the woman's partner why you're doing it.

This man is a cheat who is gaslighting you so that you need medication to cope.