Feel that Dh friendship with woman is destroying our marriage

[gruffalo5]

Dh and I happily married for over 15 years, 3 dc. 2 years ago a woman joins dh workplace and they gradually become very good friends. She has Dh and dc. Last year I asked to borrow his phone for a number and saw her name (he hadn’t mentioned her at that point) to my shame I looked and saw their messages and there were so, so many, day and late into the evening. They weren’t particularly flirty but what hit me like a punch to the stomach was the obvious closeness and fondness they have for each other. Things they were both interested in going to see. My dh and I have always had that great friends kind of relationship as well as being married so I think it especially hurt. I owned up and asked him about it and he was really angry I’d looked and accused me of coercive control when I asked him to reduce the messaging. They see each other at work so why she has to send him photos on a Friday night and of what’s she’s up to at the weekend I don’t really understand.
He has other female friends which I’ve never thought twice about but there’s something about her that feels as though she’s pushing the boundaries and it’s creating such a wedge between us. Admittedly I’ve been very upset and over emotional and it was suggested I go on ADs which has helped me a bit but I still feel really upset as though she’s always there now, in the background. He says I’m destroying the marriage by being like this and nothing is happening with them, they are just mates. Just don’t know what to do, it all just makes me feel very sad and that maybe I’m not enough anymore.

Trust your gut! This is leading somewhere very inappropriate. Theres no way this is just friendship.. you already know that

That's exactly how I would feel. He is choosing interacting with that women, as it is more important for him then his marriage and he is not taking any responsibility for his behaviour. Anytime something can happen ... of they are so close to each other

How are you doing OP?

If this friend was male would you feel the same way?

Well I can she she quite reasonably might not.

It's a hop skip and a jump to a love affair.
You are not being irrational
You naturally make friends at work because you are stuck there. He is obviously close to her. He needs to decide if he will carry on with the texting with the risk it develops into something else. With the obvious consequence he rips apart his family, ruins his kids childhood and throws a bomb into his family's life and the wider family ie xmas, grandparents, birthdays. You would be left picking up the pieces. Fact
Or he knocks it on the head and concentrates more on the relationship with you and accepts the happy home life he has. A buzz with someone new never lasts but your relationship with your children does. A fact my ex DH found out after his affair when DD refused to talk to him for years.

So true. When I accused ex DH of affair he got angry and threw it backnin me.
He was actually having an affair but they try and deflect
GASLIGHTING

OP it sounds like you need to get out and carve a life of your own. Agree with all PP this is emotional affair territory and you should never be in a relationship you need medicated to be part of. If I were you I'd be getting a job, getting your independence and self esteem built back up, get off those tablets and figure out what the root of the feelings are and deal with that. I suspect the answer is him, he is the root of the problem.

I

Yes, I think this is true and very perceptive. He's angry with you because he feels like he's ALREADY making a big sacrifice in not sleeping with this woman. So he's, like, the good guy! And yet you're giving him a hard time! Which he feels is undeserved and so his sense of injustice rankles. And he treats you badly as a result. The longer it goes on, the more likely he is to sleep with her anyway, because he feels he deserves it.

Infuriating.

This 👆🏻I went through exactly this with my ExH. His behaviour towards me totally changed. We went from a good marriage to him shouting, swearing and being aggressive over the most silly things. I actually thought he had a brain tumour!
His phone was glued to him, he was hours late home from work and through out it all I was being unreasonable and psychopathic over his relationship with the OW that was supposedly non existent.
Worse still was the collusion together to cover their tracks. I still question how one woman can do that to another!

I’m not disagrees with this as I hear it tine and tine again. But what I am left wondering is does everyone just get angry if accused, innocent or not?

Only you can answer if you're being controlling - ultimately you know.

How would you feel if he read your messages and said that you weren't allowed to talk to one of your friends anymore.

Sorry, “not disagreeing.” I’m terrible typing on a phone …

Do you have time to forge friendships like this?
I have more responsibility than my husband in every aspect of life (he has severe ADHD and cannot do admin or get a good job). I resent how relaxed he is and how he has nothing to worry about. This means he makes friends easily and has lots of time to see people.
i, on the other hand, am always stressed and busy and my things to do list is neverending. I don’t make friends because I can’t relax. If I do I don’t have time to build friendships. I am on the go from 6am to 11pm every day.

i wonder if what you resent is his ability to make new friend like this and then the time to nurture the friendship.

I don’t think she’s resent him having time to make new friends and nurture it, rightly so the level of intimacy and frequency would be a massive issue for most partners. It has become where his emotional energy goes, it’s odd. I have my best female friend and we check in a few times a week, it’s not all day and evening and etc, that would be reserved for a partner. His energy is being directed full speed towards another woman, one who just popped up out of nowhere, he’s made a choice where to invest his time, and it’s what is known as an emotional affair. his relationship is suffering, it’s easy to understand.

Men can over simplify things sometimes for their benefit. It's called having your cake and eating it too.

In their minds there are only 2 elements when having contact with women that are not their partner.

1. HAVING SEX AND PHYSICALLY TOUCHING - NOT OK
2. EVERYTHING ELSE - INCLUDING THE STUFF THAT LEADS TO 1. - ALL OK

The defence for 2 will include: she's not my type, she's married, she's my friend, we just banter or vibe, you are jealous, I am allowed friends, I was drunk, she's too young/old, It was just a bit of meaningless flirting, you can have male friends and I would not care (it often doesn't work like this the other way around), you don't trust me, you are the problem here...

Your response should include: I don't find this acceptable, this is a boundary I am not prepared to allow you to cross, You are disrespecting me, I have choices too, I will not accept this, This is not healthy for our relationship...

This behaviour would be an absolute NO for me and I speak as someone that put up with it in the past and regretted it.

Get strong OP and get this sorted.

It's extremely presumptuous for women to assume they have the freedom and right to text another woman's husband at all hours of the day and night and worse send photos of themselves when on a night out. I think you have every right OP to ask your DH to curtail this 'friendship' and to suggest he leaves the correspondence to within working hours.

I don't think OP resents her husband's ability to make friends. It looks like her husband is having an emotional affair with his female work colleague. OP is understandably upset, however her husband is gaslighting her, making her think that she is the issue when, in fact, he is the one causing the problems because of his behaviour and attitude towards his wife.

I agree with the poster who said it is extremely presumptuous for a woman to think she can just contact him this way, it’s also concerning as most people would understand that texting a guy as though he’s single and trying to get into his space that way is desperate and very disrespectful to his partner. Obviously these people exist, probably a few on this thread who are fighting so hard to let us know he should be able to have female friends, but I’d say the majority of people know that there’s something wrong with it- texting all evening, sending pics of yourself, taking up time he should be giving to his family, making sure to be a daily presence in his life etc. I believe women who would do that without an invite are a minority, so it’s likely he has encouraged this and said enough negative about OP for the woman to not really factor her into it

He absolutely insists they are just mates, Can’t understand why it upsets me, won’t be controlled and suggests I go back to my gp for a higher dose of ADs. At a loss to know where to go from here.

At a loss to know where to go from here.

Divorce is where you go from here. The marriage is over.

I'm really sorry he's treating you this way @gruffalo5

I honestly the only way to go is end it.
But as say that knowing how hard that decision is since it took me years to get there myself.

No human should make another feel the way he's making you feel.
Sending hugs.

Sadly OP, I agree with this.

💐

Sorry OP but I agree that you need to end the marriage.

He is prepared to see you mentally destroyed rather than end his relationship with his OW. If that doesn't tell you who is more important to him then nothing will.

You need to seperate from him for own good.