Feel that Dh friendship with woman is destroying our marriage

[gruffalo5]

Dh and I happily married for over 15 years, 3 dc. 2 years ago a woman joins dh workplace and they gradually become very good friends. She has Dh and dc. Last year I asked to borrow his phone for a number and saw her name (he hadn’t mentioned her at that point) to my shame I looked and saw their messages and there were so, so many, day and late into the evening. They weren’t particularly flirty but what hit me like a punch to the stomach was the obvious closeness and fondness they have for each other. Things they were both interested in going to see. My dh and I have always had that great friends kind of relationship as well as being married so I think it especially hurt. I owned up and asked him about it and he was really angry I’d looked and accused me of coercive control when I asked him to reduce the messaging. They see each other at work so why she has to send him photos on a Friday night and of what’s she’s up to at the weekend I don’t really understand.
He has other female friends which I’ve never thought twice about but there’s something about her that feels as though she’s pushing the boundaries and it’s creating such a wedge between us. Admittedly I’ve been very upset and over emotional and it was suggested I go on ADs which has helped me a bit but I still feel really upset as though she’s always there now, in the background. He says I’m destroying the marriage by being like this and nothing is happening with them, they are just mates. Just don’t know what to do, it all just makes me feel very sad and that maybe I’m not enough anymore.

Thank you all.
ive suggested counselling and he’s refused.
I think this might be my ultimatum then at least we’ve tried everything. I want to be able to say how I feel without him walking off and shutting me down.

That's very sensible, if he doesn't want counselling, it will really show the value he has on your marriage and I'm afraid from what we can all see here it's not great at the moment, good luck OP, I'm glad you were able to defend your position

This sounds very much like my DH and his ‘special work friend’. The arguments have been going on for well over a year now. He even suggested after months of knowing I was upset about their relationship that we might aswell split up because not being friends with her would make it ‘a bit awkward at work’. FFS. He has never once decided to put me first and cut down the amount of contact with her. He convinced himself she was just his friend despite telling me they were very close, connected, had a bond, got on well, had loads in common, she was his best friend, he loved working with her, they supported each other blah blah blah. And of course the old chestnut ‘but shes been through so much’. Most of which was her own making (got into trouble at work) and she ain't the only person in the world who’s lost a parent. But apparently she needed his support according to him. She is married by the way, but she felt she could tell my husband she has cheated on her H at least twice and one of those times was with another married male colleague ffs. In the last few weeks , however, he has done a U turn. He says he has listened to what Ive been saying ie he’s been acting like a giddy teenager with his first gf and he cant believe he thought of her as his best friend cuz he’s only known her five minutes. He even called himself pathetic in his quest to be her bestie. Im not sure she even thinks of him in the same way tbh. She likes the attention for sure but she has treated him like shit at times and she’s so patronising. She’s never done him a favour once even though he has run round after her like a bloody lap dog. It hurts that he still cannot think badly of her but was happy for us to part ways. Now he’s talking about changing jobs so their friendship can die a natural death apparently. Obviously her number will just fall off his phone? He wont get another job I know that. He also keeps saying that they dont message much now and he doesn't see her that often now. This is true BUT that is because she got moved to another team and they don't work together anymore not because he thought he had better put his marriage first and stop acting like her knight in shining armour. Ive followed your thread OP with interest as I have often thought of starting one myself about the same thing. I get what you mean about that feeling that your DH is no longer your friend, your safe person, the one that will fight your corner because they seem too busy doing that with someone else, even if they do think its all innocent. As for it being awkward or embarrassing for the OW to know what you are feeling, well my prat of a H bloody well told her what I thought because he was so ‘upset’ that he just had to talk to someone and of course she was the obvious choice apparently. He cant see that that was a massive betrayal of my trust, especially as he told me he would never do that, he is such a dickhead. Im rooting for you OP, I really hope your husband has done what he has said and stopped messaging her so much. The thing is you never really trust them again. I always feel like its him & her v me. Sorry I didn't mean to make this a long post about me, I just wanted you to know Im sending you love and strength cuz I know how shitty this situation is, you want to believe them but the choices they make make it very difficult. 💐

I get the feeling that he has just said enough to put the fire out for now - but you are not convinced, and rightly so. In any event, his past behavior and callousness cannot be undone.

You must be so worn out with all he's put you through. Take some time to get your strength back, write down your thoughts about everything that has been happening, and revisit when you feel a bit stronger.

And work on your exit plan. You'll probably need it at some point 💐

@gruffalo5 I have been in a similar situation and I got the 'it might affect work' etc- all I will say is 8 years after it came out my H has admitted over the years that he didn't have any friends he was close enough to discuss certain things and women are way easier to talk too about anything emotional. ( in his case he says it was about his mum dying and feeling like life was passing him by) As I said to him- how about talking to me- last time I looked I was a woman and I'm a pretty approachable one and if you can't talk to me, I can only assume it's 'about me' - all I will say is now you've had the chat if you would rather give it a chance, look at his actions, not his words.

He seems to be very protective of this "friend" over the feelings of his own wife.

I would insist on therapy to at least have an opportunity to express yourself and he also express himself if not I fear you will end up holding in a lot of resentment and hurt which will end up affecting your relationship.

Or asking you to go on antidepressants to shut you up!
why have things slowed down with her?! Odd!

It's great that he's said he will cut contact...time will tell if that's genuine.

Suggestions of counselling are a really good idea. I think you'd get benefits even if you went alone.

Word of warning though...some narcissistic arses can be very believable and lie even to a counsellor.
First hand experience of this and my ex.
He seemed genuine...it was all BS 😩

I don't believe for one minute that he will cut contact.

He's refusing counselling because he knows he's being a lying prick, and that every other person on the planet can see it.

But if noone else discusses it? Well, then he's only got you to dismiss.

Seriously. It's done. Watch him try to crawl back when he realises what he's fucked up.

OP it is not normal to text someone that much. He has a wife and children at home. Is he texting her while you make dinner and sort the children out. I have
male friends I meet for lunch and talk to but we don't text for hours or every day. That would be odd when we both have families of our own. You are not being controlling.

I think it is more than friends.

I don’t blame you for your feelings changing towards him. A person with self respect will draw a line under how much shit they can take. You have tried really hard here. I would have felt the same sadness and depression as you if my dp did this to me, I don’t think you have a depressive personably so please get counselling for yourself and get off those Ads please. He wants to numb and desensitise you, Please look after yourself. He’s shown himself to be an awful person.

OP my dh was also very keen that I didn’t tell anyone about the OW or approach her (and this was after confession of a 2 year affair!). It turned out he didn’t want to cause her any difficulty or sadness. The spin to me was ‘you are not that sort of person. You wouldn’t want to cause upset like that. She is not a bad person’ I was SO angry (I am still angry when I think about it). I did spill the beans (humiliating for me of course but I couldn’t let her get away with it - or him for that matter).
But you are in a different position in that it is not a 2 year shag-fest (sorry “amazing love” ) and your marriage could recover in time. It will depend on him being honest though and really cutting contact with her. I feel for you OP - once trust is gone it is hard work staying together. But if you want to you can do that.
maybe wait a while before you do anything. You will be calmer and able to think more clearly. Hopefully he realises what an idiot he has been.

After a few weeks I thought it was getting better but Saturday afternoon she messages him. Apparently about something they’re working on together. Absolutely no need to have messaged, they would have discussed it on Monday morning at work. Just an excuse to chat with him. His reaction is that’s fine, argh. All I asked is that he doesn’t respond/encourage it and talks about it on Monday. He said he wouldn’t respond but I’m pretty sure he had. So fed up with the lies.

Oh wow, I wouldn’t like this. Your DH may well say that he can choose who he’s friends with and I think that’s true, but what’s happened here is this other woman has chosen him and is choosing the pace of their interaction too. She’s in charge, not him, not you, but he’s letting her. And that’s disrespectful. Your whole marriage is dancing to her tune now.

How did you know she had messaged? Was he at least upfront about it?

I’m sorry oP. Your thread has made me quite sad because you sound lovely and I see what a difficult corner you have been backed into. It’s so easy for posters to say LTB but it’s easier when they have nothing invested in the relationship. As a poster above has said, your marriage is still salvageable but how far are you prepared to push it/ need to push it? Do you feel it is time to ask him to change jobs? It seems he is using the work-related line to his great convenience …

… put it this way, you don’t sound happy as things are.

He knows this issue upsets you, and yet he’s continued the contact and also lied about it to you.
I think he’s enjoying the drama of it. But the fact that the upset has ended up with you on ADs and he’s still not bothered is really Concerning. The contact is unnecessary, on a work basis, so what does that say?

Does he have frequent "fond" messaging with his male friends?

Nah, didnt think so.
Same old same old .

I am really concerned for you.
Are you still on anti depressants?

He understands perfectly what’s he’s doing
he’s getting a nice ego boost from her and some sort of emotional connection

he’s choosing his friendship with her over you

FFS what he’s doing has put you on anti depressants
if that doesn’t tell you what he’s doing is wrong
nothing will

hes told you that if you approach or say anything to her that will be the end

to be honest I would probably say fine
fuck you and her
go and be besties with her -

he’s treating you really badly

I asked him and he said he hadn’t but looked guilty.

Then went out that evening and was online quite a bit. Then he asked me what the rules were - what is he ‘allowed’ to do. He always comes back to him saying I am controlling him. I replied that I feel controlled by him and him being on his phone all evening which he knows makes me feel really uneasy. I also had asked to look at the message she had sent if it was just about work and he flatly refused.

Just kick him out now he needs a cold hard sharp dose of reality. I’ve been following this from the start and he’s absolutely taking you for a mug and taking advantage of your good nature and now he’s blaming you for being ‘controlling’
he knows what ‘the rules’ are. He knows fine well: so angry on your behalf.