What would you do?

[Airyfairy1985]

I'm in a bit of a tricky dating scenario, I met this guy OLD a few weeks ago and in a short space of time we've hung out a lot and both admitted we've formed a really great connection.

We've been in touch a lot, but in the last week his phone has stopped receiving any messages and I've also noticed he's not posted anything on social media (i'm not on social media but he showed me his profile which is public). I've not been checking in a stalkerish way more than he's completely vanished and I was confused and concerned as to what's happened to him.

The only conclusion I can come to is that he's lost/broken his phone and has lost his contacts, he has to have a phone for work and to contact his kids so this is nothing to do with me, I'm also not blocked on whatsapp or anything like that so it seems like this is the likely scenario.

I guess I'm thinking I could just leave it to fate and assume I will never hear from him again, but if he has lost all numbers he won't be able to contact me in any other way, the only thing I could do is email him at this work address but I can't decide if that is total pyschopath behaviour, although due to his work, his email is easily available by a simple Google search.

What would you do?

Come on, OP. You have kids! You cannot be messing about with a man that has been in and out of prison. And potentially for DV? What kind of example is that setting for them?? What if you get too involved and he turns his aggression on you? For all you know he could put them in danger.

Why do you think that this is all you deserve?

I’m really sorry that it turned out this way. You obviously really like this guy and he made you feel good, and it sounds like those feelings are clouding your judgement and you aren’t acting rationally.

People do not get held on remand for ‘minor’ crimes. He has obviously minimised whatever it is he has been accused of to you. Please do a Clare’s Law straight away. You deserve better than a charming abuser. Good luck.

What is the offence he was sentenced for, it was DV related wasn't it?

All abusers are charming at the start, their victims wouldn't stick around otherwise.

Have you seen any evidence that actually backs up what he's told you about why he was in prison? As others have said, it sounds very much like DV.

So he's moving back in with his ex?? This just gets worse. Why the hell are you entertaining this, you barely know him!!

Protect your kids from this shitshow.

Sorry but this is utterly crazy. Your first post was only 5 weeks ago where you said you had been seeing this man a few weeks. You really barely know him at all. Surely you can see this?

You really need to sweep aside the "love/attraction goggles" that you are wearing and think rationally about all of this.

You have already mentioned snippets about things not adding up, feeling very uncomfortable about him talking about his ex and now prison. People don't get put in prison for minor offences and you have referred to a minor offence.

You seem obsessed with this man that you barely know. He has been in prison, he has a criminal record and you have only just met him.

He simply is not worth all this angst. You will only find out more about him in due course that you won't like.

You say you are not a young inexperienced adult on the dating scene. But you are demonstrating an utter lack of logic regarding this unsuitable man.

You deserve much, much better than this and I would strongly suggest you leave this man to his own problems and don't let him drag you down any further.

@Mls1984btc Please protect your energy.

Love this phrase, making it my new mantra 🕉️

You know what to do OP.

It's not DV I wouldn't go anywhere near him if it was, it's very complex and I can't get into detail here but I do hear all the comments and totally agree. It's a v hard situation I've found myself in, as deluded as it might sound, the connection we have is real and if he didn't fully acknowledge and own his shit then I wouldn't be entertaining it. I am not planning my future with this guy and he will not be meeting my kids at any point soon but spending time with him ATM does make me happy and as soon as that stops then that's time for me to review the whole thing.
Aside from the shit personal situation he is in, so far, he is the most charming, funny, intelligent man I have met and no other guy even comes close to how he makes me feel. BUT I'm also aware that this experience could show me that they are out there and I can find another one like him who doesn't have such a complex personal life.

Beware of any man who talks about his ‘crazy and toxic’ ex because you will eventually become “her”.

why can’t you tell us what the offence is @Airyfairy1985? Saying it’s complicated implies it’s something you shouldn’t even be entertaining but that you are trying to convince yourself it’s ok.

Please run!

You sound as though you are constantly arguing with yourself and trying to convince yourself that the connection is so strong nothing else matters.

On the one hand you say you are not deluded, then you make a comment that suggests you are!

Good men do not go to prison.

Much further up thread you were somewhat uncomfortable with the time he spent talking about his ex, plus he had told you he was in the process of writing a book or similar and you then discovered it had been published ages ago. You said certain things don't add up.

THEN TIME IN PRISON.

And now you are ignoring all of that because he makes you feel good.

I'm sorry OP but you hardly know him. Other people would be running a mile.

Its complicated? Not really. Its vanishingly difficult for white collar crime to get punished so if your date actually went to jail for anything not DV/mere violence he probably got done for fraud and the charge sheet should explain that in absolutely black and white terms.

He probably defrauded someone like a friend or business partner and he’s got a mouthful of excuses but stop being such a sucker.

you “had s great connection with him?” Why not? If he’s a fraudster he is also a con artist. He could probably change hats and charm some other poor fool out of her backteeth while he is waiting for you to show up for drinks.

I know, I agree with everything you've said. I'm very up and down with how I'm feeling about it all, I am still active on the dating site we met on and I am prepared to meet other guys, eugh, dating in your forties is so hard 😭

My ex can be charming, funny and loving but he also used to hit me. He also goes around telling people about his ex (me) who ruined the marriage. I was always the one that couldn't move on etc.

No decent man goes to prison.

And dating is even harder when you totally disregard more red flags than a communist party rally.

Come on OP - this one got wrongun written all over him in massive flashing neon letters

I have been in abusive relationships before and I do have a very strong self of my self worth and boundaries. We have spoken endlessly together about how fucked up this whole situation is and how bad it looks from his side but what would you do if you meet someone you really fall for. I'm not completely naive and I am not allowing him to treat me in any unacceptable way. I am constantly questioning him on his actions and why, and telling him he's made bad life choices. I can't tell you his whole life story here but there is obviously more to his story than I am willing to share here as I've mentioned purely for discretion.
If you met a guy you liked and someone from his family reached out to tell you how much he was thinking about you and how he missed you and wanted to speak to you, would you say no without hearing him out first? This is a why it's so hard. I'm in too deep now I think to pull the plug unless there is a valid reason but he is on incredibly thin ice and he knows this.

"what would you do if you meet someone you really fall for."

If he'd lied to me, made me feel uncomfortable then I found out he'd been in prison, I'd dump and block him. Then I'd go for drinks with my friends, be sad for a while and move on with my uncomplicated twat free life.

Yup completely fair

100% this. I gave a bloke a chance a few years ago because the chemistry was off the scale and he’s the biggest regret of my life. The red flags I disregarded got bigger and bigger and I wish I’d turned a different corner and never met him.

I can understand that you've formed an emotional attachment, it's something we as women are usually prone to. He knows that. He knows exactly what to say to you, it's all charm and excuses to keep you on the hook until you feel you're too far in.

Fuck I know, this is a exactly what my friend said to me earlier. What does he want from me? This is what I get confused about, just validation?? Emotional support? Sex? I guess all of those right.

All of the above, and more you haven't even considered. How can you possibly see things from an abusers point of view?

Looking at what you've said, he has t got anywhere to go, he can't go back to his house (his exes house)? Cocklodging springs to mind. Who wouldn't want free accommodation with a cook and cleaner on hand?

@Airyfairy1985 if you meet someone you really fall for.

You just met this guy, he's a stranger from OLD so you can't have fallen for him all of a sudden, basically you don't know him from Adam and you're already incredibly invested on him, I'm not sure who has more red flags OP, you or him. It takes time to get to know a person, specially when meeting them online and having no real life references.

Dating in your forties is so hard that you are going to accept this specimen of a man?

How is being single not better than this!?