Feel that Dh friendship with woman is destroying our marriage

[gruffalo5]

Dh and I happily married for over 15 years, 3 dc. 2 years ago a woman joins dh workplace and they gradually become very good friends. She has Dh and dc. Last year I asked to borrow his phone for a number and saw her name (he hadn’t mentioned her at that point) to my shame I looked and saw their messages and there were so, so many, day and late into the evening. They weren’t particularly flirty but what hit me like a punch to the stomach was the obvious closeness and fondness they have for each other. Things they were both interested in going to see. My dh and I have always had that great friends kind of relationship as well as being married so I think it especially hurt. I owned up and asked him about it and he was really angry I’d looked and accused me of coercive control when I asked him to reduce the messaging. They see each other at work so why she has to send him photos on a Friday night and of what’s she’s up to at the weekend I don’t really understand.
He has other female friends which I’ve never thought twice about but there’s something about her that feels as though she’s pushing the boundaries and it’s creating such a wedge between us. Admittedly I’ve been very upset and over emotional and it was suggested I go on ADs which has helped me a bit but I still feel really upset as though she’s always there now, in the background. He says I’m destroying the marriage by being like this and nothing is happening with them, they are just mates. Just don’t know what to do, it all just makes me feel very sad and that maybe I’m not enough anymore.

So are you saying you would be comfortable with your partner persistently messaging someone of the opposite sex, including late at night, and choosing to go on nights out with them instead of resolving any issues with you?

There should never need to be “it’s her or me” coming up, because he should be showing that his wife is the priority and setting a precedent of security and stability in the relationship.

I will say it till Im blue in the face, men and women simply cannot be friends. There is ALWAYS a subtext.

Her DH works with this woman, sends multiple messages to this woman out with working hours and up to late at night He goes out socialising with her to events.
As a married man with children how can he be spending so much of his time and his interest in another woman and it not relegating his wife and family to second place in his thoughts and his priorities?

He does all this with his woman friend despite knowing the upset he is causing his wife and the toll it is taking on her. He has told her the friendship is more important than his .marriage.

And you just call this a normal friendship? I take it you do not value marriage as an institution if you think it takes second place to a relationship with another woman.

Well the reason it’s got to the point where he’s going on nights out (with other friends too) and not resolving is because he’s constantly being accused of having an affair. If you were accused of that and weren’t are you telling me you’d sit there calmly night after night trying to reassure your wife without getting fed up? The whole reason it’s at this stage is because OP isn’t giving up until her DH drops the friendship, but he’s adamant he won’t, as he feels like he’s got to defend himself now against these accusations. Sorry I’m with him on this one. If OP doesn’t want her marriage to be over then she needs to change tactics as this is one way of destroying the marriage for good. A shame when young DC are involved. I can understand ending a marriage over an affair but over a friendship seems excessive to me.

And also OP women on here like to encourage women to LTB, but it’s not them who will be struggling to make ends meet and upset seeing their kids go off to their dads for the weekend. And eventually their dad and his new partner.

You are wrong. I have male friends ..no subtext at all

Not for you, but you wouldnt want to set foot inside their heads.

How can you get inside all men’s heads? Please explain?

Agree I’ve got lifelong male friends attached and single and never anything appropriate been said or done to any of the single women in our mixed group.

"Just jealous that he's close to another female"

So OP should have to accept behaviours she is uncomfortable with and basically “put up and shut up” because if not she is “controlling”

You haven’t answered my question, would you be comfortable with your partner constantly messaging someone of the opposite sex, who they also work with, and are meeting up for on nights out?

What he is doing is not ok. If I was him and seen that my spouse was so upset about one of my friendships I would absolutely curtail it.

He isn’t doing that and he is stamping all over your boundaries.

I would calmly ask him to move out for a week whilst you assess your feelings.

That will give him a dose of reality and he might make a decision to ditch the woman.

You could always message her husband to enlighten him on their numerous communications!

@gruffalo5 I agree with you it's the lies and over friendship.
My dh lied to me and I just stay in same house as couldn't afford two houses but we really do nothing together, think menopause is also part of my problem, I hold a grudge

The pickmes always come out in force on these types of threads. If they didnt exist, all these men wouldnt have female "fwends" to flirt with be friends with. Usually its the men doing the running cos they love the attention and the thought that one day something might happen but sometimes its the women like in OPs case.

Well I don’t know as it would depend on the circumstances. I’d like to know how often these nights out, you’re suggesting these are frequent, but I haven’t seen that this is the case. Colleagues do go out for drinks, and this isn’t just 2 people meeting up. I do think it’s controlling yes telling a partner you don’t want them texting a work colleague as you don’t like it. It would get my back up too if it was a platonic friendship. I don’t know what will be achieved by the way this is going, apart from the end of the relationship anyway. If OP won’t accept the friendship and he won’t stop the friendship then the marriage is over. Who is the person to blame is irrelevant as both will blame the other. Anyway, that’s how I feel about this, it’s irrelevant too what I think, but not everyone is going to think the man is in the wrong here.

I’m not going back and forth discussing with people who have a different opinion, as I’ve got better things to do with my evening. OP just know this, 99% of women will tell you to the LTB as that’s what they’d do, when the reality is most won’t if it comes to it, as they don’t want to upset their kids or leave their comfortable home etc. Make up your own mind and don’t be influenced by people comments on what’s a fictional scenario to them.

I am disgusted with your DH - his friendship with this woman has made you so sad you are on anti depressants and he is still choosing her over you. He is the one breaking up your young family, not you, I would never chose another man over my dp. You and the kids should be the centre of his earth - this is normal but his behavior isn’t. I don’t know what advice to offer you but I am sending you a big hug and solidarity x

I agree that she doesn't get to choose who his friends are but she has a right to voice if certain friendships are making her uncomfortable and he has a choice to put his wife first or not

My issue with this "friendship" is the amount of communication and depth of friendship yet his wife doesn't know about the so called friendship. My spouse knows my friends and no he doesn't have to read my messages but he knows who am I in communication with, sometimes I will share somethings from my chat with my friends (eg something funny or xx's child is having a part etc). I really don't see a scenario where has has such a deep strong friendship with a woman and his wife has sno clause about it. That secrecy is the issue.

Again I'm not saying she has to know everything what are talking about etc but I know who my spouses friends are, who he chats with regularly and who he chats with once in a while and vice versa.

And I hate when people start using actuations of snooping to cover up wrong behavior, my spouse doesn't check my phone but he has access to it and can see what going on if needed and are you saying as a women she asks for her husbands phone to check something, he gives it to her and she sees a message that makes her concerned your position is she should ignore it and pretend she never saw it? That's called sticking your head in the sand madam. She has every right to ask if she saw it simple. If she was sneaking around while he slept to get I to his phone etc ok maybe but he gave it to her, you don't get to turn it on her and pretend his relationship with his "friend" he above board.

That is called gaslighting when you try to spin things and accuse the person to make them question themselves and stop pushing for answers.

Seriously I read some posts on mumsnet and wonder wtf.

I totally agree with you that it is very dodgy and inappropriate for him to maintain a "friendship" where they are messaging in secret late into the night and she don't even know of his so called friend until she saw the messages.

And his reaction is very telling as well, guilt and gaslighting trying to attack her for snooping.

Point is he shouldn’t be this close to another female. Usually in the most happy relationships your partner should be the best friend, not some pick me from work!

This has little to do with colleagues meeting up after work etc. This is to do with a woman's husband developing a very close bond with another woman and texting back and forwards with her at all times of the day and night. They are both being extremely disrespectful. The OP is clearly distressed about the extent of this relationship and justifiably so.The majority are not saying LTB.They are saying this man should cool the beans with this 'friend' and put his wife's feelings first. Perfectly reasonable imo.

I’m clearly in the minority here (at least in terms of people commenting) but… I really think it’s OK to have friends of the opposite sex, and to chat to your friends. I can’t really see what he’s done wrong here, EXCEPT for one very weird thing - are you saying you didn’t know she existed until you found these messages? What confuses me though is that you don’t seem to think that’s the weird bit? Usually couples talk about their friends.

It's not a question of not having friends. It's about not engaging with your wife and mother of your kids when she says that friendship is making her feel weird and excluded. That is worth at least a conversation otherwise you are valuing the friendship over your relationship with your wife. Or you are valuing the principle of being about to do whatever the hell you like even if it upsets your wife over your relationship with your wife.

This is very similar to the lady whose husband was spending a lot of time with and doing odd jobs for their neighbour. As much as the lady told him it upset her, he wouldn’t stop and told her she making it all up and was BVU
She left …. I wish I could find her post.
Your gut isn’t wrong OP 💐

Grey rock, ducks in a row and solicitor.

You have gone through the numerous stages of trying to make him understand that he has upset, ignored and hurt you.

There is no more you can do, you have even gone on anti depressants to quell your pain, fear and anger.

This man is not a nice person, rather than appeal to his better nature, you have been reduced to beg for his mercy, he is cruel and has completely ignored your feelings.

That is not a husband.

Time to act, but as things stand he has already destroyed your bond.
You cannot make him a kind, safe partner, it's too late, the damage is done, this is the real him, he was always capable of extreme cruelty.