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Original poster

What would you do?

441 replies

Airyfairy1985 · 15/08/2024 10:55

I'm in a bit of a tricky dating scenario, I met this guy OLD a few weeks ago and in a short space of time we've hung out a lot and both admitted we've formed a really great connection.

We've been in touch a lot, but in the last week his phone has stopped receiving any messages and I've also noticed he's not posted anything on social media (i'm not on social media but he showed me his profile which is public). I've not been checking in a stalkerish way more than he's completely vanished and I was confused and concerned as to what's happened to him.

The only conclusion I can come to is that he's lost/broken his phone and has lost his contacts, he has to have a phone for work and to contact his kids so this is nothing to do with me, I'm also not blocked on whatsapp or anything like that so it seems like this is the likely scenario.

I guess I'm thinking I could just leave it to fate and assume I will never hear from him again, but if he has lost all numbers he won't be able to contact me in any other way, the only thing I could do is email him at this work address but I can't decide if that is total pyschopath behaviour, although due to his work, his email is easily available by a simple Google search.

What would you do?

OP posts:
Anonym00se · 15/08/2024 13:18

Airyfairy1985 · 15/08/2024 13:16

We're not connected on social media, i'm not on any social media platforms apart from LinkedIn for work, the only way we can contact each other is via whatsapp/phone

Show quote history

What about your OLD accounts?

Original poster
Airyfairy1985 · 15/08/2024 13:21

Just called from work phone 'not been possible to connect your call', so it's not me, but i'm now back to square one

OP posts:
Original poster
Airyfairy1985 · 15/08/2024 13:33

Anonym00se · 15/08/2024 13:18

What about your OLD accounts?

Show quote history

He came off the OLD site we met on when we started dating, I mean I guess he could rejoin and readd me

OP posts:
Original poster
Airyfairy1985 · 15/08/2024 13:36

SauviGone · 15/08/2024 12:51

Have you phoned him from a different phone yet?

Yup, call didn't connect, no voicemail, so definetely not me. My only other option is to LinkedIn message him 😫

OP posts:
Catandsquirrel · 15/08/2024 13:58

I don't think you sound obsessional or whatever. It's an awkward point, a few weeks in. Too soon to comfortably go round there or call work to check he's ok, but too much interest has been piqued just to go 'sod it, next!'. When did you actually last hear? Had you had sex?

Original poster
Airyfairy1985 · 15/08/2024 14:06

Catandsquirrel · 15/08/2024 13:58

I don't think you sound obsessional or whatever. It's an awkward point, a few weeks in. Too soon to comfortably go round there or call work to check he's ok, but too much interest has been piqued just to go 'sod it, next!'. When did you actually last hear? Had you had sex?

Thank you 🙏and that's exactly my point, I'm not delusional, I know there was definitely something there. Yes we had sex, I'm in my 40s I know what I'm doing, I'm not young and naive, it felt right and it was honestly amazing, which we both agreed as we had such an awesome connection. We spoke on the phone last week, then a text after and then all messages not delivered since then, everything was left fine with us planning to meet this past weekend.
The only fly in the ointment is his ex and access to his kids, they separated a year ago and live separately but I think it's not completely amicable. I appreciate this sounds messy but I'm also a co-parent so I sympathise with tricky situations like this and he was very open and honest about it.
I can only conclude he's not well mentally and has shut out the outside world or the phone issue and he has no way of contacting me.
I'm left with 3 options - leave it to fate, go round to the place I know he's staying locally, he's staying with friends temporarily over the summer but in area on the beach near where I live, or try and cotact him through Linkedin?

OP posts:
SauviGone · 15/08/2024 14:17

he's staying with friends temporarily over the summer

I'm sure I'm a total cynic because my first thought was how convenient to be staying somewhere I suppose he said he can't take you back to.

Original poster
Airyfairy1985 · 15/08/2024 14:19

SauviGone · 15/08/2024 14:17

he's staying with friends temporarily over the summer

I'm sure I'm a total cynic because my first thought was how convenient to be staying somewhere I suppose he said he can't take you back to.

Oh no it's not like that, he invited me to stay a few times, I just prefer sleeping in my own bed 😂He's in the middle of house renovation that's why it was just a holiday stay but he stayed for longer to be more local to me when we met

OP posts:
meimei80 · 15/08/2024 14:57

OMG OP, the more you write, the more obvious it is. He has ghosted you. Don't waste your time and headspace thinking 'what if' - it couldn't be clearer.

And this: go round to the place I know he's staying locally Noooooooo!!!

Original poster
Airyfairy1985 · 15/08/2024 15:00

meimei80 · 15/08/2024 14:57

OMG OP, the more you write, the more obvious it is. He has ghosted you. Don't waste your time and headspace thinking 'what if' - it couldn't be clearer.

And this: go round to the place I know he's staying locally Noooooooo!!!

Yes i'm absolutely not going to do that, have you read the thread? I'm not blocked on Whatsapp and his phone is off, and not contactable by any number. Why are you therefore concluding i've been ghosted? Which is the whole point of my thread, that I haven't been but I'm trying to figure out what other scenario there would be for someone completely disappearing. Not ALL men are ghosters. I'm sorry if this has happened to you.

OP posts:
UpUpUpU · 15/08/2024 15:10

How long has it been OP?

meimei80 · 15/08/2024 15:11

Airyfairy1985 · 15/08/2024 15:00

Yes i'm absolutely not going to do that, have you read the thread? I'm not blocked on Whatsapp and his phone is off, and not contactable by any number. Why are you therefore concluding i've been ghosted? Which is the whole point of my thread, that I haven't been but I'm trying to figure out what other scenario there would be for someone completely disappearing. Not ALL men are ghosters. I'm sorry if this has happened to you.

Show quote history

Yes I have, and I'm sorry but it's just screaming he has ghosted you and hoping you'll get the message. You may have had an amazing connection but with today's dating culture he is looking for his next connection. He likely wants to move on but to also think he's a good guy - hence no blocking (if that's even true). 'Nice' guys can be selfish too! He won't think he owes you anything and TBH he doesn't really. People do what they like these days and most think of themselves.

A lot of women obsess like this but you're just perpetuating the inevitable. Like someone said, if he wanted to get in touch with you, he would. Believe it.

Original poster
Airyfairy1985 · 15/08/2024 15:26

meimei80 · 15/08/2024 15:11

Yes I have, and I'm sorry but it's just screaming he has ghosted you and hoping you'll get the message. You may have had an amazing connection but with today's dating culture he is looking for his next connection. He likely wants to move on but to also think he's a good guy - hence no blocking (if that's even true). 'Nice' guys can be selfish too! He won't think he owes you anything and TBH he doesn't really. People do what they like these days and most think of themselves.

A lot of women obsess like this but you're just perpetuating the inevitable. Like someone said, if he wanted to get in touch with you, he would. Believe it.

Show quote history

I fully appreciate everything you're saying, but we'll just have to agree to disagree, ghosting to me normally takes on different forms than shutting down your phone which is your entire connection to the outside world, including your own family, to one person. I've already explained I have called from a work phone and his phone is still disconnected. So you're telling me a guy would cut himself off from the outside world completely because they want to 'ghost' someone, this is where we disagree. To me this is more something has happened to him and that's why he has gone off the radar. You can say I'm obssessional if you want, I don't think I am being, as another poster said, this is more, oh that's a shame, let me check all my facts and if I am actually 'ghosted' as you say before I completely write if off, like all the cynics would. Believe me, I have inrecdiblty thick skin when it comes to dating. Liking a guy doesn't mean you're obssessed with him, there's a big difference.

OP posts:
Mounjaroattheend · 15/08/2024 15:42

Do you not think he may have been using a different phone to his everyday one?

Original poster
Airyfairy1985 · 15/08/2024 15:54

Mounjaroattheend · 15/08/2024 15:42

Do you not think he may have been using a different phone to his everyday one?

possibly, anyway for those that are interested I've added him on facebook to my account which I hadn't accessed for a while, quite a fun thing to do anyway connecting with some old mates so I'll keep you posted! No doubt there will be a moral to this story! hopefully not completely pyschotic, well at least less so than any other option I can think of, and that's my only attempt at making contact with him. If I hear nothing, then that's the end and I will move on 💪

OP posts:
Mounjaroattheend · 15/08/2024 15:56

Airyfairy1985 · 15/08/2024 15:54

possibly, anyway for those that are interested I've added him on facebook to my account which I hadn't accessed for a while, quite a fun thing to do anyway connecting with some old mates so I'll keep you posted! No doubt there will be a moral to this story! hopefully not completely pyschotic, well at least less so than any other option I can think of, and that's my only attempt at making contact with him. If I hear nothing, then that's the end and I will move on 💪

Show quote history

Oh yeah keep us updated!

meimei80 · 15/08/2024 16:02

OP, you're right about the cynic bit and I honestly hope you're right about the guy.

Just saying I've read and heard so many of these stories of women inventing a million outlandish reasons for the guy disappearing on them (especially after sex), and to that I say: as a woman you're working against thousands of years of male entitlement which is baked into most men. Combine that with today's consumerist culture that tells them They Can Have It All. They Are Worth It. They deserve to sample all the choice they are inundated with. And they are freed from the shackles of societal expectations like one person at a time, don't sleep around and that the need to explain yourself. The idea that you owe anyone anything.

Think of the diminishing returns from the endless streaming platforms available: Amazon, Netflix, Apple TV, Disney+, Hulu, and so on and so forth. You look for something to watch endlessly without often finding anything that REALLY grabs you, so you scroll, and scroll, forever in search of that elusive hit. This is most likely what he is doing. Sampling everything. Maybe you were great. Now he is looking for his next hit.

Original poster
Airyfairy1985 · 15/08/2024 16:10

meimei80 · 15/08/2024 16:02

OP, you're right about the cynic bit and I honestly hope you're right about the guy.

Just saying I've read and heard so many of these stories of women inventing a million outlandish reasons for the guy disappearing on them (especially after sex), and to that I say: as a woman you're working against thousands of years of male entitlement which is baked into most men. Combine that with today's consumerist culture that tells them They Can Have It All. They Are Worth It. They deserve to sample all the choice they are inundated with. And they are freed from the shackles of societal expectations like one person at a time, don't sleep around and that the need to explain yourself. The idea that you owe anyone anything.

Think of the diminishing returns from the endless streaming platforms available: Amazon, Netflix, Apple TV, Disney+, Hulu, and so on and so forth. You look for something to watch endlessly without often finding anything that REALLY grabs you, so you scroll, and scroll, forever in search of that elusive hit. This is most likely what he is doing. Sampling everything. Maybe you were great. Now he is looking for his next hit.

I absolutely agree with you and I think you've summed up the exact curse of modern dating. I've gone from at the start of OLD being totally naive and enterataining men and situations I should never have and never would do so again. Now, my position is i'm actually very cuthroat and any sniff of anything instantly sexual or inappropraite it's an immediate block or disconnect.
That's why this situation felt different as we connected about our own personal mental health battles and family situation, I don't want to get into detail here but I like to think by my age I'm generally a good judge of character. But as you say, we'll see. I honestly do appreciate all the advice.

OP posts:
Cheesecakelunch · 15/08/2024 16:14

He's just not that into you.

Original poster
Airyfairy1985 · 15/08/2024 16:16

Cheesecakelunch · 15/08/2024 16:14

He's just not that into you.

Thanks babe 😅

OP posts:
Catandsquirrel · 15/08/2024 16:25

Not asking in a judgey way about sex btw! Just as I've personally known some of the keenest ones disappear afterwards, I'm sure we all have! .could be as simple as that

Still, it's odd that you had a date planned and his phone isn't working at all. One thing to be blocked or breadcrumbed or left on read. However. If he knows your full name and where you live too, I'd leave it. He should really be the one dropping a note round or finding you online if he's lost his phone.

Maybe he has another phone or SIM but as you say realistically that's not the usual format these things take. Maybe some folk go to those lengths but on the whole, too much bother. Normally it's blocked, breadcrumbed or left on read.

I would say leave it. He's got people around so if there's been an emergency someone is aware. For me the only excuse if he knows your SM/ address details is an emergency. There's a lot less 'will I embarrass myself/ look like a stalker?' uncertainty about doing those things if you yourself have lost your phone and don't know that it might be a brush off.

Original poster
Airyfairy1985 · 15/08/2024 16:35

Catandsquirrel · 15/08/2024 16:25

Not asking in a judgey way about sex btw! Just as I've personally known some of the keenest ones disappear afterwards, I'm sure we all have! .could be as simple as that

Still, it's odd that you had a date planned and his phone isn't working at all. One thing to be blocked or breadcrumbed or left on read. However. If he knows your full name and where you live too, I'd leave it. He should really be the one dropping a note round or finding you online if he's lost his phone.

Maybe he has another phone or SIM but as you say realistically that's not the usual format these things take. Maybe some folk go to those lengths but on the whole, too much bother. Normally it's blocked, breadcrumbed or left on read.

I would say leave it. He's got people around so if there's been an emergency someone is aware. For me the only excuse if he knows your SM/ address details is an emergency. There's a lot less 'will I embarrass myself/ look like a stalker?' uncertainty about doing those things if you yourself have lost your phone and don't know that it might be a brush off.

thank you, the only other context I would give is due to neurodiversity he doesn't remember any details about anything, I had to give him my address details 3 times as he couldn't remember. This isn't an excuse it's just how his brain works. And as i explained to him I'm not on social media for personal reasons he knows he wouldn't be able to find me there. I feel the longer time goes on the more awkward potentially he would feel about making a gesture like dropping a note as he might think I would consider that as being weird. I'm just going to add him as a facebook friend as that seems relatively harmless and no skin off my nose if I don't hear. If he didn't have such complex mental health stuff going on I would be empathising a lot less, but we both have had a lot of stuff going on with our families which is why we bonded so much and why i'm less keen to write this off as 'oh another guys an asshole surprise surprise' type scenario

OP posts:
Catandsquirrel · 15/08/2024 17:11

I think that's absolutely fine. You've taken action to see this through which you were happy to do. Just be ready to take a vague or no response on the chin. If he replies and is pleased to hear from you and apologetic about the date, fine but let him lead on arranging the next one. You want to see enthusiasm and availability to date you.

TheTigerWhoCameToEatMyArsehole · 15/08/2024 22:37

Someone hasn't paid their phone bill ? But then they could use what's app if they have WiFi

Tilandsia · 16/08/2024 01:00

Earlier this year, I met a guy through friends and we swapped numbers. We were texting back and forth for a couple of weeks when he suddenly stopped reading my messages. It turned out he’d been arrested and his phone seized by police. He tried to get my number again from my friends but strangely I wasn’t interested after that.

I hope he gets in touch op and it turns out to just be a lost phone scenario rather than an arrest Grin