Feel that Dh friendship with woman is destroying our marriage

[gruffalo5]

Dh and I happily married for over 15 years, 3 dc. 2 years ago a woman joins dh workplace and they gradually become very good friends. She has Dh and dc. Last year I asked to borrow his phone for a number and saw her name (he hadn’t mentioned her at that point) to my shame I looked and saw their messages and there were so, so many, day and late into the evening. They weren’t particularly flirty but what hit me like a punch to the stomach was the obvious closeness and fondness they have for each other. Things they were both interested in going to see. My dh and I have always had that great friends kind of relationship as well as being married so I think it especially hurt. I owned up and asked him about it and he was really angry I’d looked and accused me of coercive control when I asked him to reduce the messaging. They see each other at work so why she has to send him photos on a Friday night and of what’s she’s up to at the weekend I don’t really understand.
He has other female friends which I’ve never thought twice about but there’s something about her that feels as though she’s pushing the boundaries and it’s creating such a wedge between us. Admittedly I’ve been very upset and over emotional and it was suggested I go on ADs which has helped me a bit but I still feel really upset as though she’s always there now, in the background. He says I’m destroying the marriage by being like this and nothing is happening with them, they are just mates. Just don’t know what to do, it all just makes me feel very sad and that maybe I’m not enough anymore.

If you sense your DH’s bad feeling over your behaviour, maybe that’s a cue to scale back on the behaviour, not just hand him your phone.

@gruffalo5 i know you haven’t been back here in a few days bit I do hope you’re ok. This sort of thing is crazy making.

Please ignore the posters going on about how they have male friends blah blah blah. When you sense an opposite sex ‘friendship’ is crossing your boundaries it can leave you feeling so unsafe and anxious.

Please pay attention to some of the more enlightened posters on here and read ‘NOT ‘just friends’ it really sums this situation up!

This is exactly how I would play it from now. Don't mention it or her, if he does smile and say, that's fine. Act like you don't care. But in the meantime, decide what you really want and if it's enough to leave him for.

Personally, his attitude about it would be enough for me to seriously consider life without him.

For me it's the fact he never mentioned such a 'good friend' to you before you saw all the messages. He also doesn't involve you in their friendship, neither I assume is her husband involved... Why have you all never gone out as couples?... I'd say to your DH about cooking for them one night or going out.

Oh please, What part of it is "bad behaviour" Just because you have friends of the opposite sex doesn't mean you are having an affair.

What??

I didn’t say ‘bad behaviour’. Nor did I say ‘affair’. I said if you engage in behaviour that causes your spouse to feel badly, that should be a cue to look into scaling back or dropping the behaviour.

This

👏👏👏100%

Unless her husband is gay or bisexual, why on earth would she feel the same way if the colleague was male? In the highly unlikely event two men developed a friendship of this level of intensity, if they were both hereosexual, the OP might find it odd, but would at least know they were not falling in love and that she was in no danger of being replaced by another intimate and romantic partner. Its highly disingenuous to pretend there is no difference between two people of sexes that are not physically attracted and between two people where the potential for that exists.

This^ VILE isnt it.

Your group friendship with three men isn't remotely like the situation the OP is describing though, is it? You do not have an intensely close relationship with one other man who you message exclusively throughout the evening, every day, multiple times, while your H sits there ignored by you, do you?
And even if you did, and your friend was not attracted to you, so it would never stray from the platonic in your case, that has no baring on whether the OPs husband is attracted to his female friend.
Just because some men are not attracted to some women, as in your case, it doesn't mean no man ever is. In the majority of cases where the friendship occupies the amount of priority, time and headspace the OP describes, they are.

Are you being deliberately moronic??

I've had loads of male friends in my life, and male friend colleagues, I'm pretty sure every single one has ended up in a snog minimum! (If I was single note) I'm in my 40s now with a long term partner and a kid and avoid flirty work colleagues!

Texting day and night to another woman is not normal for friends of either sex. He is prioritizing time spent with another woman over you. That is emotional cheating.

And when you ask him to dial it back, he accuses you of coercive control, when that's exactly what he is doing.

I wouldn't put up with that kind of behavior and tell him that it's her or you and the kids - his choice.

i saw a thing somewhere and it said basically /when you're "keeping the peace", whose peace are you keeping/

she sounds inappropriate. he sounds inappropriate. they're both a pair of twats and wtaf about you going on antidepressants because of a situation he has started. that makes me wince.

OP, if my guy told me a friendship I had developed with a man during our relationship was making him uncomfortable, that friendship would immediately end. Not because my guy is remotely controlling or abusive, but because I respect him and his feelings above anyone else. He is my primary concern, along with my children, and I would not do anything intentionally that I know causes him anguish.

I didn't always feel that way, and as a highly strung youngster I rebelled against what I perceived as control, but upon reflection, his feelings about their intentions were always dead right. By being obstinate, the only thing I did was cause him unnecessary discomfort in a relationship that should have been his source of comfort and safety. Nobody is more important to me than he is, so why would I prioritise them over him?

You've heard lots of opinions from people here. I thought it might be helpful to hear from someone who once thought as your husband does. Actually, it's modern therapy's prevalence online that changed my mind. Videos from psychologists and such. A lot of us grew up with the narrative that checking someone's phone is automatically bunny boiling territory, but lots of therapists now argue that in a long term, committed relationship, phones should be available to both parties because there should be trust, which you can't foster if the expectation is that your phone is a bastion of privacy that must not be broken by your partner. Our phones are open and available now. When I really thought about the reasons they weren't before, I felt quite silly.

Yeah my husband had a "friend". My oldest daughter was a baby and he was totally focused on the friendship with this girl. Getting home from work late when she gave him a lift arranging to meet her on weekends chatting via text. I was suspicious from the start but I was painted as the nutcase. He's now married to her..... the coercive control is a good one isn't..... he can go about building a relationship with another woman but youre not allowed to object. I have no advice. In my experience you can't stop these things. However in hindsight I'm glad my ex met this woman cos I now have two beautiful girls. Its changed the way I view men permanently. That's not a very cheery message but I guess my point is love yourself, focus on yourself and your happiness and your children if you have any. Leave your expectations of men behind and don't let the situation destroy you. He might be just friends with this woman. But you need to boost yourself and put yourself first, leave him to do what he will and walk away if its clear hes not putting you first xxxx

Absolutely this.

I don't think you are being overly irrational. I have two male friends both of which are my best friends. I don't spend day and night messaging them and I don't see them everyday, which is why I can understand the frequency thing and them seeing eachother everyday is what is blurring the friendship line.

This is very interesting and actually makes complete sense!

Excellent, honest and kind post!

Exactly this! I was accused of being mad and unreasonable. Yet he prioritized her above everything. If he wasn't glued to his phone he was sat on the laptop on the bed messaging her like a couple of teenagers. The change in his behaviour was shocking. I got accused of everything and anything, I actually thought he had a brain tumour the things he was picking fights over.
The pain he caused was unforgivable but I'm far happier out of it all now. Not second guessing his silly little messages to each other.

It's a really tricky one, my husband has more female friends than male, but he wouldn't disrespect me by saying that I am trying to control him. I wonder how the ow husband would feel?

This is an emotional affair, especially if he is choosing the ‘work friend’ over you and not prioritising you! I would feel the same if the ‘friend’ was male. You shouldn’t be taking AD for expressing how you feel and your husband shouldn’t have let it get that far ! The counselling idea is a good one, get some clarity.

I would go absolutely bananas if I were you.

How dare he turn this around on you, as if you are destroying the marriage. That's gaslighting.

Personally, if my partner said he felt uncomfortable with a male friendship then I would end the friendship. He comes first.

No matter how you look at it texting at all hours is too full on.

You deserve to be happy x