Feel that Dh friendship with woman is destroying our marriage

[gruffalo5]

Dh and I happily married for over 15 years, 3 dc. 2 years ago a woman joins dh workplace and they gradually become very good friends. She has Dh and dc. Last year I asked to borrow his phone for a number and saw her name (he hadn’t mentioned her at that point) to my shame I looked and saw their messages and there were so, so many, day and late into the evening. They weren’t particularly flirty but what hit me like a punch to the stomach was the obvious closeness and fondness they have for each other. Things they were both interested in going to see. My dh and I have always had that great friends kind of relationship as well as being married so I think it especially hurt. I owned up and asked him about it and he was really angry I’d looked and accused me of coercive control when I asked him to reduce the messaging. They see each other at work so why she has to send him photos on a Friday night and of what’s she’s up to at the weekend I don’t really understand.
He has other female friends which I’ve never thought twice about but there’s something about her that feels as though she’s pushing the boundaries and it’s creating such a wedge between us. Admittedly I’ve been very upset and over emotional and it was suggested I go on ADs which has helped me a bit but I still feel really upset as though she’s always there now, in the background. He says I’m destroying the marriage by being like this and nothing is happening with them, they are just mates. Just don’t know what to do, it all just makes me feel very sad and that maybe I’m not enough anymore.

After the constant messages my ExH started leaving for work earlier and coming home later. Also naff gifts appeared in his work bag such as a pink dog diary! This from the man who wouldn't even use a pink beach towel peg. When I questioned him he stated that he had bought them himself.
Throughout it all I never thought he would ever do this to me but I had this gut feeling. He even gifted her a cooy of our wedding poem thinking it was romantic

This

I think sometimes when couples are in the trenches of parenting young kids they can lose sight of each other. I think the answer is to make even a bit of snatched time for each other to connect or at the very least to understand its a short time period it will be like that and to just muck in and power through. Sometimes though I think men start to feel very hard done by at this stage and feel like they are being ignored, neglected and unseen which means if some woman at work or in his friendship circle or hobby group does "see" him and pay attention to him then that can be like catnip and rather than pull back and see his life in a wider context he gets seduced by that feeling of being seen and centre of attention. To be fair I think this can happen to some women as well the difference being that its less likely women can filter out their kids and family life responsibilities.

Oh god yea, I’m not saying women aren’t allowed to like football or bands! And talk to men 😂 I’m talking of some kinds of women who develop these ‘friendships’ based on what they know men like…so we’re ’great mates’ and you can talk to me about football I’m so into it…for example then there’s a reason to get in touch. The ‘OW’ I briefly had to deal with must have thought my husband was desperate to know her betting choices on a Saturday. She was also regularly keen to know what he thought of that ref’s decision…. Or that send off…or that result….or basically any excuse to put her into his mind during time with his family but ‘all innocent’ of course as she’s just a ‘great mate’ and ‘one of the lads’ …except she’s not. She’s the shiny new work colleague who is 14 years younger and has got plenty of other things she could be doing with her weekend and phone but for ‘some reason’ she’s contacting a married middle aged dad of 3….

@KaleQueen Ah I see, yeah that is totally fair enough!

@KaleQueen I agree with this - it's a deliberate choice I feel

Often a man like this will drop the odd hint that things aren’t rosy at home even if they don’t blatantly state it, we all know these types of men. The type of women that go for men that are paired up and start paying them lots of attention, often want a place in their affections and have been given an invitation to do so by the man. It’s a mutually beneficial emotional bond that can very easily become more because all the pieces are in place. To those who are outraged that she’s not allowing him women friends, honestly an investment of this level, who has time for it realistically without taking away from the primary relationship? Not only does it require a man to invest time, but also emotional energy which no man will willingly do unless his ego is being stroked and he’s getting a kick out of it. Women like this love to play innocent as the man stars baring his heart to her, just a little at first, until she’s his full blown emotional support, as they use the excuse that they just have common interests. Lots of people have common interests, if they text frequently with the expectation to hear from one another, where it would be weird to not get responses from each other, then they already have an emotional investment and the woman in the relationship with that man feels something is off with her relationship, even if she doesn’t know about it! One or both people in this emotional entanglements are having dreams about what it would be like to be with that person, in one way or another, and often times, that is where it leads. It’s the same as the early stages of dating someone, talking lots and getting to know each other, thinking about each other and sending each other stuff the other will like. And what kind of energy is he putting into his actual relationship! Doubtful the same, with men like that. Some people just get bored with marriage and like to have a little play with someone else, and the more heartache their partner feels, the more they justify it, until suddenly they are accusing their husband or wife of neglecting them and not understanding them, of being paranoid and accusing. Then the next step is that they cheat with the person their spouse was “paranoid” about. It’s a tale as old as time. Him not immediately pulling back from the friendship, shows what stage he’s at in this game.

Trust your gut @gruffalo5

'Name :) ' on a text was all it took to unravel my marriage.
I'd suppressed gut instincts on and off over the marriage. Was made to think I was crazy for questioning things.

Turned out a simple text was all it took for me to find my husbands girlfriend of 18 months. 😪

This is so true. Since my husband got over his affair (she ended it) he has never felt the need to replace her with another female “best friend”. He doesn’t feel the need to share his feelings at all! He is back to his old largely monosyllabic self. But perfectly happy. Re transferred his affections me.
i never bother to discuss this with him but I am a different me. I will never trust him again and the next hint of impropriety I am off. I find it hard to accept any affection from him.

I'm also far more cynical about 'friends' of the opposite sex that are constantly contacting each other most days when they have a partner or marriage.

I agree @Crikeyalmighty no married person (or person in a long term relationship) should be constantly chatting, and texting and whatsapping a member of the opposite sex every day, and meeting up 1-1, (and sharing private jokes and banter,) away from their spouse. Not good for any marriage, and very disrespectful to the person you claim to love.

.

I'd give him an ultimatum and be prepared to leave him because of the way this making you feel. You can't live your life like this cos he doesn't want to give up his flirtation side piece which he's probably feeling a massive ego boost from.

@Firstthreewords yep-I feel like that about 'affection' too . Many of us stay for all kinds of reasons but my own feeling was it snuffed that candle of 'special' out -

Can I ask Crikey,

Do you think he regrets buggering his marriage up for this crush, I mean he clearly took your love for granted and he must miss that unconditional love and care you once had for him.

Or is he unaware of the change in you.

My exh is now with his special friend who also happened to be his friends girlfriend 🤦🏼‍♀️

all water under the bridge now but he took the piss out of me and I didn’t have it is the short version!

It's not been said anywhere that he has told her that he has said that his friendship is more important then his marriage.

This seems to be a friendship only, if it was a male work colleague would you feel the same way.

I think it's not about choosing her over you. I think it's become about the principle for him and boundaries. You have read his phone and now your dictating his friendships...in his eyes he is drawing a line in the sand about what he will accept. Its not about picking her over you.

I do understand how your feeling though. It's almost easier to forgive a sexual lapse in an otherwise good relationship. This is like an emotional betrayal. That she is meeting needs you can't and didn't know you weren't. Ask yourself if there is no evidence of a budding romance...imagine she was a man. Would you be bothered? If the answer is not; you need to back off as if this is a plutonic relationship and all evidence indicates this; you don't want to become controlling with his friendships. Also re: the emotional betrayal. All our relationships meet different needs. That's why we have multiple friends. This does not mean your lacking something. He chose you as his life partner and mother of his children ❤️

Good luck OP ❤️ 🤞

What stands out here is he didn't mention her texts or show the photos to you. Is she married? I think he is hiding something. Does he go out of an evening and meet up with her? Trust your instinct.

I think you are being deliberately obtuse.

His actions are saying his friendship is more important than his marriage.

In her post on 15th August OP says "I suppose him knowing how much this upsets me makes me feel that he is choosing her friendship over our marriage in terms of what is more important to him."

This is rubbish for you, he is your husband and should put you 1st, if he doesn't he's a snake, but yeah you can either leave him for being an arsehole or put up with him being an arsehole and focus on other parts of your life to make yourself happy again :-)

You aren't casual together, like an early days couple working out if you like each other, so the, "we are just friends" line with his level of investment isn't appropriate.

He's emotionally cheating under the guise of friendship. When my exH did this I was even happy for him as he made me feel so low that his life was hard since we'd had DC. I can understand how you'd take ADs and post on here thinking it's you.

When I finally found out it was more, he still blamed me, "she appreciates me for who I am". Then more lies, including me finding proof they had been in a hotel together for him to say it wasn't true (I had printed evidence he had failed to bin & his solicitor said I'd hacked his bank account as I'd started to divorce him).

He's lying, setting up a new comfy bed, is well into the process of moving his friends go along with the story, actively making you the villan and, for now, you are complicit.

What about you, your needs, hopes and dreams, your ability to feel wanted and special and your ability not to be manipulated to the point you are on ADs blaming yourself?

Hey Op,

I think you have every right to feel the way you do :) Remember that! You are entitled to your feelings.
It must of been a shock to find out how close he was to this woman when you had no idea about her. If I was in your shoes that's what would've have upset me.
My advice is pick a time when you and your husband are both in good moods, maybe have something like a date night first, then have a serious chat. It's not about you picking his friends. I wonder if you feel he is more emotionally close to this woman then he is to you right now. It sounds like you've never had and issue with female friend before.
From the messages it sounds like just friends, I'd see if your partner is open to a couples night with his friend and her husband.
If you get to know her you might see that there's is nothing to worry about.
If he's not cheating he probably is getting angry and wondering what your problem is, make him understand you've never heard of this woman, and they seem very close. That's not normal in a long-term marriage you should know your partners good friends.

I'm happily married and work in IT and I have 3 close male friends from a previous place of employment. We would message each other a lot, we are in a group chat and also one on one sometimes. A lot of our chat is banter, very funny banter but there would be a good lot of messages each month between the group or one on one's sometimes. My husband has never said anything to me about it but at times over the years I've sensed his insecurity and have handed him my phone to reread a particular funny back n forth, 1 cause its hilarious n 2 cause I sensed he felt a bit insecure and didnt want him to be. Its only friendship, only ever was and ever would be friendship, I don't see any of them as attractive and I'm so happy in my choice of husband. Im also close enough to know that all 3 of them are happy with their partners and we also talk about the crazy stuff our toddlers do or say. We have all met each others partners/ children and family members. Ive never once sensed anything flirty from any of them over the last 8 years and we have had lots of nights out together with other colleagues and more recently as our own group since we dont work together now. Just because you are friends with the opposite sex doesn't mean you are attracted to them. I wouldn't take it well if I was asked to ditch a friendship for my partner. Counselling is a good shout, I'd hash this out with someone neutral and see what's really going on before it does escalate into something bigger.

I have male friends at work but I'm not messaging them in the evening and sending holiday or Friday evening snaps. Meeting with colleagues in evening does feel ok.
My husband knows my male friends and we've met up as couples, I certainly wouldn't be texting them all evening, unless there was a reason like "don't forget you said you'd bring A, B or C in tomorrow " or "would you and wife want to come over for coffee Sunday morning? "
She's obviously not that type of close friends if she doesn't pop over, that's how I see it.
One poster suggested a marriage guidance councillor, I think that sounds a great idea, it might help both of you, having young and school age children can knock your confidence, it's good to have a fresh set of eyes on the situation . Maybe female perspective is what he's getting from the relationship, but it will only be one sided, councillor will be impartial. Good luck, marriage is a roller coaster.

I would NOT be happy with this if it was my husband. In fact I would not be happy with my husband frequently messaging any other woman unless they were family etc. Theoretically, married people have a right to be friends with whoever they like, but I defy any woman to be happy about this situation. Does he communicate with his male "mates" as much? Moreover, he is prioritising that relationship over your marriage. Ask him how he would feel if the boot was on the other foot.