Feel that Dh friendship with woman is destroying our marriage

[gruffalo5]

Dh and I happily married for over 15 years, 3 dc. 2 years ago a woman joins dh workplace and they gradually become very good friends. She has Dh and dc. Last year I asked to borrow his phone for a number and saw her name (he hadn’t mentioned her at that point) to my shame I looked and saw their messages and there were so, so many, day and late into the evening. They weren’t particularly flirty but what hit me like a punch to the stomach was the obvious closeness and fondness they have for each other. Things they were both interested in going to see. My dh and I have always had that great friends kind of relationship as well as being married so I think it especially hurt. I owned up and asked him about it and he was really angry I’d looked and accused me of coercive control when I asked him to reduce the messaging. They see each other at work so why she has to send him photos on a Friday night and of what’s she’s up to at the weekend I don’t really understand.
He has other female friends which I’ve never thought twice about but there’s something about her that feels as though she’s pushing the boundaries and it’s creating such a wedge between us. Admittedly I’ve been very upset and over emotional and it was suggested I go on ADs which has helped me a bit but I still feel really upset as though she’s always there now, in the background. He says I’m destroying the marriage by being like this and nothing is happening with them, they are just mates. Just don’t know what to do, it all just makes me feel very sad and that maybe I’m not enough anymore.

I would class this as an emotional affair. he is pouring his time, focused attention, and emotional energy into his friendship with her, late into the evening and sounds like a lot of the day also. I bet he's thinking of her in the small window of time he's not actively Messaging her. This is everything he should be investing into his relationship with YOU. He is focused on her rather than you and your relationship. To me that's emotional infidelity. And those faux naive posters saying 'oh is he not allowed friendships then?' he has other friendships none of which have this intensity. It doesn't matter whether it's flirty or not, romantic or not. He's lavishing his focused attention on this woman, and that's not acceptable.

I read a post on here about men and their intense work friendships bordering on affairs, along the lines of 'it's never Graham from Accounts they are messaging day and night, it's always some young ish attractive woman who's caught their attention.'

Yes, counselling is a good idea. As it's apparently your behaviour that's destroying the marriage, I'm sure he'd love to support the marriage by attending sessions with you, to help you understand what's behind the harmful behaviours...

No you def wouldn’t want to throw it away. But this situation is making you sad. Poorly even. There’s a reason for that. It’s because it’s out of order. And you know it is. And he probably does too. But he’s trying to create a false narrative that nothing is out of order and you’re the one with the problem.

i remember using this analogy for my situation when I explained it to a friend; (bear with me it’s a bit weird!) say you had a leak in the bathroom drip drip drip drip…it’s subtle but you notice it first…you point it out…he says there’s no drip you’re hearing things….so it continues…drip drip drip eventually a puddle. You say ‘this puddle is getting bigger and bothering me I’m worried we have a leak that’s going to cause a lot of damage if we don’t fix it’ he says ‘there’s no problem at all, I don’t see a problem and you’re still imagining that drip and now you’re convinced there’s a puddle there’

So it carries on and eventually your bathroom floods. But he still just denies it. And you’re there screaming ‘the bloody bathroom is flooded and you’re just telling me it isn’t when I can see it is! Can you just fix that leak or it’s going to destroy the house!’

And he says you’re insane. There’s no leak. It’s just a drip. Look I’ve turned to tap off a bit tighter that should keep you quiet. Now if you would just stop talking about that leak it will go away and I won’t have to worry about fixing it’

no wonder you feel like you’re going insane.

I wouldn't waste my time or money!

for What it’s worth I don’t think you’re over-reacting at all. You know him and you knew straight away the level and tone of communication was odd for him. People messaging constantly in this scenario are doing so because they literally can’t stop thinking about one another. You should be worried IMO. I’ve seen it so often in workplaces

He doesnt need to understand or feel the same about you befriending a man it should be enough to know ur not happy with it and that its upsetting u. If he wont drop her for you and he is pulling the controlling card he isnt happy in your marriage. People drop their friends when they are into someone. He isnt making your feelings a priority maybe because he doesnt care anymore

@gruffalo5 this is brilliant advice. Withdraw from him as much as possible and don't be seen as his domestic helper, match his energy and be less available. Invest in yourself and your own friendships, leave the dc with him and go out and get a life for yourself. He needs to know what it feels like to not have you around all the time. I'm outraged on your behalf, it's disgusting that he's turning it back on you saying it's coercive control and getting you to go on ADs. You're not the problem here

I ended up back in contact with an old (male) school friend recently. We were messaging back and forth. He was going through a divorce, I was giving him advice as a female on what he’s going through as he wanted my perspective.

my husband did not like it. He didn’t ask me to stop but he didn’t like it, so I stopped speaking to the other man. There was absolutely nothing in it for me in any way shape or form but his discomfort meant I could not continue out of respect for my husband.

There's obviously something going on, OP. What, exactly, we don't know. May be a strong connection, but not an affair. Or anything.

However, how do you want the situation to be fixed? If you "make" him stop taking to her, he will resent you. If he keeps things as they are, you will resent him. (and you are already gaslighting yourself trying to believe it's nothing).

Personally, I think that the expectation of being the most (and only) important person in someone's life for decades is just setting people up to fail. But I understand that's what OP wants, and perhaps you could deal with that from the starting point that there's something going on, and how you and your DH can deal with it.

Your husband is happy that you went on AD to get over your emotional state because of his friendship with a work colleague? Really!! I can honestly say that no married woman would be happy with their husband being friends with another woman when they have been hiding their online and RL friendship. Please realise you are not in the wrong, he is gaslighting you and putting this friendship above your marriage and mental health. You deserve better.

Yes, that was my point.

Thr OP was not asking her husband to end the relationship , her first message said she asked him to reduce the texting. That's all.

I wonder if her dh knows and if he’s ok with it himself?

The book ‘Not just friends’ by Shirley Glass may help you understand why you are unhappy with this situation.

It’s a quick read and it may help.

He hasn't said that friendship is more important than his marriage, he has said that his wife is happy with him having friends and he is not happy for her to control who they are.

This. if I became THAT close with someone (or my DH did) one of us would question it. It doesn’t sound like a usual friendship. Maybe he didn’t do anything but maybe your spidey senses are telling you it could. I don’t agree or with telling anyone who they can be friends with but it sounds like an inappropriate level of contact and why should OP not flag that if she knows about it?

Out of interest, who told you to go on antidepressants OP?

ShoehornSheryl Yes that’s all I wanted.

This is weird because i have male friends but id never be up all hours texting them - especially if they have partners/kids.

You express how hurtful you find it, it being his behaviour.

and now you’re on medication and being told that YOUR behaviour is destroying your marriage?

wtaf is this. No OP. Don’t medicate because your husband makes you feel like shit. You’re not depressed. Your husband is a gaslighting wanker prioritising this friendship over you.

There is no way that if this was a male friend they would be messaging that much….There is definitely a connection that isn’t appropriate.

Totally agree. I’ve got really close male friends that chat to and message regularly and by regularly I mean once a week or so as a catch up with maybe the odd meme or joke inbetween.

Maybe you should start talking to Dave the builder all day, soo if he thinks it's the same.

Unfortunately, her husband is!

It's normal to have friends.

It's not normal to have one intense secret friend.

That's the difference.

The problem really is his denial that this one particular friend is any different to the others. He is defensive about it which means that he wants to protect the relationship even if that damages his marriage.

That's the bit that you should focus on OP. He can have whatever friends he likes and any kind of relationship with them if he is single.

Refusing to even entertain the idea that he feels differently about her shows that he values her attention more than your relationship. In fact, he's being worse to you because he is lying to you, gaslighting you, making you ill and expecting you to just shut up and take it.

This is not the sign of a committed partner. People like him are the sort that cheat because they know they can bully their partner into turning a blind eye.

You really have my sympathy OP, as I'd feel similar to you. Lots of people on here might say otherwise, but I think since this is bothering you, he should be dialing back his contact with her. Why is this "friendship" so important to him that he's letting it ruin his marriage? I'd be asking him that. Would it be okay with him if the situation was reversed and you had a close male friend?