What would you do?

[Airyfairy1985]

I'm in a bit of a tricky dating scenario, I met this guy OLD a few weeks ago and in a short space of time we've hung out a lot and both admitted we've formed a really great connection.

We've been in touch a lot, but in the last week his phone has stopped receiving any messages and I've also noticed he's not posted anything on social media (i'm not on social media but he showed me his profile which is public). I've not been checking in a stalkerish way more than he's completely vanished and I was confused and concerned as to what's happened to him.

The only conclusion I can come to is that he's lost/broken his phone and has lost his contacts, he has to have a phone for work and to contact his kids so this is nothing to do with me, I'm also not blocked on whatsapp or anything like that so it seems like this is the likely scenario.

I guess I'm thinking I could just leave it to fate and assume I will never hear from him again, but if he has lost all numbers he won't be able to contact me in any other way, the only thing I could do is email him at this work address but I can't decide if that is total pyschopath behaviour, although due to his work, his email is easily available by a simple Google search.

What would you do?

Do you have the link for the new thread?

If he wanted to see you this is what he would.do. He doesn't even have to knock he could put a note with his number through the door

Oh @Airyfairy1985 I have read this thread and I actually feel a little sorry for you. This guy didn’t have any red flags - he had a red banner which was inches from your face and you chose to ignore it.
learn from this experience and move on.

I fully appreciate that and I do take accountability.
You need to understand the laws around emotional abuse from known domestic abusers.
This man has lied to me, presented a false version of himself and coerced me into a sexual relationship with him via manipulation when I have had mental health problems.
He is blocked on everything, he is an unpredictable person, and yes I absolutely should not have touched him with a bargepole but I have not been well unfortunately and not in the right mindset to handle it like I should have.
This is not about revenge, i couldn't care less what happens to him, but abuse is abuse. If you're experienced it before you would know that.
This was the closure I needed and thankfully now I can move on.

Thank you, I am

"I am just seeking advice after an incredibly traumatic dating experience.
^This is following my previous thread about dating a man who disappeared and it turned out he was sent to prison.
I am fully aware that I ignored every single red flag about this man but i realise now I have been completed manipulated by this person.
Because of his behaviour, emotional abuse, lies, I carried out a Claire's law request on him and found out he is known for several DV offences against his ex, including coercive control, manipulation and two counts of assault.
After hearing this I was utterly shocked and knew I needed to step away from this relationship but i continued to give this person the benefit of the doubt unfortunately, he made me go insane.
I have only seen him twice after I found this out, even though I knew in my heart it was wrong I couldn't help myself and I know this behaviour is unforgivable in terms of my self worth and self respect.
This weekend I caught him with another woman, he was completely non apologetic about it when I confronted him and the other woman looked gobsmacked. I left and since told him everything I know about him and he denied everything.
This man has completely traumatised me by lying, gaslighting and destroying my mind.
I understand I have massively messed up here and I don't need that reinforced but I am left feeling that this just isn't right and that I need to do something about it. This man is dangerous and shouldn't be allowed to abuse any more women.
Does anyone know if it is possible to report emotional abuse especially considering his record? This isn't about getting revenge, this is about protecting other people from this person.^"

@aCatCalledFawkes this is the OP, no responses yet which I assume is why she came back to this thread. It's under the same username so it should be ok to copy and paste here?

It just seems like OP wants to continue the drama, as this man's obvious foibles were pointed out at length previously and she didn't seem bothered about the effect on other women then, until he cheater.

Wow way to be a supportive woman, you must feel very proud of yourself 🙏🏼

I am hurt, I am traumatised, I do NOT want to continue the drama, I am reaching out to try and gain clarity and understanding from other victims of abuse..I have no interest in hearing nasty, vicious comments from people with zero empathy.

It seems that you only want to hear what you want to hear. People are posting that lying and cheating are not classed as abuse, these are the facts you’ve given.

When people previously pointed out the red flags you also only wanted to hear what you wanted to hear.

As a survivor of DV/DA I can’t say that I disagree with PP’s. I understand perfectly well how abusers get you, but the people advising you on here are only being given a few snippets of info, non of which I’m even convinced would be enough to file some sort of complaint over. When you say he coerced you, emotionally abused you etc, what did he actually do?

Errr, wait a minute. You know nothing about me. I have experienced abuse before, including leaving a violet, coercive partner in the middle of the night. I've also helped friends through abusive situations.

However, it isn't helpful or supportive to not at least point out the cognitive dissonance you exhibited when you were defensive, bordering on aggressive with posters who were trying to help by pointing out this man was no good, and insisting there couldn't possibly be any DV involved, you were sure of it.

Now you've done a complete 180 once you've discovered he's cheated on you, and want to know whether or not to report it. Not once you reconciled with him after leaving prison, but only now.

Pointing out this might not be the best course of action for you and your own mental health isn't at all "vicious" FFS. Lashing out here isn't helping you.

I'm sorry I am not in a good place and arguing with strangers on Mumsnet isn't making me feel any better.
I Wholeheartedly know I fucked up, MASSIVELY.
I know you can't report cheating, I am not that insane.
As I said, this man has a long record of DV including coercive behaviour. Is it ok to manipulate someone when they have explicitly said to you they are suffering from mental health issues, but then still proceed to pursue a sexual relationship with them when you know they are not of sound mind?
I'm not reporting him for anything, I was very angry, hurt and confused when I opened that thread.

What was he in prison for?
Was it related to the coercive behaviour?

ABH, coercive behaviour, manipulation, harassment, criminal damage. I only found this all out after doing a CL request on him recently. His version of events was that his ex was mental and toxic and was narcissist.

Good Grief!!!

I'm fairly desperate, but will still write people off quite quickly while at the chatting or initial meetings stage if things are at all odd or don't feel right. Sometimes it's a mutual fading-away, other times I'll let them know that it's not for me.

I'd have taken the initial loss of contact on the chin and moved on without giving it too much thought. Different once in a proper relationship, obvs.

Yep, I'm honestly ashamed of the way I've allowed myself to be treated. But it is becoming clearer now, he said his ex was the narc, the abuser, he spun such a convincing story to me, I cannot tell you how many times this man cried in my company. And I fell for it. Am I stupid? Yes. Am I naive? Absolutely. But I've always been an empath but I have learnt so much from this experience even if some of the commenters don't think I have. I don't remember another time I have felt as bad as this.

Just read your updates as I remember your thread from earlier in the year.
OMG. You poor thing. These men are so skilled at lying and drawing you in, it's really not your fault.
I hope you have a good support network around you.

Are you having therapy now OP?

Men don’t go to prison for having mad narcissistic exs. But even when you found the truth, you continued to see him. And you only got outraged when he cheated on you. If he hadn’t, you would still be seeing him knowing he has abused other women.

Please seek out some help to ensure you don’t put yourself in this position again. Stay away from dating for at least 6 months while you work through this.

Obviously keep him blocked on all possible channels. His type come back over and over.

PS People with mental health issues, no support networks, low self-esteem etc are their favourite types of people as they are vulnerable. So that explains your question about that.

Yup I know and I think that's why it hurts more because this is totally self inflicted.
He is textbook narcissist.
I need to work on why I knew he lied from the first word that he uttered out of his mouth and continued in complete denial.
I am going to start therapy relating to my year of dating experiences as it has torn me apart.
The only silver lining here is that I think after the pain subsides, hopefully I will realise I have nothing to mourn as our situationship/relationship was actually completely fictitious and he was essentially a complete stranger.

Narcissists seek out empaths and once you have been in a relationship like this it is very important you have your eyes wide open in future, statistically women who have been in abusive/coercive/narcissistic relationships or have narcissist parent/s are much more likely to find themselves in them again, and again. Therapy and learning are vital and will possibly open your eyes to past experiences you have been blind to.

I was a vulnerable teen and attracted them like flies. I settled down when I finally met a good one in my mid 20’s, only it turned out I was trapped in an abusive (in every sense) relationship with a narcissist that went into my mid 30s. Life is so different now I can see it all for what it was, there are way more narcissists out there than I could ever have imagined.

Thank you
Does anyone know if narcissists also spin it, like I believe his ex saw him for what he was and it imploded and obviously his tale is that she was the abuser. Is that a normal thing they do? My last few interactions with him actually made me question his sanity, I actually think he is not mentally well at all his behaviour was so incredibly erratic.

Yes. My ex is going to trial for coercive and controlling behaviour and his story is that I'm the abusive one and I'm insane and I imagined the whole thing and provoked him. Very standard. Otherwise they'd have to look at themselves.

Yes they are the masters of DARVO

But honestly try to stop trying to work him out. The rad flags were numerous, large and in your face.

It doesn’t matter how mental he is. The effect on you is the same.

I hope you find a good therapist and can move on.

💐

Thank you, my first experience of a true narcissist and I think I've dodged a massive bullet by the sounds of it. I appreciate your kind words 🙏🏼

Im 110% sure I was painted the bad guy after I left, as were all of his previous exes, they ranged from cheat, gold digger, thief and much more offensive claims, one got in touch with me after I left and told me he’d done exactly the same to her and she’d also spoken to another ex who said the same thing. Early on in our relationship his dad asked if he’d ever hit me.

The trick is to make you think you are going mad and your behaviour is affecting their mental health, pushing you to feel sorry for them, they want you to constantly swing from a state of thinking you can help/fix them to feeling crazy and hopeless.

Spot on, no point in trying to make sense of him, but be aware of what they do and the red flags and therapy is so helpful in helping you untangle all the knots he’s tied you in