Feel that Dh friendship with woman is destroying our marriage

[gruffalo5]

Dh and I happily married for over 15 years, 3 dc. 2 years ago a woman joins dh workplace and they gradually become very good friends. She has Dh and dc. Last year I asked to borrow his phone for a number and saw her name (he hadn’t mentioned her at that point) to my shame I looked and saw their messages and there were so, so many, day and late into the evening. They weren’t particularly flirty but what hit me like a punch to the stomach was the obvious closeness and fondness they have for each other. Things they were both interested in going to see. My dh and I have always had that great friends kind of relationship as well as being married so I think it especially hurt. I owned up and asked him about it and he was really angry I’d looked and accused me of coercive control when I asked him to reduce the messaging. They see each other at work so why she has to send him photos on a Friday night and of what’s she’s up to at the weekend I don’t really understand.
He has other female friends which I’ve never thought twice about but there’s something about her that feels as though she’s pushing the boundaries and it’s creating such a wedge between us. Admittedly I’ve been very upset and over emotional and it was suggested I go on ADs which has helped me a bit but I still feel really upset as though she’s always there now, in the background. He says I’m destroying the marriage by being like this and nothing is happening with them, they are just mates. Just don’t know what to do, it all just makes me feel very sad and that maybe I’m not enough anymore.

It doesn’t sound like he’s willing to change, particularly as he’s describing your (reasonable) boundaries as controlling. I think he’s shown you through his behaviours that he intends on continuing to text her outside of work. Your only option is to decide how you will react to this, and whether you are happy to accept it, or to move on.

You are a SAHM - when are you planning to return to work? How are your finances managed because you mention him going out but it's not clear if you also have your own interests and get to go out when you please.

Stop relying so much on a man and start thinking about making more of a life for yourself. That may reignite your friendship with your husband or may just put you in a better place to separate from him.

So: its well known that the addict in a family controls everything and everyone by their weakness and their threat of relapse. For a while, before you know what is wrong, you try to control yourself. You try to change what you do, say, wear, cook, etc…to keep your dh happy and at home and attentive.

After you know about an addiction you and the addict agree on ways he can control or avoid the addiction which is absorbing him and destroying the marriage. So irs true, in a weak sense, that you are asking him to control himself. Your DH’s accusation that you are “controlling “ is just a natural phase in what has become the reality: he wants to use (his emotional affair) and to preserve the marriage you don’t want him to use. You and he have agreed that he needs to control himself. But because he wants his addiction more than he wants a happy marriage he is going to shift the focus to how mean you are rather than accept the reality which is he can’t have you and his emotional affair.

I wouldn't like it either. The question is, do you trust him? Why is he so bothered about keeping the line of communication with her?! It's a but werid isn't it, that he can't keep it dry and save chats for work?!

So he lied then. Naughty.
I just couldn’t cope with this and I just really feel for you.
I think you need to let him know seriousness. This is not about control but about right and wrong! It’s that simple.

The old 'nothing is happening'! A great deal is happening! And you're medicating to deal with it. You poor thing. But you know now, he was never your friend.

OP at some point when you are ready, you need to take the power back. And get some respect back. And face the fact that maybe the only way this will happen is if you leave him.

Start getting things ready. You need to be in a position to call time, and have a plan in place for how that will look. This will include getting details of both your incomes and pensions and assets etc. and speaking to a solicitor about how things should proceed.

I would start building up as much of a social life as you can. You have always seen H as your best friend but he isn’t acting like one now so it’s time to build up support elsewhere. You say H goes out quite a bit with this ‘group’ of people. Do you go out too?

I would not contact her if I was you. If she is indeed planning to leave her partner and ‘win’ over yours, you will just give her confidence that it’s working. You’ll also give them something to bond over - ‘his crazy wife’.

I would never ask him about the messages again. You know he’s prepared to lie to you over her, so it’s a waste of your time and energy. Plus you will now be too busy planning and building your own networks. Your silence on it will rattle him. Might even get bolder with it to provoke something. Just walk away from any traps with a sigh.

I would also, I am afraid to say, be a lot more grey rock with him. He is far too confident that you will always hang around for him. Far too assured of your devotion. He needs to start seeing things differently.

Any ‘emotional’ discussions will feed into his narrative. I would be cutting all of that dead. He says ‘You need better antidepressants’ or ‘Remind me what the rules are again’ and you say clearly ‘Don’t speak to me like that again’ / ‘I won’t be discussing this with you again’ and calmly leave the room. Any hint of disrespect from him and he gets the same answer. This aspect of grey rock is very satisfying. It sets new and clear expectations of how you will be engaged with.

It’s possible he will realise what he has to lose when he sees you pulling away. If not, then he’s already moving on and it was time to separate anyway.

Sorry this is shit OP. If you stay and carry on behaving in the same way, this will destroy you.
💐

I burst into tears of frustration on the Saturday after she’d messaged. We’d been having a nice day and it was like she intruding into our time. Feels like she may as well have been in the room.
He doesn’t even try to reassure or comfort me. He says he can’t be both the comfort and the cause.
He insists there’s nothing going on. I do believe that he’s been faithful but he just doesn’t understand the pain of this emotional connection and I have to ‘deal with it’.

It’s never her fault though. She’s never to blame. I just don’t understand it, I would never message a married male colleague at the weekend about work when there was no need.

Of course he can be the cause of distress and the cure. NO ONE IS THIS STUPID. Literally no man does not know what he is doing to this extent.

He knows how you feel, he is not going to stop, nor give you the reassurance you need, nor bother to understand.

So, the change has to come from you OP.

Suck it up or do something about it is the unfortunate position he has put you in.

Continuing to cry and plead etc is just going to make him disrespect you more. And will push him towards her. She’ll be the ‘fun friend’ at the end of a text and in the office. The one to confide in about his ‘crazy wife who is losing the plot’. I have no doubt he fancies her btw. Even if he’s still denying it to himself.

I have been through similar with my husband. It is the intimacy that bothered me. He was telling her what clothes he had bought instead of showing me etc so it felt really petty. It then continued with can you take me to the airport, can you fix my boiler etc. It was taking time away from our weekend. I told him he needed to sort it out or i would be off. They are still friends but have firm boundaries. I can’t stand the woman but at least my husband understood where i was coming from.

With kindness, you are focussed on the wrong person here. Your issue isn’t the OW, it’s your husband . he’s not being faithful to you and he doesn’t love you the way you need to be loved, he is willing to lie to you and put her relationship wihh you ahead of his marriage.

it’s not about here it’s about who he is - if it wasn't this woman it would be someone else.

If you are going to stay with him you need to accept his as he is. make your peace with it, whatever that means - an open marriage , having your own affairs, whatever . he’s already made it clear that he’s not going to end it with OW.

Or divorce him and he happy on your own or with someone else in the future.

Staying and being this unhappy and trying to make him change is the worst of both worlds.

@gruffalo5 I have been in this position and all I can say is it's not either/or- you can 100% blame your husband whilst thinking she is a right piece of work too. I don't care how many women say 'well she isn't the problem - he is ' He is 100% the problem but she is the cause of the problem and clearly has sod all boundary's about overstepping the mark - some women simply don't- it's all about them-

Tbh the “ that may reignite your friendship” is a little condescending and blaming of op.

Yup

I’m sorry oP but this is very true.

OK so he says there's nothing going on, great show you the msg then, so easy to reasure you, but he hasn't, he is not a nice man, to see you upset and crying op I hope you find the strength some day

I was so pissed off on Saturday I asked for her number so I could message her myself and ask (calmly) if I should be worried that she is messaging my husband on a Saturday afternoon and would she mind leaving it until Monday as it was our family time. He was not happy and said I was NOT going to do that.
I don’t think I would have done, and appreciate it would have come across as the ‘crazy wife’ but i so want her to know. And to back off.
And if I’m honest, to make him uncomfortable.

Op by him not showing you the mgs, should be enough for you now, he didn't couldn't reassure you in that moment that's enough, him saying and doing nothing but protecting his conversation with ow says it all ,

Maybe you should reply that until he is deemed trustworthy, he needs to be controlled!

He is refusing to do anything about it, so yes, I think it is reasonable to tell her that her very frequent communications are having a bad affect on your marriage and she should back off as its inappropriate.
Any chance of having a snoop and getting the number without his permission? Any tablets connected, or maybe if he sleeps well?

See I wouldn't let her know but would consider going straight to her husband ask how he feels about there working relationship? Blow it right up , sorry just angry for op, how fooking cheeky texting him on Saturday wow!! That speaks volumes and then husband, all smug not reassuring op, am fulming

You've asked him to stop it. If he won't, you can either lump it or leave him.

This is not something you will be able to sort out with OW, who he will continue to see.

Although it makes me sad it is reassuring that I’m not the only one who thinks it’s unfair. Feel like I’m going a bit mad sometimes. He says it’s my problem because I’ve created something that isn’t there and he’s completely faithful. And it’s weird to look at each other’s messages.