Feel that Dh friendship with woman is destroying our marriage

[gruffalo5]

Dh and I happily married for over 15 years, 3 dc. 2 years ago a woman joins dh workplace and they gradually become very good friends. She has Dh and dc. Last year I asked to borrow his phone for a number and saw her name (he hadn’t mentioned her at that point) to my shame I looked and saw their messages and there were so, so many, day and late into the evening. They weren’t particularly flirty but what hit me like a punch to the stomach was the obvious closeness and fondness they have for each other. Things they were both interested in going to see. My dh and I have always had that great friends kind of relationship as well as being married so I think it especially hurt. I owned up and asked him about it and he was really angry I’d looked and accused me of coercive control when I asked him to reduce the messaging. They see each other at work so why she has to send him photos on a Friday night and of what’s she’s up to at the weekend I don’t really understand.
He has other female friends which I’ve never thought twice about but there’s something about her that feels as though she’s pushing the boundaries and it’s creating such a wedge between us. Admittedly I’ve been very upset and over emotional and it was suggested I go on ADs which has helped me a bit but I still feel really upset as though she’s always there now, in the background. He says I’m destroying the marriage by being like this and nothing is happening with them, they are just mates. Just don’t know what to do, it all just makes me feel very sad and that maybe I’m not enough anymore.

You leave with integrity or you stay and become more humiliated by a husband who doesn't care about you

You are both entrenched in your opposing views, stalemate.

You cannot force him to understand, empathise or take your point of view on board.

He is effectively ending your marriage, although he will blame you.
Little does he care that many would agree with you, it suits him to do as he pleases and not take you into account.

Maybe years from now he may regret this decision but currently you are banging your head against a wall, you will not forget and probably never forgive this disloyalty.

I don’t think YABU Op. if they are just good friends and you and he are good friends/marriage then why did he not tell you? Why has she not been invited to the house by him. She’s married? Surely they can involve you and her DH if all so innocent.

I totally agree with you

So his answer is to just dope you up?!
do yourself a favour and get off the antidepressants he already has you on! Then if it is clear to you he doesn’t respect you…then consider leaving…seems like a bigger picture going on here. Not just the girl….friend.
ask to go out as a foursome with her husband…if you don’t want to split up…maybe that would change the balance!

I feel very sad but there’s a part of me that is angry at him and at her. I want her to know what she has partly done. I know if I said anything to her that would be the end for us. He’s made that very clear. Getting to the point where I don’t see what I have to lose.

Really don’t speak to her, you will be made to feel like a fool no matter what! Hang in in there. If you meet her, kill her with kindness…

Yeah his answer is for you to mess with your brain chemistry to block out the pain he’s causing you. Nice. Doesn’t that just make him a pusher?

You need to use your anger to get the best possible divorce settlement for you and your kids. That’s the best revenge on your husband.

He is the Villain here , she’s just a bit player.

If you contact at her it will just play into his narrative that you are crazy. And she won’t listen to you anyway because , you know, you are crazy.

Wtf! You don't need anti depressants!! You need a husband who's not messaging another woman. He's pulled the will over your eyes here.

He’d love it if you did by the way, as it’s part of the picture he is painting of you to the other woman. That he is dealing with a mentally ill wife - most married men have a tale of woe that means the other woman feels like his safe space and solace, and so much better than the wife. Doubtful she knows you went on that stuff because of her. Really the fact that you did that means that you played into his hands. The solution to pain and ongoing emotional distress that makes you feel unwell, is to root out the problem, not turn to drugs. They might come in nice packages and be signed off by a doctor, but the end result is really the same as if you rolled up a joint- the problem remains unaddressed, and you are turning to being doped up to get through the day. These pills are not magical, they don’t make the source of the distress go away. At best they will make you apathetic and unable to function in ordinary life and I don’t think your husband cares about this because it actually plays into his narrative. He is a very sick man.

OP you are saying that if you said anything to her he will end the marriage.

He really could not be making it clearer to you who is more important to him.
I know it's really sad for you but how can you continue in this situation where you, his wife, is second to his other woman? He doesn't care about your feelings. He cares about hers.

Couldn’t agree more.

Well I think you are getting to that point, and you don’t have much to lose - but potentially much to gain.

But rather than speaking to her, if I were you op I would speak to your gp about coming off the medication. When this is underway and provided you are coping, I would actually tell him you are coming off, that you realise this is a him problem not a you problem and you’re not medicating to cope with his behaviour. It may just shock him into a realisation you mean business , and if it doesn’t well, why not mean business? I suspect this is very much a case of medicating to deal with his treatment of you. Perhaps it’s time to start reclaiming the ground you stand on. He’s using it in a way to control you.

He sounds very narcissistic to me. A word that can be bandied about, but hear me out. Narcissists absolutely crave attention from multiple sources, they cannot live without it, and will tread on ANYONE to get it. They don’t “love” in a normal way, it is more about what the pay off is for them with any connection they have. They gaslight to the max, and many of them will make their partner out to be mentally ill when the partner establishes boundaries. They hate boundaries and being told what to do. Of course what is a normal boundary for the majority is an outrage to them- they will normalise the most vile behaviours and turn it on you rather than ever acknowledge that they have in some way caused a level of pain that the majority would feel. They love to triangulate- to make their partner feel in competition and that you have to work harder for their attention as they are so desirable to others. these men are unable to emotionally and often sexually invest in just one person. For a narcissist it’s about the here and now- not the future. They do what feels good in the moment, and have a very out of sight out of mind attitude to people they are fawning all over one minute- gone the next. They thrive on drama. With a narcissist you will often wonder why they don’t just stop their poor behaviours which would really eradicate all the drama and pain between you, the answer is because they don’t want to, they don’t want the peaceful honest life that you want. They want the drama, they want you to wonder how much you mean to them, they want a sob story to tell others, they want to play the victim, they want to live in the moment with their impulsive behaviour. They want to be desired by many and have new toys to play with, it is just who they are. The end result for their victims is almost always mental breakdowns, depression, lack of self worth, no peace, and they DONT CARE

Completely agree @Calliopespa

So sorry he's treating you this way Op, as you deserve so much better.

I know if I said anything to her that would be the end for us. He’s made that very clear.

He's protecting her. Or himself. He honestly doesn't care about you. He is telling you that. Listen to him. His words and actions both show how little he thinks of you. You are worth more than this. Don't continue to let him treat you like that. Who does he think he is.

It is sad but please find your anger to spur you on.

Don't talk to the woman and stop mentioning her to your husband too. Act as though it's not happening. In the meantime, get yourself ready for leaving because he's not gonna change and it's only a matter of time before their relationship is physical if it's not already. You've had some great advice on here about what you need to do.

Your husband is causing this upset and sadness and doesn't give a shit about how you feel. He's happy to put all the blame on you.

You must be in so much pain, @gruffalo5 ...... and the man who should be your rock is the cause of all this pain, and he simply doesn't care.

You know there is no coming back from this, so try and look after yourself and focus on the practicalities:

Wikivorce
Divorce for Dummies (or similar)
Family solicitors' websites

Get up to speed with the whole process, gather all financial documentation and see a competent family solicitor.

This must be very daunting for you but you CAN do this! 💐

@gruffalo5, can you see that he is by her side, not yours. She is now his primary emotional relationship. His actions are evidence that his thoughts are saturated with her, and his wants are all that matter to him.

As I said previously, he is not about to value or validate your feelings or admit his boundary trampling because his agenda is to lie, deny, and manipulate you with bully words … to push you away to make room for OW. To that end, he (1) refutes the reality of emotional infidelity and claims their deep connection/constant contact are hunky dory as long as they don’t have sex and (2) encourages you to take a higher dosage of meds to keep you quiet and subdued.

@gruffalo5, your views of monogamy and marital loyalty are miles apart. He is sidelining you so he can continue making OW the center of his world. His willingness to end your marriage to protect her speaks volumes. Take heed and consult a solicitor to make an exit plan. The alternative, existing in the bottom spot in a marriage of 3, would be an exercise in torment and self-harm.

We talked at length last night and he has promised he will stop messaging and just very briefly respond to any she sends. He’s insisting she’s a friend in the same way any male friend is and nothing more. That the messages are now not that often. He said the reason he doesn’t want her to know about my concerns is that it will affect work.

It’s so much to throw away if I’m wrong!
but my feelings for him have really changed now. He’s not my friend anymore.

@gruffalo5 Thanks for your updates, hope you're ok. I highly recommend you and your DH go for counselling.
The counsellor may tell your DH he will have to cut contact totally with 'friend' if he wants to save your marriage.

I'm glad you had the talk OP.

But he still doesn't think he has done anything wrong and the fact he won't tell her how much their relationship is affecting you suggests he has no intention of actually withdrawing from it.

How would withdrawing from the relationship affect work because surely at work his relationship should be professional with all his colleagues including her? He is admitting therefore then that their relationship at work is not professional. All the other work colleagues must know about their relationship if they aren't behaving professionally there.

He is just going to reduce the messaging. I would be suspicious that he just intends to become more secretive about it.

Until he admits this relationship with the OW is a betrayal of his marriage and of you, nothing will really change.

OP, your husband is gaslighting scum.
Telling you you are ill, need higher meds to cover that he has a completely inappropriate relationship with a woman.
He is the lowest of the low.
He is not your friend nor a good man.
Talk to Women's aid for advice.
Get some counselling for yourself.
Start protecting yourself and do not believe a word from his mouth.
Confide in family and friends for support if you can.
Do not rush into any decision but make your plans in your own time.
You deserve better than him.

This also mirrors what happened in my situation and he did cut back on the messages and she finally got ‘the message’ but i understand- I felt like you do now, you’re not my friend anymore you’ve put me through so much pain. It is eventually getting better it may take a long time though.