Page 6 | What would you do?

Airyfairy1985 · 2024-08-15T09:55:37+00:00

I'm in a bit of a tricky dating scenario, I met this guy OLD a few weeks ago and in a short space of time we've hung out a lot and both admitted we've formed a really great connection. We've been in touch a lot, but in the last week his phone has stopped receiving any messages and I've also noticed he's not posted anything on social media (i'm not on social media but he showed me his profile which is public). I've not been checking in a stalkerish way more than he's completely vanished and I was confused and concerned as to what's happened to him. The only conclusion I can come to is that he's lost/broken his phone and has lost his contacts, he has to have a phone for work and to contact his kids so this is nothing to do with me, I'm also not blocked on whatsapp or anything like that so it seems like this is the likely scenario. I guess I'm thinking I could just leave it to fate and assume I will never hear from him again, but if he has lost all numbers he won't be able to contact me in any other way, the only thing I could do is email him at this work address but I can't decide if that is total pyschopath behaviour, although due to his work, his email is easily available by a simple Google search. What would you do?

Northernlights100 · 19/08/2024 22:52

It’s all very intriguing OP. I hope you get a resolution and all is well with this guy.

mondaytosunday · 19/08/2024 22:54

If he can't remember your address is it likely he's remembered your phone number?

crockofshite · 19/08/2024 23:27

This is a potential TV mini series

63isMe · 20/08/2024 06:55

Regarding the blocking/pic I have tested this with a friend and when I blocked her she could still see my pic so probably on what kind of phone you have -but you are categorically wrong to insist the pic always disappears!
Ockhams razor -the simplest explanation is usually the correct one so on balance of probabilities very much more likely that his wife has rumbled him.

Aubree17 · 20/08/2024 07:01

What was his contact pattern like before he disappeared?

Trust me .... if he wants to find you - he will find you!

In fact I'm sure he possibly could have by now if he had lost his phone.

liverburd1 · 20/08/2024 07:01

63isMe · 20/08/2024 06:55

Regarding the blocking/pic I have tested this with a friend and when I blocked her she could still see my pic so probably on what kind of phone you have -but you are categorically wrong to insist the pic always disappears!
Ockhams razor -the simplest explanation is usually the correct one so on balance of probabilities very much more likely that his wife has rumbled him.

Edited

On WhatsApp privacy settings you can decide whether everyone can see your WhatsApp pic (ie it's open to the public) or you can restrict it to contacts only. There are other options too. I think depending on what setting he has chosen here will determine what is seen when he blocks someone

63isMe · 20/08/2024 07:22

liverburd1 · 20/08/2024 07:01

On WhatsApp privacy settings you can decide whether everyone can see your WhatsApp pic (ie it's open to the public) or you can restrict it to contacts only. There are other options too. I think depending on what setting he has chosen here will determine what is seen when he blocks someone

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Omigod -you are right!!!!!! Have just checked my settings and can see that I have mine set to contacts only - so now my ex will know I have deleted him and I didn’t want to give give him that satisfaction … Thanks to wise mumsnet!

Andthereitis · 20/08/2024 07:32

He'll be on holiday with his family.

No one needs to stay out of contact these days. It's his choice.

Jojojen1984 · 20/08/2024 07:55

You don't think he's had an accident at his rental or home he's renovating? Fallen down the stairs or something and nobody has checked... Then his phone battery died? I know it's a slim chance but it does happen! Is it worth a drive by to see if any signs of life? But aside from other things that might have happened to him you're not a psycho. This man led you to believe you had something and slept with you. You're entitled to a clear answer. If we keep letting ghosters just get away with it that's exactly what they'd like and it's allowing crappy behaviour. Also check the dating website you met on to see if he's back on there by searching for men with similar criteria. If he is you know he's a con artist.

muddymuckymoody · 20/08/2024 08:23

I’m afraid to say OP that if it was him calling from prison then he’s been remanded, which really doesn’t bode well at all. Means it’s a very serious crime or he has a lot of previous

Mls1984btc · 20/08/2024 09:17

Why do people keep mentioning prison calls? This guy is not (confirmed to be anyway) in prison. He is MIA at the minute.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 20/08/2024 09:20

Mls1984btc · 20/08/2024 09:17

Why do people keep mentioning prison calls? This guy is not (confirmed to be anyway) in prison. He is MIA at the minute.

I know right. Maybe he just doesn't want to speak to the OP, happens a lot on here, it isn't that unbelievable

Original poster

Airyfairy1985 · 20/08/2024 10:21

What does remanded mean? Sorry I'm not sure.
I'm choosing to believe I'm not blocked as I said I have tested it and seen how it looks on my phone (android) and he has the same phone as mine.
He may well be on holiday with family, that would be a reasonable explanation.
His contact pattern before was mutliple messages daily and we spoke on the phone every day, and video calls.
As I mentioned at the start, if I felt in my gut this was just a me thing, it would be easier to just see I was blocked then that would be my definitive answer and I would move on but as he has gone silent on all platforms that's why it's more baffling.
@Jojojen1984 I appreciate what yoiu've said and that's exactly my point, I've spoken to lots of friends about this and there are women and men out there who are calling out these people for ghosting or even breadcrumbing as it is becoming too socially acceptable and studies are showing it is damaging to people's mental health. This is at the very basic level, respect for another human being. I totally would accept if he doesn't want to see/speak to me again as sometimes timing just isn't right, but to tell someone you genuinely care about them and then disappear just isn't acceptable behaviour for adults. If we all behave like this, dating will forever be soul destroying.
All I can do for now is wait and see if I get another call from the prison, I did call back and was told that numbers have to be security cleared before any inmates are allowed to call them, you can't contact someone outside before this is done and it can take a while for this process so this may have been what the call was.
Again, might not be him at all but I'll just have to wait and see.

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Idontjetwashthefucker · 20/08/2024 10:27

Or you could just move on, seems to be a lot of angst over someone you barely know

muddymuckymoody · 20/08/2024 10:33

Airyfairy1985 · 20/08/2024 10:21

What does remanded mean? Sorry I'm not sure.
I'm choosing to believe I'm not blocked as I said I have tested it and seen how it looks on my phone (android) and he has the same phone as mine.
He may well be on holiday with family, that would be a reasonable explanation.
His contact pattern before was mutliple messages daily and we spoke on the phone every day, and video calls.
As I mentioned at the start, if I felt in my gut this was just a me thing, it would be easier to just see I was blocked then that would be my definitive answer and I would move on but as he has gone silent on all platforms that's why it's more baffling.
@Jojojen1984 I appreciate what yoiu've said and that's exactly my point, I've spoken to lots of friends about this and there are women and men out there who are calling out these people for ghosting or even breadcrumbing as it is becoming too socially acceptable and studies are showing it is damaging to people's mental health. This is at the very basic level, respect for another human being. I totally would accept if he doesn't want to see/speak to me again as sometimes timing just isn't right, but to tell someone you genuinely care about them and then disappear just isn't acceptable behaviour for adults. If we all behave like this, dating will forever be soul destroying.
All I can do for now is wait and see if I get another call from the prison, I did call back and was told that numbers have to be security cleared before any inmates are allowed to call them, you can't contact someone outside before this is done and it can take a while for this process so this may have been what the call was.
Again, might not be him at all but I'll just have to wait and see.

Remanded is where you’ve been charged for something but not granted bail. This is only usually used in very serious charges of if they would be at risk to be kept on bail. Also there is recall to prison for breaking terms of license

Original poster

Airyfairy1985 · 20/08/2024 10:35

ok good to know thanks.
Fully prepared and absolutely fine to move on and I am, would you not be at all curious if you were in the same situation? I'm an empath and I care about people and humans, that's all.

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MozzarellaSandwich · 20/08/2024 10:35

omg OP, what a story

Idontjetwashthefucker · 20/08/2024 10:36

Honestly, no. I'd just assume I'd been ghosted/blocked like so many others I've read about on here. I'm 50, long in the tooth and recently single, if this happened to me on my next foray into dating I'd just move on...life's too short

Original poster

Airyfairy1985 · 20/08/2024 10:41

Idontjetwashthefucker · 20/08/2024 10:36

Honestly, no. I'd just assume I'd been ghosted/blocked like so many others I've read about on here. I'm 50, long in the tooth and recently single, if this happened to me on my next foray into dating I'd just move on...life's too short

Yup,I totally hear you 🙏

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Mls1984btc · 20/08/2024 10:43

Just wondering if the role is reversed, do you think a man would give this much headspace to a woman he barely know?

muddymuckymoody · 20/08/2024 10:45

Airyfairy1985 · 20/08/2024 10:35

ok good to know thanks.
Fully prepared and absolutely fine to move on and I am, would you not be at all curious if you were in the same situation? I'm an empath and I care about people and humans, that's all.

Yes totally understand why you are curious but joining the dots and potentially putting 2 and 2 together and making 5… the total cut of contact and now an unexpected prison call which is not something normal for you I’d take it? My head says there is more to this guy than you knew.

I’m sorry if I’m right OP xx

Northernlights100 · 20/08/2024 10:48

I think the missed call from the prison is strange but perhaps just a coincidence. If it is him I’d not want to get involved anyway.
His phone being uncontactable when you ring it is odd. I presume he couldn’t have got your work number to be able to block it too?
Having the same phone as you doesn’t mean you’ll both have the same settings so I don’t think you can conclude he hasn’t blocked you on what’s app but I know you don’t agree with this.
Also the fact you haven’t seen him post on social media doesn’t mean he isn’t. It’s perfectly possibly to restrict posts people see in the settings. I have it set up that when I post certain people can’t see them.
The fact that you never saw his house (which he had an explanation for but could have been a lie) and that his social media says he’s in a relationship could mean his situation wasn’t what he told you.
I understand you care & want to know what happened but for your own sanity maybe put a deadline on it. Eg if your not heard from him in a week you’ll assume he did ghost you & put it out of your mind.

Original poster

Airyfairy1985 · 20/08/2024 10:49

muddymuckymoody · 20/08/2024 10:45

Yes totally understand why you are curious but joining the dots and potentially putting 2 and 2 together and making 5… the total cut of contact and now an unexpected prison call which is not something normal for you I’d take it? My head says there is more to this guy than you knew.

I’m sorry if I’m right OP xx

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Thank you, I think people are slightly miscontruing how much headspace I am giving this, I am still fully functioning with my life, it's just something in the back of my mind. I've gone into a lot of detail on here as people are asking and I do find it helpful to get advice on dating as I know some mumsnetters are a lot more experienced than I am. I'm not crying myself to sleep at night over this guy but I can't help the way my brain is wired, I will lose interest shortly anyway and just draw a line under it.

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Northernlights100 · 20/08/2024 10:50

Maybe it’s us that are too invested and not you OP!

Original poster

Airyfairy1985 · 20/08/2024 10:53

Northernlights100 · 20/08/2024 10:48

I think the missed call from the prison is strange but perhaps just a coincidence. If it is him I’d not want to get involved anyway.
His phone being uncontactable when you ring it is odd. I presume he couldn’t have got your work number to be able to block it too?
Having the same phone as you doesn’t mean you’ll both have the same settings so I don’t think you can conclude he hasn’t blocked you on what’s app but I know you don’t agree with this.
Also the fact you haven’t seen him post on social media doesn’t mean he isn’t. It’s perfectly possibly to restrict posts people see in the settings. I have it set up that when I post certain people can’t see them.
The fact that you never saw his house (which he had an explanation for but could have been a lie) and that his social media says he’s in a relationship could mean his situation wasn’t what he told you.
I understand you care & want to know what happened but for your own sanity maybe put a deadline on it. Eg if your not heard from him in a week you’ll assume he did ghost you & put it out of your mind.

Yup, no I called from a withheld number and it still didn't connect.
His social media accounts are open to the public and i'm not connected to him on any of them (yet) which is why I can see if he is/not posting.
I think I will ride it out this week and then that's the end of it for me.
I do appreciate all the support from everyone on here!

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