Feel that Dh friendship with woman is destroying our marriage

[gruffalo5]

Dh and I happily married for over 15 years, 3 dc. 2 years ago a woman joins dh workplace and they gradually become very good friends. She has Dh and dc. Last year I asked to borrow his phone for a number and saw her name (he hadn’t mentioned her at that point) to my shame I looked and saw their messages and there were so, so many, day and late into the evening. They weren’t particularly flirty but what hit me like a punch to the stomach was the obvious closeness and fondness they have for each other. Things they were both interested in going to see. My dh and I have always had that great friends kind of relationship as well as being married so I think it especially hurt. I owned up and asked him about it and he was really angry I’d looked and accused me of coercive control when I asked him to reduce the messaging. They see each other at work so why she has to send him photos on a Friday night and of what’s she’s up to at the weekend I don’t really understand.
He has other female friends which I’ve never thought twice about but there’s something about her that feels as though she’s pushing the boundaries and it’s creating such a wedge between us. Admittedly I’ve been very upset and over emotional and it was suggested I go on ADs which has helped me a bit but I still feel really upset as though she’s always there now, in the background. He says I’m destroying the marriage by being like this and nothing is happening with them, they are just mates. Just don’t know what to do, it all just makes me feel very sad and that maybe I’m not enough anymore.

I would trust your gut here. A friendship is fine but the fact that he's hidden it and lied to you shows that this isn't a normal friendship. It sounds like, even if nothing physical has happened, he has developed a romantic style of connection with her. And he'd rather gaslight you than prioritise your wellbeing.

Giving my life to my husband was a massive mistake. I’m not married to my current partner and do see it lasting but we are 2 individuals sharing a big part of our lives with each other, but not all. It is far more healthy and enjoyable

You don’t know that!!!

I can guarantee his male friends are not constantly on the phone to him.

All you 'cool' people who think it's entirely OK for him to have such an intense friendship with another woman! Of course it isn't OK and his priority should be his wife and family.

I'm sure he would be entirely happy if the situation were reversed - not!

Yes, you could try this. I guarantee he won't like the idea and if he even puts it to her, she won't want to come

In my opinion OP, there are two types of male / female friendships.

There are genuine, platonic, long standing (or sometimes newer - through work, hobbies etc.) friendships whereby you chat to the person the same you'd chat to someone of the same sex - send each other jokes / memes, occasionally meet up for a drink or something to eat and catch up, both your partners have met / know about / ask after each other and you tell your OH when you are seeing this friend (sometimes they even come along). Basically you just see each other as mates - irrelevant of sex. I have male friends like this, DP has female friends like this.

Then there are the ones that we read about on here. Where the "friends" are texting late into the night, hiding / minimalising contact, pretending they are out in a group when it's actually just the two of them, don't have any involvement in each others lives / families (basically in their own little "friendship" bubble), get angry / accusatory when their wife / husband suggests there might be something untoward going on ("how dare you suggest that?! We're just good friends! He / she understands me / she's going through a tough time blah blah blah).

And yeah sadly these second ones aren't friendships at all. They're pretending to be friends to cover what's actually going on . Maybe nothing more IS going on, but they're not proper friends in the genuine sense of the word...

Complete agree. I certainly wouldn’t put up with it, and I don’t think many others would either.

I think priority doesn’t mean what you think it means. Priority doesn’t mean exclusive and sole female relationship.

lordy, tell me you suffer extreme jealousy without telling me you suffer extreme jealousy,

There are loads of red flags. Only you know how you feel so trust yourself on this. You have gut feelings for a reason.

Based on what he's said I'd be making my exit plan. I wouldn't put up with another important woman in my DH's life. The fact that he doesn't see the issue or can see your side is very telling.

Tbh I think one of the most unpleasant things about your DH's behaviour is how he is turning it all on you. Making out you are mentally unwell when it is his behaviour that is problematic. It's actually cruel.
I have seen multiple posts on MN where women have said they could have coped with their DH / partner having a physical affair much much better than an emotional one. But your DH is manipulating you into thinking because he hasn't physically been unfaithful he is not at fault. But he is being emotionally unfaithful.

Theweepywillow
I know exactly what priority means, and you are being obtuse.

Are your mates seemingly closer to you than your husband?

Yeah that’s what I got told too. ‘She’s got a partner she’s not interested in me’ blah blah blah. Really? Okay explain x, y, z message…. all rubbish designed to shut me up.

I would not tolerate this. If he is refusing to engage with you, disengage from him. Go out, see friends, get hobbies, be bright and breezy and stop having sex with him. Show him your attention has moved elsewhere, see how he likes it.

Over nearly 40 years of working predominantly withp men, I've had lots of colleagues I like and get on with. Some have become friends, some have been a huge support in difficult times.

The ones who want my time alone (or who I find myself wanting to be alone with) or who send lots of "chatty" messages out of hours, have always become a problem eventually. One took 10 years, but it always happens in the end, even though at time we worked very hard at convincing ourselves we were just friends.

Now, I have a very mixed friendship group, but for the sake of self preservation and everyone's sanity, I don't message Any married men outside of group chats and I don't meet up with them 121. They're still friends, but we're not besties.

I don’t want to throw away a (until now) great marriage not to mention how it will be for our young dc. He is kind and swears it’s all above board but the friendship still makes me feel so sad. He just doesn’t understand why and I don’t think he ever will.

Of course he understands why, he just doesn't want to give it up. Would he "understand" if you had such a close friendship with another man?

That makes total sense to me, having experienced it @gruffalo5 and, oddly, I felt like a spare wheel when in the presence of the two of them. Very, very odd. I was way too easy-going for the early years of my marriage. Now, I would be laying the law down, tell him what your expectations are, explain to him some of the things pp on here have said, e.g., would it really be acceptable for you to have such a close male friend in an identical situation to the one you are experiencing?

Deep down I know I should be ok with it

Why? Who is telling you that you should be ok with your husband repeatedly doing something that is upsetting you, knowing that it is making you ill and refusing to do anything about it because he doesn't love or respect you enough.

Who is telling you should be ok with that?

So how does he explain the lies and secrecy op?

I'd have a serious problem if my husband felt his right to maintain a close friendship with another woman (colleague or not) was more important than the fact that it made me miserable. Friendships don't have to be that intense, requiring daily contact.

I think speaking to a marriage counsellor would be a good idea. Get an impartial opinion. With luck, it could improve things between you, but if nothing else you can use it to get a clearer picture of where you stand with your husband. If someone else suggests the friendship could/should be allowed to cool slightly and your husband still resists, I'd take some time to consider whether or not he's the man you thought he was.

Bullshit. He does understand why. He just doesn't want to stop speaking to her.

He'd understand alright if it caused a separation between you both.

It appears to me that it's gaslighting 101

Would he be open to counselling (with the reasoning being that it might help you come off meds?)

No doubt because if he told her truth (about him going out with her even though apparently there was a group of them - yeah right 🙄) then OP wouldn't be happy even though there is definitely, 100% nothing at all going on and it's all in OPs mind. They all trot out the same line.

As I said in my last post, if someone is lying about a friendship / how much they're texting / not saying when they meet up, then it is not innocent.